Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 12/31/20 Nik Curfman 12/31/20

Journal: #162 Favorite Moments of 2020: The (x) Girlfriend Pt. 2

I know I dated a quality woman because my life is better now than it was before we got together. Any time one person can encourage the other to run after Jesus, it’s a success. No matter what.

This post is ninth (part 2) of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike a lot of people, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read the intro by clicking this link, and this is moment #10: Oregon. Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend is here.

For a quick review, yesterday I discussed what I was proud of from my relationship with Ms C. Despite a gut-wrenching break-up, I think I did well. I loved from start to finish, and beyond. Any shame I felt in the aftermath is old shame.

What I Learned

Today, I will go over what I learned, and how it made me a better man. Some of it is about being a man, and some of it about being human. I know I dated a quality woman because my life is better now than it was before we got together. Any time one person can encourage the other to run after Jesus, it’s a success. No matter what.

So what did I learn?

To Love Myself

The number one lesson that finally stuck is I have to take care of myself regardless of what is happening in life. Until this year I had a bad habit of ignoring my needs in sacrifice of something or someone. I did it with my business partner and Ms C. And, it’s not their fault. My past is littered with many more examples of such moments.

In the summer of 2019, I got super sick with a mystery stomach ailment. I couldn’t eat for almost a month, and the doctors offered no answers. I think it was a psychosomatic (stress-induced illness.) Eventually, I got better. Fast-forward to mid-May of 2020. I knew I was losing her, and the stress mounted. I prayed more, went on late-night burger runs, and stopped doing things I loved. My stomach began to churn the way it did the previous summer.

I tried to ignore what was happening to my body, “Isn’t this what people do when they love someone?” Yes. It is. And, they end up in the hospital.

I’ll never forget the feeling of absolute conviction when I finally understood,“Oh, I can’t ignore myself any more. I’m going to die if I keep doing this. I’ve go to take care of me.” It hit me as square (yet guilt-free) as a thought can, because I literally felt it sink into my soul. The lesson, finally, learned.

I want to make something very clear. No one ever asked me to treat myself poorly. No one ever asked me to eat crappy food or ignore my friends. It is an old pattern of behavior in my life, and I had to repent of it. It’s why I write everyday and go for walks. I will do what I must to love myself every day. No days off.

I love me, and that includes doing for myself what I would do for others.

I Am Loved and Worthy Of Love

My business coach said it very calmly during one of our summer sessions: trauma and pain do not magically disappear. The pain in my heart stemmed from constantly trying to be someone else and constantly trying to win the approval and notice of others. Whenever I felt unappreciated or unloved, I could lash out in anger. Why didn’t they see how amazing I am?

Ms C did not like to see me angry. I get it, because I don’t like it either. My anger was a defense mechanism. I had to stick up for myself because no one else will. It controlled my life, my choices, and how I treated people.

To be clear, anger did not control my life. What controlled me was feeling worthless and unworthy of love. For 40 years, I thought I wasn’t good enough for anyone, so I had to be someone I’m not. Took me 40 years to realize, I can’t be anyone other than me. Anger will always be the product of a Nik who does not love himself and feels like a loser.

There’s nothing like a break-up to test a person, so I seized the opportunity by the throat. To defeat worthlessness, I started some new habits. They include positive self-talk, repeating the promises of the Lord aloud, and addressing negative emotions whenever they surface. Any time I feel rejected or attacked, I fight back. I am loved and worthy of love. I’m amazing. The Lord will never leave me and His grace is new every single morning. I believe the future ahead of me and I trust the Lord to take care of me.

Lead With Kindness

I believe in equality, and will never give in to the idea that women are lesser vessels. God made them as sure as he made me. So the idea of a leader in a relationship strikes me as odd. Until recently, I didn’t want to be part of an old-school woman-follows-the-man relationship. (Still don’t.) I want a woman with hopes and dreams, personality, and grit. I don’t want a weak woman who needs a man to define her.

Ms. C is not a weak woman, though she can play the part. At her best, she speaks her mind without thinking about it, and it’s good.

I can admit now, I did not lead Ms. C. I did not challenge her in the way one good partner challenges another. Why? Because I was too scared she’d leave if I pushed her to get help. I assumed she’d figure herself out, which was a mistake.

Since I can’t go back, I’ll say it this way: The next time I say something sweet and kind to a woman I love and she gets triggered, I will not simply wait for her to “work through it.” Ms. C, for all her strengths, was stuck on a few issues that had nothing to do with me. She needed a friend to push her to seek help. In the future, I’ll demand action.

I was nice to Ms. C, not kind. I was afraid, not brave. My next girlfriend will never know that version of me. And, the woman I marry will love my honest and kind demands to defeat our fears. (I’m not talking about being an asshole. I’m talking about being a true friend. True friends challenge poor behaviors and beliefs with kindness and compassion. My aim is to be a true friend.)

Good Relationship Tips

The last few lessons I decided to put into a shortlist.

I will do a better job with boundaries in the future. I did a reasonably good job of this but definitely failed in some areas. Again, nice does not pay.
Relaxed is better than hype. Very few things are the end of the world.
Perfection is the approach of the fearful trying to save themselves from pain. It’s unwise to expect perfection or try to live up to a standard stated by another. In the future, I won’t even bother.
Jesus really is my everything. He’s my best friend and constant strength. He knew my heart was broken, and that I’d rise from the ashes.

Zero Regret

I could on and on about what I loved, hated, and learned from my relationship this year, but I’ll stop here. In the end, I couldn’t be more grateful for the chance to date someone so great. I pray only good things for her, and I hope she’s doing well.

More than that, I hope I had a positive impact on her life as Ms. C had on mine. I’m a better man than I was a year ago, and she’s a big part of that. A true blessing.

Tomorrow, I’ll tell you why I’ve got the best family and friends in the whole universe.

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Nik Curfman 12/30/20 Nik Curfman 12/30/20

Journal: #161 Favorite Moments of 2020: The (x) Girlfriend Pt. 1

She’s still the amazing person I thought she was last year. It’s been seven months since we broke up, and still miss my friend. So instead of bemoaning my fate like a child, I choose to be thankful for her and our time together.

This post is ninth (part 1) of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike a lot of people, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read the intro by clicking this link, and this is moment #10: Oregon.

About that old GirlFriend

When I made my list of top moments in 2020, I didn’t know where to place this one. If you scroll back through my writing I talk about her and our breakup a good bit. I learned a lot about myself from the experience, and I regret nothing. I’m thankful for the opportunity to date and love someone truly amazing…and flawed.

Part 1 of 2: Proud Moments

I decided to break moment up into two posts, because I want to cover a lot of topics in detail. This post will focus on what I’m proud of in regards to how I acted, and tomorrow I will review what I learned.

Ms C is type of rare combination of traits, characteristics, and personality I’m looking for in a woman. She’s affectionate, honest, and kind. At her best, she speaks her mind and adds life to every rooms she’s in. I liked the way she could cut through the human bullshit to see dynamics I couldn’t. She’s quirky too, aka not a basic white girl.

Of course, being human, she has weaknesses and flaws. I will not list them here.

1. Realistic Expectations

The first thing I’m proud of is I never put Ms C on a pedestal. I accepted her for who and what she is. When we broke up, I wasn’t shocked or surprised. Did I cry for days and weeks…months? Yes. Everyday. I liked and wanted her. But, even before we started dating, I saw a breakup as a possibility.

2. Risked Everything Just to Date Her

Secondly, I’m glad I risked asking her out. At the time she was my employee and will forever remain ten years younger than me. There were tons of reasons not to date her, but I liked her. I was myself around her, and we enjoyed being together. I took a risk then, and I’d do it all over again.

This next moment of pride might seem a bit odd, so just go with it.

3. NO Planning Ahead

I didn’t get ahead of myself with Ms C. Even though I was in love with her, I knew we both had to face our issues if we were to be together. It’s crazy to me to reflect on it. I wanted her, but I had an awareness it wouldn’t be that simple.

Yes, we made plans for a family reunion and the holidays. And yes, I wanted to marry her. But…as stated above, I needed to see us make it through the hard stuff. I knew what I wanted, but I needed her to want it too. I needed her to be willing to do what it takes when you choose the other person.

Because I knew we had to clear some hurdles, I never thought about looking at rings or talking to her parents. And yes, I’m proud of that.

4. I Gave Her Everything I Had

Cliche as it sounds, I did my best. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Many. That’s why I will write another post tomorrow on what I learned. But, I gave her everything I had. Whatever mistakes I made were honest. From the beginning to the tearful end, I’m proud I didn’t hold back or “protect my heart.” (In the near future I will write an in-depth post on why that’s a load of bullshit- protect[ing] your heart.)

5. I Leaned into Jesus

The one constant during my time with Ms C was the Lord. And, I knew I had to hold onto to Him no matter what if I was going to make it. Everyday, regardless of what was happening in our relationship, I laid it at His feet. Over and over again I prayed the same prayer: Lord, thank you for this day. I trust you. Thank you for Ms C, and Your will be done in our relationship today.

6. I Never Gave Into Shame or the Pain

I’ll close with this: I did my best to breakup well with Ms C. By the end of our relationship, she was riddled with anxiety and fear. I was no longer a source of comfort, peace, or joy. When the time came, I had to let her go. She needed space to walk with Jesus, and let the Holy Spirit work in her heart. So did I.

I proud of myself for I loved her to the very end. I refused to give in, and relented only when it was the right choice. When we said our goodbyes, I let it be. No arguments. No outbursts. No shame.

I have no regrets. Part 2 tomorrow.

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Nik Curfman 12/29/20 Nik Curfman 12/29/20

Journal: #160 Favorite Moments of 2020: Oregon

Oregon was more than I expected. The rolling hills reminded me of western Pennsylvania, but nothing about Mount Hood is like anything on the east coast. It’s powerful and inviting, commanding both respect and awe. And the forests surrounding the Mt Hood? A-mazing. The beautiful rivers, glorious trees, and towering mountains are the definition of picturesque.

This post is tenth of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike a lot of people, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read the intro by clicking this link.

Suddenly My Life Changed

When 2020 began, I thought I knew where my life was headed. I owned part of business I believed in, and began to date the best woman I’ve ever know. Life was good. I was happy. On the last day of May and the first day in June, everything changed. In 24 hours, whatever I thought was going to happen in 2020 was dead.

May 31st my girlfriend came over and broke up with me, and I knew I had to let her go. Literally, less than 24 hours later, my business partner said he thought it would be best if we parted ways. Again, I decided not to fight it. In both situations, I choose to trust and put my faith the Lord, even though I felt crushed.

Refusing To Be Shamed

I can’t help but feel like it was an epic moment in life. It’s the kind of scene at the beginning of a movie. The hero usually slides deep into a pit of depression and self-destruction. Oddly, I’ve been there and done that.

On this occasion, I refused to sink into muddy shame. Instead, I decided to bleed openly and submit to the goodness of the Holy Spirit. I choose to face my sorrow and pain without turning to drugs, porn, or binge eating. I was defeated, but I’m not going to give up, and I’ve just begun to live.

Grandiose as it sounds, I’ve often pictured this scene from Braveheart. It comes from the end of the Battle of Fallkirk. After a series of stunning victories, William Wallace is betrayed by Robert the Bruce. You can see the shock and disbelief on his face. That was me in late Spring. I was stunned and disappointed, and like William Wallace, I will not relent.

So Oregon…

Before our breakup, I planned to go to her family reunion with my former girlfriend. Obviously, that didn’t work out. I knew I needed to go do something to occupy myself that week in late July. I didn’t intend to go to Oregon by myself. I invited five or six guys, and all of the them eventually backed out, so I went alone.

Oregon is Gorgeous

At the beginning of my hike up to Ramona Falls I felt alone, again. Four years ago, I was in a similar place. (After a break up, I hiked to the top of Mount Lassen. Alone.) I’m tired of flying solo…but more than that, all I want is to share these beautiful moments with someone I love.

I truly believe life is better when it’s shared.

I Was Honest With God

Instead of burying all the pain and frustration in my heart, I sat down next to a creek and cried. I told the Lord how I alone felt and asked Him why she didn’t want me. Then I listened for whatever He had to say.

True to who the Lord is, He did not satisfy my immediate need for an answer. He told me He loved me and He was sorry the breakup happened. Then I turned my face to sky and let the sun shine on my face. I know I will find a wonderful woman, we will get married, have children, and I will never be alone again. That’s my destiny.

From that moment forward, I decided to engage in gratitude. Yes, I was totally alone, so why not enjoy it? One day soon, I will have to wait on someone else, consider what they want, and go at their pace. Today, I get to stop when I want to stop, pee behind the trees, and run down the mountain as fast as I want.

Worth It

I ended my hike exhausted yet invigorated. First of all, Ramona Falls is stunning. It’s totally worth the hike. Second, I learned to read more than one Google review. They lone review I read of Ramona Falls said the hike was a seven mile round trip. It was more like ten miles, which is considerably longer than seven miles. I would’ve packed more snacks, and started earlier in the day. Lastly, the Lord is good. All the time. He didn’t say what I wanted Him to say, or even answer my questions. He spoke to the need in my heart, and asked me to mature in my trust for Him.

That’s why my trip to Oregon comes in at #10 on Top Moments of 2020 list.

Deschutes River, Warm Springs, OR

Mount Hood

Salmon River, Welches, OR

Wildwood Recreation Site

Creek along Ramona Falls Creek Trail

Ramona Falls

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Nik Curfman 12/28/20 Nik Curfman 12/28/20

Journal: #159 Why I Love 2020

Now, I am able to find joy in each day no matter how difficult a day it was. That’s a good place to be. So, 2020 has been a year of favor, grace, and love. I want carry its with me the victories and wisdom into 2021 and beyond.

Only a few cold days left in 2020. I’m probably in a small group of people who aren’t ready for it to end. Despite COVID-19, civil unrest, the elections, a breakup, and a failed business partnership…2020 has been my favorite year as an adult. Crazy, eh? I just can’t hate any part of this year. It’s been a life changer, and I am forever grateful.

The single biggest positive change is my life is the total dedication to my relationship with Jesus. To the best of my ability, I’ve run after the Lord as He instructed in Matthew 6:33. Instead of trying to fix myself and all the parts of it, I’ve started by running after the Holy Spirit. This year we built a relationship based on trust, honesty, and faith. And the fruit is obvious. While I still experience sadness, anxiety, and frustration, those feelings don’t dominate my life or how I see myself.

Over the next ten days I will list my top ten favorite moments of 2020, and I already gave you a preview of #1.

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Nik Curfman 12/27/20 Nik Curfman 12/27/20

Journal: #158 When Pain Piles Up

Sometimes I feel empty, completely lacking wisdom or knowledge or talent. Despite this, I know now more than ever, I will still sing His praises. I can reach for Grace and find it. I’m not alone. These trials are but a moment, and they will pass.

A few months ago I started working a part-time gig for a non-profit organization with operations in Africa and southeast Asia. The job includes managing a sponsorship program. Under this umbrella program are a number of programs to support children, education, and families in some of the poorest countries on Earth. Everyday I’m reminded of the struggles people all over the planet face just to live.

Closer to home, I’ve felt slightly overwhelmed by bad news from friends. Two different friends had to rush a parent to ER with major heart problems, most of family in South Carolina is coming off fights with COVID-19, and then there are the people enduring cancer treatments on Christmas Eve.

It’s a lot. So many people are hurting. Old Nik would feel responsible for it all. How egotistical.

Oh, then there’s me. I wanted to be in Wisconsin for Christmas, but that didn’t work out. I’ve tried to ignore this particular disappointment. What can I do about it? I can’t make someone want to date me, and I believe in a better dating future for my life. But this still lingers. To be ever cliche…it is what it is.

Making Room For Jesus

I let myself feel the sorrow for a bit today while on a quick walk around the block. With tears on my cheeks I told the Lord I was sad, and “I trust you.” Almost instantly, I started to laugh. Why? I don’t know. I don’t care. All I know is the Lord was with me. He knew I was disappointed and thinking about someone far away.

It is good life is lived second at a time. I can be feel pain and failure in one moment, and with an honest simple prayer feel the peace and presence of the Eternal. He holds my future, not me. I’m not called to fix all the pain in the world. I’m a light, a voice in the night, and I will say “Keep going. It’s worth it.”

Facing Fears

Yesterday, my dad and I discussed emotional triggers. We all have them. It can be an off-hand comment that suddenly spins us into rage or fear. Or, it can be a misinterpreted text. Relationships can change in an instant when one person is triggered by the other.

In the end, triggers are intense moments when fear grips our soul. It whispers its lies to our hearts. Then we are faced with a choice. Do we let fear dominate our choices and actions? Or, do we face the anxiety with prayer and faith? Triggers left undefeated lead to a life controlled by fear. The only real choice is to stand and fight, to push back against the darkness trying to claim us.

The Answers Are On Him

In the last 48 hours, I’ve felt my triggers “you weren’t good enough for her, they’re going to die, prayer doesn’t work, you will get fat again.” None of this bullshit is true, but that’s not the point. The goal of any lie is to control the outcome. Fear wants me to stop. Sorrow wants me quit believing in the goodness of the Lord. And anxiety wants me to stop letting faith rule my heart.

I will not relent.

Sing His Praise

My goal isn’t to fix people. For starters, I can’t. I can’t bring my former girl friend. I can’t pull cancer from bodies, or unblock arteries. My skills and talent will be used to proclaim the glory of our Father to those in the storm. When my best friend is depressed by his brother’s cancer, when my family faces an uncertain future, when I feel the desire to want someone who doesn’t me…I will stand and say,“The Lord is still good. He loves us without end. Our destiny is in Him beyond these trials and pain.”

Lord, thank you for my life. Thank for the family and friends I have. Thank you they see me as a pillar of strength. That’s Your doing. Thank you for the blessings and favor I have. More Lord. Keep it coming. You are good. You are worthy of my love and affection. And I am worthy of Yours.

Thank you Jesus.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 12/26/20 Nik Curfman 12/26/20

Journal: #157 Happy To Be With My Family

I’ll be thankful when the time comes, when I’m no longer able to have them all to myself, I had this time to spend with them.

Maybe I can’t eat my normal diet, go for long walks, or blast worship for hours, but I can be grateful in all things. So, I will.

It’s day three of my four day Christmas trip to South Carolina, and I’m enjoying it. I’ve had a blast my parents, and Christmas at my brother’s house was fun. No drama. No tension. Just love, old stories, and lots of laughs.

At my brother’s house I consumed more sugar in eight hours than I have all year. This morning I woke up with a sugar hangover. It’s like an alcohol hangover- achy head, tons of inflammation, and lethargy. To combat my high blood-sugar level, I drank water and coffee and ate a few healthy meals after. I feel much better now.

Regardless, I do not foresee a cookie or chocolate truffle anywhere in my near future.

Despite my dance with the glucose queen, this visit to my native land has been one of my most successful yet. In addition to the food, I haven’t gotten my walks in or found time to spend with the Lord. I know He’s there, ever patient. More importantly, I know I’m ok. A few days with a different routine will not take me down. I’m not doing anything wrong. Feels like a I’m a new man compared to my past.

I thank God for this new way of life. When I get back to California, I’ll get back to my routines. It’s ok if I enjoy this moment with my family. One way or another I don’t have many Christmases left with them as single man, so I will let gratitude fill my heart. And, I’ll be thankful when the time comes, when I’m no longer able to have them all to myself, I had time to spend with them.

Maybe I can’t eat my normal diet, go for long walks, or blast worship for hours, but I can be grateful in all things. So, I will.

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Nik Curfman 12/24/20 Nik Curfman 12/24/20

Journal: #156 Jesus The Teacher

I want to be this kind of crazy. I want to see what’s possible from rubble of life. I want to act on the impossible to see the goodness of the Lord showered on all people. From Luke 9 it’s clear. We’ve got to invite the Lord into all the places of our heart and lives.

The last month, I’ve read the Gospels in parallel. What that means is, for example, I read Matthew 9 on Monday, Mark 9 on Tuesday, and Luke 9 last night. Today I will read John chapter 9. I do this because I want to stay connected to what Jesus said and did on Earth, and to notice the differences between each version of His story.

The Gospels Are Good

I never fail to notice something new or interesting in my reading, even if I’ve read it before. Last week Luke 8 stood out. It’s the only Gospel that mentions the women who followed Jesus, and this is important. For starters, ancient writings- like those from highly regarded Greek philosophers like Aristotle and Plato- were not kind to women. Jesus was unique in regard and treatment of women in the ancient world*.

Jesus the Teacher

In reading Luke 9 last night, a sequence of events stood out. First, Jesus sent out His disciples to preach the Gospel and heal people. He gave them specific instructions in regard to faith and how to move on if people don’t like what they did. In verse 6, we are told they were successful. Next, we read the miracle story of Jesus feeding the 5,000.

Consider this, the disciples just finished a successful miracle healing tour. And now, they needed to feed a bunch of people. Their solution was to send the people into the nearby towns to eat and sleep. It’s not a bad solution, and very practical. But, Jesus ever the teacher, envisioned something else.

Jesus the Faithful

The disciples saw only what they had in hand, not what was possible. All their logic and wisdom told them five loaves of bread and two dead fish are not enough to feed 5,000 people. The math checks out. I would’ve replied as they did,”Hey Jesus, we don’t have it bro. Let’s send them away.”

I love how Jesus responded to their wisdom, “You feed them.” Classic Jesus. How many times does He say something ridiculous in response to a question? The answer is many. He’s crazy. For human eyes and human ears, and hearts focused on human means, Jesus is crazy.

He didn’t see five loaves and two fish. Jesus saw 5,000 people fed. Then He asked, “what do I have to get it done?” He created a place for the Father to provide, and it was more than enough.

I Want Crazy

Ridiculous faith requires a different kind of vision and action. It looks silly and talks silly, but lives like no one else. That’s what I want, and I aim to get.

Foot Notes:

*In fact, the way Jesus treated women and their role in the early church is remarkable considering how women are treated throughout history. Jesus never treated women as inferior or a “lesser vessel.”

It’s a topic I will discuss in greater detail next year, but consider this: the first person Jesus revealed Himself (a revelation) to after His resurrection was a woman. And then He told her to tell everyone else(preach and teach.) There’s nothing more you need to know about what role Jesus has for women in the church.

Lord, bless my heart and mind. Give me vision to see what’s possible from what I have. I do not lack, and I trust you to lead me into the impossible.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 12/24/20 Nik Curfman 12/24/20

Abstraction: 5 Loaves, 2 Fish

Perspective is powerful. When we focus on what we lack we will always lack. When we are thankful for what we have, the Lord will bless it beyond our comprehension.

There is always enough. I am always enough. You are always enough. He will always provide. Your focus determines your blessing.

The need was great,

A multitude of people in search of a King,

They found Him, like all hungry people do, in the Wilderness.

Away from comfort and order, He touched their hearts and healed their broken bodies.

The Gospel in action.

But, they needed more.

The folksy wisdom of His students spoke,

“Send them away to eat and sleep.”

Once again, they offered only lack.

The Teacher’s reply?

“You feed them.”

Once again, He challenged His pupils.

“We do not have enough. What shall we do?”

Unfazed, still teaching and demonstrating what faith is, the Master went to work.

He didn’t see five loaves of bread and a few dead fish.

He envisioned five-thousand people fed.

Where the disciples saw lack, Jesus saw provision.

And then, He created a space for the Father to love His children.

Perspective is powerful. When we focus on what we lack we will always lack. When we are thankful for what we have, the Lord will bless it beyond our comprehension.

There is always enough. I am always enough. You are always enough. He will always provide. Your focus determines your blessing.

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Nik Curfman 12/22/20 Nik Curfman 12/22/20

Journal: #155 Feeling It, But Not Feeling It

I can’t say enough about what stay in connection with the Holy Spirit via worship and gratitude is doing for me. I know life isn’t perfect, and there’s more to come. More pain, shame, and frustration. But…I now know how to fight back. I’m no longer a victim of life. Thank the sweet Baby Jesus for that.

I can no longer count the number of people I personally know who faced a serious battle with coronavirus, in the last two months alone. My roommate’s father underwent emergency triple bypass surgery on Sunday. Yesterday, my buddy Blake donated his stem cells to his brother suffer a rare form of blood cancer. And another friend, Tom, asked for prayer for his wife as she recently began chemotherapy in her fight with breast cancer. The shear volume of life and death scenarios is alarming, and stressful

But that’s not all folks, I also have multiple marketing projects to finish by January 1st. I also committed to attend ministry school next September to the tune of $5,000. Add to that the normal amount of sadness, I can feel a bit overwhelmed by life…and yet, not.

Not Quite Overwhelmed

If this were any other time in my life, in any previous year, I’d be deep in self-pity spiral. I’d feel simultaneously responsible for all the trails people are facing and unworthy of the task. And don’t forget, it’s the Christmas season, aka eat like shit season. So that means, I’d try to eat my way through everything, and most likely gain ten pounds in the process.

Not in 2020, and not ever again.

I definitely feel all weight of what’s going in lives of the people I love, but I don’t feel the burden to fix it. The best I can do is love and support them. I’m no fixer, no magic man, but I do have an open line to the Holy Spirit. He’s got the plan and the power to change lives, to heal, and give them what they need.

The Pain Is Real, But Fleeting

It feels like this grief is at arms length. I can see it, smell it, hear it, but it’s not touching me. Yes, of course, I still cry at least once a day. I’m always going to allow myself to process what I feel. (Unprocessed emotion leads to blocked emotion, and blocked emotion leads to repressed pain. Repressed pain is the gateway to all the bullshit I hate and do not want to take root in my life.) But, I am handling the moment by the grace of God.

One thought ever present in my mind is “this is just a moment in my life, not the story.” The projects will be completed. COVID will end…eventually. And, I will continue to believe in healing for those in need. I’m fully aware that by March my life will look different than it does today. All of this is a mere fraction of my life.

My Friend Gratitude

It’s not all bad or difficult. I get to fly back to South Carolina for Christmas with my parents. That’s awesome. I got a small but no less appreciated bonus from Cultre for the good work I’ve done this year. I continue to meet amazing people, and I get to work with great leaders. Which proves another point: life is what you look at.

The more gratitude I confess the easier these moments become. Meh. Easy is poor choice of words. Lighter perhaps? Less dreadful? Whatever it is, I still find passing joy in ordinary life. What a superior way to live life, in constant appreciation of the good that is happening rather than bitching about what isn’t happening.

Lord, you’re awesome. Thank you for teaching me the power of words, prayer, and looking for the glory in life. It’s all around. Thanks for that. No matter what, life is good.

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Nik Curfman 12/21/20 Nik Curfman 12/21/20

Journal: #154 A Judge No More

Most importantly, judgment is not love. Love hopes and forgives. Judgement can turn off the flow of love, and forces people to jump over mountains they didn’t know existed. Ultimately, judgement is a manifest form of fear- a need to separate what we consider a threat from non-threat. It is the tactic of the all evil.

Lately, I’ve tried to stop myself when I noticed I’m being a judgmental prick. It’s easy to do. I think of something or someone and declared that thing or person good or bad, or in need of improvement. And yes, I want to stop doing it.

Scripture Says Silly Stuff

Two scriptures keep bubbling up in my mind. The first is rarely recited from a pulpit but it’s of direct quote from Jesus in the Gospel of John:

“You judge according to the flesh; I am not judging anyone.”
John 8:15

This is consistent with John 3:17 which says Jesus didn’t come to condemn the world, but save it. Which I think means Jesus is not a judgmental dick, pronouncing us good or bad. He’s the author and finisher of out faith, with hope eternal. And that hope is for every single person alive no matter how wicked they act.

The other scripture is from Paul’s letter to the Corinthians. He’s a bit defiant, but we see a similar tone of the one set by Jesus:

“But to me it is an insignificant matter that I would be examined by you, or by any human court; in fact, I do not even examine myself.”
1 Corinthians 4:3

The word examine used by Paul here is the same word as judge used by Jesus (krino.) So if Jesus doesn’t judge, and Paul says he doesn’t judge….then what are we doing?

Yes, Sin is Sin

To be clear, I’m not talking about tolerating every stupid or harmful act. Destructive behavior is destructive behavior. Asking a smoker to smoke outside isn’t a judgment on their soul. What I’m getting at is my habitual nature to pronounce a person good or bad. Again, behavior is another issue.

But…Judgement is not Love

Perfect love casts out all fear.

Lord, teach me to speak love and grace into life over people and situations. I lay down my need and desire to judge people and things. It’s a waste of time and limits Your goodness in my life. Thank you for exposing this hole in my mind. Please fill it with your grace and peace.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 12/20/20 Nik Curfman 12/20/20

Journal: #153 Jesus Loves Our Vets

He’s a damn hero, and not just because he “fought for his country” but because he’s still fighting his guys. He’s fighting for their spirits.

I had an intriguing evening this evening. At the outset, I thought I was going to eat ribs at coworkers house. Instead, I met a man named Daniel. He’s an Army vet who pulled multiple tours in Iraq. His war wounds are clearly visible on each arm, and his goal in life is to speak into the Veteran community all over the US, to see them set free of depression and trauma caused by war.

He’s a damn hero, and not just because he “fought for his country” but because he’s still fighting his guys. He’s fighting for their spirits.

My Broken Cousin

I have a cousin who is haunted by what he did “for his country” in Iraq. He served pulled multiple tours in Iraq, including one after Stop Loss policy forced him into it. Tim has been right since. He suffers from PTSD, and very few things seem to make a difference in his approach to or outlook on life.

I haven’t heard from Timmy in six years. The last time I texted him was soon after his older brother(also my cousin) passed away unexpectedly. He told me it was the toughest day of his life, which is saying something for a decorated war vet. I’m certain it was another gut punch to his already frayed reality.

What Can Any of Us Do?

I know Tim suffers. He’s angry and scared. And, he’s full of pain. Like most American’s I want to help him, but how? I feel stranded on one side of a divide I cannot cross. It’s one reason I don’t ever want to go to war. It’s hell on the living and the dead. Men who espouse it are dumb f*cks. (How’s that for eloquence?)

When I met Daniel last night, I didn’t have high expectations. His long beard and Vans skate shoes were solid indicators he’s from the eastern mountains of California. I like to call them California mountain hippies. They are the opposite of weed/surf hippies you might imagine in San Francisco or LA. These people go to church and love guns.

The Lord Has a Plan

After dinner we talked about what he felt was his next adventure. Up to that point, nothing about the man was terribly interesting to me. Nice guy. Gun nut. Former pastor. Then he began to share his heart to see his fellow GIs set free from all the issues vets face.

For the next two hours I listened to him talk his experience going into, being in, and leaving the Army. He told me the usual story of his faux recruitment*. Follow that up with training unrelated to the mission given to his unit. (Daniel’s unit was trained to fight in the mountains of Afghanistan during the winter…he ended up in sunny Iraq in the dead of summer.) Then of course there is his experience engaging the enemy in and around Bagdad^.

What makes Daniel’s story different from any I’ve know is what he did when he got out. He didn’t run to booze, pills, or weed. He ran to the Lord, and decided he was not going to allow war to rob him of life after the service. Now, he wants to preach the Gospel of healing to his brothers in arms. As he spoke, I felt hope lift in the my heart for men like my cousin Tim.

The Lord Wants Them Whole

Our great country has a long history of shitting on its military veterans. Dating all the way back to the Revolution, we demanded a lot of these men (and women), and mostly forget what they’ve sacrificed. Ironically, while I believe we must follow through on supporting the vets as much as possible, I truly believe it’s the Lord who holds their healing in his hands.

Daniel has a voice and the experience to connect with veterans in a way I never will. What he has is authority and training to be effective. What he lacks is a platform and marketing know how. That’s where I come in.

I know video production, best practices, and how to use data analytics to improve content. And, I’ll do what I can to ensure his message is heard. This is my opportunity to contribute to this fight, for the hearts and minds of brave ones.

Thank you Lord for random meetings and men like Daniel. I know he’s not the only one who’ve called to reach our broken vets, but I’m thankful I got to meet him.

(*United States military recruiters are liars. Period. I have no moral or personal issue stating it. Every single enlisted man I have ever known was lied to by his recruiter. Every. Single. One. It’s not a mistake or isolated problem. It’s a the way it is.

^I intentionally left out many details of Daniel’s story because it’s his story.)

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Nik Curfman 12/19/20 Nik Curfman 12/19/20

Journal: #152 Death of a Demon

The in-working of the Holy Spirit is not my responsibility. It’s His. My great duty and joy is to show up, confess my truths, and let the Holy Spirit be God in my life.

This month is going to be my busiest yet in the marketing world. I have a huge physical mailer due by December 31st, a new website to launch for an online church, and two e-courses to curate for a minister out of Philly. Yeah. It’s a lot. I’m also trying to eat well, maintain my walk with the Lord, get my steps, and write.

If this were any previous year of my life, I’d be wallowing in stress and anxiety. But, this is not any other year. It’s 2020, the year Nik grew up.

Instead of being afraid to fail, I’m enjoying the pressure and the challenge. I have an opportunity to work with some amazing people and do some really cool stuff. This is what maturity looks like. I blame the Lord.

A Demon Named Perfect

For most of my life, I’ve been a perfectionist. Mind you, I am not an accomplished perfectionist like we tend to believe a perfectionist to be. When I think of a perfectionist I picture an old Japanese sushi chef striving to assemble to perfect piece of fish and rice.

I think most of us have a similar idea in our minds. A perfectionist is dogged, tireless worker. They are never satisfied, but manage to achieve greatness. We a taught to believe their mania is a source of greatness and occasional sorrow.

The reality is many of us suffer some form of perfectionism, and it ain’t the Lord.

We Start Young

As a child, the idea of perfect behavior and action was constantly reinforced. Everywhere I looked, mistakes were not tolerated. Kids couldn’t be kids in church. Coaches demanded military like precision. And, my father was fond of asking “would you drink a gallon of milk if it had a drop of pee in it?” (This is no slam on him. It was the only culture he knew, from his parents to the Navy. The only message he heard was “don’t f*ck up.”)

The irony is we all knew perfection was unattainable. How much sense does it then make to demand perfection? It’s demotivating to set a standard no one will ever achieve. It’s ludicrous.

Self Sabotage IS the Norm

My form of perfectionism doesn’t look like the classic picture of a perfectionist. I assume most of us do not fit that description. Perfectionism in my life has looked like fear of failure, fear of trying, and assuming I know the outcome of every relationship or moment in my life. It looks like freaking out ahead of deadlines and my customers thinking I’m a fraud. Perfection also lied to me. It told me I couldn’t make mistakes or have faith.

God Does Not Require Perfection

One scripture that always got to me was when Jesus said “be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect.” Thanks Jesus, what a burden to place on our backs. Again, I don’t believe I’m the only one to find condemnation in these words, especially when you go a church that says “you will never be perfect, but never stop trying.”

Funny thing about scripture, that word “perfect”…in Matthew 5…has a better translation. The original Greek is better read as “complete.” In the context of Matthew 5, Jesus is asking us to be complete in our love of God, self, neighbors, and our enemies. As Your Father in heaven is complete in His love of all people, so you should aim to be complete in who you love for all people.

The classical definition of perfect is “without flaw” or “blameless.” This idea is often propped up in the circles I inhibit. Leader and speakers talk about holy purity as though it’s the highest form of Christianity. Ephesians 5 is often used to buttress these discussions, “without spot or wrinkle, blameless.”

It IS His Good Work

Again, this is a terrible misuse and interpretation of scripture. First, in context, Paul is imploring the married men of Ephesus to love their wives as Jesus loves His church. Second, it’s clear that the work of purification is done by the Lord, not something we must work out in dark corners on our own. In fact, in Hebrews 12 we see exactly that.

“[l]ooking unto Jesus, the author and finisher(often perfector is used here) of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

- Hebrews 12:2

And this all goes back to the promises Jesus lays out in Matthew 6,”seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you.” The in-working of the Holy Spirit is not my responsibility. It’s His. My great duty and joy is to show up, confess my truths, and let the Holy Spirit be God in my life.

(This post went a way I didn’t expect, but I’m going with it.)

Sitting With Him Is Worth It

Rather than engage fear and perfectionism, I am engaging the Lord. I am allowing the Holy Spirit to work in my heart and mind. I using faith and gratitude to combat cynicism and control. And, the Lord is moving.

Today, quite unexpectedly, I received a small bonus from my marketing company. I was so happy to get it. The money was a reward for working hard, and I’m thankful have it. That gratitude in my heart represents a huge change in my life from when I felt entitled to such gifts.

Life feels and is greater when I’m focused on what’s good and possible instead of what sucks and could suck.

I’m not sure how to end this post, but I want to stop here. If I ever say one thing to another human, let it be this: show up before the Lord everyday and let Him be God in your life. His love will change you.

Thank you Jesus for loving me. Thank you for moving in my life in ways I can’t really explain. You’re like a season. From day to day, the changes go unnoticed. But after a while they become glaring and obvious.