Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 3/22/21 Nik Curfman 3/22/21

Abstract: Life Goals

My life’s goal is to sacrifice all that is necessary,

so when I die,

they say I lived.

Barking dogs and crowded sidewalks,

Cars in a furious rush,

Humanity and their pets smushed together.

No wonder anxiety is high and hope is low,

We spend half our time,

in battle with each other.

For what?

To live meaningless lives of comfort,

surrounded by fascinating objects,

designed to distract us from living,

from daring to be the last link of Creation.

Why do we compromise a life of dreams lived,

for safety and objects?

My life’s goal is to sacrifice all that is necessary,

so when I die,

they say I lived.

Nik Curfman 3/22/21 Nik Curfman 3/22/21

Journal: #235 Running Low

I supposed to write part 2 of Ordinary Miracles today. I was going to talk about how the ability to listen to the voice of God is a common miracle. It’s so ordinary we barely consider it at all. I have my rationale as to why we don’t appreciate the voice of God- mainly disappointment. But, I don’t have that to give tonight.

I’m worn out mentally and emotionally. I’ve lost my vision for my life, and before you think I’m in some downward spiral, take heart. I’m not. This too shall pass. My mind is on empty, and my heart is dry. I need a fresh cup of Jesus. That’s where I am today. I know it’s temporary, and I’m taking care of myself. My faith is in the Lord, not my ability to fix everything- including myself.

If anything, I’m fighting whatever this is the right way. I continue to pray and do the things I need to do. I’m loving myself through this lowness. Tomorrow is coming, and I will be happy to meet it.

Nik Curfman 3/21/21 Nik Curfman 3/21/21

Journal: #234 Ordinary Miracles Explained Pt 1

When to stop to reflect what the prophetic really is in our lives, how can we continue to run around “looking” for miracles. They literally happen everyday. It’s time to recognize this daily supernatural reality for the gift it is. Thank you Lord.

I am way too tired to get into this tonight, but tomorrow will be a real humdinger. What I will preview now is the idea- my reality- that the Lord speaks to us. I have believed and lived in the state for a long time. I’ve been in it so long I often fail to consider it for the miracle it is. I talk to God and He talks back. Every time. It’s bonkers to say aloud. Not many people, including fellow Christians believe this is possible. Yet we few- we happy few- dare to wade into the impossible. What a life we lead.

When to I stop to reflect what the prophetic really is in our lives, I ask how can we continue to run around “looking” for miracles. They literally happen everyday. It’s time to recognize this daily supernatural reality for the gift it is. Thank you Lord.

Nik Curfman 3/21/21 Nik Curfman 3/21/21

Abstract: Ordinary Miracles

How it I ever consider,

it anything less,

than miraculous?

What a life,

and hour lived,

when You speak to me.

How is it I ever consider,

it anything less,

than miraculous?

Nik Curfman 3/19/21 Nik Curfman 3/19/21

Abstract: Mount Lassen

If all I had was story of determination,

I would be proud of the triumph.

Fortunately, the destination was worth the strain,

Every step and ounce of energy well spent.

I climber to peak of Mount Lassen once,

on a warm summer day.

The sun was bright,

and reflected off the persistent snow pack still living in the shadows of the mountain.

I was not prepared for the hike,

wearing only shorts, green running shoes, and an old grey hoodie.

Thankfully, I packed a bottle of water and some cashews,

although it proved to be too little by the time I reached the top.

The trail began easily enough,

climbing ever so slightly as it cut across the base of the peak.

Then path turned up the shadowy eastern ridge,

rising ever more vertically than before.

As the first hour passed,

my excitement disappeared,

as the reality of my mission became clear,

this trek is going to test me.

The trail switched back forth,

never resting from it’s task,

from the rocky sunny side to the snowy shadows,

then back again.

I began to take frequent breaks,

to ease my burning legs,

and encourage myself to slog on,

but turning back became on option.

Into the second hour,

the option to abandon my mission,

became a loud temptation,

my determination stressed to it’s limit.

But, I pressed on.

Unprepared,

unaware,

inexperienced,

overweight,

and alone,

I fought myself to the very top of that sleeping volcano.

If all I had was story of determination,

I would be proud of the triumph.

Fortunately, the destination was worth the strain,

Every step and ounce of energy well spent.

Nik Curfman 3/19/21 Nik Curfman 3/19/21

Journal: #233 What Is New Life?

I heard a man I respect once say he treasured his words from Jesus, which was a completely new concept to me. He spoke as if the words the Lord gave him were seeds planted in his heart in need of water and sun. I have mostly viewed the prophetic as modern day fortune-telling- people trying to predict the future. (Very inaccurately.) This particular minister partners with the Lord to bring the words to pass. That’s what I want to do.

While I prayed late Tuesday evening, the Lord told me I, “have new life. Like you’ve never seen before.” It’s the type of statement most of us want to hear, but I’ve taught myself to reject. What does “new life” even mean? It’s a very Christian-ese thing to say along with “suddenlies” and “new levels.” I don’t know what those statements really mean either. I believe the intent of the person speaking them is to imbue the recipient with hope for the future. If the Lord does work in sudden movements and swift “promotions,” I have yet to see it. The Holy Spirit I know is patient and methodical.

Still, I don’t have much time for cynicism. I wrote no lies when I said “the Holy Spirit I know is patient and methodical,” but that doesn’t mean He limited to my experience. Perhaps sudden life changes and promotions are a thing. My life experience has taught me to work and grow. When I do follow that path, doors open. Showing up to my life, ready to be me is the only way forward. Again, it’s not the only way.

Let me get back to what the Lord said Tuesday night. I accept new life, whatever it may be. I accept it because the Lord told me it was coming. My problem is I have no idea what He’s talking about. New life how? When? In what area of life? Will I even notice? I hope I do.

I want to approach this moment with an open heart and mind. “New life” could mean anything. It could be related to something specific to one area of my life, or my life in general. It could be a relationship, although I think this is about me. It might be new life in my heart or mind. The Lord draw me a map with instructions on the back. Regardless, I win receive what the Father says and water it with prayer.

I heard a man I respect once say he treasured his words from Jesus, which was a completely new concept to me. He spoke as if the words the Lord gave him were seeds planted in his heart in need of water and sun. I have mostly viewed the prophetic as modern day fortune-telling- people trying to predict the future. (Very inaccurately.) This particular minister partners with the Lord to bring the words to pass. That’s what I want to do.

So…here I am. Ready for new life, and working the ground till it comes.

Nik Curfman 3/18/21 Nik Curfman 3/18/21

Journal: #232 He Loves Us

Today reminds of a day almost twenty years ago, when Steve Coffey died in a car accident on his way to a basketball game. He was 23. Later that night, his best friend wrote a song from an empty hotel room- which would go on to touch millions of people around the world. So as I sit on my bed, tears on my face, I don’t know how the Lord will win the glory from today. I just know he will. He loves us.

Jordan Edwards loved to work with his hands. He fixed small engines for money, and played just about any stringed instrument worth playing on the weekends. His push-broom mustache highlighted his plump cheeks and dark hazel eyes. He got a tattoo of a slice of pizza on his wrist because “I like pizza.” He was 34 years-old, quiet and soft spoken. And early this morning, he breathed his last breath. The result of a two year war with blood cancer.

Jordan was a son, a brother, and a good partner for Gina. What happened to him his so random, and unfair. The doctors tried every tactic at their disposal including a stem cell transplant from his older brother Blake. (Blake is one of my very best friends, and my heart is broken for him.) The entire trek was a slow slide down a hill. Now here we are, at rock bottom. Steep walls are on every side.

In moments such as this, words are empty. Life grinds to an unwanted stop, and very little seems as important as it did the day before. My mind can run wild. Jordan is the ninth man I’ve known to die between the ages of 20 and 40. Nine young men. Nine. None of them from war. How dare we take a moment for granted?! And, none of this makes any damn sense.

I don’t know what the appropriate response is. I know I’m tired of praying for miracles. Better said, I’m tired of not seeing them. It’s easier to give up and let go, to accept what seems inevitable. Yet, I know I won’t stop. I can’t. Life without Faith is harder than life with it. In this shitty slice of life I will not give up or stop believing in the love and greatness of God.

Nik Curfman 3/18/21 Nik Curfman 3/18/21

Abstract: Breath of Life

Eyes closed and head tucked to my chest,

I inhale the favor of God,

and exhale my strains,

Breath of Life

Eyes closed and head tucked to my chest,

I inhale the favor of God,

and exhale my strains,

It’s a process I repeat as often as required,

because I refuse to give in,

To fear and pain.

In with joy,

out with rejection.

In with Love,

exit depression.

Each breath an act of faith,

a victory over death and its reign.

Nik Curfman 3/17/21 Nik Curfman 3/17/21

Journal: #231 Useless Time-Suckers

The worldly answer is “fix thyself.” But, the Holy Spirit says, “follow me.” Hard times and disappointments will come and go. Now and forever I can decide not to let myself be dragged into hell when those moments arrive. What’s the point of getting bent out of shape? Of worrying? Of arguing with imaginary people or regret? All are useless time-suckers.

2021 is off to a rocky start, but the Lord has shown to be faithful when I feel overwhelmed or belittled. My normal tendency is to make my failures and disappointments about me- as though I possess unused super powers. What’s happening to my friends and family is beyond my control, so it doesn’t make any logical sense to carry an ounce of extra weight over it. I can’t cure cancer or stop people from sabotaging their lives. The more I burden myself believing I can fix everything, the quicker I begin to fall apart.

Last night the Lord said He was giving me new life. I’m not entirely sure what it will look like, but I will take it. It follows by 2pm today I did not feel a new beginning was at hand. I felt the rather familiar strains of anxiety and judgment. Why do I still find time to argue with people (in my mind)? How? It’s a sort of madness.

Fortunately, I knew what to do. In response, I stopped my day. I began to take deep breaths, to pray, and to write. Within minutes, the attack was over. No more bullshit. Victory won. I enjoyed the rest of the day in relative peace. Not every beginning is smooth; however, I’m not bothered by the bumps. I accept imperfection as part of life. In this way I am empowered to accept myself.

This may sound odd, but just as the trials other people face aren’t about me, I’m starting to wonder if my trials are about me. A thought is forming in my mind, one I didn’t expect. It goes something like this: Every time I find myself in a heap of crap, I tend to focus on the crap. Then I make matters worse by trying to clean up said crap. What if…what if the point of the crap is to draw my attention? (This is the central thesis of the famous Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis. The task of evil is to divert the attention of humanity from the Lord onto anything else. Doesn’t matter what it is, just not Jesus.) The answer, time and again, seems to be stop focusing on the trials, trust the Lord, and go to work.

I admit one of my biggest problems in life is I try to fix myself as I constantly compare myself to someone or something else. Of course, I rarely meet the high standards of the judge in my head, and thusly slide into wells of shame and disgust. The worldly answer is “fix thyself.” But, the Holy Spirit says, “follow me.” Hard times and disappointments will come and go. Now and forever I can decide not to let myself be dragged into hell when those moments arrive. What’s the point of getting bent out of shape? Of worrying? Of arguing with imaginary people or regret? All are useless time-suckers.

Jesus is the thing. This is His planet for us to enjoy. Everything else is a distraction.

Nik Curfman 3/17/21 Nik Curfman 3/17/21

Abstract: The Gospel on the Mountain Side

Remember my vow: The Spirit is with you,

where you go,

I am also.

To my family, my friends, and my enemies:

When you’re broken and ashamed,

groping in the shadows,

Even then, you are blessed.

Reach for the Father, and you will find Him.

On every occasion of grief,

when life brings you to snot and tears,

The goodness is coming.

To those who are kind and soft spoken,

and the world judges you as weak,

Your gift is this Earth.

It was made for you.

And to those who can’t breath without me,

I got you.

To the compassionate among you,

those led by your heart,

clinging to hope…

My gift is more.

More Love.

More Hope.

Finally, to you who desire peace above all else,

I call you children of my Father.

For you are as He is.

When the time comes,

(And it will),

When the storms march in,

the winds howl and all the world laughs at you because you trust Me…

Remember my vow: The Spirit is with you,

where you go,

I am also.

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Nik Curfman 3/16/21 Nik Curfman 3/16/21

Journal: #230 Dating In Faith

The Lord has moved me through pain and fear over the last ten years. I’ve dated some great women and a few disasters. At one point in my life I questioned marriage. Why would anyone do it? And now, at 40, I want a special friend, someone I can love. I look forward to meeting her.

Dating can be a minefield of frustration and pain. I envy those who made it through, on to the next great adventure. Regardless, I do not pity myself or ask for it. I know I am where I need to be in life. The sting of my break up last summer still lingers on occasion, but my faith in the Lord. I want His best for my life, whoever it is. I want to be her best too.

Yesterday, I thought about dating. I did this because I received a text from a very sweet young lady. She told me I she was thinking about and praying for my family. As I said, very kind. I kinda hate I’m not interested in her. It’s in times like this I’m grateful I’m not one of those people who date out of boredom or fear. I find it easier to walk away from an opportunity like this.

I think I’ve been on all side the dating world. I’ve been dumped, and dumped my share of ladies. I’ve held huge crushed that weren’t reciprocated. A few women thought I was the man for them when all I saw was a friend. I ghosted a women once and felt like crap after. Her name was Jill. She was smart and successful. I was weak and afraid of life. After a few dates I stopped talking to her. It was a douche move on my part.

I don’t believe dating is different than any other part of life. The more faith I have, the easier it is to say no. It’s also easier to let go. Last June, I let my girlfriend walk away from something good, because that’s what she wanted. It was tough and shitty. The moment required faith and whole lotta sisterly-love from my friend Jesse. (My guardian angel from Texas.)

As always, my faith is in the Lord to make it happen. Then, I expect Him to be our cover and foundation. I look forward to writing about it when the time comes. His will be done.

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Nik Curfman 3/16/21 Nik Curfman 3/16/21

Abstract: Dead Flowers

Through the dry hot summer sun,

into the long winter nights,

I brought flowers to the grave of what was.

Through the dry hot summer sun,

into the long winter nights,

I brought flowers to the grave of what was.

Stubbornly and with both hands,

I refused to give up hope.

I let my heart believe,

you would come back to me.

In faith I held on,

and now,

in faith,

I let go.

Resurrection is the work of the Lord,

not my dead flowers.