Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 2/14/21 Nik Curfman 2/14/21

Journal: #205 The Streak is Over

I know I will write the rest of my life, not matter what. Writing is an outlet and becomes a history. I can see how I evolved over time, in good and not so good ways. Regardless, I don’t need to hit some number. This is a long-haul thing. No need to burn out.

I did not intend to end my streak of consecutive days with a blog post, or walking 10k+ steps, or personal journaling. I didn’t do an effective job of ensuring it either. Nonetheless, when I opened my eyes this morning I felt relief. Yes, I felt relieved. The Streak became a thing to do for it’s own sake, a weight instead of a joy. I’m glad it’s over.

I toyed around with two ideas on my drive back from Charleston today. The first idea is to begin a new streak right away. I set a goal of 340 blog posts for my first full year of blogging, so I need to keep writing. Or, and this is the second idea, I could let it go. I need a day off every week to rest my mind and heart. If I did that, I’d end up around 325-330 posts.

I decided I’m ok with 325-330 posts. It’s still a lot of posts by any standard. I’m not sure how many other writers aim for a ridiculous number like that, but it can’t be many. For my sake, I need the day off.

Thank you Lord for loving me. Thank you for streak and new ways to live. Thank you for protecting my heart when I couldn’t.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 2/14/21 Nik Curfman 2/14/21

Abstract: You Are My Friend

Is it fun,

In your cell?

Does the weed dull your brain?

Are there enough shots the bottle to shush the truth away?

Is it fun,

In your cell?

Does the weed dull your brain?

Are there enough shots the bottle to shush the truth away?

Sure seems like they gave you everything to make you comfortable,

During your stay.

Behind those bars, they keep the dopamine flowing,

Your head down,

Your pride intact.

I can see your dilemma,

Because I’m not distracted by your guards: greed, sloth, and anger.

You’re so far from the brilliance made for you,

From before time,

You can’t risk the safety of your doom.

But, I am your friend.

I will not relent.

I will pray and fight for your tender heart.

Greater is the One in me than than the drugs that lock you in the haze.

And He,

He loves you.

His heart is an open ocean of love,

All for you.

Nothing you believe or do can separate you from Him.

So, I will stand my post, and my watch,

For you.

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Nik Curfman 2/12/21 Nik Curfman 2/12/21

Journal: #204 Shit Day, Kinda

On days like this, the only thing I got is Him. That’s not a dismissal of anyone or anything, but my belief He makes the suffering worth it.

Today was a long grind of a day. On top of the work I had to do, I had a stack of meetings late into the evening. It was not my favorite way to spend a Friday, but that’s life as a contract marketer. I work and meet on my clients schedule. I’m thankful for the work, but there’s never an end. Work just leads to more work. Bigger, better, more, right? Isn’t that what we’re about?

I want to complain about it. I want to bitch and moan, and wonder what the f*ck I’m doing with my life. The truth is this will pass- the mood I’m in and my marketing career. It’s not a life move, but a temporary way point from where I was in BBQ to where I’ll be in the next few years.

**(As if to demonstrate my point, Justin texted me as I wrote this post.)**

In truth, I work with some great guys. They love and respect me. They’ve honored my work and given me a raise, a new title, and little gifts along the way. I can’t say enough them. Alex and Justin are the exact opposite of what I experience from my business partner last year. They care about me and listen to what I want and need for my life. (See the screenshot.)

So…like I said, I’m in a good situation. I will not complain. Thank you Lord for giving me the opportunity to learn and grow in an environment of honor and grace.

If I was were still slinging BBQ, I’d still be in Redding. I would not have the freedom to fly across the country to be with my parents as my dad begin cancer treatments. No. I will not complain or fall into self-pity. This moment is special. I’m happy to have it.

The angst I feel is me being hard on myself. This moment is a chance to love on me and affirm who I am. I’m tired of my life and being measured everyday. That’s why I’m so thankful for the love and grace of the Lord. It’s not about numbers with Him. His love stretches to the horizon without regret. And, He’s so kind.

On days like this, the only thing I got is Him. That’s not a dismissal of anyone or anything, but my belief He makes the suffering worth it.

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Nik Curfman 2/12/21 Nik Curfman 2/12/21

Abstract: Race To The Top, Not For Me

Read the books and blogs,

Listen to that podcast,

Honesty and vulnerable discussion,

Just another marketing mask.

A is for excellence,

F is for failure.

More money is better than no money.

Better stand up tall, better be tall.

Test scores, and final scores.

Only champions and class presidents need apply.

Qualified candidates, and competitive admissions.

Most votes wins, second place is an eternal loser.

Climb the ladder, reach for the top,

The grind for best, first, and always,

Never, ever, stops.

KPIs, and data analytics,

Dashboards, and quotas,

Sales goals,

Quarterly reports,

And dividend yields.

Attendance, and follows,

Views, and engagement,

Commodity influence,

To be all of the above.

Read the books and blogs,

Listen to that podcast,

Honesty and vulnerable discussion,

Just another marketing mask.

Be better,

Do better.

More, MORE, MOOOOORE!!

No place to rest,

To live,

To be.

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Nik Curfman 2/11/21 Nik Curfman 2/11/21

Journal: #203 New Goals

Of all my goals, this is more important than money or drawings. Positive confession over my life and heart makes everything possible. When I say I am a great poet I create a world where that is possible. When I whisper I love you Lord I remind myself of what’s important to me.

During my second stroll of the day, I thought about new goals. I’m fresh off hitting my last round of 45 day goal. “It’s time to up the ante,” I thought. Goals need to be hard yet achievable, at least that’s what people in the Goal Setting business say. I’ll add my contribution with this; in addition to challenging yet doable, goals need to be interesting.

Motivated to Do

I have a history of setting goals I didn’t have motivation to hit. One salient example is reading. While I love to read I am motivated to read in spurts. I bend toward non-fiction books which requires brain space to process. Fiction, on the other hand, tends to disappoint me. I’d rather watch the movie. It is what it is. Accordingly, I stopped making it a goal to read a certain number of books every year.

Only took me 20 years to figure it out.

Doable but challenging

My new goals are practical and in line with the direction my life is heading. They are:

Pay off my tuition to BSSM in the next 45 days. This assumes Uncle Sam will mail me another stimulus check. If so, I’m on the hook for $2500. It’s a tall task, but I’m up for it.
Write a poem every other day for a total of 23 poems in the same period. I like my poetry, and want to write more of it.
Draw or sketch something, no matter what it is, every other day for a total of 23 drawings. Of the three goals, this one seems to be most daunting. It will require me to do instead of judge. I need to allow myself to play and enjoy what I’m doing rather than focus on technique and style.

But Wait, There’s More

In addition to these goal, I want to keep walking 10k+ step every day, personal journaling, and blogging. I set a goal of 340 blogs over the course of my first year. This blog will be 203/340. I’ve got exactly 150 days to write 137 more Journal posts.

In retrospect, I wish I set my goal at 330 posts. I’d like to take Sundays off to rest my mind, which I will do starting in April. This first year of writing is one the most wonderful of my life, and I look forward to year two. I’m planning to reduce the number of blogs, focus on grammar, and use some software tools to help me stay organized. For now I’ve got to push through to hit my original goal.

My personal journaling is something I don’t discuss…because it’s personal. Of everything I do, it’s the most vital. The journal is where I write to the Lord, and I will do whatever it takes to keep the conversation alive. I don’t have a set goal per se, only to show up, be honest, and listen.

That’s not entirely true. The Lord has given me a few task to do. I’ll tell you about one.

Words Are Powerful

Early this year the Lord told be He was going to teach me how to live from the Spirit. He said He was going to show me how to align my heart with His Spirit. So we started with specific to me affirmations. Last year, around this time, I began to proclaim some of the basic over myself- I am loved. I am worthy of love. Etc. This time the Lord asked me to say affirmations like I am a great artist. I am a great poet. (Admitting this publicly is tough.)

Jesus talked about the power of what we speak into this world. The tongue is a sword with two blades, and it cuts both ways. We can “move mountains” and “defile” ourselves. I spent most of my life defiling myself and limiting what was possible. Those days are finished. If the mountains are going to move, I’ve first got to believe they will move.

Of all my goals, this is more important than money or drawings. Positive confession over my life and heart makes everything possible. When I say I am a great poet I create a world where that is possible. When I whisper I love you Lord I remind myself of what’s important to me.

The Lord is asking me and instructing me on how to be me. It’s pretty sweet.

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Nik Curfman 2/10/21 Nik Curfman 2/10/21

Abstract: My Audience Of One

Then He takes my scribbles and sticks,

Using one of the many magnets on the big ass fridge next to the Throne,

And places my childish creation where everyone will see.

He’s my audience of One.

(There’s a sad time,

Between being an innocent boy and a guilty man,

When a young soul is crushed from who it is,

Into the mold of what it should be.

When scribbles on paper are no longer a source of joy,

When the lines are critiqued,

And the shading is judged.

The room of joy, the art room, becomes a lab.

Imagination replaced by standard production.

Each product held against the rest.

Never of its own.)

The judges are never louder than when I’m alone.

Years churn,

Attempts are made.

New tubes of paint lay unused,

And rasps turn to rust.

A thousand inspirations forever unseen, forever vanished into eternity.

I feel too unworthy to try, and condemned in my waste of what could be.

Does a cave of abandonment exist,

Free of the court and galley,

The lab and the showroom floor?

Where it’s just me?

Yes.

It’s called the Throne Room.

It’s bright and lined with white columns.

At the far end is where He is.

And big ass refrigerator.

That big ass refrigerator next to the seat where He sits,

It’s covered with magnets.

And He’s waiting while I work.

He’s waiting to smile and pat me on the head.

He’s waiting to say “well done son, I know where this is going.”

Then He takes my scribbles and sticks,

Using one of the many magnets on the big ass fridge next to where He sits,

And places my childish creation where everyone will see.

He’s my audience of One.

The only one that matters to me.

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Nik Curfman 2/10/21 Nik Curfman 2/10/21

Journal: #202 Goals Achieved

Before I go, it’s a confidence boost to set small goals and hit them. It makes me want to be a bit more ambitious.

I don’t have anything to say today. Oddly. When I click the publish button on the post it’ll be 47 consecutive days with a post. Today also marks the day I hit some other goals. You can read about them by reading this blog: Going After Goals.

It feels good to hit those goals, so I’m not feeling down. I do feel blah, distant from myself. I don’t know why. So I think I want to sit with the Lord and let Him be God to me.

Before I go, it’s a confidence boost to set small goals and hit them. It makes me want to be a bit more ambitious. One goal that comes to mind is my tuition balance for BSSM. I think I owe $3900. Since Congress is likely to hand out money again (in the neighborhood of $1400), I think I want to aim to pay $2500 over the next 50 days. So there’s that.

I’ve got a few health goals in mind as well as some art goals. 50 day sprints are nice. I’ll write more about these new goals tomorrow. As for walking and writing, I want to keep my streaks alive. 45/6 days match previous highs. Tomorrow will set a new record, but I’m toying with the idea of taking Sunday’s off writing. Who knows what, I’ll do.

All I know is writing gives me life. So does Jesus. Time to go spend time with Him.

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Nik Curfman 2/9/21 Nik Curfman 2/9/21

Journal: #201 God in South Carolina

As I prayed about all this, the Lord said something. It made me laugh. In the middle of my fears He said,”I’m God in South Carolina too. I’ve got your back.” I laughed because it’s the obvious answer to my fear.

My alarm went off at 3:30 AM, but I was awake long before it sounded. I’m nervous. As I type, I sit at gate D8 in the famed ATL airport on my way to Columbia, SC. For at least the 50 days, I will assist my parents while my dad begins his cancer regiment. There’s a lot to be nervous about.

I built a good life in Redding. I love the surrounding mountains and rural feel of the city. (The longest drive to get anywhere in town is fifteen minutes.) I’ve got diet, exercise, and sleep routines that work for me. And, my supportive Redding? The are my favorite part of my life in Redding. They held me up when I was weak, and they never make me feel small- especially when I act small.

So yeah. I’m nervous about moving-in with tow adults who have their routines and preferences. Luckily, mom and I agreed to discuss what it will take for everyone to be successful. Check.

The obvious hurdle is the cancer hurdle. Right? The very word is jarring. I know us. We will fight. Whatever comes, we will meet it with faith and whole lotta f*ck you.

But what makes me the most nervous is me. Am I strong enough to stay out of the shit? Can I walk through this next season of life with my head up, my face toward the Lord? I can’t slip. I can’t go back to self sabotage and late night fast food binges.

My fear is the stress and change will be too much. I fear I will get on my parents nerves and they will get on mine. I fear will make everything worse and appear to be selfish.

As I prayed about all this, the Lord said something. It made me laugh. In the middle of my fears He said,”I’m God in South Carolina too. I’ve got your back.” I laughed because it’s the obvious answer to my fears.

This moment is an opportunity to climb higher in the Kingdom, to grow in Faith, and expand my understanding of grace. The Lord loves me and my family. He loves my dad. His word is yes and amen. There’s nothing that can or will separate us from Him.

My fear comes from a belief that I need to be perfect. It’s not true. I need to have faith. I need to trust the Lord. This is chance to shine in the battle instead of shrink in my hole. The last year prepared me it handle all the changes and stress with grace and kindness.

Thank you Lord for preparing me to face difficult trials of life. Thank you for building me up and putting awesome people in my life to guide me. It’s awesome how you led me last year, and continue to lead me now. I trust you.

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Nik Curfman 2/8/21 Nik Curfman 2/8/21

Abstract: What If?

What if I didn’t write for you?

What if I didn’t care how well I spelled or slung words together?

What if I didn’t write for you?

What if I didn’t care how well I spelled or slung words together?

What if didn’t torture myself with approval or acceptance?

Praise and affirmation?

What if?

I could be something.

Then who?

Who should I write to?

Him?

Yeah.

Him.

Good enough.

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Nik Curfman 2/8/21 Nik Curfman 2/8/21

Journal: #200 Worth Celebrating

In the teeth of shame and sorrow, I never stopped going for walks, or praying each morning and every night. I blogged and journaled, and was honest with the Lord about my pain. This is what victory looks like. It’s being able to take a hit and punch back.

I’ve stumbled around the fog since last week, and I tried to understand what happened to me. Since early January, I enjoyed my life in spite of some brewing trouble. It was good. But, it came to a quick halt when I was triggered into worthlessness. Old rejections resurfaced, and I became defensive toward people who were not accusing me of anything.

I hate that. I hate arguing with people who aren’t arguing with me.

I cried a lot last week. I cried because I was sad, and because I wanted to forget. I also reached out to people I trust, and refused to live my life in darkness. It’s one of my newest habits born of repentance. I recently learned what loving myself looks like and how to care for me when I go through shit.

So, in the teeth of shame and sorrow, I never stopped going for walks, or praying each morning and every night. I blogged and journaled, and was honest with the Lord about my pain. This is what victory looks like. It’s being able to take a hit and punch back.

Today marks a huge milestone. This blog post is post number 200 since July 11th, 2020. I’m over 60% of the way toward my goal of 330 Journal posts in a year. (Not only that, I set some 45 day goals too. Today marks day 43 in pursuit of those.) Every day offers me reason to take the day off, but I don’t take it. Every day is also the day to get one inch closer to 330 blog posts, consecutive days walk 10k+ steps, journaling, sketching, and everything else I want for me.

Each day is also the day the Lord made for me. I could waste it. I could find reason to shrink back. I could allow old voices tell me I’m not good enough. I could choose to please people, be nice, and live for praise. I could let regret determine my future.

In truth, I can’t do any of that. I’ve arrived, the full-blooded Nicklaus P Curfman. And, I can’t go back. My new normal is awesome because it is always forward and faithful. No more self-pity or anger. No more sitting in silence.

That’s worth celebrating.

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Nik Curfman 2/7/21 Nik Curfman 2/7/21

Journal: #199 Shouldn’t I Be Creative Too?

My Father in Heaven is the GOAT artist/creator. His breath is in my lungs. When I walk outside, I see nothing but glory and power. Shouldn’t I be creative too?

Friday night I wrote a much longer blog post about my life as an artist. It included my history, struggle, and current engagement/creative process. Then, in an instant, it was gone. (Pro-tip: Save your writing.) So now, here’s a condensed version.

Last week, on one of my walks, I thought about the differences in 2-D creative process to 3-D creative process. They are wildly different, yet I seem intent on ignoring one for the sake of the other. Somewhere in my life I picked up the idea I need to be able to draw before going on to any other kind of work. I know it’s silly, but I need to expose the lie for it’s silliness.

Whenever I try to draw or paint I can hear a thousand judgements after each stroke and line. Your perspective is all wrong. That’s not what an ear looks like. No one will like this. Who are you drawing for?

I do pat myself on the back for pushing through it lately. I like to sketch in my journal (which no one will ever read and thusly the sketches are for me.) So what if my paintings are a pile of dook? I’m never going to get any better fearing it or talking about it. But, that’s not the rub. The real rub is why don’t I make more three-dimensional works of art? It’s my first love.

Whenever I bend wire or construct a random sculpture, I experience none of the judgements I feel when I draw or paint. I love what I make. The other day, when I began work on a face, I felt nothing but joy when I stopped for the day. I couldn’t take my eyes away from what I made.

Last summer, when I decided to begin pursuing my artistic heart, I did so by painting and drawing. It was a good place to start because it’s cheap, easy, and doesn’t require a lot of space. It was also a concession. I settled for painting and drawing. I know why too. I settled for drawing and painting because I’d rather “fail” at those than sculpture.

More recently I’ve become aware of another, more sinister fear: sculpting isn’t “good enough” for the Kingdom. To be a proper Christian means I’ve got to talk about Jesus with every waking breath. The only acceptable art in the Christian world is evangelical art. Right? Smith Wigglesworth’s only book was the Bible. So I too must be that uncompromising, even within myself. Right?

Wrong. Smith Wigglesworth- though a hero of mine- sounded like an uncompromising ass. My Father in Heaven is the GOAT artist/creator. His breath is in my lungs. When I walk outside, I see nothing but glory and power. Shouldn’t I be creative too?

I’ll I know is I feel joy, hope, love, and peace when I sculpt. If we are to believe what Paul said to the Galatians isn’t what I just described the fruit of the Spirit? My question is, of course, rhetorical. When I sculpt I am doing what I see my Father doing. It’s no different than a young boy shaving his hairless face because that’s what dad does every morning.

As all these thoughts and fears, in addition to few others swirled in my mind last week, a new idea took root. What if my life, the one the Lord made for me, doesn’t look like anyone else’s? What if I don’t fit any mold? It’s a scary and tantalizing thought. The lack of a model is the scary bit. How do I know if I’m doing “it” right?

The only answer, the only way I’ll know if I’m doing “it” right, is to stick with Jesus. I’ve got to walk by faith and trust Him in all things. When my art isn’t Christian enough, I trust Him. When I create a space for people to be messy and it looks odd to a Church looking for “holiness”, I will trust Him. When I date again or buy land or invest in a new security, I will lay my life in His hands.

I can do this. I was born to do so.

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Nik Curfman 2/6/21 Nik Curfman 2/6/21

Journal: #198 It Was About Being

Today wasn’t about finding solutions or self-improvement. It was about being. Today, I enjoyed this wonderful life the Lord has given me. I didn’t need anyone else or want material things I didn’t have. The sun was out and I am happy to be alive. That’s a form of grace too.

I slept in till the late hour of 8:30 AM, then laid in bed till 9:30 AM. The bright sun beaming through my widow was a delight, so somewhere around 10:30 AM I hatched my plan.

I haven’t taken a proper hike in months. After I affirmed the weather, I deemed today the day to end that drought. I choose Burney Falls on the recent recommendation of my new friend Adam. All I needed was coffee and a smoothie. By noon, I was off.

The drive to Burney Falls was soothing and scenic. The road winds and gently climbs four-thousand feet from the valley to the Cascade mountains to the east. I didn’t rush it, because I wanted to soak in the sun and peace. The drive was only the beginning.

The falls are majestic and powerful. I loved everything about them: the green moss on the rocks, the mist of the crashing water, and towering the Douglas firs. It’s dramatic and settling in a way only nature can muster. Eventually, I put my phone down and let the moment overwhelm my senses. There’s something healing and restorative about nature, about the sky and rushing water, the rock and the mud.

As I watched the fall water down the rocks today I closed my eyes to listen to the sound of the water. I thought how great that sound is. Of all the sounds in our world, does anyone hate it? In all my life I have yet to hear anyone hate the sound of water- a flowing river, the silence of snow, or the rhythmic ocean tides.

The Lord made it this way. He made this glorious planet for us. It’s not small thing.

I had a long and trying week. I felt a lot of emotions and thought thoughts I’d rather avoid. But today, without drugs or cheap pleasure, I was renewed. I did not find all the answers to my questions or solve all the issues. And, I don’t care.

I get to live in gorgeous part of the world. In less than an hour I can hike up mountains and float down rivers. All of it a reminder that He is good and wants us to be happy. Life will happen. No need to get upset about it. ;)

Thank you Lord for this planet. Thank you for all the trees, and the tiny gray mouse I saw in the rocks today. Thank you for falling water and grace. Blessed be You Jesus.

Amen.