Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 1/19/21 Nik Curfman 1/19/21

Journal: #180 A Patient Becomes A Son

I’m no longer a needy patient going to the doctor for my daily dose of medicine. I’m a son running out to meet my Father. My head is up and my shoulders are back. I’m here to do work and love people the best I know how to love them. I’m ready to leave all the shame and insecurity behind.

In the dust of a break up and loss of my business partnership, I was given a kind gift: time. I was given hours and days to consider my response to my failures. I am grateful I did not rush off into the arms of another woman, or worry myself enough to seek full-time employment. In my limited wisdom, I chose to fall into the open embrace of the Lord.

Nothing Left To Do

I found plenty of motivation to run after the Lord, especially because I had no pride left to protect. I had no dream left to dream. This was a unique grace as my bleeding heart became a blank canvass eager for new paint.

He Started at the Foundation

God, the sum of wisdom, did not grant me a new vision for my future. Instead, He spoke to me about me, who I am, and what’s in my heart. For the first time, I decided to listen. What He showed me was both familiar and unique. My heart’s most earnest desire is to love people and show them the way to the Jesus of Life.

As the summer ended the shame slide off my back. I started to find steady work and glimpses of what my future could be. On occasion, I felt confident. It shocked me, these moments of steady assurance. I was so unprepared I wept for fear. Yes, fear.

I Didn’t Know How to Be Confident

I have plenty of experience running after the Lord when I’m hurt or in need. I know how to lean on the Holy Spirit when the odds are long and only a miracle will do. Confidence seems like a trap. How dare I believe in me? I need to find a reason defeat this arrogance. And so, I did. Instead of enjoying a fading afternoon or job well done, I searched the cracks of my being for flaws.

(It’s just one more reason God is greater than we know. Despite my neurotic need for shame or fear to push me toward Jesus, He accepts my offerings and didn’t hold back His heart from mine.)

Finding life In Sculpture

Last night I sat down with several spools of wire to create something. What started as a pair of lips turned into lips, a nose, and a vision for a much larger project. Completed, it will be an entire wall hanging, four feet tall, and another five to six feet wide. I’m stoked to work on it.

When I finished last night, I felt good. Happy even? The anxiety I felt earlier in the day was gone, replaced by true joy. For one of the only times in my life, I was happy and excited about something I did. For me. For the following hour I stared at what my work and smiled. I made that.

Let’s Try Confidence Again

After dinner, I went for a victory walk. That confident feeling beamed from my chest, and a tinge of fear crept into my soul. If I don’t feel broken, how do I go after the Lord? What will we talk about? How silly can I be?

What will we talk about?!? EVERYTHING ELSE BRO! LOL!

As I prayed about my thoughts and feelings, I heard the Lord tell me to remember this date: January 18th, 2020. It’s the day I turned the corner from being a broken man into being a redeemed man.

Embracing Progress

Yes. The motivation is very different. I’m no longer a needy patient going to the doctor for my daily dose of medicine. I’m a son running out to meet my Father. My head is up and my shoulders are back. I’m here to do work and love people the best I know how. I’m ready to leave all the shame and insecurity behind.

I’m not mad or dominated by guilt. The new vision laid before is one of trust and daily walks with Jesus. The details are less important. He will supply all my needs, and I will seek wisdom on what’s best for the talents and resources under my control. It’s a real joy to lay my burdens down, and live in shadow of His grace.

Lord of my heart, thank you for your loving-kindness and patience. I’m a silly man, but no less your son. My faith is in you, and I look forward to growing my assurance in You. Bless my friends. Heal my dad. And cover the Chambers family in love and peace.

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Nik Curfman 1/18/21 Nik Curfman 1/18/21

Journal: #179 Favorite Moment of 2020: New Heights With Jesus

Early in the morning, through the joys of a new relationship, through the pain of a breakup, in the middle of quarantine, when my body aches and my emotions frown, late at night, without excuses, in the car, on planes, during trips, and regardless of motivation…I sought Him.

He did not disappoint.

This post is first and favorite Moment of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, #6 Walking Away From BBQ here, #5 Growing in Gratitude here, #4 Discovering Myself here, #3 Learning to Love Myself here, and #2 Grace and Patience here.

I grew up in church, but I consider my walk with Jesus to be 22 years old. 2020 was without question the most special and rewarding year in my pursuit of His Kingdom. I can’t say enough about it, but I’ll try.

The greatest of what I encountered last year was not in one glorious moment or series of moments. It came in the daily practice of letting God be God in my life. I experienced more freedom, joy, grace, and love than ever, and it’s all because I let Him into the dark corners and dusyt backrooms of my heart.

I’m not going to belabor this point or waste words.

Jesus promised all the needs of our lives would be met if we “seek first the Kingdom.” Very simply, that is my testimony. Everyday of 2020, I sought Him.

He did not disappoint.

I will add a few important tips for anyone who wants to experience the fullness of the Lord:

Every day means every single every day. Show up before the Lord no matter how you feel or what the voice in your head says.
Be honest. Tell the Lord what you feel, exactly how you feel it. If the thoughts in your head are sad or depressing, start there.
Listen. The Lord loves us. His voice is kind and patient. There is no condemnation.
Find something to be grateful for in each day. It does not matter how mundane it is, start with the weather or the roof over your head. But when you look for God’s goodness in your life, it will become obvious everywhere.

That’s it. I’m tired and have a good blog to write for tomorrow. For now, I’m going to end my list here. 2020 was a wonderfully awesome, sad, and amazing year. I wouldn’t trade it for all the rice in China.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 1/17/21 Nik Curfman 1/17/21

Journal: #178 MLK Taught Me To Love

These holy concepts of Love without discrimination and Grace without reason are the foundation of how the Father sees His creation. It’s a big f*cking deal.

Martin Luther King Jr is a man I think about on a regular basis. Even though we never met, he’s not a random or unimportant figure in my mind. His book “The Measure of a Man” (which is more of a collection of essays) is one of the books I recommend to any Christian. I read it at a time when my faith was in transition from evangelical charismatic Christianity to whatever I am today. In the book he makes a compelling biblical case for the value of humanity and the fullness of love (self, others, and God.)

To say Martin Luther King influenced my walk with the Lord and my theology is an understatement. He was the first person to put the concept of righteous self-love into my head. It took me another 12 years to figure out what it looks like, but nonetheless I got here. He also helped hone my concept of grace.

No one is beyond the love and favor of the Lord, including the darkest criminal heart.

These holy concepts of Love without discrimination and Grace without reason are the foundation of how the Father sees His creation. It’s a big f*cking deal.

When people casually dismiss the detention of children at the US border with Mexico, this is not love. When my fellow Christians want to deny equal rights to sinners, it’s not love. More importantly, when we demand perfection in the people around us, when we shame ourselves and hold onto fear, when we gossip and belittle the weakness of another, none of that is love.

Love is a big f*cking deal.

Love is patient and kind…to all people.

Love isn’t jealous of what anyone else does, or has, or accomplishes.

Love is grateful and hunts for the good in each person and moment.

Love doesn’t remember the offense of yesterday.

Love hopes all things for out shitty bosses, lousy neighbors, in-laws, and ex-business partners.

If we have money, eloquence, power, fame, the ability to heal or see the future, but we do not have love…we ain’t shit.

Period.

Love is the greatest and most powerful gift in our universe, and yet we dismiss it so effortlessly. It’s what propelled Jesus to live His life and face His murder. It’s what drives Him still. Prophecy, miracles, philosophy, technology…none of it set the world on its ear like the radical God-man did 2000 years ago. And His message to us was one of Love, his Father’s love.

And yet, leaders in the church are obsessed with “holding the line” and being “watchmen.” We focus on behavior modification (sin) and cute church programs. The heart of America is dying and we focus on justice? Equality? Freedom? None of it is worth a damn without love. Love includes justice, freedom, and equality.

We cannot love God and ignore ourselves. We cannot love others without loving ourselves. And we cannot properly love ourselves without Loving Him. I’m not making this up. Jesus literally said what I just said in Matthew 5 and 6.

All of the law of the prophets is fulfilled in two simple commands: Love God, and Love your Neighbor the way you Love yourself. To love God is to pursue Him, to pray and listen, to worship and respond. To love ourselves is self-care- physically, mentally, and emotionally. And to love others is to fight for the rights and opportunities you want for yourself.

If you have good healthcare, you should fight for everyone to have what you have. It’s should not be left up to the market to determine who lives or dies, who receives care and who doesn’t.

If you eat a good diet, you should fight for proper nutrition for your neighbors.

America has become a cesspool of me-first politics, where few of us try to see a situation or issues from another’s perspective. We all have and use our own facts to serve our self-interests. But, this is not the Gospel either.

Whatever you do for yourself, that’s what you should want for others. More importantly, what would you want if you were in someone else’s shoes?

It was Jesus who said to walk two miles when a person asks for one, to give without expecting anything back, and turn the other cheek when struck on one side.

I could not live in the mountains of West Virginia without questioning the wisdom of the “free market” and what it did to the people of those mountains. I cannot sit with my African American brothers, read the histories of how southern cops were often the very KKK members burning their churches to the ground, and hold my compassion back when we see black men shot down like dogs. And, I will not listen to those cooks from Mexico who sent money back to their families, how they are trying to get their sons away for the cartels, and tell them to go back home.

I will not apologize for questioning the conservative Christian narrative I was fed by people like Rush Limbaugh, FoxNews, pastors, teachers, and anyone else too concerned with “justice” to show a damn bit of compassion for their enemies. I see very little Jesus in any of these people. (Love does not encourage a victim to remain a victim, but it sure-as-shit doesn’t tell broken people to heal themselves either.)

No preacher or pastor should ever step on a stage without talking about the love of the Father at least once. But, entire ministries are devoid of it. They can go weeks and months without every using the word. So what do we see today? Ministers obsessed with the election, doom and gloom prophecies.

They speak of “talking a stand” and “righteousness.” I pity them. Truly. They do not know the Love of the Father. They see the body of Christ as an army (an analogy Jesus NEVER used.) We are not an army. We are a family. We were meant to love and create, not fear and fight.

Love is a long game not a program. It’s a way of life, not a strategy. It only comes from the throne room of the Lord God Almighty.

With this in mind, I speak the following:

Lord God, Creator of time and space,

My Holy Father,

Forgive us. Forgive me. We have not followed Your word, but we long to do what is good and holy. Forgive my countrymen and women for preaching a Gospel devoid of what matter most. And, I repent for judging this generation of church leaders and their flaws.
I love my country, and I refuse to concede it to the forces of lies and darkness. I call forth the Love and Grace of Heaven to be poured out on every man, woman, and child from Hawaii to Maine, the cities to the plains, on the Democrats, Republicans, atheists, and especially those of us who running after You.

In the sweet name of Jesus, I reject and bind the spirit of violence, of conspiracy, and death. I release love and kindness. I beg you to ignite the desire for peace in every member of your body. Lord, put us on the Lamp stand and let us shine.

May we be the loud and confident to sing the song You give us to sing.

Holy Spirit, baptize us in Faith. Pour it out on us. Show us how to push the evil back into its hole without hurting the lost. Release a fresh wave of your wisdom and encourage our hearts.

Lastly, by the Power of the name of Jesus, I cast fear out of America. Jesus, deliver us from this evil. Yank this beast out of our conscience and processes. Fill us with Your Spirit and hope eternal.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 1/16/21 Nik Curfman 1/16/21

Journal: #177 Going After Goals

I’m happy I’m serving my heart with my goals. On paper they aren’t sexy, but they matter to me. I can build on this success. I find encouragement to go after slightly more scary goals and interests. My new goals including sculpting and daily exercise.

Yesterday was a day of quiet triumph. I found the path back to hope and vision for my life, and it began when I surrendered my mind to the Holy Spirit. By the time I fell asleep, I was content and thankful for bottomless grace.

Today, I checked on some goals I set the day after Christmas. Two of those goals are blog and walk +10k steps for at least 45 consecutive days. In each instance, 45 days would be a new high water mark.

Given today is the 16th, I’m nearly half to these goals. It was a good feeling to know I was closer to accomplishing two goals than I thought. Motivation surged through my heart today as I walked deep into the woods, and I considered new short-term goals.

As simple as it seems to walk for 45 straight days is a challenge and commitment. The weather in Redding is rainy this time of year. I’ve got to check the weather radar to plan my walks around incoming waves of rain. When I need to, I walk in the rain.

Writing is a bit easier than walking. I made a spreadsheet of topics and ideas, so I don’t have to be inspired everyday. The real trick is I’ve got to find time to focus and do the work. Unlike getting my steps in, writing requires concentration. I can’t talk to my parents or friends while I write, which I do on my walks.

Overall, I’m happy I’m serving my heart with my goals. On paper they aren’t sexy, but they matter to me. I can build on this success. I find encouragement to go after slightly more scary goals and interests. My new goals including sculpting and daily exercise.

I’m so thankful and happy for this second. Progress is progress, and worthy of celebration.

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Nik Curfman 1/15/21 Nik Curfman 1/15/21

Journal: #176 Surrendered To The Expert

This week has an absolute battle for myself. I’m tired of fighting ghosts, and arguing with people who aren’t in my life. I’m not under attack, but I feel that way. As my counselor said on Wednesday,”it’s in your head.”

She’s right. I have a good life, and I am blessed beyond measure.

I have parents who love me, friends who care about my life, and a God who is never angry or unkind. I am loved and worthy of love, not matter what. So, despite the Battle of January, I will keep fighting. I’m not giving up on me, because I’m worth it.

I love me, and I believe in myself.

I wish I could control my brain, and maybe I can. Perhaps, it’s a process to be learned. Regardless, I will not be swayed or turn from the path I decided to follow last year. This is the mountain I am climbing, and I aim to see the top.

Last summer, when I hiked to Ramona Falls, I wanted to turn back. The internet told me the trek was 3.5 miles each way. After 4.5 miles, I began to wonder if I was lost. How much further is it? My legs burned, and I was starting to get hungry.

I’m glad I stayed to the trail and didn’t turn back. Ramona Falls was even better than I expected, and totally worth the trip.

As of this moment, I feel like I’m halfway on my way to something. I believe in something good at the other end, but…is it worth it? Yes. Of course, it is. In any case, what would I turn back to? What’s my recourse? I honestly don’t know.

I’m not going back to a world of cigarettes, porn, and alcohol. There’s no going back to self-pity and despair. Whatever this moment is- the emotions, thoughts, and grief- is nothing compared to what I’ve experienced in my past. It’s good for me to remember that.

Walking with Jesus and running after the Kingdom of God is not a candy lane to sunshine and bottomless joy. I wish that were true. It wasn’t for Jesus, so it won’t be for me. I will create space for faith and gratitude, peace and grace. He begins when I stop fighting or trying to sound smart. He honors my truth, then injects His reality. I can think myself into a gutter like anyone, so it takes the Expert to elevate my soul beyond my genius.

Winning isn’t in my intellect, but in my surrender.

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Nik Curfman 1/14/21 Nik Curfman 1/14/21

Abstract: Welcome Alien Brothers

Regardless of what the truth is about foreign life forms they are still subject to the One,

The great I Am,

Our Eternal Father.

If this be the case, they are our brothers and sisters too.

No less deserving of love, kindness, or affection.

What if aliens are real?

Grey people with wide black eyes,

And the ability to travel across the universe in ways we can only imagine.

My real “what if” is more of a ‘what does,’

As in ‘what does this mean about God?’

My God.

The Creator of my world and yours.

My fear assumes they will preach a gospel of a-theism,

And plunge our Earth into theological chaos.

Or perhaps, just mine.

My fear produces many assumptions without fact or reason.

If God is God, maker of the heavens and Earth,

The sun and moon, stars and physics,

He’s their God too.

Perhaps they know Him in ways we don’t.

It’s more likely, the alien beings are as diverse and divided as the human beings on this planet.

If the Lord made them, as He created us, they can choose life or death,

Love or pride. Peace or shame.

Perhaps they had a Garden of Perfection, an Adam and an Eve,

A serpent and a liar.

Yes. Any person in this universe knows evil is real and seeking who it may devour.

By chance, maybe, they do not know sin.

And all their progress, is the result of creative pursuits,

Springing from hearts and minds untethered to grief or pain.

Regardless of what the truth is about foreign life forms they are still subject to the One,

The great I Am,

Our Eternal Father.

If this is true, they are our brothers and sisters too.

No less deserving of love, kindness, or affection.

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Nik Curfman 1/14/21 Nik Curfman 1/14/21

Journal: #175 Favorite Moments of 2020: Grace and Patience

The difference between me in January of 2021 and a year ago is the grace and kindness of the Lord. I don’t have to be perfect or punish myself when I’m wrong. And the further I look down the road, the better my decisions become. Patience and grace are gifts of love from Him to me.

This post is second of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, #6 Walking Away From BBQ here, #5 Growing in Gratitude here, #4 Discovering Myself here, and #3 Learning to Love Myself here.

It would be an understatement to say I learned about grace and patience in 2020. Entering 2020, I had some patience- the kind of patience you have for a crying child or waiting in line. I did not have long-term life patience. Whatever I wanted had to happen the moment I wanted it, or it was never going to happen. As for grace, I didn’t have a clue. I do now.

Learning From the Kids

In 2020, I was introduced to a number of “kids.” I call them kids because they were all mostly ten years(or more) younger than me. Through them I was encouraged and challenged, but also assured. I see them make the same mistakes and fall into the same traps I did.

It’s hard to watch them stumble through pain and insecurity, impatience, and fear. I want to shake them by the shoulders and scream until they shut up. They haven’t yet given themselves into the hands of the Lord. In that tension, one foot in Him and the other in man, they will never find contentment or peace.

But I can’t be that guy, the “all-knowing” douche bag. For starters, if I had my shit together I’d be “farther along” than I am. Right? Wrong.

Enter, grace and patience.

Grace Is Unearned Favor

I am blessed to befriend these younger versions of me. I get to walk with them, and they are not my responsibility. Some mistakes need to be made, like a hand on a hot stove. And when the door is opened, I will share what I have to give. It’s the best of both worlds.

I know now, grace is always flowing and available to me. I’m the one with my hand on the knob. I decide whether or not I’m going to allow the Lord to be Himself in my life.

Grace is about possibilities and redemption of lost opportunities. I’ve seen it over and over the last year, in my life and the lives of my friends. Perfection is not I requirement for those in Christ Jesus. Pursuit is. I’ll give you an example.

As I write this blog post, the marketing company I work for stands posed to land a huge contract. In a real literal sense, I am not qualified to do the job they are asking me to do. I am not as knowledgeable or experienced as others in the marketing world. But, I am wildly creative in that space, and they recognize the intangibles I bring to the team. I think like an owner and connect like details back to the big picture. I can manage production teams and meet with clients. And, I’m creative.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I don’t think I can meet the challenge. Of my own strength and track record, I shouldn’t be in this situation. Yet, I will not let go the opportunity in front of me. I don’t have to be perfect or have all the answers. This is a fantastic moment to grow.

Of course, I’ll have to bust my ass, but that’s a given. I’m here for it. In my past, I’d run from a moment like this, or figure out a way to sabotage it. Not today. I’ve got favor on my life and I will honor it.

Patience Is Life-Sustaining

Whatever hurdles come and trap I find, that’s when patience shines. Patience isn’t a magical power to endure. It’s vision to know this slice of time is temporary. That’s the goodness of time. It passes. Thankfully nothing last forever, and if we keep a heart of gratitude we will experience the fullness of joy in each moment.

To be more specific, patience is long-term vision. It’s the ability to sacrifice current comfort and perfection for the long gain. This is what the Father does with us. He’s not concerned with this moment, and yet His hand is moving us along all the same. He knows the outcome, so the score doesn’t matter.

To us, the score matters. We look up at the scoreboard and fret when we think we are behind. Jesus has ice water in his veins. There’s no rush in His voice, no hurry to His pace. He is patient, because He plays a different game.

It’s the game I’m trying to play. Grace is the aggressive offense. It takes chances and doesn’t flinch when it fails. Patience is the relentless defense. Sure, battles will be lost and suffering will come. Just play the next play. The best any of us can do is forget what happened and move forward. The past is not the future.

For twenty years, the Lord built His case for me. He slowly and consistently guided me until last year, when I was able to see it. That’s the definition of patience. I thought about it last night. The Lord is never curt with me or frustrated. His voice is always kind and encouraging. I can’t make that up. I’m often unkind and impatient with myself, but not Him.

They enabled me to face some of the most difficult moments in my life without shame or embarrassment. And they light my path when my head starts to sink. I am loved and worthy of love. The Lord loves me without logic or end.

I couldn’t be more grateful for it.

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Nik Curfman 1/13/21 Nik Curfman 1/13/21

Journal: #174 Learn, Re-Learn, And Grace

I choose believe I don’t have to swim back to shore, but I’m already standing on it. Grace isn’t a work of works. It’s the ability to go from ashamed or angry to alive and joyful in a second. There’s no need to delay the love the the Lord. There’s no need to “work out my salvation.”

Feeling Unwanted

Last week I avoided a poker game. I did so because I did not want to talk politics or conspiracy theories with the other guys. I didn’t want to be rejected for being the only non-Trump supporter, for believing in vaccines, and the election of 2020 was fair.

Wading Through The Moment

The last few months I’ve been tossed out to sea, fighting a ghost. In between Zoom meetings and marketing projects, I stopped believing I’m awesome. The pressure to hit deadlines and the lack of positive feedback has me feeling like a phony. The work never ends, and I have more than enough time to over-think my flaws.

Today, I was angry at myself. The ghost seemed real, and nothing I did sent him away. Although I refused to give up hope to find my way back the land of hope and grace, it felt miles away.

He Leaves BreadCrumbs To Get Me Home

God, in His kindness and foresight, put a new friend(no, not a girlfriend) in my life. And today, she asked me a simple question as I explained my headspace. She wanted to know “what a healthy Nik looks like at the poker game?”

A healthy Nik- who is confident- doesn’t care what others think or what they believe. From those strong shores, I have loads of grace for all types of people and perspectives, but I haven’t been on that safe island in ages.

What I really did last Friday and today was give into fear.

Back to Basics

The question itself “what does a healthy Nik look like” gave me hope. It reminded me of what I can be any time I want. I am not doomed to be dominated by the intolerance of others. More importantly, I am destined to believe in myself, and carry so much love on my back I don’t have room for the disapproval of others.

At another time, I’d feel bad about falling into an old habit. I’d try to punish myself. For what? That’s the way of the world. It’s a measure of contrition, supposedly. But, I don’t recall the Lord ask Peter for penitence.

Instant Grace

This moment feels like I won a major victory. We all progress, then fall back a bit. That’s life. I am thankful I can recognize these lies and fears for what they are. I am happy to know I know how to fight back, to let the Lord love me, and to love myself.

My God. My great and wonderful God. Thank you for new friends and ancient wisdom. Thank you for questions and and grace. I love this particular victory as much as any other.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 1/12/21 Nik Curfman 1/12/21

Abstraction: Grace

I marveled and judged those who, despite being incomplete,

Ran after their hearts desires and destiny.

How arrogant?

I thought I had to chisel myself out of stone,

Forever carving away the flaws and ugly bits.

Forever unfinished,

never qualified,

always unworthy.

I marveled and judged those who, despite being incomplete,

Ran after their heart’s desires and destiny.

How arrogant?

How impatient?

How unprepared, they were.

Can’t they see?

Don’t they know?

Their inevitable folly?

But, not me.

I won’t make mistakes,

As soon as I finish working on me.

But…that day ain’t never coming,

When I can announce to the world my perfection.

What then, do I do, with me?

What is true, and what do I believe?

Enter the Ancient One.

His grace so great, so without end,

He gives it away as sun and rain,

To nourish and guide each of us.

To the impatient, there is grace.

To the immature, there is grace.

To the arrogant, there is grace.

To the addict and obese, there is grace.

To the slow-puzzler and self-hater, grace and more grace.

To the over-thinker, hand-wringer,

To the lonely and abused,

To the bully and bullied,

To the atheist and racist,

To the stuck-in-a-rut,

To the rich and poor,

To the city slick and country hick,

To the perfectionist…

The afraid…

The angry and confused,

to those who feel forgotten,

And wrongly accused.

Grace.

Unending grace.

Unmerited, eternal grace.

It’s favor on our lives,

From a Father to His kin.

I am not my mistakes or sins that I’m in.

I suppose I’ll look foolish and impatient,

From those outside judging in,

I don’t care.

I love myself.

And, I’ve got a purpose to start living.

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Nik Curfman 1/12/21 Nik Curfman 1/12/21

Journal: #173 Favorite Moments of 2020: Self-Care

What I can do is continue do love myself everyday. So I’ll keep going on my walks, praying and singing to the Lord, writing blog posts, and distancing myself from people who seek to become anchors around my ass. One way or another, I’m going to live and enjoy my life. It’s a gift from God, and I will treat it as such.

This post is third of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, #6 Walking Away From BBQ here, #5 Growing in Gratitude here, and #4 Discovering Myself here.

Learning From Disaster

The conviction to love myself sunk into my chest on a tear-filled Friday afternoon. It was on that day I finally understood there was a part of my heart designed for me- a part of my soul only I can love and service. I’ve got to serve me as I would anyone else.

On that day, my undiagnosable stomach ailment had returned, the woman I loved was losing her battle with anxiety, and my business partner had grown distant in anticipation of our split. Unable to work, I went home and sobbed into the carpet before the Lord. I tried everything I knew to avoid this pain, but it came all the same.

Stop Ignoring Me

I believe the break-up and business split would’ve happened regardless of what I said or did. Ironically, I was on both sides of each parting. My heart was in one venture, but not in the other. What I did not do well was handle the stress and strain. I didn’t care for myself through the fire, and nearly burnt out…again.

In this place, I turned to the Lord and finally laid down the last bit of control I held. For 40 years, I’ve tried to be all the things, and now I was broken. Really broken, mind, body, and spirit.

Alright Lord, let’s do this your way. Forever.

Message From Jesus: Love Thyself

What’s amazing about that moment is the Lord turned it back on me. He told me to do what’s in my heart to do, and love myself. How awesome is that? The Holy Spirit didn’t command me to scale a mountain or get a thousand people saved. It said “be you.”

Since that afternoon in late May, I’ve learned what it means to love Nik. It looks like long walks and saying no to abusive relationships. It’s taking time to rest when my body hurts and my emotions are raw. Most importantly, it is making time every day to love and run after Jesus, to pray, to cry, and praise Him for the life He’s granted me.

This Moment Was in the Works

I can see in retrospect I’ve been on this path for the last 4-5 years. I’ve learned to love being in nature. My first trip to the Redwoods made my heart come alive as I drank in the landscape of giant trees, winding streams, and mist. During the COVID quarantine I went on a lot of walks, usually with Ms C. Even without her, I found a peace and glory in just moving through the world outside of the shelters we create.

And, I finally found the inner strength to let go of toxic relationships. I wasn’t aware of the amount of stress I carried because of the power I gave to certain voices in my life. And now that they are gone, my stress level is much lower. The lack of shitty voices also created a space for new people to shine. This is the glory of God too.

Jesus Loved and Valued Himself

The world tells us we must tolerate the bullshit people fling at us. It’s not true. Jesus was not a passive doormat. He challenged his followers, questioned His mother, and refused to conform to the norms.

No. I don’t see Jesus as some crazed, aggressive rebel as some posit Him to be. He also wept over Lazarus, felt compassion on the poor and down-hearted, and made time for the children. He preached of an eternal loving Father, grace for all, and hope for the hopeless.

If I Want To Live, I Gotta Love

None of us can stand in the place of our calling without strength, hope, and faith. And those of us who dare to threaten hell will be tested and attacked. One way to combat this is in the daily service of our physical bodies, our minds, and our hearts. This is why Jesus slept and often went away into the wilderness.

Yes. I plan and aim to be a mighty man of the Lord, whatever it looks like. I will expand the Kingdom and push the darkness back. I can’t do that if I’m full of fear, constantly worried what people will think, or unable to care for myself.

Love Is A Daily Habit

Last year was painful at times, and I expect to have more pain in the future. If I love a woman and she can’t or doesn’t want to love me back, there’s nothing I can do about it. If someone I partner with decides to go a different way or default on our agreement, there’s not much I can do but bleed and heal.

That’s life.

What a gracious moment in the middle of a storm. To feel the conviction of what “love thyself” truly means and see what it is. Thank you Lord for this kindness. It came without guilt or sadness, and in a moment when my ears were open.

Thank you Lord. Your rebuke is truly better than secret love. It is not condemnation but a call to a higher level of life in You.

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Nik Curfman 1/11/21 Nik Curfman 1/11/21

Journal: #172 Gratitude Of Change

It’s the blessing of the Lord for Him to shine a light on path I need to forge. He’s trying to help. I’m not deep in a romantic relationship with my on fire, or tied to a dead-end business partnership. Right now is the best time to face these demons, far outside any metaphorical city.

The following might be a bit of a challenge for some, but it’s my life.

Last night, I felt insecure and knew I needed to connect with the Lord. My thoughts were running unhindered into dark places, and I was arguing with myself. I tried to meditate and create a space for the Holy Spirit. Eventually, I found a peaceful spot as I sat on the couch.

As I’ve done a thousand times over the last year, I questioned the narratives in my head. I know whatever distance I feel, however far I think I am from the Holy Spirit, it’s not true. He’s always with me. Furthermore, Jesus is the Prince of Peace, not the author of anxiety. The self-judgement and insecurity I sense is my head, not my Kingdom reality.

Maturing In My Relationship With Jesus

Toward the end of the evening I closed my eyes to listen to the Lord. My mind went quiet and I waited. As is normal, I began to cry as I waited on Him. This routine began when I was a child, and I’ve never questioned it. After a bit, in mind, I saw the face my Grandmother Lean and she asked me,”Why are you crying?”

In more ways than one, it’s funny she would be the person to ask me such a question. On earth she was very matter-of-fact and tolerated little non-sense. Her blunt nature could be mistaken for being cold and unfeeling. In this situation, it fits she would ask me such a direct question.

I couldn’t really respond to her, but I knew the answer. I cry in the presence of the Lord because I don’t feel worthy to be there. So her question was not meant to embarrass me, but rather to challenge me. In all my time with Jesus over the last year, I still feel unworthy. (Not all the time, and with less frequency than ever.)

Do It Now, or Later. Choose Now

I thought about what the Lord has exposed in me this year: what my biggest desires are, what my biggest fears are, and my lasting grudge toward ministers. My heart sank. I thought about this never ending cycle of self-perfection. What’s the point? Yet, I know this moment is the Lord trying to pull weed out of my heart.

Something about that last thought “this moment is the Lord” struck my heart. I’ve looked at this all wrong. It’s the blessing of the Lord for Him to shine a light on path I need to forge. He’s trying to help. I’m not deep in a romantic relationship with my life on fire, or tied to a dead-end business partnership. Right now is the best time to face these demons, far outside any metaphorical city.

Instead of sitting in self-pity, I’m going to be thankful. Like I wrote yesterday, better to move when the Lord says move than wait for the pain to show itself.

Thank you Lord for being good to me. Thank you for showing me, this is grace and mercy too. To take me into the wilderness to grow and find peace.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 1/10/21 Nik Curfman 1/10/21

Journal: #171 Onward In Faith

I thought about the concept of readiness as I finished my walk. My last four girlfriends all happened when I thought I was ready by my standards. Now the Lord is asking me to trust His lead and believe in His grace at a time when I know I’m in transition. This is a new level of trust and faith for me, but one I embrace.

I had a long talk with Lord today as we wondered through the forest near Churn Creek. It’s been a day of long talks, and a week of intense discussions. I can hear His voice, and I know what He’s saying. Onward.

As I wrote yesterday, I’m following His lead. Over the summer, post break-up, I had plenty of motivation to run to the Lord, to make changes, and let him expose the rotten parts of my heart. But now, He wants to keep going. I must follow.

This morning, I was sunk a bit despair. The weight my life, what the Lord was asking me to do, and my fear revealed began to taunt me. In a divine moment of clarity, I cried out to the Lord and asked Him to show up. He did. In that same instant I began to laugh and giggle, like I was high.

God is good.

Right before my walk, I sat in my car an extra minute to asked the Lord why he was doing what He’s doing. Why are you pushing me to date? And this was His answer,”It’s not about dating. It’s about overcoming your need to perfect yourself before you do anything.”

It’s true.

After I broke-up with Ms C, all I could think of was how I need to be the best version of myself before I date again*. I need to lose weight, make some money, and get a better job. It’s the same trap I always fall into. I disqualify myself.

And it’s not just in dating. In so many areas of my life, I’ve held back in the name of timing or waiting for the right opportunity. Thing is, I don’t mind taking risks, and rarely regret them. Which is why the Lord wants me to start with dating. It’s the place I fear most and tend to believe I’m not ready.

Onward.

*In all fairness to myself, I’ve been more gracious with myself. I’ve embraced my heart and what I want. That’s a big deal, and something that’ll help me in any future relationship.