Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 1/27/21 Nik Curfman 1/27/21

Journal: #188 Walking in the Snow

Ten thousand steps is an arbitrary number of steps to walk, but it’s isn’t about the number of steps. Every day I cross that threshold, I prove to myself how much I love myself. I shift my schedule, plan breaks, and replace shoes all in an effort to love me. I am important, and I will not let snow or slush tell me I’m not.

I have several people in my life who seem more attune to the weather in Redding than me. If an extreme change is in the forecast, they’ll tell me. It’s nice. I feel like I have a personal concierge service specifically dedicated to my weather concerns, an odd yet highly useful blessing.

The Sky is Falling

Last week one of my amateur meteorologists warned of a forecasted snow storm. I can’t remember my exact response but I’m sure it included sarcasm and/or mockery. Most of my life I’ve lived in climates unaccustomed to the white blanket. Forecasts of snow storms often dissolved into cold showers, and nothing more. Once I heard of the coming blizzard I assumed more rain was on its way.

I Doubt The Sky is falling

Yesterday was to be the day of Snowpocalypse 2021 in Redding. I checked and rechecked my weather app. How can it snow if the air temperature doesn’t fall below 35 degrees? The rain began to fall at 2 PM. Clearly the weather witch doctors were wrong.

At 4:30 pm, I made my first post to Instagram. Mockingly, I recorded the rain and added “Let It Snow” as sung by Frank Sinatra. Can’t fool me weather nerds. I felt snarky and a bit arrogant, but it was all in good fun. I closed the blinds and finished my work for the day.

No, It’s really Falling

Two hours later, I checked my phone. And, you know what I saw: posts of children and dogs playing in fresh snow. I laughed at myself and sauntered over to the sliding glass door. Yes, it was snowing in my yard too. I was wrong. The snow had come, about half an inch covered the landscape.

Out of humility, I posted “Joked too soon.” That’s that, except it wasn’t.

NO-NO, It’s Really falling

An hour later, large collections of snowflakes began to paint every surface, crack, and cranny of the Redding. For hours, they fell until a half inch of snow tuned into four inches of packed powder. The joke was on me.

If you follow my blog you know part of my self-care is walking at least ten thousand steps per day. (You can read those blogs here, here, and here.) At present, my goal is 45 consecutive days of +10k step. The slushy snow and intermittent rain forecast for today threatened to sack my goal at 30 days.

No excuses

I nearly gave up at 5100 steps this afternoon. I almost let this weather, my lack of winter clothing, and the fading day light defeat me. Then I decided I wouldn’t not give myself permission to fail. After a tri-tip dinner with a friend, I went home to complete my needed steps.

Since I needed so many steps to finish the day strong, I couldn’t wear my boots. They are too heavy when speed is required. I wanted to wear my beater running shoes, but they are made to breath. In a hilarious madness, I tied plastic grocery bags around my each foot then slide my ragged shoes over the plastic bags. My feet might be cold but they would not be wet.

My late evening stroll was routine by any standard except the large piles of snow that covered each side of the road and the sidewalks. Mostly clear roads and few passing cars allowed tonight to be a fine evening for walk. It would’ve been a waste to waste it.

My Walks are More Than Walks

I’m proud of myself for pushing through the snow and metal slush today. My dad is fond of saying,”you can always find a reason to do something, or not do something.” He’s right. Every day presents us with encouragement to carry on and excuses to turn back as we pursue goals or dreams. In the end, it’s about what we believe.

I believe a day is better when I go for walks. Ten thousand steps is an arbitrary number of steps to walk, but it isn’t about the number of steps. Every day I cross that threshold, I prove to myself how much I love myself. I shift my schedule, plan breaks, and replace shoes all in an effort to love me. I am important, and I will not let snow or slush tell me I’m not.

The walks aren’t just about me, but Him too. Every midday outing is chance to pray and connect to the Holy Spirit. It’s our time together. What may look like a man talking to himself as I saunter around the neighborhood is so much more. It’s where I find life, release frustration, and regain my center in Jesus.

How can I deny myself all that? I can’t, and I won’t.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 1/27/21 Nik Curfman 1/27/21

Abstract: Don’t Fight The Lies, Accept the Truth

So on this dreary morning, full of doubt,

I will not answer my attacker or plead my case.

I will not submit evidence to the court as proof of my worth.

Nah.

I will rise and whisper:

Lord, here I am.

As the day dawned, I rolled over and longed for more of the night.

Alone in my bed, rancid thoughts pushed their way to the front of my mind.

How long will I accuse myself? Judge the creation of the Lord?

Am I not like the rest of His of work?

Am I not Good?

The ancient answer is apparent and obvious: Yes.

I am Good.

For everything He made He called Good.

From this perch, my mind shouts its strongest indictment:

If I am good, why do I struggle?

Why?

No amount of extra sleep or wishing away the dawn is an antidote to the sickness of my imperfection.

Suddenly, like the rising sun,

the Holy Spirit arrives in all Her kind glory,

The Accuser exposed.

She quietly reminds me of the eternal truth.

Yes, I am Good.

No, I am not perfect, not complete, not finished.

Perfection is not the expectation of the Spirit, but flawed men.

My servant Savior didn’t demand the perfection so preached in our churches.

He said,”Come after me. Seek the Father. The rest will care for itself.”

So on this dreary morning, full of doubt,

I will not answer my attacker or plead my case.

I will not submit evidence to the court as proof of my worth.

Nah.

I will rise and whisper:

Lord, here I am.

I give you everything that I am.

I lay down my doubts and pain,

my hopes and dreams.

I trust you and accept the life your planned for me,

Your grace, hopes and dreams,

Your eyes and ears for me.

Rip out the roots of the accuser,

Water the seeds You put in my heart,

Your will be done in my life and through my life this day.

I refuse to listen to the same lies that work to tie me down and hold me in shame,

I accept your Word over me.

I love You, and I’m so thankful You are real and love me.

Amen.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 1/26/21 Nik Curfman 1/26/21

Journal: #187 Battling My Lies

If the lies are in my head, then they can be out of my head. This is my hope, and out of this hope comes faith. I don’t need to have all the answers for my flaws. It is the work of the Lord and His grace on me. I trust the Lord to do what He alone can do in my heart and mind.

I wonder if insecure feelings will ever go away. Maybe some will, like loneliness. (Loneliness is a state of mind as it is.) What I want to know is it is possible to live life without feeling inadequate or belittled? Can I live without nagging doubt?

On January 26th, 2021, I have no firm answer. How can I? My life is not completed.

Fight On

What I do know, what I believe, is I can fight through it. I’d rather not feel like a phony. It would be awesome if I never battled my self-esteem again. But, until that day, I must go to war with those emotions intended to drag me into the void of despair.

From Secure To Faith

My life was completely different a year ago. I thought I knew what was ahead and felt up to task. On days like today, it’s the opposite. I have no clue what lay ahead in my life, only a vague picture.

I know I’m loved and worthy of love. I’m thankful to be surrounded by people who love and appreciate me. Moreover, the men I work with are kind and honest. I didn’t expect to be spit out of one business venture into something built for me and my disposition.

Never Surrender to Lies

There is hope I can achieve a lasting victory over my fears. For one, life with Jesus means anything is possible. The other is more subtle. It’s mental. The lies are in my head, not my reality. Want proof? Ok. How’s this? Today, I was given a promotion. Crazy, eh?

More Lord. #LFG

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 1/26/21 Nik Curfman 1/26/21

Abstract: Night Vision

I’m not gonna feed my weeds,

Call them fear, doubt, and strain.

It’s those good seeds,

Love, hope, and vision to remain,

I’ll water in the dark,

Knowing the Son is on his way.

Everyday, every single second, is full of choice.

I choose to stand loud and proud,

to believe in the Light when sun starts to set.

Every time has a season. And every season has an end.

It’s what I do in the between, from mountain top to scenic ridge,

that sets my journey apart.

My faith is in His grace, and what He planted in me.

I’m not gonna feed my weeds,

Call them fear, doubt, and strain.

It’s those good seeds,

Love, hope, and vision to remain,

I’ll water in the dark,

Knowing the Son is on his way.

When words like cancer and demons named rejection coming knocking,

When the scale doesn’t move,

When this f*cking disease just won’t go away,

I am not alone.

Love is my foundation.

The best is yet to come.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 1/25/21 Nik Curfman 1/25/21

Journal: #186 Wearing My Heart Like A BackPack

For the foreseeable future, when I feel awash in sorrow, I will simply ask the Holy Spirit to “carry me.” And, she will. It’s that simple. I’m not alone, and I don’t have to carry the weight of life on my shoulders.

The next few months are about to get real. Today, I booked a one way flight back to Columbia, South Carolina, and I don’t know how long I’ll be there. My hope is 6-8 weeks. A friend is getting married on April 2nd, and I’d to be there for his wedding. Life may not afford me the option.

Life Happens

Last weekend, my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Of all the foul words in the English language, these are two of the worst. I know my father will die one day, and there will be a medical reason. Yet, for some reason, prostate cancer seems an especially loathsome way to die.

I decided I want to be there for the start of his battle, hence the one-way flight. In this particular case, I’m glad I googled “prostate cancer.” Unless he’s into an advanced stage, we’ve got plenty of time to act. Statistically speaking, he should live at least another 5-10 years. I’ll take it.

I’ll take any time I’ve got left with my dad. The reality is every day is a gift. Moments like this help hone that sense.

How Do I Respond to Adversity

In the days to come, my dad is going to face some nasty medical treatments. He’s going to be weak and need people to love and service his needs. Knowing him, he won’t like feeling like a burden, and he’ll need to be reminded he’s no burden. He’s loved and this is what love looks like.

I am mostly hopeful about my dad prognosis. It seems like we caught the cancer early enough to take decisive action. Despite my optimism, I’ve had to think about life without my dad. The sadness I feel in those instances is overwhelming.

Stay Connected to the Lord

2020 taught me to stay connected to the Lord, and how to care for myself. In a way, I feel prepared for this. Today, the Holy Spirit gave me a picture to remember when the weight of life starts to shove me off balance. It’s her, wearing my heart like a backpack. That picture is life-affirming, light-hearted, and comical. I love it.

Thank God for that.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 1/25/21 Nik Curfman 1/25/21

Journal: #217 Old Friends, The Good & The Not

I love my friend AND I’m not required to put up with his shit. The boundaries remained intact, and I’ll enforce them. I don’t want anything from my old friend, but I’m worried he wants something from me. All I have is Jesus. So whatever he wants, that’s what he’s going to get.

I’m tired and want to go to bed. Despite how I feel I’m not going to end my day without a some gratitude and a question.

To begin, I spent the day seeing old friends and enjoying their company. The day was jammed to brim with short but meaningful conversations. It started by saying goodbye to my friend Blake, then on the Nathan’s, followed by Brandon and Trevor, then Chris. My busy day ended with an evening visit to my brother’s house.

I ate a pile of terrible food. It was delicious. I discussed mortgages, both side of the political divide, football, and Jesus. It’s a day I am grateful to have and could relive a thousand times over. The likelihood is small, so I’ll savor today for what it was.

Now. Onto my question.

Late last night I received a messages from the sister of an old friend. He’s “looking for me.” I find humor in the statement because, A) I’m not hiding, and B) I have the exact same phone number since 2011. The sister requested my number to pass to her brother. I paused to consider my choices.

My old friend was like a little brother to me. I was his advocate when life seemed unfair, gave him opportunities when no one would, and routinely forgave his intentional mistakes. In 2013, after his repeated degradation of people I love, I was forced to set clear boundaries with him. I told him he couldn’t drink at my house or talk trash about my friends. I haven’t seen him since that day.

Here I am eight years later. I have two thoughts about letting this man back into my life.

What’s the worst that could happen? Love hopes all things.
I don’t want to put up with his shit.

Today, I responded to the message from his sister. I gave her my number to pass along with the note “It’s the same number I’ve always have.” The truth is I never went anywhere. He’s the one who disappeared.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 1/24/21 Nik Curfman 1/24/21

Journal: #185 Talking to the Lord Like A Friend

Isn’t this the Lord too? He loves me enough to want to know my thoughts and feelings about my life. Our relationship is no longer about highs and lows, but the everyday and the plain. I love it. I love Him, and I’m glad I sharing all of my life with the same God who made the Universe.

I think a lot of thoughts and go over situations in mind. It’s how I live. My thoughts can be about a football game or political situation, or my dad. Usually, I imagine conversations and possibilities. How can help my new client reach more people? What do I say in my next conversation with my older sister? Or what’s the best way to spend/invest any stimulus money?

It’s in this space I hone my point of view or expose my flaws. Sometimes I hear the anger in my voice, and on occasion the arrogance. Whenever this happens I stop myself. These are the moments I want to address with the Lord.

Lately, my heart has asked for more from my relationship from the Lord than counselor. But, I’m not sure how to do that. What does more with the Lord look like? What does it sound like?

Today on my first walk, I simply began to talk to the Lord about my work. It was very matter of fact the way I might discuss recent events with a friend. He listened as I told Him how thankful I was for the opportunity to work with the team at Cultre. They are everything my last business partner wasn’t.

It was a very ordinary conversation between, yet new. I wasn’t talking to myself, but to the Lord about my life. I wasn’t in a position of need or compelled to act. I could feel the Holy Spirit gliding along with me as I spoke. When I finished I could tell He wanted to hear more.

Isn’t this the Lord too? He loves me enough to want to know my thoughts and feelings about my life. Our relationship is no longer about highs and lows, but the everyday and the plain. I love it. I love Him, and I’m glad I sharing all of my life with the same God who made the Universe.

What a time to be alive.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 1/23/21 Nik Curfman 1/23/21

Journal: #184 Being Me is a SuperNatural Event

This entire discussion get’s back to one of my biggest hurdles in life: I have to be someone else. It’s not the Lord who says this, but Nik. And what He told me the other day was to be me, because that’s a supernatural thing with Holy fruit all of it’s own.

I spent the afternoon reminding myself of the greatness of God in my life, and why we exist. His blessings on my life are legion. It’s awesome. From the job opportunities in front of me to life-giving friendships, He’s always there. I want more.

Insecure As Ever

As I tend to do I judged myself this week for a lack of attention to the supernatural - as if praying for miraculous cancer healings isn’t faith. (I have three people in my life who are fighting the disease.) My concern is I will sink back into a life without the flow and wonder of the Holy Spirit, that my life will become one of tasks and empty accomplishments.

What good are sculptures and poems and blog post without the Lord? What good is anything without love and grace? I don’t care about money or notoriety, and I don’t want fame. I want Him, and for the people around me to know Him.

What I want is life full of faith and the Lord’s presence.

The Lord Is Not Insecure

When I prayed about this the Lord responded with His usual kindness and clarity. Every time I create something new with my hands it’s an act of the Creator. When I sit with people in their pain and love them through loss that is what Jesus did. Whenever I teach someone to grill chicken or tell them about the goodness of God in my life that’s Kingdom leadership. And every prayer, every act of faith, every hand laid and heart opened this is the supernatural too.

Just your Normal SuperNatural Life

The truth is I’ve become so accustomed to the supernatural God-like occurrences, I barely notice them. I don’t feel more or less spiritual when I do anything regardless of what it is. I feel the same when I bend wire as I do when I pray for the sick. Which brings me to my last point.

I think I believed being super spiritual would come with an overhaul of my thoughts and feelings. It doesn’t. I’m still me, which I like. I’m still the guy who cries at videos of rescue dogs, loves to explore new places, and take long solitary walks in the forest.

Me, Trying To Be Someone Else

I’m not sure why I expected anything else. Perhaps it’s because I think my heroes like Corrie ten Boom and Smith Wigglesworth were vastly different than me. And, because I wanted to be like them I needed to be vastly different than who I am.

Back to Basics: Be Me

I know what trying to be like someone else does to me. It’s ugly, and I hate it. Let this blog post stand as I reminder that none of us have a higher calling than to be who we are in Him.

Lord, help me be me. Show me my heart and give me the courage to honor it. Thank you for talking to me and showing me the path to walk. Your kindness soothes my anxious thoughts and destroys my doubt. Thanks.

Amen.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 1/22/21 Nik Curfman 1/22/21

Journal: #183 I Remember Me at 27

I enjoyed dinner tonight with two of my newest friends Nathan and Hudson. They are both in their mid-20’s and full of youthful energy. Whenever I’m with them I step into another world. It’s untethered to routine or the drudgery of the men my age. Their futures are full of options.

Me at 27

I remember when I was them. At 27 I worked at a small pizza restaurant in the Cotswold neighborhood of Charlotte. By night, I took night classes at the local community college in an attempt to move forward in life. I didn’t have a plan or know what I wanted. Mental and emotional health were not concepts on my radar. Still, it wasn’t a terrible life.

One of the highlights from that period in my life was the small studio apartment I rented a few blocks from uptown Charlotte. For some reason, I felt more like an adult by proving I could pay my own way in life. It was also a place where I grew in my relationship with the Lord. I experienced a few miracles in that place and learned what fasting was.

MY Return to Clemson

I decided to move out when it seemed necessary to get serious about finishing my bachelors degree. Clemson University, the first college I attended, beckoned me to return. I was eager to do so. After years of drifting, waiting tables, and second rate schools, I was going to move into my destiny. I saw Clemson as the door to my future.

In the run up to what was suppose to be a triumphant return to Clemson, I was given loads of encouragement from my prophetic community. I had to clear a few hurdles to enroll in classes, and the final piece I need was tuition money.

Not To Be

In faith I packed up my belongings, waved goodbye to my friends in Charlotte, and moved to Clemson. It was suppose to be an epic story of God’s provision and blessing. The money never came. Even with financial aid and student loans, I was woefully short. I reached out to my brother for help, but he didn’t think it was a good idea.

It was not to be.

Shocked and disappointed, I re-packed my car and drove back toward Highway 76. I knew this was my last attempt to attend Clemson. After months of planning and hoping, I was headed out the same way I came in just a few hours prior, and my dream was dead.

Pain Hurts

I asked a lot of questions in the aftermath. Did I miss God? Why do some people receive blessings and I don’t? What’s wrong with me? Despite all that, I couldn’t curse God. I knew that wasn’t the way to make sense of it.

My failed attempt to finish my college education at Clemson was 14 years ago. Until the last 18 months, I didn’t have any answers why I failed, why the Lord didn’t meet me in my hour of need. I do now.

Pain Is not The End

To start, I didn’t miss God. I gave Him a place to move on my behalf, and He did. It just wasn’t to Clemson. Second, I do receive blessings. I was given my old job back and life went on. A year later I began work with a non-profit in West Virginia, which turned out to be a blast. Lastly, nothing was wrong with me. The Lord had a plan, but I couldn’t see it.

Who knows what my life would’ve been had I graduated from Clemson. It’s hard to predict. What I can firmly testify to is the Holy Spirit had my back the entire time. Then as now, my heart was with Jesus. Ultimately, I want His will for my life. As frustrating as that moment was, I’m glad the Lord guided me to where I am today.

What Faith Is

“Failures” like the Clemson debacle and my breakup last year taught me what faith is. Faith is a trust. On occasion, that trust plays out the way I want it to, and sometimes it doesn’t. It’s not about the outcomes of a moment. Faith is trust the Lord has my back. In the hard moments, it’s the conviction the Holy Spirit has something better on the other side of gut-wrenching pain and sorrow.

Because, He does. That’s why I’m not bitter or upset my degree isn’t from Clemson. I can look back on my mid-20 with gratitude for that time and the journey since.

God is good.

Your will Lord be done in my life. Thank you for protecting my heart of deep resentments and moving through the deep valley’s of confusion. You don’t want us to suffer, but we will. It’s ok. I am loved and wonderfully made. I trust you.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 1/21/21 Nik Curfman 1/21/21

Journal: #182 Smile At Pain, Carry On

Whatever life is or is not, what we do with it is thing. I wasn’t very good at responding to life when it got rough. I relish the opportunity to laugh at it now.

My brain is fried. I spent 15 hours over the last two days because my web developer decided to split. So that’s cool. The deadline for the project was yesterday, but I got it mostly finished. The customer is annoyed but will be happy. Sometimes it be like that.

On top of work frustrations, I received some shitty news about someone I love. Sometimes it be like that. I am sad for them but all I can do (literally) is pray, love, and support them. But…that’s not all. This moment- the isolation, the work crap, the personal shit- would’ve taken me down a few years ago.

Not today Satan. Today, it does not be like that.

Instead of being focused on the difficult aspects of my life on this cool January evening, I choose to look at what’s going right. Tonight I’m going to celebrate being of half way to some of my goals, short-term and long-term.

This is overdue, but this blog post is my 182nd as I push for 330 by July 11th. I started blogging on that date in 2020 not knowing where this would lead. I didn’t know I’d fall in love with this process. I have roughly 170 days to write the next 148 posts. I’m stoked.
As of today, I am 25 day into my 45 consecutive days goal of 10k+ steps per day. The true goal is to smash 45 days.
And, I am 28 days into a 45 day goal of consecutive blogging. I think…my consecutive day streak is in the mid 30’s. I should smash that.

Plus, I’m super stoked about the wire sculptures I started creating. No goal there. Only joy and holy pleasure.

Whatever life is or is not, what we do with it is thing. I wasn’t very good at responding to life when it got rough. I relish the opportunity to laugh at it now.

Love y’all.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 1/21/21 Nik Curfman 1/21/21

Abstraction: Psalm 23, If I Wrote IT

His Hands and Words guide my steps.
In the middle of my calamity, He says “let’s eat.”
He gives me tips on my hair and refills my beer.

“The Lord is my homie.

I don’t need anything.

He supplies all my needs, and sneaks me that good drink.

Yay, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of death, I say f*ck that evil.

Because Jesus the “Destroyer of Bullshit” is with me!

His Hands and Words guide my steps.

In the middle of my calamity, He says “let’s eat.”

He gives me tips on my hair and refills my beer.

I have no other choice but to sit under His grace and let his presence soak me to the bone.

This moment is just a thing.

But I…I will keep my eyes on Him.”

Psalm 23 (Nik Translation)

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 1/20/21 Nik Curfman 1/20/21

Journal: #181 I Am Strong

My life could get infinitely more difficult in the coming weeks and months. And, that’s ok. Given what I believe about myself and confirmed by others, I’m a stubborn man who brings a lot to any situation or environment. Whatever comes, I was born to overcome it with my face to the Son.

Do you cringe when people give you a compliment, but secretly love it? I’ve been that way. For as long as I can remember I wanted praise and recognition. Then, when the moment came, I couldn’t barely receive the kind words and appreciation. Odd, right?

What’s up with that? Why do we deny ourselves the thing we want? It’s illogical.

I’ve recently received a series of compliments, and rather than reject them I accepted them. I didn’t think twice on it until later in the day. One person called me a mountain goat, and another spent a few minutes detailing the strengths I bring to our marketing team at Cultre. (The mountain goat comparison was about being stubborn- in a good way.)

What I loved about each of those moments was I didn’t need to coach myself into accepting kinds words. Thank God. And yet, there’s a place for them. Kind words are like a drink of cool water you didn’t know you needed. The immature and the entitled can’t accept kindness for the Grace of God it is.

I don’t count myself among the wisest or most mature Christians on the planet, but I am determined to grow and learn. (Considering I am unmarried and without children I figure I’ve still got a lot to learn. It’s a challenge I embrace.) I want to have days like today, when my developer is AWAL so it falls to me to finish a website. We can only grow strong with the wind blows.

Lord, you know what’s going on in my life, and you know I love you. I’m so thankful you took time to build me up and form me into a man ready for the coming hurdles.

I love you, and I’m not letting go. Amen.