Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 4/9/21 Nik Curfman 4/9/21

Journal: #252 Celebrate Victories

I’m glad to be where I am today. The last ten months tested my faith and determination, and I expect more the same in the future. For today, I will celebrate this victory. I felt knocked off my mountain, but I put my trust in the Lord to lead my back to the summit. As Jesus said, the Lord did. That’s the greatness of a true and living God.

Yesterday was the first “good” day since…January? I’m not sure. And by good I mean to say a day where I felt good about me and my life. I still battled some anxiety and sadness, but only in small bouts. This morning I woke up in a bit of a funk, but quickly snapped out of it during my morning walk at Lima Ranch. I like the direction I’m headed in life, and look forward to the summer months to come. My heart feels relieved and eager to move into this next season.

As I reflect on the last five months, I feel as though I cleared a significant test of my heart and mind. On the heels of last summer’s heart ache, I was highly motivated to shed my chains of fear and self-doubt. The Lord opened up my world, and I found a certain ease in the uncertainty. As summer churned into autumn, my motivation began to slip, as the path ahead of me began to form. In my heart, I knew this decline in optimism would happen. Most new ventures are curbed by reality. Still, I pushed through. Winter held the cruelest gifts, and my only goal was to continue to show up- to seek Jesus everyday.

So now, as Spring blossoms, I reap the fruit of my labor. I have beheld the goodness of God in every season, and it is my joy to confirm Matthew 6:33 is more than bullshit words from a dead philosopher. The promises of Jesus- the Messiah- are truth. I have fought through shame, sorrow, depression, anxiety, apathy, anger, arrogance, pride, distraction, and lies to seek first the Kingdom. If I could tell the world anything, I would parrot what the Lord told Peter, James, and John in Matthew 17:

4 Peter broke in, “Master, this is a great moment! What would you think if I built three memorials here on the mountain—one for you, one for Moses, one for Elijah?”
5 While he was going on like this, babbling, a light-radiant cloud enveloped them, and sounding from deep in the cloud a voice: “This is my Son [Jesus God], marked by my love, focus of my delight. Listen to him [His promises are real].”
(The Message)

Show up. It’s worth it.

Nik Curfman 1/18/21 Nik Curfman 1/18/21

Journal: #179 Favorite Moment of 2020: New Heights With Jesus

Early in the morning, through the joys of a new relationship, through the pain of a breakup, in the middle of quarantine, when my body aches and my emotions frown, late at night, without excuses, in the car, on planes, during trips, and regardless of motivation…I sought Him.

He did not disappoint.

This post is first and favorite Moment of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, #6 Walking Away From BBQ here, #5 Growing in Gratitude here, #4 Discovering Myself here, #3 Learning to Love Myself here, and #2 Grace and Patience here.

I grew up in church, but I consider my walk with Jesus to be 22 years old. 2020 was without question the most special and rewarding year in my pursuit of His Kingdom. I can’t say enough about it, but I’ll try.

The greatest of what I encountered last year was not in one glorious moment or series of moments. It came in the daily practice of letting God be God in my life. I experienced more freedom, joy, grace, and love than ever, and it’s all because I let Him into the dark corners and dusyt backrooms of my heart.

I’m not going to belabor this point or waste words.

Jesus promised all the needs of our lives would be met if we “seek first the Kingdom.” Very simply, that is my testimony. Everyday of 2020, I sought Him.

He did not disappoint.

I will add a few important tips for anyone who wants to experience the fullness of the Lord:

Every day means every single every day. Show up before the Lord no matter how you feel or what the voice in your head says.
Be honest. Tell the Lord what you feel, exactly how you feel it. If the thoughts in your head are sad or depressing, start there.
Listen. The Lord loves us. His voice is kind and patient. There is no condemnation.
Find something to be grateful for in each day. It does not matter how mundane it is, start with the weather or the roof over your head. But when you look for God’s goodness in your life, it will become obvious everywhere.

That’s it. I’m tired and have a good blog to write for tomorrow. For now, I’m going to end my list here. 2020 was a wonderfully awesome, sad, and amazing year. I wouldn’t trade it for all the rice in China.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 12/19/20 Nik Curfman 12/19/20

Journal: #152 Death of a Demon

The in-working of the Holy Spirit is not my responsibility. It’s His. My great duty and joy is to show up, confess my truths, and let the Holy Spirit be God in my life.

This month is going to be my busiest yet in the marketing world. I have a huge physical mailer due by December 31st, a new website to launch for an online church, and two e-courses to curate for a minister out of Philly. Yeah. It’s a lot. I’m also trying to eat well, maintain my walk with the Lord, get my steps, and write.

If this were any previous year of my life, I’d be wallowing in stress and anxiety. But, this is not any other year. It’s 2020, the year Nik grew up.

Instead of being afraid to fail, I’m enjoying the pressure and the challenge. I have an opportunity to work with some amazing people and do some really cool stuff. This is what maturity looks like. I blame the Lord.

A Demon Named Perfect

For most of my life, I’ve been a perfectionist. Mind you, I am not an accomplished perfectionist like we tend to believe a perfectionist to be. When I think of a perfectionist I picture an old Japanese sushi chef striving to assemble to perfect piece of fish and rice.

I think most of us have a similar idea in our minds. A perfectionist is dogged, tireless worker. They are never satisfied, but manage to achieve greatness. We a taught to believe their mania is a source of greatness and occasional sorrow.

The reality is many of us suffer some form of perfectionism, and it ain’t the Lord.

We Start Young

As a child, the idea of perfect behavior and action was constantly reinforced. Everywhere I looked, mistakes were not tolerated. Kids couldn’t be kids in church. Coaches demanded military like precision. And, my father was fond of asking “would you drink a gallon of milk if it had a drop of pee in it?” (This is no slam on him. It was the only culture he knew, from his parents to the Navy. The only message he heard was “don’t f*ck up.”)

The irony is we all knew perfection was unattainable. How much sense does it then make to demand perfection? It’s demotivating to set a standard no one will ever achieve. It’s ludicrous.

Self Sabotage IS the Norm

My form of perfectionism doesn’t look like the classic picture of a perfectionist. I assume most of us do not fit that description. Perfectionism in my life has looked like fear of failure, fear of trying, and assuming I know the outcome of every relationship or moment in my life. It looks like freaking out ahead of deadlines and my customers thinking I’m a fraud. Perfection also lied to me. It told me I couldn’t make mistakes or have faith.

God Does Not Require Perfection

One scripture that always got to me was when Jesus said “be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect.” Thanks Jesus, what a burden to place on our backs. Again, I don’t believe I’m the only one to find condemnation in these words, especially when you go a church that says “you will never be perfect, but never stop trying.”

Funny thing about scripture, that word “perfect”…in Matthew 5…has a better translation. The original Greek is better read as “complete.” In the context of Matthew 5, Jesus is asking us to be complete in our love of God, self, neighbors, and our enemies. As Your Father in heaven is complete in His love of all people, so you should aim to be complete in who you love for all people.

The classical definition of perfect is “without flaw” or “blameless.” This idea is often propped up in the circles I inhibit. Leader and speakers talk about holy purity as though it’s the highest form of Christianity. Ephesians 5 is often used to buttress these discussions, “without spot or wrinkle, blameless.”

It IS His Good Work

Again, this is a terrible misuse and interpretation of scripture. First, in context, Paul is imploring the married men of Ephesus to love their wives as Jesus loves His church. Second, it’s clear that the work of purification is done by the Lord, not something we must work out in dark corners on our own. In fact, in Hebrews 12 we see exactly that.

“[l]ooking unto Jesus, the author and finisher(often perfector is used here) of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

- Hebrews 12:2

And this all goes back to the promises Jesus lays out in Matthew 6,”seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you.” The in-working of the Holy Spirit is not my responsibility. It’s His. My great duty and joy is to show up, confess my truths, and let the Holy Spirit be God in my life.

(This post went a way I didn’t expect, but I’m going with it.)

Sitting With Him Is Worth It

Rather than engage fear and perfectionism, I am engaging the Lord. I am allowing the Holy Spirit to work in my heart and mind. I using faith and gratitude to combat cynicism and control. And, the Lord is moving.

Today, quite unexpectedly, I received a small bonus from my marketing company. I was so happy to get it. The money was a reward for working hard, and I’m thankful have it. That gratitude in my heart represents a huge change in my life from when I felt entitled to such gifts.

Life feels and is greater when I’m focused on what’s good and possible instead of what sucks and could suck.

I’m not sure how to end this post, but I want to stop here. If I ever say one thing to another human, let it be this: show up before the Lord everyday and let Him be God in your life. His love will change you.

Thank you Jesus for loving me. Thank you for moving in my life in ways I can’t really explain. You’re like a season. From day to day, the changes go unnoticed. But after a while they become glaring and obvious.