Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 12/7/20 Nik Curfman 12/7/20

Journal: #140 Keep Moving

I have no shame when I admit I was extra motivated over the summer to prove something to myself and a few others. On back-to-back days I broke up with my girlfriend and then my business partner. It was Biblical, or at least comical. To be fair, neither was move was a blindside and for the best.

I worked a long day today, most of it spent staring at a computer screen. Near the end I committed one of those annoying and time-consuming blunders, which meant I spent another hour redoing a tedious job. Fak, and oh well. That’s life in 2020. I’m thankful to have work and customers who value what I do for them. Thanks be to God.

After I finished my work day- about an hour ago- I went for a late night walk up the hill into the retirement community next to my neighborhood. The air was calm and crisp. It was a perfect setting to ease my muddle brain and clear out some work-related anxiousness.

Slow Progress

Near the midway point I opened the Health App on my phone. I like to track my steps in the pursuit of the fabled ten-thousand steps per day*. While I reviewed the day I decided to check on the number of consecutive days I hit 10k plus steps. Over the summer I hit 31 days in a row, and immediately followed it up with another 24 days. I knew I passed 24 a while ago.

Turns out, I was right. Today is day 30 in a streak of at least 10k steps each day. Unless some unforeseen major disaster slams into northern California, I will tie the streak tomorrow and break it Wednesday. I teared up at the thought. I’m gonna do it. The growth I experienced this summer is not a flash in the pan.

Shifting Motivation

So, I knew my motivations would shift as summer slide into autumn, and I was correct. Beginning in October and running well into November, I was worried. Would I continue to run after the Lord? Would I love myself? The answer to both is a resounding yes. Hallelujah.

The Year of Me and Him

This year, this f*cked up Covidian year, is about showing up and doing the little things for the sake of love. And, I’m not referring to romantic sap. I’m talking about patient, kind, long-suffering, but also boundary-setting, I’m-gonna-believe-in-miracles-and-let-God-be-God, love. I’m talking about cursing at the fear rather than people or the past. I’m talking about fighting the wind and pain rather than run from them. I’m talking about showing up and saying, “Lord, I’m here and I trust you.”

2020 is about vision, the type of vision that acts without a detailed master plan. It’s about faith in the things unseen. Part of it is letting go of what I thought was mine, and choosing to believe the Lord will either bring it back or present something greater.

Ultimately, this year is about me and Him. Me being me, and Him being God Almighty. For now and forever more, I can’t hate on 2020. I learned more and put more into practice this year than the previous 20 combined. Of course, the 20 years prior was a slow build, so I do not regret them either. My God truly works all things to the good whenever I let Him work.

Thankfully.

*The science says anywhere from 4,500-7,500/day is good number of steps for most people. I shoot for ten-thousand steps for multiple reasons, but mostly I like going for walks. I enjoy being outside and on the move. While the number of steps is up for debate, new research strongly recommends being outside as way to improve physical, mental, and emotional health. I highly encourage every single human to go on 3-4 outdoor walks per day. Doesn’t have to be long walks, just about ten minutes. 40 minutes per day will get you well above 5,000 steps in addition to your normal routine. It’s simple but effective.

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Nik Curfman 12/6/20 Nik Curfman 12/6/20

Journal: #139 Faith For What?

Faith is a trust in the Holy One. Miracles are merely one way faith becomes visible. I’m alive only because God intervened. My life is a miracle. No one can see it the same way the would a new leg or arm, but it’s no less real.

I don’t want to limit God or Faith or what what a miracle is. Life and love exists in many forms, and I want it all.

I find it easy to see the blessings of God in my life as inevitable, which I find alarming. In response to this insecurity I begin to demand more from the Lord. More supernatural “stuff.” I want visions and miracles and angels and to walk on water. I’m a kid, and I feel insecure. What I’m really asking is for assurance from my Father.

I Want All The Things

This summer, for the first time in many years and seasons of life, I asked the Lord for more of Him. I want of all of it, whatever I can handle and what I can’t. Gimme all the love, grace, revelation, joy, vision, purpose, etc.

During the previous week, I asked the Lord to be God. I asked Him to work on my heart and heal parts of it only a real God can heal. He answered that prayer. Honestly. During the last 72 hours, I don’t feel overwhelmed by rejection and shame. I feel good.

Old Habits Must Die

As if on cue, today I started to question how good I felt. I began to question God. It stems from a long believed lie. What lie is that you ask? It’s this: God’s goodness depends on how I feel. In this case there is a twist. I know God is real and gracious in my pain, but where is He my success? Seems odd to me, but follow along.

The lie builds on itself. It says, if I feel good then God feels good about me. And, if God feels good about me, then I should walk in miracles and supernatural happenings. The big danger is when I reverse that line of thinking:

If miracles and supernatural happenings are not obviously present in my life, then something is wrong with me. Therefore, if I feel good, but no miracles, I’m in some kind of sin or deception. I must figure it out!

It’s another form of judgement and self-abuse. I gotta laugh at how ingrained these thoughts patterns and deceptions can be.

Growth Is Slow, But Good

I love this moment. The Lord is rooting out those things which caused pain to me and others. It’s a process, and I am submitted to it. I look forward to the days when I feel good and do not look for pain. I long for the days when judgement is not a part of my life.

The growth I’ve experienced in 2020 is incredible. Before this year, it would’ve been hard for me to find personal grace. Now, I love myself enough to relax, and I don’t beat myself up (for too long.) Isn’t this a miracle too? I am slowly developing my eyes to see myself and others the way the Lord does. I suspect it will be a while before I notice judgement is not part of my life, because I will not be looking for it.

Clearly, my blind spots exist, but that won’t keep me from running after Him. He’s healing me from the inside out. It’s good, and I am thankful. Faith is making space for God to be God, and He’s got the map. His view of growth and where Nik needs to be is different than the lies of comparison and judgment. I’m allowed to enjoy life and feel good about me.

I don’t want to limit God or Faith or what what a miracle is. Life and love exists in many forms, and I want it all.

Lord, thank you for your kindness and faithfulness. Thank you for honoring my prayers and tinkering with my heart, especially when I’m looking the other way. Keep it up. Thank you expanding my vision beyond what they were.

And touch my hurting and ailing friends and family. Carry away their sicknesses and cover them with joy.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 12/5/20 Nik Curfman 12/5/20

Journal: #138 Yes, There Is Life On The Other Side

If you’re reading this and you think you need to let someone go, be assured. There is something greater on the other side, because you are making room for it to happen. It’s a move of faith. God will bring you more than you thought was available.

I wrote several intros to this post. One was quite boring, and another lacked the honesty I want to be a hallmark of my writing. I can complicate a simple thing, so here’s the gist of the this post: I made some big life changes that resulted in the loss of a few relationships. It sucks…and…I made new healthy friendships. Hurt people attract hurt people, and healthy people attract healthy people.

The Setup

Whenever I make big life changes I am usually worried about what I will find on the other side. Big life changes usually include a change in how I associate with the people around me, particularly my friends and family. It’s more obvious when I moved across the country to northern California, and a little less obvious when I stopped smoking cigarettes.

This year, a year of growth and changes, I decided to change how I relate to the world. I stopped treating my body like a garbage dump, and prioritized my walk with the Lord. These choices meant I turn down offers of junk food and leave parties early.

Lifestyle changes like diet and exercise are usually acceptable to friends and family. The tough one is asking a loved one to change the relationship.

Taking the Risk

I have two desires that appear to compete with each other. The first desire is to love myself. It includes eating well, exercising, and believing in myself. The second is to love people well. I want to be a source of love and strength for the people around me. On the surface, it seems possible to love myself and others well. But, it isn’t, not at all times.

In the effort to love myself, I had to set boundaries. Fundamentally, boundaries are a way to say “our relationship is broken, but it doesn’t have to be.” As of this writing, my attempts to set boundaries cost me five friendships. I stated how the relationship was broken, they did not agree.

Hurt People, Hurt People

Not everyone responded poorly. My roommate stuck with me when I told him I would probably never want to go to Napa Valley, and despite my changes in diet (prior to this year we usually ate dinner together, but we no longer eat the same foods.) In addition, I’m thankful my customers respect my hours of operation. I no longer spend nights and weekends working on “emergency projects.” Thank God.

As for those who did not respond well, I get it. All of them are hurting people. They see boundaries as judgment of who they are, rather than a chance to be powerful. One lady friend said I was too sensitive, another said I am controlling. A couple in Colorado said I let them down. The exact quote was from them was “we’re bummed we ever trusted you.”

In each situation, the response I received confirmed I made the right call.

Friends Don’t Abuse Friends

I’ve read books, spent hours in counseling, and prayed about it. After years of feeling like I must suffer the abuse of others, I am believe that is a lie. Love is a must, friendship isn’t.

It is a lie to believe love equals doormat. I spent a ton of time reading the Gospels since 2017. Jesus was no push over. Yes, He sacrificed Himself. And, we often see it the wrong way. He crucifixion was unavoidable. He was murdered, and was going to be murdered. The pharisees wanted Him dead. Jesus did not want to die. (Fairly certain He asked for such a fate to pass from Him.)

Let’s back up a bit, and I can’t recall Jesus letting someone be a dick to Him. I can’t recall Jesus enduring the selfishness of others or their insecurity. He challenged His friends and confronted their flaws. We also know from scripture, Jesus had more than 12 disciples at one point. The 12 we know by name are those who stuck with Him. Jesus didn’t compromise His vision or who He was.

All too often we are told to compromise our peace and well-being “for others.” This is not the Gospel. Sacrifice is not self-abuse. Jesus didn’t abuse Himself.

My picture of abuse has evolved over the years. I now consider manipulation a form of abuse, because it usually demands the devaluation of one or more people. It uses statements like “if you loved me you would,” and “I thought you were the kind of person who.” These are shaming statements meant to force us into submission.

I also consider judgment to be a form of abuse. It is one I know well. I’ve been as judgmental as one can be. It is a weapon I’ve aimed at myself and others. I do not accept this behavior from myself or other people. True friendship has growth imbedded in its nature. It seeks greater love.

A Word About Grace

Abuse and manipulation are part of life, and it is impossible to build a life devoid of them. I am not trying to do that. Jesus didn’t dismiss His flawed followers for their weakness (a trait He continues to exhibit, thankfully.) Grace is real and required to make it through life. Love covers all the sins.

What I am getting at is, it’s ok to let people go. When they want to sink into cynicism or justify verbal abuse, let them go. Keep the light on, and the door open. But, let them go.

My Promise

I avoid tough conversation because I am afraid of how the other person will respond. I think it’s a common concern for many, and the main reason we suffer the bullshit of others. I am afraid of being alone and of being seen as unkind or unloving. It’s a powerful combination of fear.

The truth of my experience is this: When I move toward personal growth and love, I discover and grow in relationships with people doing the same. An adjustment period always exists, but more joy and love is on the other side.

This morning I went for coffee with Hudson, a new friend. We discussed his coming engagement, the Thanksgiving weekend, and the goodness of Jesus in our lives. It was awesome. My heart wasn’t heavy or discouraged after I left. I got to talk about what excites me and what gives me life.

I want more of it.

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Nik Curfman 12/4/20 Nik Curfman 12/4/20

Journal: #137 Friday Thoughts

Today, I feel content for the first time in a while. While not absent of conflicting emotions, I decided to enjoy it. That’s my reward for enduring the low moments. As promised by Paul in his letter to the church in Galatia.

This week was a week of triumph. I faced some fears and insecurity, kept my eyes on Him and my feet on the road. Every day didn’t feel like a win, but I persevered and did the things it took took win.

“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.”
- Galatians 6:9

Meditations

I’ll end this short post with a few of my meditations from this week:

The woman with “an issue of blood” from Mark 5 is a hero. She suffered her condition for over a decade. It cost her everything. Yet, she reached for Jesus. Her faith forever a part of our faith.
I don’t think heaven is a place with houses and streets and clouds. If I had to guess, I’d say heaven is one eternal moment of oneness with God. It will be far greater than we can fathom.
I don’t want dead religion or philosophy. Either God is real as are the miraculous events, and love beyond measure. Or…this is cold empty universe and life in inherently meaningless. Since God is real, I want it all.
Over the last month I’ve watched a lot of Christian leaders walk in deception. It’s not intentional, so I want to honor them in their error. And I pray I stay connected to the Holy Spirit and loyal to the Lord more than any party, government, or politician.

Happy Friday.

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Nik Curfman 12/3/20 Nik Curfman 12/3/20

Journal: #136 Words Matter

Earlier this year I tried to build myself into a person impervious to isolation. I thought I could affirm myself enough to go without it from others. The last two days taught me I will always appreciate a kind word even if it is boilerplate.

What is it about a compliment from a stranger I (we) love so much? Maybe you don’t, but twice in the last two days I received an unexpected affirmation, and it nearly brought me to tears. One one hand, I feel like I should be slightly disturbed by it. On the other hand, I’ll take it. These are not the days to reject or judge kindness.

Work is Work

Most of my customers are women a bit older than me. They are strong, relentless, and ambitious. I like it. They know what they want and allow me to do my work without micro-managing every detail. I’m blessed to work with and for them.

In a professional setting, where dollars spent on my services need to see a return, it’s rare to be offered an off the cuff compliment. My customers aren’t rude or cold, just focused. They don’t know I’ve been isolated for the last few months, that most days the only reason I leave the house is to go for solitary walks. How or why would they know such a fact?

Yesterday, during a routine progress review, I made a rather simple suggestion to my a customer. We need more market assets- photos, video, and testimonials- for her website and social media. Since she will have a bevy of students on hand in February for an intensive class, I told her to schedule a videographer for the event. It’s rare in 2020 to be able to bring together all the pieces like this, so let’s take advantage of the moment.

I’m not sure what about it tripped her trigger, but a she flashed a rare smile and said “That’s really great idea. Good job.” Never mind the fact, I busted my ass for this lady since August. This one, unprompted, comment left me floored. I wanted to cry right on the spot.

She’s not mean mind you. Just focused.

You’re Accepted

Today, I had my in-person (on Zoom) interview for BSSM. It went like I thought it would. I wasn’t nervous, and accurately guessed which questions my interviewer asked. Better said, it was easier than any job interview. If anything, I thought I rambled a bit on some answers.

Toward the end of the interview, Steve asked me what I wanted to experience from BSSM. I told him I wanted mentorship, a place to grow, and then whatever the Lord has for me. In truth, it’s all about what the Lord wants. The others would be a nice bonus. Steve liked that answer, as he seemed to appreciate most of them.

Then he asked if I had any question for him. I did, so I asked about what school would like next year. His answered the way I thought he would. He couldn’t say. COVID is a SOB. I thought the interview was over, but then Steve said,”I’m happy to tell you you’re accept to BSSM for next September.”

I nearly lost it. I went from zero to a hundred in half a heart beat, and I struggled to hold my emotions in check. Why did I respond that way? Sure, I’m happy to go, and looking forward to what comes. But, this? After the call ended, I let the emotions flow. Why not?

Words Matter

In my life, I’ve been accepted to eight different institutions of “higher learning.” The list includes Clemson University, NC State, and the illustrious Central Piedmont Community College. I can’t recall being excited or elated at the news. In each case I believed my admission to be a foregone conclusion. Of course they’d let me in.

I didn’t doubt my admission to BSSM. Their standards do not rival the Ivy League. Not yet. So I don’t believe it was the admittance to the school that got to my heart. My involuntary response came from the words “you’re accepted” just as I broke a bit when Cindy said “Good job.”

I’m also happy I was able to receive their kindness. In the past, I’ve deflected such words or felt entitled to them. In this moment, I am grateful, and I want to remain so.

Thank you Lord for the kindness of strangers. Thank you for little bits of grace and sunshine in these lonely moments. Most importantly, thank you for giving me eyes to see and ears to hear your voice in the mouth of the people around me.

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Nik Curfman 12/3/20 Nik Curfman 12/3/20

Abstraction: Two Words

Perhaps he expelled the devil,

Proclaimed the goodness of Eternal Grace,

And, sung his war hymn.

Still, nights grow long. And there’s only so much a man can help himself.

Two words, powerful as any one man can speak to another.

Probably depends on the man though.

He’s got to question himself, his worth to world.

He’s got wonder if his past is too dark,

And age too old.

Knows his demon is within.

Perhaps he expelled the devil,

Proclaimed the goodness of Eternal Grace,

And, sung his war hymn.

Still, nights grow long. And there’s only so much a man can help himself.

We was all made to be loved, and there’s only so much a man can love himself.

So like a star shining through the cover of night, two spoken words ignite his lonely heart:

“You’re accepted.”

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Nik Curfman 12/2/20 Nik Curfman 12/2/20

Journal: #135 Laughing & Crying

It’s not the first time I laughed and cried in the same instant. I assume it won’t be the last. I want to keep walking into the fog with Him, and that means being honest and naked. It means showing Him my heart and letting Him do what only He can with it.

I believe the latter months of 2020 proved to be the toughest yet. That f*cking coronavirus isn’t going away. Joe Biden will be the next President? And, my motivation took a dive. My eyes lowered from what was possible to what is, and I began to focus on looming failure and embarrassment.

Still, almost robotically, I went on walks in the forest, stuck to my diet, and wrote. Oh, I wrote. I completed my third journal of the year, and over 60 blog posts. More than that, the Lord told be to stick with Him, to keep showing up, so I did. For the first time in my life, when the clouds gathered, I didn’t run. I stood and let the darkness come.

I have a term for this given to me by the Lord over the summer: The Fog. It is a place of trust between me and the Lord, where it’s me and Him. No plans or goals, no expectations. I wrote about the Fog back in September.

This morning I am still alternating laughs with tears, overwhelmed by the goodness of God. He is not the humorless mob boss sitting in the corner, stroking His mustache. He’s the goofy, big-eared kid who doesn’t give a flying-f-ck what anyone else thinks about Him, the Eternal Optimist, the Forever Patient, the Always Kind, the Giver of the Best Gifts, the Relentless Hunter.
The Comic. The Jokester. The Creator of Comedy and Infinite Joy.

This morning I felt the weight of the world on my chest as I walked up the hill from my apartment. Tears ran down my face as I prayed. What happened, and why am I worried about everyone? For starters, I began to take responsibility for other people and their outcomes. That’s a deep hole of despair if unchecked. Then I dug a little deeper. Why did I want a plan? A goal? Something monumental to point at? Oh, that’s right. I’m afraid to date a woman with my current answer: I want to love people. What kind of a plan is that?

When I remind myself what my calling is- to love people- I know my answer is good enough. It’s good enough for me. It’s gonna be good enough for a lady friend, or…she ain’t gonna be my lady friend very long.

I walked a little further, and turned down a side street where retired folks live in mobile homes. Some of them have put out Christmas lights, and most have a dog or two. Although I felt lighter than before, my heart remained heavy. I tried every trick I knew to give it life, but nothing worked.

In a moment of faith and frustration I demanded, “Lord, I need you to be God. Heal my heart. I can’t fix it.” Instantly, I began to laugh while I weeped. It’s a feeling I can’t explain, a mix of complex emotions, of grief and joy. This is God being who I need Him to be, present in my pain. His hands, full of life and love.

I’d like to be one of those old people, watching from the front porch. I wonder what they think about me as I laugh and cry. I hope they know the wondrous God the way I do. I hope they know He will carry them when they grow weary and need love.

Thank you Lord for being my friend and amazing God. Thank for sticking to me like sap on stump. Give me grace and joy today, shower my friends with your love and kindness.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 12/2/20 Nik Curfman 12/2/20

Abstraction: What They Say

When they shovel dirt on my cold body, I want them to say,

He lived. He loved. And he never gave up.

He gave me warmth when I was cold, light when I was blind,

And he put my hand in the hand of the Flame.

When we gather around a loved one gone dark,

We put aside their ugly flaws.

We celebrate what they brought to the world,

the light shining through them.

It is certain, some men shine brighter than others, for longer, to the benefit of more.

But every man and woman is a candle in search of the Flame.

I don’t know how bright I shine,

But who does?

I don’t know if my light will grow or fade, or how long I’ve got left.

But, I plan to stand and suffer the fate of a man willing to flicker in the dark,

when the night is long empty, the wind is strong, and my soul wants to yield.

May I stand and shine.

When they shovel dirt on my cold body, I want them to say,

He lived. He loved. And he never gave up.

He gave me warmth when I was cold, light when I was blind,

And he put my hand in the hand of the Flame.

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Nik Curfman 12/1/20 Nik Curfman 12/1/20

Journal: #134 Not My Story PT. I

When I think about my story I take comfort in Bob’s journey to Kelly. His path included some unhealthy relationships, some false starts, and a broken heart. He overcame shame and despair to get to her, and I’m beyond proud of him.

At the age of 40 and as each year passes, my desire to find a good lady and start a family grows. I want a friend, a partner, and life long companion. It follows I am officially tired of being single. It’s a rather new state of being for me. In late 2015, as I stood (alone) in awe of the Redwoods, I first felt the pure desire for a wife. I was 35.

Early this year, I thought I had her, the one. I felt ready. And the breakup hit me the hardest of any so far. I wanted her, despite all problems and flaws in our relationship. Such is life. I’m too old and too wise to self destruct this time. I know I did my best, and I’ll do better with the next girlfriend.

I had a true battle for my wits last Sunday, and I wrote about in the Intro to this series. My way out of self-pity and hopelessness starts with gratitude and grace. Sunday, as I began to thank God for my friends, I remembered Bob, Kyle, Mitch, and Nixon. I thought about their roads to marriage. It gave me joy to know each of them has fought and won their personal wars to get to the alter.

This is the story of Bob.

Fast Friends

I met Bob on fall afternoon in Charlotte, North Carolina. My sister invited him our bon fire, and I’m thankful she did. He was lanky with thin brown hair and a six pack of Miller High Life tucked under his arm. He laughed easy and was confident without being a chode. That day, Bob and I became instant friends.

Over the last 15 years, I watched him date a number of different woman and turn down many more. He’s loaded with southern charm and great smile, so he had to swat them away. I admired how easy he made it look with women.

2010: The Beginning of Hell

In early 2010, Bob and I leased a small house in the south Charlotte. The next four years were some of the most difficult of my life, his life too. We both ended up in therapy and pushed the limits of self-destructive behaviors. In many ways, our lives mirrored each other. We both dated a bit, got into an unhealthy relationships, then self medicated with cigarettes, porn, and booze.

We both hit that hopeless point many immature people do. It’s the place when life beats you down after everyone else makes it look easy. To make matters worse, our community began to fall apart. Married couples began to divorce, cancer took a father of four young children, drug addiction took another.

When you’ve failed, when your community has failed, when the couples who didn’t divorce seem to hate each other, marriage isn’t a blessing. It appeared to be a death sentence to be avoided. Bob and I openly asked “why would anyone get married? What’s good about it?”

God is Always Moving

Fortunately, the Lord is good and has plans for us. I moved to Redding in 2014, and Bob got a one-bedroom brick apartment near swanky South End. I found a place to breath and relax, and Bob began to date a new lady. It was the first time either of us dated in three years.

Megan

Bob dated Megan for over a year, and started to get serious about his future with her. He left his secure company job to go into contract work. The freedom allowed him to move to a new city, the city where Megan lived. Just a month before the big move, she pulled the plug. Bob was devastated.

He loved Megan. He wanted to marry her and have children with her, and put action behind his words of devotion. And she said “no, not you.” I hated her for it. I believe my official response to Bob when he texted me was “she f*cked up.”

It was a real kick to the nads for Bob. He’s a great guy and would’ve been a great husband. He overcame a lot of insecurity, doubt, and shame to date Megan. He fought through triggers and fears, and she said no. To make matters worse, Megan reunited with her an ex-boyfriend and married within a year. Double kick to the nads.

Other Failures

The years that followed were an uneven mix of success and disappointment. It was successful because Bob continued to fight his fears and triggers. And, it was disappointing because that’s what internet/app dating is. (Certainly, some people find success on the dating apps. I was officiant of one such wedding.)

During this time, Bob refined what he knew he wanted and what he needed in a relationship. Then in the summer of 2018 he was given the number of an artist in her early 30’s. Bob waited a month before he did anything with it. Instead, he did what we do in the age of the internet. He stalked her social media to get a feel for who this woman is. Then, on a whim, Bob went to her art show.

Kelly Is The One

She didn’t know he was coming, but Kelly was still nervous when she saw him for the first time. (Because, yes, Kelly stalked Bob’s social media too.) Bob was his normal charming self. He engaged with Kelly and her friends, exchanging jokes and stories. Before he left, Bob threw out an invitation to the group to come to his improv show. Kelly wanted a personal invite. To her satisfaction, just before Bob walked out the door, she got one.

From the start, I knew Kelly was different. Even though Bob battled shame triggers and his past, he continued to date Kelly. They have the same kind of quirks and grace in life. They laugh at the same jokes and love to eat good food. Bob found what he was looking for, and Kelly did too.

In the grand scheme of things, Bob and Kelly didn’t date long before they were engaged and got married. It was about 15 months in total.

I am still in a bit of shock, even as I type these words. She’s so amazing and good for Bob. I genuinely liked some of Bob’s previous girlfriends, most of them are good people. But…I love Kelly. She’s everything I wanted for Bob and I’ll do whatever a friend can do to make sure they succeed.

My heart was crushed earlier this year, by a great woman. And, I know I will survive. I choose to believe I will find my Kelly. The path to my wife just got more interesting, and I will trust the Lord to bring me His best. I think it’s called faith. Fear is not an option.

Lord, thank you for Bob and his friendship. I love that guy as much as I could love anyone. I’m so grateful he found Kelly. Bless their socks off and pour out your love and joy on their lives.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 11/30/20 Nik Curfman 11/30/20

Journal: #133 Words, Giver or Destroyer of Life

What bothers me isn’t the disagreement or difference of opinion. It’s the other stuff. Whenever she calls me a jerk or butt face. It’s not funny. Twenty years ago when we thought we’d take over the world, it was funny. At 40, it just looks immature and childish.

In August I intentionally stopped talking a long-time friend, mainly because I ran out of subjects to discuss. The list was already short, and every year grew shorter. Every year she grows a little more bitter and harsh. Her jokes aren’t as cute, and her words increasingly full of judgement.

A month ago she asked why I stopped talking to her- which caught me by surprise. I took my time in reply. I wanted to be honest, but I don’t think I communicated what I wanted to communicate. Her retort basically was “you’re too sensitive, intolerant, and you cut people out of your life.”

I AM Who I Am

For starters, yes I am sensitive. Can’t deny it. I feel things deeply, and I don’t love it all the time. I wish a could be a cold asshole sometimes, but I can’t. I won’t argue with the idea I am sensitive. What I take issue with is her assertion I can’t handle conflict. That’s bullshit. I swim in conflict.

On Conflict

I didn’t vote for President Trump in the recent election, and I think he’s acting like a huge baby now. Most of my family and friends did vote for President Trump. They believe the election was rigged (without a shred of real evidence. An accusation is not evidence.) As a result, I’ve had a number of tough conversations with people I love and cherish over the last four weeks. ALL of them were civic and respectful. I repeat. All of my conversations about one of the most controversial topics of my lifetime, zero hurt feelings.

Why? Because no one diminished the other person or mocked them. No one judged those who disagreed with them. They did not turn the conversation into a joke. My friend? That’s what she does. She uses snarky sarcasm as a defensive weapon, to protect herself.

On Tolerance

My entire life I’ve aspired to be an independent thinker and doer. As anyone with similar ideals can testify, it is often a lonely place. I'd be a miserable f-ck if I wasn’t tolerant of people, their behaviors, and opinions. Again, I refer to the Trump example. I love my family and friends, and I do not disqualify them based on their views and opinions.

Cutting People Out

Guilty. I absolutely cut people out of my life. I won’t tolerate abuse or being shit on. No apology is forth coming from me on the subject. Love is something I want to have for all people at all times; however, the friendship we bestow upon each is a privilege.

To that point I want to offer this example:

I once dated an abusive drug addict. She hit me, stole money from me, and lied to anyone who would listen about how I treated her. Am I suppose to remain friends with her? Am I suppose to keep this door open?

No. Most people would agree. I have the right to love myself and remove her from my life. Therefore, we aren’t arguing about whether “cutting people out” is itself good or bad, only the application. Every single person has the right to say who can and cannot be in their life.

Have I cut people off who maybe deserved better? Yes. I admit that. The first time I really cut people out of my life, I did it poorly. I owed them more than I gave. And…I stand by the decision.

It was a couple. I was the best man in their wedding. The last 2-3 years of our friendship, they treated my like shit. Truly. Their behavior included public embarrassments(she yelled at me in public settings multiple times), broken promises, and plenty of other douche moments. They earned it. Still, I owed them a chance to make amends.

I like to believe I developed how to set boundaries. I won’t apologize for it.

Am I Wrong?

I believe every relationship succeeds because two people work to make it work. Conversely, every failed relationship is on two people. I can’t control anyone- a true blessing. All I can do is control what I do and say. With this in mind I ask, am I wrong (about any of this)? Is there any validity to what my friend is saying?

To her three main assertions, no. She’s wrong. I’m not going to apologize for being sensitive or having boundaries. And, I know I’m a tolerant man.

One more subtle point she made, I do believe has more weight, is how I go silent. That’s real. She probably doesn’t even know how real it is. I go silent because I’m afraid to speak my mind. And I’ve held back on my friend.

This is an opportunity for me to be me, to say the things I would say if I weren’t scared of losing a friend.

Life and Death

Last week I posted this blog. In it, I discuss what I’ve learned in 2020 including how to be consistent. The main example I use is the power of the tongue and positive affirmation. My life is on completely different track in large part to what I tell myself about the promises of God. Everyday, throughout the day, I confess the love and kindness of the Lord over my life.

(And if you need more reason to change what you say, science supports what the Bible preaches. Our words matter. Cutting sarcasm, complaints, mockery, you name it. They all have a negative effect on our hearts and brains. It’s not cute or funny. It’s harmful when we pull ourselves and other people down.)

About My Friend

The bigger problem is my friend is stuck, and she’s been stuck for a while. Her life hasn’t gone to plan, and we all know what that feels like. What she needs is friend willing to be her friend and call her to a higher plane of existence. I’m not sure that’s my job.

What I can do is remain patient and set boundaries. Contrary to what she might think, I’m not trying to cut her out of my life. And I don’t think I’d be a good friend if I continued to patronize her. I love her, but I’m not going to sit and let her trash everything and everyone around her. That’s not love either.

I don’t know how this will work out. Boundaries and mutual respect often look like control to codependent people who are stuck in cycles of shame and disappointment. I can handle it, but I’m not sure she will adapt to the changes. Maybe? We’ll see.

Lord, guide me. I’m imperfect and prone to make mistakes. I want to love my friend, so show me how to do that.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 11/29/20 Nik Curfman 11/29/20

Journal: #132 Not My Story Intro

As I turned to walk back to my car I turned my heart toward the sky and gave thanks for the beautiful weather, the trail, and my friends. I dove into what my friends mean to me. My prayer led to tears of joy as I thought about Bob and Nixon*, and then…I thought about their wives and the paths that led to them.

One of my most annoying tendencies is to hang onto pain and rejection. I wish I was that guy who could break up with someone and move on, but it’s not my history. This morning I stood in forest and shook my fists in frustration. Why am I like this? Why do I want someone who doesn’t want me?

My dating history is full of rejection. In almost every relationship of my life, I was dumped. When I look back on what I did wrong and what I can change, I have obvious errors and areas of improvement. Regardless, I was never a bad boyfriend. I loved without regret and wanted the best for each lady. So why do I keep being rejected?

What Do I Want?

I want a confident woman and refuse to define someone. I have and continue to ask “what do you want?” I ask that question because I do not accept the trope that women are lesser humans who “need a man.” And, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for emotional intelligence and brave communication. Women are not victims even though we live in a world that allows them to be.

I aspire to be a powerful man, and I want to partner with a powerful woman. I want a lady who will challenge me and back me up, because that’s what I plan to be for her. There’s nothing less sexy than the words “I don’t know.” (To be gracious, “I don’t know” is an acceptable answer on occasion, but not as a way of life. People who perpetually don’t know what they want don’t know who they are, or they are afraid to be who they are.)

Recent History

The frustrating truth about my last girlfriend is she showed glimpses of being a powerful woman. I knew I wanted to date her the day she told me I was wrong about an issue at work. It was awesome, because she was right. I loved that she used her voice and insight to speak into the inner workings of complex business relationships.

By the end of our relationship she was riddle with anxiety, so a breakup was the best move. She seemed determine to prove me wrong about how special I think she is. Painfully, I admitted she needed space to level out and find her center in Jesus. When she came to break up with me, I let her go without a fight. I still consider her a friend, and pray for blessings on her life.

We broke up six months ago, and most of the time I have my heart and mind looking forward. Yet, part of me still hangs onto to her, to who she is, despite the heart ache. In those moment, I engage my new weapons in the fight with rejection and fear: questions and gratitude.

What’s true? It’s not her or nobody? You don’t know the future. You want a woman who wants you.

Gratitude Is A Weapon

After I thought about Bob and Nixon, I thought about Kyle and Mitch. Each of these men have a unique marriage story. All of them faced failure and rejection, and all of them are in healthy, functional marriages. I’m happy for and proud of each man.

Most importantly, I’m glad the Holy Spirit shifted my vision as I struggle with my journey toward marriage. Gratitude opens doors to see paths hidden by shame. My dating history is not my story, just part of it. Over the coming week I will detail the story of each man and where I find encouragement in it. For anyone looking for stories of redemption, grace, and the kindness of God, stay tuned.

Happy Sunday.

*For the sake of this series, I changed their names and will omit a few details. My intent is to tell my story which includes the stories of others. I have no desire to expose or use anyone.

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Nik Curfman 11/28/20 Nik Curfman 11/28/20

Journal: #131 Being Who I Am

My goal is to wave the rally flag at the top of the mountain and scream “Come on! YOU GOT THIS! Let’s. F*cking. Go!”

I was content when no one read my words, and I’ll be content now. Fear, be gone.

When I started typing words and posting posts on the internet, I wrote whatever I wanted. No one knew my blog existed. I was as raw and vulnerable (and sloppy) as I wanted to be. I didn’t care if I spent weeks discussing my break up or business failures. It’s easy to be honest to an empty room.

Last week I saw a noticeable uptick in visitors to Fearless Grit. The trend continued into this week. My audience is growing beyond my mom and good friend Jess. I’m nervous and worried about it.

Old Fears

I want to encourage the people who find this website. I want you to know how loved and amazing you are. That no matter what- no matter how hard life has hit or broken you feel- the Lord is on your side. He gives without measure or regret. I am a witness to this uncommon grace. It’s why I wrote How He Loves.

I’ve watched the Lord be miraculous and kind. People need to know it.

My insecurity stems from the same source fear I’ve always battled. Am I enough? Is what I write worth reading? In this moment I like to pull out my favorite tool: curiosity. What’s true? What does the Lord say about you? As a marketer, I know the answer to this question, which is nuanced. Most people will not find value in what I’m trying to do. But…a few will.

Answer The Questions

In the world of digital marketing, the goal is to provide people with useful and relevant content. It’s essential to know who you are and what value you offer to people. I know who I am, and what I what value I offer. (Check and check.)

I’m Nik, and I’ve failed, faced suicide, and brokenness. Over the last few years I moved from being a lost victim into a strong confident man. My target audience are fellow Christians who want more, who refuse to accept less, and who dare to live a life of aggressive faith in the Father.

My goal is to wave the rally flag at the top of the mountain and scream “Come on! YOU GOT THIS! Let’s. F*cking. Go!”

I was content when no one read my words, and I’ll be content now. Fear, be gone.