Journal: #231 Useless Time-Suckers
2021 is off to a rocky start, but the Lord has shown to be faithful when I feel overwhelmed or belittled. My normal tendency is to make my failures and disappointments about me- as though I possess unused super powers. What’s happening to my friends and family is beyond my control, so it doesn’t make any logical sense to carry an ounce of extra weight over it. I can’t cure cancer or stop people from sabotaging their lives. The more I burden myself believing I can fix everything, the quicker I begin to fall apart.
Last night the Lord said He was giving me new life. I’m not entirely sure what it will look like, but I will take it. It follows by 2pm today I did not feel a new beginning was at hand. I felt the rather familiar strains of anxiety and judgment. Why do I still find time to argue with people (in my mind)? How? It’s a sort of madness.
Fortunately, I knew what to do. In response, I stopped my day. I began to take deep breaths, to pray, and to write. Within minutes, the attack was over. No more bullshit. Victory won. I enjoyed the rest of the day in relative peace. Not every beginning is smooth; however, I’m not bothered by the bumps. I accept imperfection as part of life. In this way I am empowered to accept myself.
This may sound odd, but just as the trials other people face aren’t about me, I’m starting to wonder if my trials are about me. A thought is forming in my mind, one I didn’t expect. It goes something like this: Every time I find myself in a heap of crap, I tend to focus on the crap. Then I make matters worse by trying to clean up said crap. What if…what if the point of the crap is to draw my attention? (This is the central thesis of the famous Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis. The task of evil is to divert the attention of humanity from the Lord onto anything else. Doesn’t matter what it is, just not Jesus.) The answer, time and again, seems to be stop focusing on the trials, trust the Lord, and go to work.
I admit one of my biggest problems in life is I try to fix myself as I constantly compare myself to someone or something else. Of course, I rarely meet the high standards of the judge in my head, and thusly slide into wells of shame and disgust. The worldly answer is “fix thyself.” But, the Holy Spirit says, “follow me.” Hard times and disappointments will come and go. Now and forever I can decide not to let myself be dragged into hell when those moments arrive. What’s the point of getting bent out of shape? Of worrying? Of arguing with imaginary people or regret? All are useless time-suckers.
Jesus is the thing. This is His planet for us to enjoy. Everything else is a distraction.
