Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 3/15/21 Nik Curfman 3/15/21

Journal: #229 Un-Shouldering the Load

After the Lord showed me I was shouldering too much of the load, I spent the next thirty minutes unloading each burden into my journal. The season I’m walking through is tough, but I am prepared. My goal is to keep my eyes on Him- be that kid in the pool swimming to his Dad.

At one point today I wrote the following,”I feel rejected and useless.” That single sentence is the sum of me at my low points in life. It is the soil from which everything terrible in my life could grow. Fortunately, I wasn’t writing for myself alone. I was writing it to the Lord.

In the minutes that followed, the Lord gently led me away from my self-pity spiral into peace and rest. First, He showed me I wasn’t angry at anyone. I was mad at myself. As I type, people very close to me are fighting for their lives and lives of people they loves. It’s not one or two people, but close to a dozen.

Me being me, I want to fix it. I want the Lord to fix it. I want to bulldoze fear and inject hope into their veins. And, it’s not about me. None of it is. I get to love my friends and family, and sit in the shadows with them. But, it’s not my calling to load up my shoulders with problems I can’t solve.

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Nik Curfman 3/14/21 Nik Curfman 3/14/21

Journal: #228 Grace In Anxiety

Blake and his wife Hilary are facing their own set of major life struggles. The days ahead might grow darker still. Despite their problems, they made time for me. I needed the Lord in that moment, and human shoulder to hug. That’s the friend and the goodness of God.

It hit me on the drive back from Durham to Columbia today, between Salisbury and Charlotte. Without warning I felt anxiety and depression flood my mind. What am I doing? Will I ever make a difference? I knew this was an attack, so I began to pray. I began to sing. Then I texted Blake. I was weak, but not defeated.

I wasn’t sure if Blake would text back. In all honesty, I thought he’d be busy. Thankfully, I was wrong. He said he’d love to have me stop over. I could see the new house he bought with his wife. It felt like a life line. I knew I could be anxious and untethered in front him. I didn’t need to be polite or tone down my language.

The funny thing is I didn’t once think of stopping to see him prior to my trip to Durham. The idea never crossed my mind all weekend or when I left Durham. Only after I started to feel heavy and depressed did I think of visiting him. It was the Lord.

Tomorrow is coming. The sun will shine, and the myriad of birds drawn to the free bird seed in the yard will sing. I will rise. This moment will pass, and once I again I will trust the Jesus to lead my way.

Today, I’m thankful for old friends and their kindness.

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Nik Curfman 3/13/21 Nik Curfman 3/13/21

Journal: #227 How?

Therefore, I ask myself and the Holy Spirit, how do relate to and reach these people? Or do I even try?

I don’t know. More tomorrow.

I will write more about this tomorrow, but I spent the entire weekend with some lovely friends. It was awesome. Also, very boring. Their lives are a series of routines and planned events. Their’s no adventure. No creativity. They seem perfectly happy painting by numbers.

It makes me wonder…what am I doing? What am I aiming at?

I’m not shook or upset about it. But I do feel as though the world is stocked with people craving safety. I don’t. Never will. Therefore, I ask myself and the Holy Spirit, how do relate to and reach these people? Or do I even try?

I don’t know. More tomorrow.

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Nik Curfman 3/11/21 Nik Curfman 3/11/21

Journal: #226 Self Grace

I typed out a whole blog about routine and creativity. It was shit. Totally rubbish. I’m not even sure why I bothered to write it. The words were devoid of meaning. It’s like I was writing to satisfy some need to post a blog. Blah.

What a waste of my time.

So, instead of meaningless words, I’ll repent and say: I shall not do that again. If I’m tired and out of mental space. I’ll just skip the post for the evening.

I know why I wrote what I wrote. It’s my need to satisfy the goals in my head. If I miss an unplanned day, then I’m behind the ball, and if I’m behind then I’m not dedicated. And if I’m not dedicated than I’m a failure. So really, I spent 30 minutes writing nothing to prove I’m not a failure. AHHHHHHH.

How many time will I have to tell myself I am loved and worthy of love? His grace covers me and does not end? I am enough? I don’t have to prove anything to anyone?

Thanks you Lord for reminding me. Yes. I am enough. I can give myself grace to be tired. Amen.

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Nik Curfman 3/11/21 Nik Curfman 3/11/21

Abstract: What It Is

This sacred trust empowers us to press forward,

When all the signs say Wrong Way.

It’s the conviction to try again,

When failure is your only friend.

When I had blonde curls and skinny legs,

I did not understand the world.

I’d cry and wonder if I was ever enough,

To be something worth notice or celebration.

As I plunged into my years,

My understanding did not improve,

And doubt still swarmed my mind.

Then, on a hot California afternoon,

Ready to peer behind the curtain,

I beheld faith for what it is.

It isn’t blind.

It isn’t braindead.

And it certainly isn’t a magical ability to impose my will on the planet.

Faith is a trust,

which may look stupid,

Fool-hardy and uneducated.

This is the view of cynic and the proud.

The confidence of God isn’t afraid of how it appears,

Life in the Kingdom isn’t. beauty contest.

This sacred trust empowers us to press forward,

When all the signs say Wrong Way.

It’s the conviction to try again,

When failure is your only friend.

It’s letting go of what we think we want,

of standards and fear that motivate us,

of dreams and doubts that occupy our hearts,

of pain and shame meant to retard our lives.

It’s walking through dark doors and down narrow hallways,

Assured of the light on the end.

It’s moving and running toward Him.

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Nik Curfman 3/10/21 Nik Curfman 3/10/21

Journal: #225 I Will Be Me

This is a post I need to write, but dread. I feel like something inside me died this week, something I wanted to live. It’s a moment for faith to be what I say it is- trust in the Holy Spirit.

“Fall down seven times, stand up eight.”
- Japanese Proverb

This is a post I need to write, but dread. I feel like something inside me died this week, something I wanted to live. It’s a moment for faith to be what I say it is- trust in the Holy Spirit.

What’s the truth?

My truth, as I sit on my bed with a hurting neck and stuffy nose, is I am loved. The Father has my heart in His giant hands. And, I will continue to walk toward my destiny in the Kingdom. I desire nothing else.

What do I believe?

I believe I am blessed and rich in love and grace. I am surrounded by the great people and the presence of the Holy Spirit. I am talented, smart, and healthy. I know what I want to do with my life and the direction I’m headed. (A topic for later discussion.)

I believe the Lord is good, all the time. I believe honesty and compassion are the foundations of my life. God made me special, and I cannot walk away from who I am for any reason or person. I embrace and protect my heart and dreams because they are part me and part Him.

What will I do?

I will be grateful for all the grace and kindness pour out on my and my family. I will sing and cry and stay in a place of truth. I will allow myself to be imperfect and sad, but refuse to define my life by disappointment and pain. I will over come shame and self-pity by proclaim His promises over my life- as often as required.

I will be who I am and walk in my God-given calling and grace. I will fall down and spring right back up. I will be courageous and vulnerable, unashamed and generous. I will create and love without fear. I will trust the Lord everyday and in every way I know how.

I will not relent or turn away, come what may. I will be me.

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Nik Curfman 3/10/21 Nik Curfman 3/10/21

Abstract: Victory’s Home

I’ll forever remain right here,

ready to party,

on the other side of the door in your heart,

marked fear.

What happened?!

Why did you run when I was ready to dance?

You were so close to the dream in your chest,

but now you’re hurt,

and you believe you’ll never advance.

Don’t. You. Fret.

I’ll forever remain right here,

ready to party,

on the other side of the door in your heart,

marked fear.

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Nik Curfman 3/9/21 Nik Curfman 3/9/21

Journal: #224 Rough Day Today

Yeah, today was a rough day. I accept the fact I will experience many more over the course of my life. I’m happy I ran to Jesus. It’s a habit that will limit the despair and help me move through the darkness. This is what winning looks like.

It’s a bit ironic. Yesterday, I wrote about “My New Reality”, one rooted in faith in the Lord. My finals words were “I’m not letting go.” Just a few hours later I was able to test that sentiment. I don’t know what it was today, but it was a rough day today. I mostly felt mentally and emotionally overwhelmed.

Lot’s of people in my life are facing literal life and death situations. I’m staring down a few of my own challenges, as is normal in life. These facts are not new; however, I wasn’t quite able to toe the line early in my day. I broke down after lunch and my dad was there to hug me while I cried. It’s the first good cry in months, a solid effort on my part.

Eventually, I found my way to the Lord and wrote today’s poem- Faith in the Storms. I needed to admit I was scared and felt powerless. Storms, fires, and earthquakes are part of life. Death, pain, and sorrow are unavoidable. I can either cower in the corner or speak to the storm and walk on the water. Today, I chose to walk on the water.

I chose to trust the Holy Spirit. Nothing changed. I didn’t experience or hear about miracles (yet.) Feeling overwhelmed isn’t a sin. Feeling powerless and sad is human. I’m not going to kick myself when I’m down. As the day closes, I feel the peace beyond logic.

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Nik Curfman 3/9/21 Nik Curfman 3/9/21

Abstract: Faith In The Storm

Come what may,

Through the rage and the darkness,

I was born to walk on the water.

I feel the storms,

And my boat is beaten.

The wind frightens my senses,

And the rain drives me to panic and despair.

But...I am no powerless sailor,

Without a hope or conviction.

Come what may,

Through the rage and the darkness,

I was born to walk on the water.

Onward into the Son.

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Nik Curfman 3/8/21 Nik Curfman 3/8/21

Journal: #223 My Reality Now

I spent time today reflecting on the last year of my life. I’ve changed so much since the beginning of 2020. I wasn’t a bad person, but I lived a shadow life. I lived in the outer courts of Heaven too scared to lay my life down to the King. That’s not my reality now.

There Is No Hope

A younger, less mature version of me, saw faith as a mystic ability to control events and outcomes. If I had faith I could change the world. If I prayed hard enough and I was righteous enough, the Lord would do my biding. My faith depended on me, my righteousness, and holiness. If my prayers went unanswered, loved-ones went unhealed, or the country spiraled toward hell, it was because I lacked faith.

I Was Wrong

Basically, I (and every other Christian) were flawed. That’s bullshit, 100% complete bullshit. Faith isn’t a manipulative super power dependent upon my holiness. Faith is trusting the Lord to lead us, to lead me.

Yes. There is Hope

I will always be a person with desires and dreams. My brain and spirit live in the world of the possible, and it comes with a steep emotional price. Disappointment, rejection, and failure are the hallmarks of risk-takers like me. It’s part of the journey, and always will be. I can’t stop being me, so I accept some venture will fail. I accept some relationships will die. And, I accept some people will hate me. So be it.

Faith Is Real

When I partner in faith, none of the pain stings my heart or controls my thoughts. I simply tell the Lord how hurt I feel. Then, I regroup with four simple words,“Your will be done.” There is freedom in letting go, in saying “Lord, I trust you.” It’s not about me or how righteous I am.

Righteousness, after all, starts with believing God. That’s what it says in Genesis and is echoed in the words of Paul. “Right standing with God” is a matter of faith, not works. Works follow faith, not the other way around. The trap for people like me is looking to the final product as the judgement of our souls. Faith isn’t an outcome. It’s a trust.

Faith Expels Sin, Creates Room For More

Many of us try to be “righteous,” mainly because we think it’s about sin. (I could rail on how wrong the church is on sin. Sin is destructive and terrible. Yes. But, the roots of sin are what need to be addressed. See the Lord’s conversation with Cain as an example. In Genesis 4, the Lord speaks to Cain disposition as the root of sin.) The opposite of fear is faith. Fear causes sin, self-protection, and war. Faith lives in the world of plenty, creates space for one more person at the table, and believes in peace.

I thank God He led me down the road I walk today. No, I don’t get everything I want. My life wasn’t magically transformed by some kind of spiritual lottery. I let the Lord take my heart and my life. He’s working wonders greater than moved mountains. He turned a cynical, scared-shitless boy into a bold risk-taking man.

I’m never letting go. No matter what.

Thank you Jesus for being my God and friend. Thank you for walking with me in the depths of depression and suicide. I’ve peered over the peaks of the mountains and beheld what truly makes you special. It isn’t miracles and wonders- great as they are. It’s your desire and determination to love me, always hoping and wanting the best for me.

That’s an awesome God. Your will be done. Always. Amen.

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Nik Curfman 3/8/21 Nik Curfman 3/8/21

Abstract: Romans 5, If I Wrote It

Hope is the result of trial, the broken heart, and failures,

when we hold on to Him.

In these moments we find He remains.

That’s Love.

Oh yes,

Through faith we do not bypass the dark mountain or scorching pits,

We persevere.

Then onward we slog through the night, always one hand on His back,

Never pausing.

It is in this furnace we are forged,

Hardened and made ready.

We find ourselves unburdened by fear and anger,

rather hope as endless as eternity.

Hope is the result of trial, the broken heart, and failures,

when we hold on to Him.

In these moments we find He remains.

That’s Love.

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Nik Curfman 3/7/21 Nik Curfman 3/7/21

Journal: #222 I Miss My Trails

The sad part, in my opinion, is South Carolina is a beautiful state. No one seems to care. Trash, billboards, and signs clutter the landscape. Yesterday I went for a walk down by the Congaree River in West Columbia. I couldn’t look in any direction without seeing a light, a sidewalk, a sign- something man made. It’s as though the people have to impose their will on the land.

If you read this blog, you know I love my walks in the woods. I’ve always appreciated them and the numerous miles of trails Redding has to offer. Lately, I’ve missed them.

What I want to do is complain. I want to blog about how much I dislike the southern disposition. I want to use facts and figures to prove how I’m right. California has an acre of park for every twenty acres of land. South Carolina has one acre of park for every hundred of land. Did you know that?

The sad part, in my opinion, is South Carolina is a beautiful state. No one seems to care. Trash, billboards, and signs clutter the landscape. Yesterday I went for a walk by the Congaree River in West Columbia. I couldn’t look in any direction without seeing a light, a sidewalk, a sign- something man made. It’s as though the people have to impose their will on the land.

Complaining doesn’t do any good. It’s not going to change the how people in South Carolina view land or preservation of that land. I’m not going to tuck tail and run back to California just because I can’t go for walks in the woods on a regular basis. Although, it does grate on me.

I love having the opportunity to stay with my parents at this time. And, the environment matters. I don’t love Charlotte for similar reasons, and I do not look forward to a a trip to Durham next week. I need to find a way to rise above it. I need to be able to over the environments I’m in.

Any process begins with belief, so I will start with believing I can enjoy being in Columbia. It’s not a shit hole. I will ask the Lord to show me the hidden glory in the city, and I will seek it out. This yet another place to trust the Lord. He knows I love California, it’s untouched spaces.

I refuse to act powerless or forgotten. There is joy to be found in Columbia, South Carolina. And that’s that.