Journal: #183 I Remember Me at 27

Daily Journal

Jan 22

I enjoyed dinner tonight with two of my newest friends Nathan and Hudson. They are both in their mid-20’s and full of youthful energy. Whenever I’m with them I step into another world. It’s untethered to routine or the drudgery of the men my age. Their futures are full of options.

Me at 27

I remember when I was them. At 27 I worked at a small pizza restaurant in the Cotswold neighborhood of Charlotte. By night, I took night classes at the local community college in an attempt to move forward in life. I didn’t have a plan or know what I wanted. Mental and emotional health were not concepts on my radar. Still, it wasn’t a terrible life.

One of the highlights from that period in my life was the small studio apartment I rented a few blocks from uptown Charlotte. For some reason, I felt more like an adult by proving I could pay my own way in life. It was also a place where I grew in my relationship with the Lord. I experienced a few miracles in that place and learned what fasting was.

MY Return to Clemson

I decided to move out when it seemed necessary to get serious about finishing my bachelors degree. Clemson University, the first college I attended, beckoned me to return. I was eager to do so. After years of drifting, waiting tables, and second rate schools, I was going to move into my destiny. I saw Clemson as the door to my future.

In the run up to what was suppose to be a triumphant return to Clemson, I was given loads of encouragement from my prophetic community. I had to clear a few hurdles to enroll in classes, and the final piece I need was tuition money.

Not To Be

In faith I packed up my belongings, waved goodbye to my friends in Charlotte, and moved to Clemson. It was suppose to be an epic story of God’s provision and blessing. The money never came. Even with financial aid and student loans, I was woefully short. I reached out to my brother for help, but he didn’t think it was a good idea.

It was not to be.

Shocked and disappointed, I re-packed my car and drove back toward Highway 76. I knew this was my last attempt to attend Clemson. After months of planning and hoping, I was headed out the same way I came in just a few hours prior, and my dream was dead.

Pain Hurts

I asked a lot of questions in the aftermath. Did I miss God? Why do some people receive blessings and I don’t? What’s wrong with me? Despite all that, I couldn’t curse God. I knew that wasn’t the way to make sense of it.

My failed attempt to finish my college education at Clemson was 14 years ago. Until the last 18 months, I didn’t have any answers why I failed, why the Lord didn’t meet me in my hour of need. I do now.

Pain Is not The End

To start, I didn’t miss God. I gave Him a place to move on my behalf, and He did. It just wasn’t to Clemson. Second, I do receive blessings. I was given my old job back and life went on. A year later I began work with a non-profit in West Virginia, which turned out to be a blast. Lastly, nothing was wrong with me. The Lord had a plan, but I couldn’t see it.

Who knows what my life would’ve been had I graduated from Clemson. It’s hard to predict. What I can firmly testify to is the Holy Spirit had my back the entire time. Then as now, my heart was with Jesus. Ultimately, I want His will for my life. As frustrating as that moment was, I’m glad the Lord guided me to where I am today.

What Faith Is

“Failures” like the Clemson debacle and my breakup last year taught me what faith is. Faith is a trust. On occasion, that trust plays out the way I want it to, and sometimes it doesn’t. It’s not about the outcomes of a moment. Faith is trust the Lord has my back. In the hard moments, it’s the conviction the Holy Spirit has something better on the other side of gut-wrenching pain and sorrow.

Because, He does. That’s why I’m not bitter or upset my degree isn’t from Clemson. I can look back on my mid-20 with gratitude for that time and the journey since.

God is good.

Your will Lord be done in my life. Thank you for protecting my heart of deep resentments and moving through the deep valley’s of confusion. You don’t want us to suffer, but we will. It’s ok. I am loved and wonderfully made. I trust you.

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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process.

https://fearlessgrit.com