Walk in the Woods

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Daily Journal: #112 Progress For Me

I judge myself everyday, some days more severely than others. Today I woke up with a smile on my face, but then began to tear myself apart. My biggest problem of late is trying to navigate my general happiness. Despite what I write, the last few days I’ve felt really good. It’s unusual. I know how to be a wreck, how to be angry, and how to be mired in self-pity.

I don’t know how to enjoy life or myself.

I judge myself everyday, some days more severely than others. Today I woke up with a smile on my face, but then began to tear myself apart. My biggest problem of late is trying to navigate my general happiness. Despite what I write, the last few days I’ve felt really good. It’s unusual. I know how to be a wreck, how to be angry, and how to be mired in self-pity.

I don’t know how to enjoy life or myself.

The Need to “Get Shit Done”

I continue to battle accusations and a need to be productive. Another area of concern is my walk with Jesus. It is evolving, and my motivations shifted once I cleared my breakup. I cried this morning on my walk. Lord, I don’t want to walk away from you now that I feel better about myself. I want to stay close to you for the rest of my life. It’s easy to run to you when my heart is crushed.

Those are all statements of fear, another form of anxiety. I am judging my behavior, and I do not measure up. The truth is I am loved. I am worthy of Love. I trust the Lord. He is my Rock and my Friend, my God and King.

My value is not in list of completed activities. I am loved because I exist. I love myself because I exist. (Lord, I accept your Grace and Peace.)

A Different Standard

This week I spent considerable time working through how to set boundaries while maintaining relationships. It was not a waste of time. In fact, I need to see it as one of the most important tasks I did this week. My heart and calling is to love people. When I spend energy and time in prayer working through how to love people, I am doing what is important to me. I am doing the will of God in my life.

Loving people is my priority in life. This is where my path diverges from the norm, and my growth looks different than it does for others. My standard is not tied to money and finished work projects. By my own standard I had a great week. I did not neglect myself or my friends and family.

Grace on Grace

I love myself. I love Jesus. I love my friends and family. My standard is different, and the judgments of others do not apply to me. The old judgments I used toward myself do not apply to me. I continue to push forward into my great calling from the Lord. Grace and more grace.

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Prayers Answered: #1 COVID And A Baby

For my sake and perhaps yours, I need to keep a record. My eyes look too low too often. Prayers Answered will be a living growing documentation of the blessings and goodness of the Lord.

I decided to add a new category to my blog. Prayers Answered will be posts about the exercise of Faith (the intentional act of making room for God to be God.) I want to swim in Faith and the Glory of God. For my sake and perhaps yours, I need to keep a record. My eyes look too low too often. Prayers Answered will be a living growing documentation of the blessing and goodness of the Lord.

COVID Prayers

The most recent Coronavirus outbreak hit Redding (where I live) hard. Prior to September, I only knew of one person who contracted the virus. As of this posting ,the number now stands at 21. Most of the these people where under 40, young families. One man is in his 60’s, and the virus slammed his body.

After a week of prayer and putting him before the Lord, I am happy to report he is quickly recovering. His recovery was especially quick for the severity and duration he suffered. All we are need now is a negative test result and he’s done with it. Thank God.

Pregnancy Complications

My friend L is on her second pregnancy. Her first pregnancy was not fun, but this round is proving to be more difficult. A few weeks ago, she had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance with complications. Her doctor gave strict orders to go on bed rest and scheduled a c-section. The situation was not improving.

Then, dramatically, it did. All of the complications are gone, and L is on her feet. She is now full-term and finishing the last few projects before her child arrives.

Praise God. Prayer works.

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Abstraction: 40 Years A Gift

Like I said, I love me. And I wouldn’t be me without all that.

I paid a steep price to stand, and reflect, and love the person I see in front of me.

Indeed, without question or hesitation…I’d absolutely pay that price again.

I’m worth it.

I’m standing on my side of the mirror, to see the me I am at 40.

I’ve traded my respectable high fade for shoulder length locks.

My cheeks, once plump, seem to disappear behind my uncut beard.

I am thinner now than ever before, a symbol of something greater than a few lost pounds.

I stare into my eyes, my wonderful blue eyes, and brush the steaks of tears from my face.

I love who I am.

Standing in front of myself, I think about my life. Neither the good or the bad, I wouldn’t trade a single moment for another.

Even more, I’d do it all over again.

Every failure, every heart break, every single second of anguish and suicidal loneliness?

Yes.

I’d do it again.

Each trial and every battle is now a stone on which I rise.

I wouldn’t know what I know, have the faith I carry, or overflow with love without them.

I’d drink till I pass out, pretend to be someone I’m not, and steal food from work.

I’d drift from job to job, and date the drug addict.

I’d spend hours screaming in the dark for answers and wondering why I don’t fit in.

I’d trust the Spirit, and reject Pride.

I’d choose Love over Shame.

I’d stick to my promise to follow Him.

Like I said, I love me. And I wouldn’t be me without all that.

I paid a steep price to stand, and reflect, and love the person I see in front of me.

Indeed, without question or hesitation…I’d absolutely pay that price again.

I’m worth it.

(One of the greatest gifts of my life is to see my life as a gift. Even the messy bits polite people would rather forget.)

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Daily Journal: #111 Holding the Line

I want to maintain my friendships in a healthy, loving way. I embrace the ideas some of the dynamics were broken and need to be repaired. It takes two people to make any relationship work, and I believe the people on the other side want the same.

I was challenged this week with a few situations I’d rather avoid. The election and the ensuing hysteria is one, and maintaining boundaries is the other. Elections happen, and the hype is momentary. Finding ways to love family and friends while I love/respect myself, I find to be much tougher.

Twice this week I faced a moment to assert myself and possibly disappoint the person on the other end. Today, I went for a walk to pray through once of these situations. I felt like an asshole, as though I’m being selfish. What is my boundary? I’m asking someone I love to stop talking trash about another person I love. When I see it in words on my laptop screen, I know I’m doing the right thing.

It isn’t love to tolerate the complaints and dishonor of one human toward another.

What My Worries Are

The most obvious flaw of my feelings are I must accept the and listen to someone when they trash others. My concern is if I am vocal, and enforce a boundary of honor, I will be accused of being selfish or manipulative. It’s not true. Again, when I see the words on screen, it’s very apparently. I’m doing the right thing. I am not called to embrace the offense and resentment of others.

I want to walk and sit with people in their low moments. Friendship and love is, in part, how we embrace the struggles of our loved ones. But when someone wants to bitch and complain, and be a victim? No. That’s something else.

Still, isn’t love patient, kind, and long-suffering? What does love looks like in what I’m facing? I know I don’t have to tolerate the willful resentment someone carries, but I do not want to shame and push them away. I’m not sure what the answer is.

What I Believe

I don’t have a concrete answer of how to navigate this season of my life. What I choose to believe is I can navigate this stickiness. I’m not sure what the answers will be, I just have faith they exist. (I am probably other thinking it.) Regardless, my heart is to honor everyone involved. And I trust the Lord to give me wisdom and grace. I will not crucify myself as I know I’m doing my best.

I want to maintain my friendships in a healthy, loving way. I embrace the ideas some of the dynamics were broken and need to be repaired. It takes two people to make any relationship work, and I believe the people on the other side want the same.

My Prayer

Lord…help. I want to love myself and my friends. I lay my desires and burdens at Your feet. I accept Your peace and grace. I know I will find the loving solutions. Showers my friends with Your Love and Wisdom. Thank you Jesus.

Amen.

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Daily Journal: #110 Isolation

My challenge is to find peace in this moment, to find love and grace. My goal is to cling to the Father no matter how isolated I feel. I am loved and worth of love. My political beliefs do not disqualify me from love. I know I am not as isolated as I feel.

This moment. How I feel right now. This is what I hate about being human. As I watch my country descend into political madness, I stand on an opposite shore from so many I love and respect. I sit in silence because I fear losing them, their love, and their respect.

I put on a brave face and hold my tongue. It’s no consolation to know many in the Church have supported all types of dictators and malicious leaders. And now we have a President who has sown more fear and distrust than any other. He’s a petulant child, and many in the church are wringing their hands about it.

How weak are we? How little do we trust Jesus and listen to the Holy Spirit? I hope and pray for a church so focused and dedicated to faith, love, and the Kingdom we barely notice who is in charge. BECAUSE, IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER! We are not made righteous by our vote or who the President is. Faith is going after His presence and loving Him. Remember Matthew 6:33?! Seek first His kingdom is biggest choice we can make everyday.

My challenge is to find peace in this moment, to find love and grace. My goal is to cling to the Father no matter how isolated I feel. I am loved and worth of love. My political beliefs do not disqualify me from love. I know I am not as isolated as I feel.

My Prayer

Lord, Father of all of us. You love me, crazy Trump supporters, and ardent Trump haters. We are all your kids. I am begging you for peace and a supernatural calm to cover America. I pray for truth to shine and love to win. Jesus, come. I will not concede my country to fear and violence.

Amen.

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Daily Journal: #109 I Can’t

You have heard that it was said, “Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.” But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

This election shit finally got to me. I’ve erased this post three times. I refuse to write and post condemning words about my fellow Christian no matter how stupid their words and actions. Sometimes love looks like letting people be wrong.

How do I know I’m not wrong? Well, ultimately I don’t. And that’s the fucking difference. But, I read the Gospels every single day, the Lord of “turn the other cheek” and “love thy neighbor” does not support a President of division, conspiracy, and disrespect. Period.

“You have heard that it was said, “Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.” But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.”

That’s the post.

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Daily Journal: #108 All I Can Do Is Show Up

Today, this week, is not about feeling or incentive. When the feelings fail and loneliness arises, all I can do is show up. Maybe my emotions are beyond my control, but my thoughts and actions are not. I will love, pray, and write because I know that’s what I love to do. I will not ignore or degrade myself simply because I do not feel a great magic about myself.

Today is one of those days. This week is one of those weeks. I feel numb, and the excitement of the summer is officially in the past. I search for little encouragements where I can during the day. They are to be found in my early walks and evening prayers. I am not discouraged or afraid, rather I exist in a personal netherworld.

All of the thoughts and emotions usually associated with self-pity and despair are present, like an unwelcome guest. They sit outside my being scheming and waiting to be indulged. Despite my present awareness of these corrupt temptations, they are at arms length from my heart.

While I am aware and detached from my old enemies, I do not count motivation or inspiration among my friends. Where I am, and what I pursue is not something I am prepared to do. Regardless, my grand quest is underway, and the trailhead is at my back. I know who I am, what I value. I know where I want to be. The way is steep, and I cannot let the condition of path dictate my value of the journey. Now is my time to grind.

Today, this week, is not about feeling or incentive. When the feelings fail and loneliness arises, all I can do is show up. Maybe my emotions are beyond my control, but my thoughts and actions are not. I will love, pray, and write because I know that’s what I love to do. I will not ignore or degrade myself simply because I do not feel a great magic about myself.

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Abstraction: Stage Fright

I am proud. I am hope. I am faith.

I am the reflection of the one who Loves me.

In my breath words of life, to set the slaves free.

Fear of the stage, of all the focused eyes expecting a moment worthy of their gaze.

The sunk feeling- whatever I am, isn’t good enough to feed their need.

I am an embarrassment, a living humiliation in constant lack of good.

These are the thoughts and feelings of a child, yet they dominate the reality of a grown man.

As years turn into decades and stage after stage eluded, the boy now a man remains scared of focused attention.

But, He is the wind, the tide, and the rain.

He is the eternal force, scraping away my sorrow and pain, to expose the purpose preserved in the rock below.

I will fear no platform, no elevated stone.

If I am worthy of Him. I am worthy of me.

I am enough for anyone.

My destiny was never to be what they need, rather to always to be me.

I am proud. I am hope. I am faith.

I am the reflection of the one who Loves me.

In my breath words of life, to set the slaves free.

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Daily Journal: #107 Election? No Worries

No law from Congress with accomplish the miracle of love and grace.

Seems like most of the people around me are stressed by the election today. The choices are unappealing, but the stakes are high. Trump or Biden? Communism or fascism? Fear or fear? Don’t tell me marketing doesn’t work. Most of us genuinely believe our vote matters, God’s judgment is at hand, and the fate of our nation hangs in the balance. With absolutely love and hope in my heart I believe we are wrong.

It’s Just One Day

For starters, I’m not stressed because I’m not afraid of the future. I am also unburdened by the idea God is judging America and my vote. American is supposedly 65% Christian. That’s close to 200 million people. We have the opportunity to decide the fate of this country everyday by how we act toward our family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and adversaries. Each purchase we make is also a vote. The idea how we vote on one particular day is more important than our daily decisions is clever marketing and a lie.

Each and every single day we have the chance to increase the light and love of the Kingdom of God through faith, love, and righteousness. Whenever a moment presents itself to stand up for minorities, the poor, and the defenseless is chance to advance the Heaven on Earth.

God Is Not A Dick

Evangelical Christianity was highjacked by the Republican party in the late 60’s. It was under Richard Nixon the GOP began to tie being an American, being a Christian, and standing up of righteousness together. Since I was I child, I was told God judged America because of abortion, gays, and secular public schools. Click this link to watch some Christian conservative propaganda. Did you know? America went down hill after we removed prayer from schools?

None of this is true, but the tendency of conservative Christians to look to the Old Testament is strong. The God of the Old Testament is an angry judge. The God of the Old Testament is only interested in proper behavior. He is a religious God not unlike Greek gods.

It’s as though all of these well-intentioned people didn’t read a damn word Jesus said. For starters, Jesus says there is a “day of judgment” at the end of time. For God so loved the world…these words are forgotten. The fact the Father is patient and kind is ignored. The Father does not want a single soul to suffer. He’s not in Heaven seething at the LBGTQ community. He’s up there trying to love them where they are. It’s more important they experience His love than “stop being gay.”

No law from Congress with accomplish the miracle of love and grace.

I do not believe God is waiting to smack America down. I think He waits on every single one of us, to share a moment of love and peace. Whatever “bad” things happen to us is a result of our fallen condition, not sin. A fallen condition leads to sin. Correcting the sin does not lead to righteousness. Addressing the heart and soul, person by person, relationship by relationship leads to righteousness.

Biden Or Trump, It Doesn’t Matter

To speak directly to the election at hand, neither of these guys on the ballot is as evil as painted. Trump is insecure, selfish, and greedy. But, he’s no Hitler. I do not like the man as a leader or politician, and I don’t think he’s a racist. Joe Biden is the most moderate Democrat to run for President in my lifetime. He’s not a communist or socialist. The idea either one of the these men will lead us to some type of hell is laughable.

If anything, Joe Biden and Donald Trump are a reflection of how afraid and easily manipulated Americans have become. They are not the best candidates to lead, not even close. Trump won in 2016 because he played on the fear and pain of the people. Biden is doing the same in 2020. They have turned their opponents into a demons, and propped themselves up as saviors. It makes me sick.

Despite my opinion of either of these men, the media stokes the fires of fear more than their actions.

I’ll remind you of this, no matter who wins the Presidency, the Democratic Party will control the House, and the GOP might hold the Senate. Congress creates and passes bills to send to the President, and a split Congress will limit whoever the President is. To me, this is the best case scenario.

Lord, I hope we all chill the f-ck out. You are good, and my hope is in You.

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Daily Journal: #106 Suffering is Part of Life

People who take risks aren’t idiots. They are willing to fail and suffer because they believe whatever is on the other side is worth the trip. It’s that simple. It’s immature to believe we can avoid this journey in areas of life like marriage. It’s immature to believe we can find the “right” person. (Right meaning safe and perfect.)

Sunday, I went to a friend’s house to socialize, smoke spare ribs, and watch football. In the waning moments of Seahawks/49ers game, the group discussion turned to dating. My buddy Nathan has an upcoming date with a very colorful young lady. She is not like anyone in this group of friends, so naturally it’s cause for concern. It wasn’t long before one of the gang used a phrase that makes me cringe: red flags. The young lady at question has red flags according to this self-appointed judge. I held my tongue. Newsflash bud, everyone has red flags.

Immaturity on Display

Pain is real. Our first, yet immature, instinct is to avoid it. I will add, our desire to avoid pain is practical. As children we learn the stove is hot, ice is slick, and bad grades are unacceptable. More subtly, we are taught to do what we are told, to live lives acceptable to others, and mistakes are unacceptable. When we become adults we see failure and disappointment as blights on our souls. (She dated a deadbeat. Something must be wrong with her.) Ultimately, we learn safety is the first goal of any venture.

I spent much of my adult life trying to avoid being seen as foolish, and I hate to feel humiliated. It goes back to when I was a kid. Several times I experienced severe stage fright. Which is a bit odd when I think back on it. I didn’t have a problem being a class clown. Something about being the center of attention overwhelmed me, but off the cuff? No problem. I’ve entertained hundreds of people at football games with my in-game commentary. (Literally. I’ve had an entire section of this stadium laugh at my jokes. Multiple times. My brother and I kinda had an unofficial, totally improved comedy routine.)

My point is I once believed I could tease the pain out of my life, that I could avoid being seen as foolish, avoid public humiliation. It’s not true. I want to live a life on the edge of my being, in pursuit of Jesus. It’s uncool and likely to exact a price. So be it. I’m tired of being afraid to make mistakes. My heart was meant to be used, so what’s the point of protecting it.

Balls Out, Heart Out

The best parts of life are when we are in motion. I have rarely experienced the greatness of God sitting on my ass waiting for something miraculous to happen. I gambled multiple times in the last twelve month, and I lost everything on those bets. On paper. On paper, I lost my business partnership and suffered a heart-wrenching breakup. I opened myself to possibilities and the fruit was not what I wanted, but it was nonetheless good.

The Lord shows up and meets me when I move and put my faith on the line. Wisdom is not the avoidance of disappointment but in the acceptance of it. If we do not let disappointment beat us down, we win. Suffering is absolutely part of life. Our loved ones will die. Jobs we thought were awesome will exhaust us. And our relationship with the Lord will sour from time to time, in need of refreshment.

People who take risks aren’t idiots. They are willing to fail and suffer because they believe whatever is on the other side is worth the trip. It’s that simple. It’s immature to believe we can avoid this journey in areas of life like marriage. It’s immature to believe we can find the “right” person. (Right meaning safe and perfect.)

Grace Grace

On my walk this morning, I found a weak spot in my heart. I’ve held anger toward the person who brought up “red flags.” This person is tied up in fear, trying to be perfect. They expect perfection from a date or significant other. They can’t see the inherent flaws in that perspective. It’s easy to sit in judgment of others from the sidelines.

What my friend needs isn’t my anger but my love and prayers. I can hear the strain in their voice and the idealism dominating their heart. They apply these judgments to themself first, so I know whatever they express about others is a fraction of the dialogue of their mind. It’s a shitty place to live, wanting more but unable to move.

Lord, touch my friends with grace and patience. Break the cycle of perfection and shame. Let them see and experience the goodness of Your love. Let them know they must move. It’s dangerous, but worth it. Mistakes will be made. Worth it.

Lord, set us free from idealism and performance.

Amen.

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Daily Journal: #105 Picking the Right Words

I do not want to argue with my friend or combat her cynical perspective on life. So what do I do? Become a repository of her bullshit? I’ve done that for nearly twenty years. The data says, listening to someone bitch and complain about their life will only encourage them to bitch and complain.

2020. What a year for me, and it ain’t over. Today, and quite unexpectedly, an old friend texted me with a big question, “Why did you go silent?” It’s not the kind of question she asks. She prefers to avoid hard conversations. Our friendship is nearly twenty years old, and we’ve managed to escape direct conflict. Real friends, in my view, have hard interpersonal discussions. These exchanges typically erode or built a friendship. I see the lack of honest, vulnerable talks as a problem. I’m not sure we are strong enough to handle a difficult exchange.

What’s The Issue

I know what the issues are for me. I battle posting the details on the internet. The most polite and vague, if not tired, way to express the problem is “we’ve grown apart.” Twenty years ago we went to ministry school together. We shared common beliefs, experiences, and goals. My guess is she thought she would marry a pastor type, have kids, and wait to die. I’m not sure what I wanted or expected at age 21. (It was a rough time in my life.)

I’m 100% positive life did not go according to plan for either of us. She is still single and waiting to die alone. Every day, month, and year that passes, she seems a little more distant from the person full of dreams and hope. She acts resigned to a fate she cannot change. And, she desperately wants to be saved.

I don’t pass judgment on her for falling into hopelessness or despair. Self-pity once dominated my life, and I expected a miracle to dramatically change my reality. I saw myself as a mutant, as less than human. I looked for justification to avoid growth and humiliation.

What I cannot do, what I will not do, is indulge her self-pity and fear. Over the last three years, I intentionally tried to encourage her to pursue passions in her heart and new ways to date- apps, online services, blind dates, etc. On nearly every occasion, she finds the crack or flaw, her rationale to avoid pain.

The last few years, this dear friend has become increasingly argumentative and judgmental. She often complains about her job, clients, friends, and her church. I can’t remember the last time she expressed gratitude or optimism about anything in her life. I have a hard time watching someone become a shadow of who they were.

Like I said, I don’t know how to talk to her any more. I want to be a person of gratitude and faith regardless of circumstance. I want to be a person of love. I do not want to argue with my friend or combat her cynical perspective on life. So what do I do? Become a repository of her bullshit? I’ve done that for nearly twenty years. The data says, listening to someone bitch and complain about their life will only encourage them to bitch and complain.

Searching For The Answer

As of this writing, I do not know how I will respond to the question I was asked (why did you go silent?) I’m called to love people, and I believe I’m allowed to have boundaries. So, I’m not sure what love looks like in this scenario. She’s my friend, not my employee or my boss. I don’t know what my responsibility is toward her. Love is very patient. It is kind and long-suffering.

I think I need to lay out a new vision for our friendship, one built on encouragement and hope. It might be my best bet- to pitch an idea of what’s possible rather than hand her a scorecard of all the ways she’s falling short. I think she knows she’s in a hole. Most people know when they are in the pits and longing to be free. I don’t need to describe the walls of her personal hell.

Lord, help. I love my friend, and I think it’s time to say no more cynicism or sarcasm. Your will be done, more than anything.

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Daily Journal: #104 Fear, Lies, and Accusations

It’s increasingly clear the enemies goal with me is to pull my eyes down. If I begin to look at the cracks and weeds- to belief the lies and accusations- I’m in trouble. With my eyes down, I begin to act out of fear. I try to correct and clean myself, and exclude the wonder and goodness of God.

I took today off, like I planned. While mild compared to last Saturday, I still heard the voices. You’re not being productive. You should be working on that website for the meeting on Monday, and you know you need to get on top of the social media for (another client.) You need to draw something. Why can’t you just draw something. You haven’t read a book in a while (three days.)

Again, this was a mild case of guilt and condemnation. I did not breakdown into a puddle of emotion or give myself a pep talk at any point today. This is progress too. I affirmed myself a bit - I am not lazy. I am a hard worker. I will finish my projects. It’s ok to relax and watch a bit of football.

Walks Are Good For The Soul

After lunch, I went for a long walk in the working class neighborhood behind mine. It leads up to an industrial area on the north side of Redding. It is not a beautiful walk. Dried out weeds cover the sidewalk, while huge cracks plague the asphalt road. The rundown homes eventually give way to dull, featureless warehouses.

Despite my drab surroundings, I looked to Mount Lassen and the Cascades to my east. The setting sun created gorgeous red and violet hues against the dark mountains. I was encouraged by a simple thought. The beautiful truth of those mountain exists, regardless of what I see around me. If I step back from what consumes me I will find beauty, wonder, and peace.

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The Weapons Used Against Us

Once I turned to walk home, I began to pray. I want to be able to battle evil thoughts like those accusing me of laziness and corruption. Lord, what does it mean to have a “shield of faith.” It seems like a wonderful concept, but what does it really mean? I wanted answers, because I need the Bible to be applicable and real. I don’t want to live any version of a Christian philosophy. And, I want to be to enjoy a day off.

True to His nature, the Lord spoke directly to my heart.

A shield is used for protection from attacks, and the attacks from the enemy are always the same: lies, accusation, and fear. Faith is giving Me the space to be Me. To use your shield of faith, call the enemy out then say “I expect the Lord to do something in this situation.”

When the enemy comes to you, he is always lying(of lacking character), always accusing you (of being lazy), always trying to push you to act our of fear (not faith.) Your words are your shield. Speak the truth of your being and My promises. (You are not lazy or crooked. You are may enjoy the day. You are not going to backslide into being fat and alone. You are worthy of love and respect. Your are enough. I will show up and shower you with grace and peace. And, I will beat his ass.) Watch him run. Over time, your mind will be renewed and your heart will not suffer this accusation or fear.

The Eternal Truth Beyond What I See

There is an eternal truth about Nik beyond this moment of transition. I think I appear to be drifting through life, directionless even. But, that’s not true. I am not a neglected neighborhood. My streets are not in need of repair, and I am not boring. It’s true, I am no finished product. I do not possess wealth or a career, or a house. But, I am a man. I am strong and confident man. I dare to love people and be a source of grace and hope.

It’s increasingly clear the enemies goal with me is to pull my eyes down. If I begin to look at the cracks and weeds- to believe the lies and accusations- I’m in trouble. With my eyes down, I begin to act out of fear. I try to correct and clean myself. I exclude the wonder and goodness of God.

In this season I am learning what faith is and what it isn’t. Faith is a doing. It is words spoken with expectation and hope. It is perseverance in the face of failure. It is allowing God to be God, and a trust He knows best. It’s believing Him, and showing up everyday to receive what He has to give. This is the Way.

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