Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 3/5/21 Nik Curfman 3/5/21

Journal: #221 I Don’t Get Bored, Usually

This is an odd type of moment. I don’t usually “get bored.” That’s not my thing, or I thought it wasn’t my thing. My days have become carbon copies, but that’s not a bad thing. I get to see my parents everyday, enjoy the late winter sun, and focus on being.

It’s not always broken hearts and tough life choices that get me down. Sometimes, on days like this day, it’s shear boredom. I hate doing the same thing everyday. I hate blank sheets of paper, plain rice, and routines. And yet (and yet), I freely admit boredom is a state of mind. Clićhe as ever, life is what I make it. If I’m bored, then it’s my responsibility to change it.

It’s also a place to rest in the Lord. It’s Friday night. My parents are in bed. I’m typing a blog post instead of doing anything interesting. I’m restless and I want to do something. I feel like a need to do something, but that’s not true.

For some reason I still see Friday nights as a night to go out- almost like a statue symbol. I find myself in Columbia without friends, during COVID, and not a single sight to see or destination in mind. Tomorrow, I’ll do it all over again. God, I sound like an ingrate. I’m really not.

I’m glad I’m here.

Lord, thank you today. Thank you for loving me and my family. Thank your for having this moment to spend with them.

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Nik Curfman 3/5/21 Nik Curfman 3/5/21

Abstract: Merry-Go-Round

Slowly, then less slowly.

We made our turns.

People laughed,

I did not.

A merry-go-round is not the ride for me.

I bought my ticket,

Stood in line,

And, nervously waited.

I watched the horses jockey up and down,

To the rhythm to the organ music.

The lights flashed and people laughed,

As they rounded the circle.

Then, my turn arrived.

I claimed my horse on the far side from the gate.

My hands held the reins,

My feet in the stirrups.

Suddenly, the ride lurched forward.

Slowly, then less slowly.

We made our turns.

People laughed,

I did not.

A merry-go-round is not the ride for me.

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Nik Curfman 3/3/21 Nik Curfman 3/3/21

Journal: #220 Crazy Faith

I want crazy faith. I want the kind of crazy faith that believes in miracles and the stupidest God shit anyone has every heard. I don’t want to limit the Holy Spirit because I refuse to believe beyond my comfort zone. And, I don’t have to be poor or my sister to get there. That’s the truth I’m standing in today.

I think everyday is a battle as a Christian. The solution is to run away and deny it all. Or, we can stand and fight. Everyone has mountains to move. The worst Christian walk is one of weakness and fear- allowing the mountain to dictate our reality. That’s not our calling.

So yeah, I’ve walked in a bit of weakness and fear lately.

One issue I had to confront is the concept of faith, what it is and what it isn’t. I usually picture people with amazing faith as somewhat reckless. I picture Heidi Baker who trusted God in the slums of Mozambique. I envision my sister daring to go on missions trips without a penny to her name. My standard is doing amazing things without a clue or plan as to how it will get done. Just “trust God” and everything else will work itself out.

Right? Isn’t that what faith is?

The other day I took this to God, and He set me straight. For starters, I’m not Heidi Baker or my sister. Their walk with the Lord will always look different than mine. They are called to a different life. My life will require no less faith than them, but it will look different. Secondly, there’s nothing wrong with being wise with my money.

I can’t explain why, but I also picture people of great faith as broke. True faith requires giving everything away, all the time. The Lord told me this isn’t true either. To focus on money is the problem. As Heidi says,”There is always enough.” I’ll add “but there’s sinful about a savings account or wise investments.”

In fact, if I trust the Lord, then I can have investments and be generous. Isn’t that faith too?

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Nik Curfman 3/3/21 Nik Curfman 3/3/21

Journal: #219 Honest With God

Yesterday, I felt a huge relief when I finally told the Lord about some doubts in my heart. They were about Him. This life of faith isn’t a straight line or one of perpetual bliss. I know it. Heck, the Lord told be this year would be like a rollercoaster back in January.

Honesty with God is important. It’s important to me. I tend to do this thing where I hide my thoughts from God and pretend everything is ok. Or, try to make everything ok. It’s not intentional on my part. I am still developing my ability to be completely open and honest with the Lord.

He knows what’s going on me, so my honesty is more for me than Him. I can’t seem to move through a problem if I don’t confess it. In any case, I’m not going to get down on myself. Practice makes perfect. I’ll spend the rest of this week being honest, to keep my heart free.

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Nik Curfman 3/2/21 Nik Curfman 3/2/21

Journal: #218 Dr Seuss Hears A Who

We don’t have to be pissed off or militant about any of this. The hoards on FoxNews and CNN want to draw us into some bullshit game of “hate thy enemy/fear-fear-fear.” I refuse to take the bait. I want to recognize the damage a few illustrations can make without disparaging Dr Seuss. It’s a very human story.

Culture Wars Suck

My instinct with this website is to stay out of politics and cultural issues, although I have occasionally let my thoughts and feelings be known. Culture wars are a tar baby (in the strictest sense of the historical term.) One salient example is Harry Potter.

Millions of Christian teenagers rushed to Harry Potter because their conservative parents told them it was witchcraft. None of them knew Harry Potter was a Jesus figure. The final battle literally includes the killing of a giant snake and a resurrection. The whole series is littered with Biblical references.

(Parents and Christian figures did this while going to see Lord of the Rings in droves. Because somehow…Lord of the Rings wasn’t occult? Or witchcraft? Or the fact that Aragon used the Army of the Dead to win a battle? The only difference I can see is the Baby Boomer generation so set against Harry Potter grew up with Lord of the Rings. Of course it wasn’t evil…to them.)

Dr Seuss Cuts Some Books

Fast forward to today, March 2nd, 2021. Dr Seuss Enterprises, the privately held company who owns the rights to publish 48 titles, decided to cease publication of six Dr Seuss books. I admit it hurt my heart when I first read the headlines. I grew up reading Green Eggs and Ham, The Cat in the Hat, and others. I loved them. We all did.

Political Idiots

As is our new normal, the typical political blowhards took to their ramparts to denounce or laud the announcement. Right-wingers like Sean Hannity raged about “cancel culture”, and crazy CNN ran with “Dr. Seuss had a long history of publishing racist and anti-Semitic work.” This despite the fact Dr Seuss (Theodore Geisel) was named an honorary Jew by the major of Jerusalem in 1969.

A Step Back From Idiocy

What if some of what Mr Geisel wrote in the those Dr Seuss books years ago is- in fact- hurtful? This is a real moment to decide to let go of some literature, but it doesn’t have to be everything the man wrote. Please consider the following pictures from If I Ran The Zoo. The white people look normal and healthy. Some of them wealthy. The Chinese look odd, and the Africans charred. To be fair, the Russians look a bit marred.

Perfect White People

Nope

Good Lord, This Is Bad

Poor Russians

I still love Dr Seuss, but my heart sinks looking at those illustrations. For the love of God, the Africans look like monkeys. I wouldn’t want my future children to read it. I will want to teach them Africa is full of all kinds of people, with all kinds of skin, and none of them look like that. I will want to teach them China is full of a many different ethnic groups. And, only some Russians sport bush-like beards. I want my kids to know the truth. The above is not true.

Dr Seuss Is Good, Not Perfect

I’m not going to judge Mr Geisel all these years later. Everything we know about the man says he was compassionate and kind. He did the best with what he had, and he was flawed. (He wrote quite a few racist political cartoons in his youth.) The good thing about him is he evolved as a man. He stopped drawing racist cartoons and inspired kids to use our imaginations. Horton Hears a Who is one of the great children’s books of all time. The Lorax is an anti-consumer, pro-environment book, and The Grinch is timeless in its criticism of Christmas greed.

From what I can tell, the older Mr Geisel grew the less he used stereotypical figures in his illustrations. The Lorax and The Grinch barely use human figures at all. He wasn’t stereotyping Chinese people into his 70’s.

I’m thinking about the kids. What they put in their brains at such a young age matters, and I’m not just talking about white kids. I try to put myself in the shoes of little black children. If I looked at the picture above, I would not be inspired by it. As an adult Christian man, I’m not inspired when people shit on Jesus. Matter of fact, I hate it. It makes me feel defensive and small. (And as an adult it’s up to me to believe in me and my Savior, rather than approval of naysayers.)

Little Things Matter, No Matter How Small

Do I think one drawing in one book is going to make a huge difference? No. It’s cumulative the effect**. If I Ran A Zoo is still sitting on shelved all across America. (Currently on sale on Amazon for a cool $1500.) I’d rather fight for a place where black kids don’t have monkey like representations stacked next to “respectable white people.” The contrast is stark and depressing.

The last point I want to make is this: we don’t have to be pissed off militant about any of this. The hoards on FoxNews and CNN want to draw us into some bullshit game of “hate thy enemy/fear-fear-fear.” I refuse to take the bait. I want to recognize the damage a few illustrations can make without disparaging Dr Seuss. It’s a very human story.

(**I want to recognize the irony of my opening statement about Harry Potter. I’m defending one set of books while I approve the discontinued publication of others. In my life, the damage done by racism is vastly superior to the occult or witchcraft. The enemy dangles witchcraft in the face of conservative Christians while they do nothing about racism, statues to Confederate generals, and crooked cops. Witchcraft is real, but witches didn’t own millions of slaves, didn’t pass Jim Crow laws after the Civil War, imprison generations of men on bullshit charges, deny minorities jobs, mortgage loans, and educational opportunities. White people did. Christian white people.

I aim to change that. Not because I feel guilty, but because I love black people. I love them enough to have every opportunity I’ve been given, and I’ve been given a lot. I’m not a self-made man. I’m the result of loving parents(with means) and generous friends(again- with means and opportunities to spare.)

So yes. I believe racism exists and is a problem. And, yes. It’s a much bigger deal than witchcraft.)

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Nik Curfman 3/1/21 Nik Curfman 3/1/21

Abstract: I Know No Lies

And if I said God is in love with each and every person on this planet, all that ever were, are, and will be, best to tie me to a stake for my fabrications. Right?

If I said God is real, it could be a lie. Real is a human construct limited to time and space, scientifically testable senses, and our limited ability to understand anything.

If I said God is Love, it might be a damn lie. Love is a what? A feeling? A commitment? A duty? A hormone induced attraction? Or is it a tradition we call loyalty?

If I said God is the Creator, you’d call me a liar still. Creator of lies perhaps. Of political extremists, conspiracy theorist, and religious lunatics. Of useless traditions.

If I said God is our common and Holy Father, the one who binds the human family together, throw me in prison for my crime. How does such a Holy Father tolerate violence and injustice? No good father would permit such injury and strife.

And if I said God is in love with each and every person on this planet, all that ever were, are, and will be, best to tie me to a stake for my fabrications. Right?

How could God love the racist, communist, sex traffickers, televangelists, porn stars, drug dealers, Donald Trump, mass murders, queers, drag queens, rapist, shitty husbands, cheating wives, homosexuals, transvestite refugees, white people, brown people, liars, thieves, abusers, child punchers, capitalists, pimps, Nazis, atheist, devil-worshippers, Catholics, muslims, Canadians, and rodeo clowns?

Call me what you will. I know no lies.

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Nik Curfman 3/1/21 Nik Curfman 3/1/21

Journal: #217 Don’t Complicate Jesus

Today wasn’t my day. Oh well. Tomorrow will be. My task isn’t to try and fix all the problems I see. It’s not my calling to put the world on my back. And I can’t hasten the Lord’s promises any more than Abraham did. My journey is simple. Love the Lord. Seek Him. Everything else will line up.

I know for an absolute fact I wrote and posted a blog last night. It was about my trip to Charlotte and how I intend to handle a situation with an old friend. I know I wrote it. I know I added a picture. And today it’s gone, like it never existed. This tiny example typified my day.

Today was a day full of false starts. For the shear fact that I do not want to rehash all of the frustrating moments, I’ll skip to the end.

By the time I opened my laptop to begin writing this post, I felt that old familiar hopelessness I know I left to die in 2020. The question “What good is my life if the lives of people around me aren’t affected?” surfaced. It’s a terrible question born of self-pity and judgement. It’s a form of anxiety. Really.

The thing is, I know what’s true. I know how to beat this. It’s not complicated or difficult. It’s a simple as saying Lord, I feel like shit. I know that’s not true, but that’s where I am. Thank you for being here with me.

A few moments ago I read Romans 4. What a timely read. It’s about Abraham and his faith in the promises of God. Paul was a loquacious Roman Jew. I think he gets a bit wordy; however, his point is solid. Abraham was righteous because he believed God. That’s it. Even when he balls were old, and no one would consider having a child, he held on.

I gotta believe Abraham wavered from time to time. He received that promise years before it was fulfilled. Right? He did do the sex to Hagar. So? Yeah. He tried to make it happen. Sarah gets blamed for it, but it’s not like Abraham fought her, and he wasn’t drugged. Odds are he had to “lay” with Hagar multiple times to make Ishmael. I’m sure he hated doing it.

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Nik Curfman 2/27/21 Nik Curfman 2/27/21

Journal: #216 Hugs and Being Known

I want my wife to be my best friend, to share hugs and respect, and honesty. I want someone I can create a life with and fight adversity with. And I know, some of that only can come with time and dedication.

I hope everyone has a best friend and confidant. They are life givers.

I’m extremely grateful to have the friends I have in my life. Last night and today I spent the day with one of my best friend’s Blake. It’s been a true blessings, a refreshing gift from God. The conversations I have with him are the result of years of honesty and connection. And, love.

I hope everyone has a best friend and confidant. They are life givers.

Lord, thank you for Blake and Hilary. Thank you for their hearts and generous spirits. More than that, I’m thankful for the ability to enjoy each other. It wonderful.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 2/26/21 Nik Curfman 2/26/21

Abstract: We All Have A Garden

We all have Garden,

We all have sin,

Death will come for us all.

The difference is who we trust,

And the life we’re livin’.

From the Garden they were expelled,

And to the Garden He went,

Hours before He was murdered.

They lacked for nothing,

In a paradise grown just for them,

His companions couldn’t be bothered to stay up,

As Jesus walked through the beginning of His end.

Each in a Garden,

All faced the most human fear,

Death the thief of life.

Adam and Eve didn’t trust their Father,

But, Jesus did.

Adam and Eve didn’t die,

But, Jesus did.

Adam and Eve didn’t come back from their end,

But, Jesus did.

We all have Garden,

We all have sin,

Death will come for us all.

The difference is who we trust,

And the life we’re livin’.

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Nik Curfman 2/25/21 Nik Curfman 2/25/21

Journal: #215 I’m Not Crazy, Just Prophetic

Listening to the Lord is not a science. Each of us misses the mark. We insert our desires and hopes in the place of His voice. Millions of good Christians got it wrong last November, and millions more will do it in the next election. It is….what it is. I’m no different.

For twenty years, I’ve seen pictures and felt emotions I can’t explain. I am a crazy Christian, the type foolish enough to believe God talks directly to me. I know He does. Every time I think of someone and stopped to listen to the Holy Spirit on their behalf, He’s given me a timely word for them. I can’t count the occasions where the person in mind immediately responded with excitement or joy.

I’m Not Crazy

When I was twenty-three, I woke up in the middle of the night in terror. I felt the Lord ask me to pray against terrorism in Israel. Two days later I saw a newspaper story about a would be teenage suicide bomber at a checkpoint in the Gaza Strip. He surrendered rather than bomb the checkpoint because he “wanted to live.” (I still have that paper.)

A few years later, on an aimless internet surf, I ran across a story of an Afghani man in prison for the crime of converting to Christianity. For a week I fasted and prayed. In my man I saw this man walking free despite the Afghani government insistence that he be executed. I woke up the following Saturday to find out he was covertly flown out of the country. His life was spared.

Over and over again I’ve heard the voice of the Lord speaking to me, and I trust Him.

Time To Move Forward

Today, I put out a fleece. I don’t know if I’m impatient or wise, but I gotta do it. Since December I believe I’ve heard the Holy Spirit speak about an issue close to my heart. I’m either delusional or right where I need to be. In any case, I want to move forward. I just need something to hang my hat on, an indication I’m right or wrong. I’ll take either.

In Faith I Pray

This ask I make of the Lord is one of faith rather and entitlement. I’m not asking for a million dollars or new car. I’m just asking to know I’m not crazy. Not this time. I’ll be happy with the result because I know He’s got me. My trust is in Him, not the outcome I desire. I’ve desired enough outcomes to know His best is better than mine.

So, to the handful of my faithful readers, stand with me. I offer no details, and I will not report back later after the window closes. Whatever comes, I decided to embrace the outcome as His will for me. Again, because I trust Him.

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Nik Curfman 2/24/21 Nik Curfman 2/24/21

Journal: #214 I Have A Wonderful Life

I strolled through the last seven years of my life yesterday. It took me nearly an hour to go through all the pictures and videos. (Thank God for pictures. Thank God for video and high capacity digital storage.) Like anyone, I forget the blessings and grace on my life. It’s too easy to focus on what isn’t instead of what is, what has been.

In the last seven years I:

Moved from the southeast to California, site unseen. I did that on faith the Lord would catch me. Nothing more.
I met and continue to meet the very best kind of people. (Too many people to name or picture.)
I’ve traveled across America including: around California, Texas, Nashville, Oregon, Virginia, and the Carolinas.
I’ve eaten some of the best food in the history of mankind. If I could export real Chinese food to my fellow Americans I would. Everyone needs to savor Peking Duck at least once.
I climbed the peak of Mt Lassen…by myself.
I started a pop-up restaurant and was a partner in another restaurant startup.
I’ve seen the resurrection of marriages and birth of babies.
I’ve watched my nephews and niece grow.
My relationship with my parents is better than ever.
I got to be the officiant at one of my best friend’s wedding.
Just before that wedding, I watched Bill Murray kiss the bride to be at the rehearsal dinner.
I discovered and developed my love of nature and hiking.
I’ve taken risk and failed. More often than not, the Lord caught me and set me right again.
I dated quality women.
I’ve supported my friends and family through death.
I found loving community when I was sick.
I learned what faith is and how to trust the Lord.
I learned how to pray and listen.
I rediscovered grit and learned to tune out the judges in my head.

This is barely a list of everything awesome and amazing about the last seven years. It would be a long list.

The most enduring and meaningful constant throughout my life is the Lord. Between the smiles and delicious meals were serious bouts of depression, self-hatred, and loneliness. He steadied my feet and met me in the back allies of my life. I was never truly alone.

And now, at this very moment, I stand on the edge of myself. Most of the last seven years I did not dare be me. I tried to be someone else. Last summer I was set free in the midst of sorrow and rejection. It was the Lord’s greatest gift. He used my tragedies to show me who I was and the direction I should go.

I have no room for regret or resentment. All things work together for good. I’m excited about my life and where it’s headed. Thank you Lord. For everything. I have a wonderful life.