Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 1/9/21 Nik Curfman 1/9/21

Journal: #170 Following His Lead

I can’t go back to living a life controlled by my fears. It includes being uncomfortable and giving up my need to know what the next step is or where I’m headed. This is my opportunity to walk by faith, which is what I want.

This is week was one of my toughest since last spring. On every level- physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally- I was tested. I questioned my life choices, and whether or not I’d ever be happy. Then my new counselor challenged my darkest fears, and my shoulder decided to stop working.

Mostly, the last six days, I’ve felt like I’m barely hanging on. But, that’s not true. I’m going a good job. By simply choosing to face this difficult moment with the Holy Spirit, I took another step up the mountain.

Thankfully, time moves on. Today, I’m happy to report my shoulder is near 100%. I’m beginning to regain my confidence. And…I know it’s time to move forward into the next season with Jesus.

On my morning walk today, the Lord told me “With Me, no one ever takes a step backward. You either go forward or stay in place.” It gave me an odd confidence to now know I can’t go backwards. Neither can you.

Later in my walk, I decided to start praying in tongues. It’s not something I do often, more out of a lack of words. On this occasion, as in a past, I felt an emotional and spiritual release I cannot put into words. I burst into tears as spoke my gibberish into the cool morning air. I have no idea what “praying in tongues” really is or what it means. I do know it’s real. It’s my way for saying something I didn’t know I needed to say, and it touches my soul in a way nothing else can.

When I finished praying I heard the Lord again,”You’ve learned about your heart. Now I’m going to teach you about your spirit.” Again, I have no idea what that means, but I’m going to move when the Spirit says move.

It’s the season I’m in. Part of me wants to ease back, and relax. Yet, I can’t. My wisdom tells me to move when the Lord says move. If He says He going to teach me about my Spirit, I’m going to listen and take notes. When my counselor is the third person in six months to ask me to set goals, I’m going to set goals. And, when the Lord wants to put His finger on the big fear in my chest…I’m going to let Him expose it.

I’m going to follow His lead whether I think I’m ready or not. Why? Because He’s right, and I’m not. I trust Him. I trust His word to me, and I obviously need to learn about my spirit. I trust I need to set goals, because they scare me. Most importantly, I trust Him if He says it’s time to date again.

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Nik Curfman 1/9/21 Nik Curfman 1/9/21

Abstraction: Human Desire

The fear faced and the admission made,

I know what I want is good and human.

An original, Eternal desire,

Planted by the Holy Spirit when we were still dust.

Found at the bottom of the chest, beneath the blankets and odd trinkets.

The simplest longing,

Old as humanity,

Evidence of my Eternal DNA.

I’m afraid to admit what I’ve found.

I’m afraid to recognize some part of me is like you.

I want to be special.

I wanted the desire buried in my depth to be unique.

So, I can be unique.

My purpose greater than most.

My life worth living, noteworthy, and admirable.

But, when I look at what lay at the base of all the rest, I feel ashamed.

And more shame, because I feel I am like you, not distinct but the same.

I’m suppose to be different.

My life more than ordinary.

How can something so common lead to anything extraordinary?

Here I sit, crossed leg and left eye twitching,

As I try to find the words to confess I am human.

With ease I write,

I want to love people.

My mom, my friends, and my enemies.

The next step is to expose what I found beneath that,

I want to be loved.

More than loved, because I am already surrounded by it,

From my mom, my friends, and my enemies.

I want to love and be loved, by her.

(Whoever her will be.)

The fear faced and the admission made,

I know what I want is good and human.

An original, Eternal desire,

Planted by the Holy Spirit when we were still dust.

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Nik Curfman 1/8/21 Nik Curfman 1/8/21

Journal: #169 Favorite Moments of 2020: Loving Who I Am

In 2020, I learned I can no longer ignore myself. I must love who I am and respect the desires of my heart. It means I’ve got to run after what I buried…and trust the Lord. I am enough. What I want and who I am is enough.

This post is fourth of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, #6 Walking Away From BBQ here, and #5 Growing in Gratitude here.

I’m one of the lucky ones, blessed if you will. Beginning in April of 2020, I was given the opportunity to explore my heart. Ignoring my heart, my soul, my being has only led to pain and suffering. On this occasion I was ready to let it be what it is, not what I think it should be.

I want to explain this process was not and is not easy. The examination of my inner being, what gives me life, where I find joy and wonder, is a scary. Yet, as I write, I am aware of a deeper more intimidating task.

It’s one thing to say what we want or who are. It’s another to guard and protect it, to nourish and feed it, to love ourselves the way we love others. This is the riskiest gambit of all. What if I fail at being me? What if my heart and soul tricked me? And, I will be poor and alone forever?

Therein lay the biggest lie: what I am, who I am, what I want isn’t good enough. But, good enough for what? For who? So now, for the first time I will admit something. I’ve been so scared of being a poor husband and father I judged all of my life choices and desires through this lens. The choices I made in life from trying to lose weight to becoming a partner in a BBQ business were for them.

The desires in my heart- to love people, to write, to sculpt, to invest- weren’t good enough. I’d never make enough money to support them the way I being myself. So….I’ve got to be someone else.

This blog is more than just a blog, is an enduring demonstration of self-love. Every day I write and post is a moment I choose to love me, to feed my heart, and be who I am. Some days are more rewarding than others, and some more difficult. Regardless of the result, I never regret this space. Regardless of how many people read my words, I will continue to write. And no matter what any woman thinks, I won’t stop.

I still have to learn a lot about what it means to love myself and serve my heart. It’s easy to slip into old patterns of fear, to put off the scary and intimidating. But, I will not relent or make excuses. Gains will be made followed by the occasion step back. I’m ok with that.

Above all, learning to love myself includes being kind and gracious with me. It’s ok when I fail and the world seems to weigh heavier than normal. It’s ok when my future seems like a long way off. And it’s definitely ok that I’m not perfect.

I love me, my brain, my heart, and my constant belief in good of each human. I love my heart for God and His presence, and delicious food. And, I really love my ability to continue on through pain and disappointment.

2020 gave me the opportunity to love and appreciate me, and face my fears. How great is that?

Here is short form list of a few more aspects of who I am:

I am more risk tolerant than most. An individual’s ability to handle risk, to live in uncertainty, face the possibility of loss or pain depends on the person. In the last ten years alone, I moved around the country, held various jobs in various fields, and met a lot of people. And the older I get the more effort I put into life. I don’t mind change or think failure is the end.
I don’t love sports, but they are ok. I was once a massive sports fan, not any more. I didn’t miss basketball or baseball when they were cancelled last spring. But, this fall, I found myself enjoying college football in a detached way. I think i could learn to be a super casual sports fan.
Being a foodie is not part of my identity. For years, I ingratiated myself to people through food. I cooked for people and propped myself up as an expert. My knowledge and experience is vast, so it’s not a bad way to lead into a new relationship. It’s just not how I want to be seen and known. I love my creativity and compassion for people, and that’s how I want to be known.
I’d rather be outside than inside. Again, thank God for COVID. Without the distraction of sports, I got outside. I love it. I love walks and hikes, the clouds and sun. The progression of nature through each season is far more interesting than anything on TV. It’s slow and methodical, yet relentless.
My future is bright. One thing I love about myself is I am a fighter. I didn’t see it until this year, but I will not be a person “stuck in my ways.” I want to learn, to grow, to live better and love people more than I did a year ago. My growth is uneven and inconsistent, but it is trending in the right direction.

I’ll finish by repeating what I wrote in the introduction. My decision to listen to the Lord and allow Him to expose my heart was an incredible moment. I’m amazing and what’s in my heart is good. If that’s all I learned in 2020, that would be enough.

Lord, thank you. Thank you for exposing the lies that held me inside. Just as importantly, thank you for showing me the goodness you put inside me. That’s your DNA, the eternal Goodness. Forgive me for ignoring it until now. I want to make up for time lost. I know we will.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 1/7/21 Nik Curfman 1/7/21

No Journal Entry today

Hey y’all.

I need a day to let my shoulder and soul rest. So no journal entry today. Hopefully, I will be back tomorrow. Typing with one hand sucks.

Love you.

Nik.

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Nik Curfman 1/6/21 Nik Curfman 1/6/21

Journal: #168 Moving Forward, Facing My Fears

I knew as she said the words, asked the questions, and put her finger on the fears buried deep in soul, it’s time to move on. It’s time to move forward, one little act of faith at a time.

Today was a day. Wasn’t it?

What the Actual F*Ck?

A small band of desperate people stormed the Capital building at the direction of the President. For what? Why? Oh, that’s right. His lies. I am constantly amazed by the defense of Donald Trump from his supporters. They are deceived, and it’s sad to watch.

I want to go on record with something: Donald Trump was not, is not, and will never be God’s instrument. He’s a vulgar and selfish man who used fear and conspiracy to captivate honest people. In two weeks he will be an ex-President. Praise the Lamb.

RemeMber COVID?

Moving on, over 3600 people died in the United States of COVID related deaths. It’s the second highest total so far. Hospitals in Southern California are at max ICU capacity and beyond. They’ve begun to set up tents in the parking lot, and health care workers are at dangerous levels of exhaustion.

And Grief?

And, at 4:30 pm pacific, my roommate called to tell me his father had passed into eternity. In a small yet notable miracle, the hospital allowed my friend to be in the room for the final moments of his dad’s life.

Then’s there’s the day I had.

Pain and Exposed Fear

I woke up with stinging pain in my right shoulder, in two areas. Since I’m an old athlete, I figured I could “play through the pain.” When I got in my car I couldn’t shift into gear reverse and had to use my left hand. Instead of driving to work, I drove to the my pharmacy for extra strength Tylenol and a new heating pad.

Then, I went to see my new counselor, and I wasn’t prepared how that first session ended.

I went into the meeting with a clear goal, to get my active brain under control. Since I was child, I’ve always had trouble when I tried to focus one thought or activity at a time. And any time I misbehaved, got distracted, or couldn’t sit still it was accounted to me as being undisciplined. Turns out, I might have adult ADHD.

This potential diagnosis isn’t the unexpected bit. For a while I suspected I may have some sort of mental disability or disorder like ADHD or some type of depression. I’m not ashamed of it, and would rather know the name of the demon I’m up against. One way or another, I’m going to tackle that bastard, day-by-day.

Sure. Let’s Do this

The surprise came when my new counselor asked “when you thoughts run, are they negative?” I thought it was an odd question, but answered honestly. Sometimes. Then we began to discuss the negative thoughts. I realized they were mostly related to potential future events. Mainly, dating.

Of Course, I’m Scared to Date

Over the last ten minutes of our session, I saw where I’m afraid to date someone new. The thought depressed me for most of the afternoon, and I felt like I’d slid back into some past version of myself.

The one thing I want to avoid is to let fear run my life, to allow it to make decisions for me. But, that’s not what I’m doing.

Whenever I picture myself in a future relationship, I see it ending in a breakup. It usually happens in some manner I couldn’t predict, and I tell myself “that’s life.” This projection of failure keeps me on the sidelines. It fuels the excuses I give myself and allows me to postpone more pain. As long as a successful relationship is “out there in the future,” I don’t have to do anything right now.

The only honest reason I haven’t tried to date someone new is I’m scared. I’m scared I won’t find someone as good as Ms C. If I do happen to find someone as good or better than her, then I’m scared the relationship will end just like all the rest. I’ll be bewildered that I gave another woman everything I had, and it wasn’t good enough. She will still run away.

Faith is Hard When Fear is High

I thought Ms C was an amazing woman and was so thankful to have found her. I knew what I had in her and with her. It was good. So, it’s hard for me to imagine something as good or better. In my head, I know none of that is true. I know I’ll keep going and find my forever lady.

My heart wants to protect itself.

I knew as she said the words, asked the questions, and put her finger on the fears buried deep in soul, it’s time to move on. It’s time to move forward, one little act of faith at a time.

Time to Face my Fears

It’s unclear what moving forward looks like on this cold rainy evening. It could be as simple as downloading any of the dating apps onto my phone and give them a whirl. At this point, I’m just looking for a fun conversation.

It was a tough day full of literal, mental, and emotional pain. For a brief moment, I felt discouraged about my progress. Then, I went for a walk and met Jesus. He’s my forever friend and Guide. Days like today have and will always be part of my life, but they are not my story.

Today, I moved forward in life. I grew just a bit more, and I’m looking to the future with hope instead of fear. That’s the goodness of the Lord. This is His timing. Whether I think I’m ready or not, I’m moving with Him.

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Nik Curfman 1/5/21 Nik Curfman 1/5/21

Journal: #167 Grief is Real

Jesus cried when Larazus died, then he asked for a miracle. So will I. And should the Lord come to collect Mike, I will turn my attention to my roommate. It’s an honor to be his friend, to walk with him through the Valley of the Shadow of Death.

The text message came during a flurry of work related activity, between my attempt to fix a website problem and messages our senior developer. "He’s not responding to the medication, and the doctors want to take him off life support to let him pass.”

I’ve spent the last two weeks praying for a friend’s dad, and now we are at the edge of the end. He will pass on into eternity, or God will intervene in a way only He can. Our human ability has reached its limit.

My roommate and I are not as close as we could be. Our relationship was strained a bit last year, but improved through the fall of 2020. Still, I’ve been to his parent’s home in Texas, and eaten at their table. I’ve talked to Mike via FaceTime and know his voice. My roommate’s father is not just another person to me. And this moment sucks.

It sucks balls. It sucks because Mike is in the hospital right now, by himself (due to COVID complications.). It sucks because when my roommate went home for Christmas, this situation was not on the table. This sucks because all I have is prayer, and it feels inadequate as a motherf*cker. And it really sucks because if just fucking sucks.

And yet, in this season of my life, I know prayer is the most valuable weapon in my bag. There’s nothing greater a child can do than raise their voice to the Father. What this comes down to is the trust I have in Jesus.

As in glorious as this moment is, laden with snot and tears, at least my roommate got to see his dad one last time. At least he go to be there when he went into the hospital. Had it happened a month earlier or later, my roommate would’ve been in California. At least he’s there to steady his mother and sister, and surrounded by family.

I’ve often thought about how we see cancer as a plague, but it’s not. Cancer and heart problems are the indicator something is wrong. And thanks to modern medicine we are given a timeline. At least we know a loved one is on the clock, rather than be surprised. It’s a silver lining I will not mention to my roommate any time soon, but no less true.

This moment, this space between life and death, is hard part of life. Certainty one way or the other is what I want. I want Mike to be healed or die quickly. The finality is the thing most desirable. But this middle ground? This is where we hope against logic and demand the miraculous. Through steady tears, I will not relent or stop asking for the Lord to touch Mike.

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Nik Curfman 1/4/21 Nik Curfman 1/4/21

Abstraction: My Memory and Me

My memory reminds me of the me I once I was, and long existed.

That man is dead.

And soon, his memory will fade.

Replaced by the man I’ve become, an heir to Kingdom,

Now walking toward my rightful place.

When I turn around to see who’s following me, it’s a blank space.

I expect to see me, a younger, more immature me.

I would recognize him his fallen posture and cynical frown.

He hated what he was and who he thought he had to be.

The truth of his whereabouts are much more obvious.

He’s dead.

He died a slow unceremonious death at the hands of me.

I didn’t know it at the time. How could I?

But day by day, as I began to submit to Love and Life, he began to starve.

His thoughts were no longer good enough. His beliefs exposed as lies.

And now, as I walk forward into my destiny, I know I’ve left him behind.

In the ground.

To rot.

Memories are the mark of something that once existed.

They are not prophets of the future.

Despite being a sword with two blades. The only power they have is the power I give them.

My memory reminds me of the me I once was, and long existed.

That man is dead.

And soon, his memory will fade.

Replaced by the man I’ve become, an heir to Kingdom,

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Nik Curfman 1/4/21 Nik Curfman 1/4/21

Journal: #166 Favorite Moments of 2020: Growing In Gratitude

I’m not a victim. My life is filled with amazing people and opportunities. Despite the current hurdles and stresses, I am awash in the favor and grace of the Lord.

This post is fifth of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, and #6 Walking Away From BBQ here.

In Need of a Boost

The irony of writing this post today is not lost on me. The Lord, in all his greatness, knew I’d need a reminder about the importance and impact gratitude has in my life. In fact, my last five favorite moments of 2020 all center on my relationship with Jesus. We found new heights together last year. I do not intend, plan, or will allow myself to go backward in 2021.

The insecure victim I knew is dead. Thanks be to God.

And, that’s the point. I’m not a victim. My life is filled with amazing people and opportunities. Despite the current hurdles and stresses, I am awash in the favor and grace of the Lord.

COVID Isolation Taking a Toll

I think what I need as much as anything is a hug. Since I returned to northern California, I’ve been almost completely alone. It’s not healthy. Add to that the normal of amount of stress and pressure, I realized I’m starting to feel distant from the Lord. Which is a lie.

God of the Universe, creator of time and space, is my best friend- always there, always kind, always ready to love me and listen. Whatever gap I sense between us is really in my head, not my Kingdom reality. He’s the one who pointed out my loneliness.

Oddly, the key to beating loneliness is not to commune with a bunch of people. That’s not what loneliness is, not for me. Loneliness is the belief I am alone, because no one cares about me. I am alone because I’m unworthy of love. It becomes the lens I use to see the world, and I ultimately project that lie onto Jesus.

Gratitude is a Weapon

The way I combat and defeat loneliness is by looking at the glory of God in my life. When I begin to look at what’s good, what’s gives me joy, the amazing people I count as close friends, and doors I get to open…I laugh. I’m rich by any standard of the human condition.

Gratitude became something I knew I needed in 2017, so I started to keep a journal. By late 2018, I began each day with the prayer, “Thank you Lord for this day. I trust you.” Then early this year, I began to understand the true power gratitude. It helped me get through the roughest part of my relationship with my (x) girlfriend, and kept me steady in the aftermath of our breakup.

I appreciated her for who is she and was, not who I wanted her to be. I never focused on the problems or flaws in our relationship. (I didn’t ignore the problems, but I believed in us. I did learn I need to be more proactive in addressing complications and issues.) It’s a perspective I do not regret and want to carry with me into the next relationship.

Gratitude Creates Life

Bigger than that, I want to carry an attitude of gratitude into all areas of my life. It’s life changing. I once wondered how certain people always saw the silver lining, but now I get it. Yes. Parts of life suck.Any idiot can state the obvious when I house is in flames or a loved one is dying. I want to be the person thankful for a new house to build or the time I got to spend with my sick friend.

In my life, as I type, I have a couple of those scenarios playing out in real time. As I typed this post I also texted a friend in Texas. His dad might not make it through the night, and my friend is facing the possibility of that new reality. (We are not conceding anything to the enemy. God has performed bigger miracles than this.) I’m thankful I get to be a friend to my friend, to pray when he has neither the strength or desire, to sit with him in his grief. It’s an honor.

It Opens the Door to Joy

I’ll finish with one small secret. Gratitude paves the way for joy, because joy is the instant recognition of God’s goodness. Once I or anyone begin to train our minds and hearts to look for what’s good, we will begin to see it everywhere. When we see Him everywhere, we find life is enjoyable, especially when we the tide is against us.

Lord, thank you for being so good. Thank you for never limiting your compassion or favor. It’s awesome what you’ve done for me and every human on this planet. Please touch my friends suffering loss and those who are sick. I know you love them. I release healing and vision to the weary, and I bind lies and loneliness. I ask for these things in the name of Jesus the Christ.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 1/3/21 Nik Curfman 1/3/21

Journal: #165 Favorite Moments of 2020: Walking Away From BBQ

The Lord works in truly mind-bending ways. His plan wasn’t for Nik to become a BBQ magnate, but to put me into a position to tear down the wall between me and my destiny.

This post is sixth of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, and read #7 My Love of Writing here.

The Choice

“What do you want to do?” Jason asked.

I didn’t understand the question, mainly because I didn’t think I had an option. “What do you mean?” I replied. “What do you think is best?” Jason answered.

I sat on the couch now aware of what Jason asked me. He wanted to know if I agreed with his belief: it’s best for the business if we ended our partnership. I took a moment to answer him. I held two competing answers. I could stay, and try to work it out with Jason. Or I could go, but to what?

I needed wisdom.

Bad Partnership

I moved from San Francisco back to Redding in 2019 to be Jason’s business partner at Odell Craft BBQ. It’s a business he built out of his backyard with plenty of help from his family and friends. I helped him with pop-ups and large catered events since 2016, and now we were gonna bring delicious OG BBQ to northern California.

I left the tech scene in the Bay Area and he left his comfortable mortgage broker job to make our venture work. We were both all-in.

Cliche but no less true, we had a rocky partnership from start to finish. Jason and I rarely saw eye-to-eye on anything, and we do not have the same values. He’s a task worker with passable people skills. I hate doing the same thing everyday. What he valued was my physical labor, and I did not. (Anyone can cut broccoli and clean dishes.) I value my creativity and want to move things forward. He’s a thinker who will take years to make a simple decision.

He was never going to value my contributions to the business the way I did, so I was never really his partner. I was an employee with a lot of responsibility. But, that’s not why we didn’t work as partners. None of what I just explained is.

My Heart Wasn’t In It

The problem was me. I took his “partnership” offer because it was the opportunity in front of me. And, until that point, Jason and I got along really well. My heart- the kind of heart one needs to persevere and sacrifice for a vision- was never in it.

I took the partnership offer for the money potential. It’s that simple. I will admit, I fooled myself. I thought I was made the best decision for me when I accepted Jason’s offer. I didn’t hate serving BBQ, and was happy to move back to Redding.

Ultimately, I could care less about selling food to people. A great restaurant is built on the predictability of the food and service, but I find it boring and repetitive. It’s just not for me.

The Beginning of My Beginning

Toward the end of our run together, I began to see a business coach about my issues with Jason. He identified some deep pain in my chest. And I knew, it was time to face that pain. 2020 was the year I was to slay the oldest of my dragons: fear of being myself. It was the goodness of God on my life. The Lord didn’t bring me back to Redding to sling BBQ. He brought me back to unleash the purpose He put in my heart.

It was an odd, sad, yet amazing moment in my life. As I watched my girlfriend pull away and the business slip through my fingers, I grew stronger in who I am. On a Friday afternoon, alone in my apartment, I faced my fears and released them to the Lord. I was tired of trying to be someone else, of making choices in direct conflict with my heart.

Three days later, after I told the Lord I wanted to be me, no more trying to be who I am supposed to be, Ms. C broke up with me and Jason asked “What do you think is best?”

My Decision to Walk Away

Before I answered Jason I prayed, “Lord, where is the fear? What am I afraid of?” The Lord responded, “Remove the fear from each thought, then what do you want?” I was not afraid of staying with Jason, dread was more like it. I was afraid of moving on into the unknown, but what if I wasn’t? Instantly, I knew my answer.

It was time for me to move on from OCB. It was time to put all my trust in what I could not see and be the person the Father created me to be. In that moment, I began to walk by faith and not sight.

I turned to Jason and said,”Yeah man. I don’t want to do this any more. Let’s end it.”

(For a few days, I felt like I failed as business partner. Fortunately, I had a buddy from Austin who praised me when he said,” Welcome to being an entrepreneur. Everyone has a failed partnership or two.”)

Learning and Growing

I was not a good partner to Jason Odell, even though I tried. I made demands of his business he could not or ever fill. He never once saw the financial strain as a bad thing. He never once put himself in my shoes. Everything in our relationship was about him, and he only responded to my angry protests. I yelled, screamed, and cussed him out on multiple occasions. I hate that version of Nik. Literally. Hate. It.

It’s my fault. I was a round peg desperately trying to jam myself into a square hole. I couldn’t see then as I do now, it was never going to work. I caused a lot of pain because I refused to address my pain.

From this moment, I took a few nuggets forever burned into my heart:

God is good. It’s never a mistake to trust Him. His grace is new every morning.
Pain unaddressed festers and molds me into something I hate.
Any time I feel ignored, unloved, unappreciated, lonely, unqualified, etc- I face it. I take time to go sit with the Lord and root it out.
I have to be myself and do what’s in my heart to do.
No amount of compliments or praise from others will ever be enough to satisfy my insecurity. I’ve got to affirm myself and my heart (every day.)
I am a creative people person. It’s unfair to me or any employer for me to expect to be happy at task work.

I’m not sure what anyone in my community- those who know Jason and me- think about our split. Frankly, I don’t care. I know it was for the best, and we are both in better situations because of it. The Lord works in truly mind-bending ways. His plan wasn’t for Nik to become a BBQ magnate, but to put me into a position to tear down the wall between me and my destiny.

Thank God. I’d do it a million times over, because it was worth every painful second.

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Nik Curfman 1/2/21 Nik Curfman 1/2/21

Journal: #164 Favorite Moments of 2020: Writing

This blog post will be number 164, almost half way to 330 (my unofficial goal for my first full year of blogging.) I’m proud of myself. It’s not about the number or the increase in the number of readers. I’m proud I decided to do something my heart wants, and the number of posts shows that dedication.

This post is seventh of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike a lot of people, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, and #8 Family and Friends here.

No Job Satisfaction

My dad once asked me if I ever had a job I enjoyed. My quick and honest answer was no. He was shocked and sad for me. Over the course of his life he held several jobs he genuinely loved, and I had no idea what that was like. From the time I started working in my teens until this year, I was never excited about my work.

To be fair, there were moments I enjoyed my restaurants or non-profit work, but they were fleeting and not about the actual work. Whenever I liked what I did it was based on the people or the money. I held no intrinsic value for the job itself.

I’m Not Built For Task Work

For starters, I am not a task oriented person. I get very little satisfaction out of mindless tasks like cutting broccoli, responding to email, or routine marketing meetings. Boring.

I was built for challenges, to solve problems, and be creative. Rarely have my career choices offered me those options. I accept responsibility for it. I chose to neglect who I was, because I didn’t think I could be me.

What My Heart Wants

This year I decided to unearth my heart and listen to it. It told me to love people and be creative. Despite being inexperienced and undeveloped in both areas, I knew that’s what I had to do. No more dedication to mind-numbing tasks or a paycheck.

To Write

I’ve always loved to write be it in spiral journals or blogs. What held me back was a need to be seen as important or relevant. I wanted my writing to be profound and impact people. I needed the approval of others to validate what I write.

In 2020 I learned I had to do certain things, like write, because I need to do them. I write because I have to express myself, because I’ve got something to say, and because it satisfies a deep urge to create and over come a challenge. Each day and every blog post is me in my most honest form. It’s sloppy and unappealing at times. But, a day doesn’t feel like a day without it.

To Be Honest and Encourage

I hope Fearlessgrit becomes more than a place for me to write blog posts. I have plane to bring on more writers, to share their voice and experiences. The ultimate goal is to be a place of vulnerable encourage from normal folks to normal folks. However, should that never happen, I continue to type and press publish.

Simply put, writing gives me life. I take risks and push myself to be honest. At least once a week I question what I posted. Was it too honest? Did I say too much? Should I keep using cuss words? The answer is always no. This is my story and I get to tell it. As such, writing will never be about numbers or personal glory.

To Be Me

The biggest praise or compliment of my writing came from my parents. (Everyday they read my posts, which makes being honest especially nerve wracking at times.) Each parent, in separate conversation, told be how much my writing meant to them. I told myself, “good, that’s enough for me.” If the only people my writing touches is my parents, that’s more than enough.

Listen to Your Heart

To you, my dear reader, please do the thing in your heart to do. We all have something. Love yourself no matter what the result or who’s watching. You need you.

Lord, thank you for loving me and putting people in my life who helped steer me to this moment. Thank you for showing me what’s in my heart to do, and loving me even when I was miles from this place. I love you.

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Nik Curfman 1/1/21 Nik Curfman 1/1/21

Abstraction: Perfect Cookies

In a panic, she flung open the oven door and yanked the hot sheet from the rack. Of course, she was right! One cookie was starting to turn black, while another still raw. The flaws of this latest attempt too great to bare.

The air in the kitchen was laden with the scent of dark chocolate, brown sugar, and melted butter. In her heart she knew, this was the batch. Her long awaited perfection. The bake to end all bakes. No more tears or failure she thought. This is gonna be it.

As time passed a crowd gathered, and her pulse raced. A dozen tiny voices began to ask the questions she long tried to ignore.

What if she burnt the cookies, or they were too sweet, or bitter? Did she remember the baking soda? What would her mother say? Did she even like chocolate chip cookies? What about her fellow baker’s and her former life? What would become of her if she did bake the perfect cookie?

Suddenly her nose caught the scent of something off. She couldn’t be sure, but the longer she stood frozen next to the oven, she convinced herself. She made a mistake. Somewhere in the prep, perhaps the baking, but along the way she f*cked up.

In a panic, she flung open the oven door and yanked the hot sheet from the rack. Of course, she was right! One cookie was starting to turn black, while another still raw.

Tears filled her heart, and she had neither the wisdom or the ability to find the good in this batch. The flaws of her latest attempt too great to bare. Without a taste, she carefully slid her latest effort into the trash heap. The voices applauded her bravery, so why was she ashamed?

The thin baker turned to begin again.

Perfection, her ideal and her burden, keeps her hungry and starved. Alone and afraid. Always baking, never eating the fruits of her labor. Always perfecting, never grateful for the goodness at hand. Always wishing, never enjoying the cookies she baked.

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Nik Curfman 1/1/21 Nik Curfman 1/1/21

Journal: #163 Favorite Moments of 2020: My Family and Friends

In 2020, I was honored and was given the opportunity to honor others in profound ways. And my family and friends, once again, were solid as rocks when I needed them to be.

This post is eighth of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike a lot of people, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, and #9 Part 2 The (X) Girlfriend here.

What is Friendship?

What makes a good friendship? It’s a questions I’ve asked myself throughout my life, and the answer is complicated. It’s also simple. True friendship is when two people find joy in each other, and honor it.

In 2020, I was honored and was given the opportunity to honor others in profound ways. And my family and friends, once again, were solid as rocks when I needed them to be. I also had to let some people go, which is normal. Some people want to remain victims of life, complain about their circumstances, and hate accountability.

When it comes to my family and friends, I’m blessed beyond measure. I don’t have enough words or space to talk about every single person, so I’ll focus on a few.

Jess from Texas

I met Jesse nearly twenty years ago in Charlotte, North Carolina. We were both ministry school students and she became my de facto ride to school every morning. Looking back, it was very kind of her to do so given we barely knew each other.

Eventually, she moved away- to England? Then to Texas(?) where Jess met and married Rob. There they lived until early 2019 when the couple moved to Redding for Rob’s career. I live in San Francisco at the time, but it was the first time Jess and I lived in the same timezone in fifteen years. It was nice.

In May of 2019 I moved back to Redding when I formed a business partnership. My old friends was there, waiting on me.

When people say “God has a plan” it’s usually in response to a tragic random event. We say it to find comfort in the dark storms, but I can honestly say- with conviction- the Lord brought Jess to Redding for me. (And yes, for her and her family.) The last year and half have been some of the most difficult and trying times of my life. Jess was there every step of the way.

When I need someone to take me to the ER, to give me a place to sob after a break up, to bounce ideas off, and generally hold be accountable: Jess was there. She didn’t run from my pain or shame. She didn’t take it personally. And, she gave without pause. And Rob…he let’s Jess be Jess. What trust they have for each other.

I get teary-eyed when I think about when she and Rob will move to Texas. What she’s given me, I can never repay. If ever I needed proof the Lord loves me, it’s in the way Jess treats me. (She’s no push over trying to win my friendship. Jess is strong, and NEVER tells me what I want to hear. It’s not in her nature to sugar coat or lie. It’s part of what makes her great, even though Texas is a humid armpit of America.)

My Parents are Awesome

One of my favorite moments of 2020 was when I flew back to South Carolina to surprise my dad on his birthday. It’s a double bonus, because where dad is mom is too. That long weekend we enjoyed each other, smoked cigarettes, and hiked through the Congaree Swamp.

What I love about my relationship with my parents is it seems to be getting better. They value me as a person, and I try to find new ways to learn from them. To state the obvious, I’m blessed. They are a big reason my visits to Columbia have become something I look forward to instead of something I dread.

Grace of God in Human Form

As stated at the start, I could fill up a vast amount of internet talking about my great friendships. In 2020, my community loved and accepted me like never before. They supported my business decisions, listened to me cry, and challenged me be vulnerable.

Most importantly, that God’s goodness comes in many forms and from many places. It’s part of what made last year a great year in my eyes.

On the ‘morrow, I’m gonna discuss my new love: writing.