Walk in the Woods

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Daily Journal: #103 Exhausted and Confused Faith

I will close no door, and I will continue to walk down the path ahead of me. I trust the Lord to lead me, and I trust Him to lead whoever I marry. That’s what I want my life to be, an eternal place of trusting Him- in all things.

Today, just over an hour ago, I drove to the house of my former girlfriend to deliver her yoga mat and prep knife. (I hate the term ex-girlfriend.) The reason for the tardy return of her items is more practical than you might think. I took her knife, and one of mine, to be professionally sharpened in San Francisco exactly one week before the quarantine. I got them back via USPS Wednesday, nearly eight months later. Such is life in the times of COVID-19.

As I turned off Eureka Way onto Willis, I felt my heartbeat in my throat. “What if this is it?” I wondered. These objects resting on my passenger seat were the last ties I had to her. After this, I have no practical reason to see her other than desire. I do desire to see her. I love her. She’s my friend, even now. But, we haven’t spoken in weeks. Whatever flickering longings I’ve held are near death. The closer I got to her house, the more sadness flooded my heart.

The Dilemma

Every time I read scripture like “ask and you shall receive,” she comes to mind, which is a cause for conflict. What do I want? Do I want God’s best for my life? (HINT: Yes and always.) Or do I stand on what is still hiding in my heart, my desire for her? I’ve been in this place before. I tend to have strong emotions and attachments. Strong emotions are real but not always in line with what’s good or what’s best.

I planned to drop by her house unannounced on purpose. I knew she wouldn’t be there, and her absence afforded me the opportunity to be an emotional wreck. Soon after I made my delivery, I set my tears free and prayed, “Lord, what do I do?” I fell in love with a wonderful human, full of love and kindness, intelligence and compassion, and…immature and flawed. I do not want to go back to dating the woman I knew in May. She was judgmental and afraid. (For the record, I don’t want to be me from May either. I neglected myself and tried to be superman. I struggled with judgment as well.)

In addition to all of my objections, I have one huge requirement for my girlfriend. I need her to want to date me, and appreciate me as I am. I’m not sure she was ever fully on board, and I definitely don’t want a codependent relationship. I’m confident in my strength and ability in a relationship to work through the unavoidable pains and strain.

What I Want

I’m not sure she’ll ever text me again, if we’ll remain friends (as I wrote this post, she texted to say thank you.) The idea I could or should want more from her is idealistic. But isn’t that what faith is? Wanting and expecting what isn’t seen? Yes, and no.

What my heart truly wants is a good relationship with an amazing women. I believe in that. I also believe every relationship is about two people doing what they can to be together. It’s not about one or the other. It’s not my job to carry a woman and let her insecurities drag us down- a common characteristic of every previous relationship of mine. No more.

I want strength. I want passion. I want confidence. I refuse to accept the idea women are weaker than men, and we (men) are designed to be super heroes. I’m awesome and I want to date an amazing woman, one who embraces their awesomeness. I’ve seen it in my former girlfriend at her best (or close to it.) It could be her.

The Best Solution I Got

I’m not looking for perfection or a “total package” (as if people are manufactured products.) I needed to say that. I’m looking for a woman running after her best life, secure in her identity as a daughter of the Creator King. That’s what I’m doing. It’s what I value. At 40, I’m looking for an empowered woman with enough gumption to own who she is and be brave enough fight her fears.

As I prayed today, I felt peace settle on my heart. I trust the Lord and will not fear the future, any future. A girlfriend, a wife, is about so much more than basic desire. I’ve watched perfect couples divorce, and terrible couples turn into soulmates. I will close no door, and I will continue to walk down the path ahead of me. I trust the Lord to lead me, and I trust Him to lead whoever I marry. That’s what I want my life to be, an eternal place of trusting Him in all things.

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Daily Journal: #102 I Get Why Old People Are Angry

Naturally, I am baffled when I watch a beloved friend choose the long away around the mountain or give in to base desires or fears. Don’t they know there’s a better way? The apparent answer is “No”. They don’t.

The older I grow, the younger people seem. I can’t keep up with their cultural shifts, fads, and trends. The newest slang sores over my head, and don’t bother to keep up with music any more. It’s too much, but the kids themselves are amazing. Whatever we think of the younger generations, they are making different decisions than we did. It’s for the best. They are using less drugs than ever, committing less crime, and waiting longer to have sex resulting in less teen pregnancy.

It would appear as though they looked at how miserable and self-destructive the Boomers, Gen-Xers, and early Millennials are and decided not to indulge every impulse. (I consider myself half Gen-X, half Millennial.) Bravo to them. Of course, they have issues like any group of people will. Every group of young people tend to be burdened with unrealistic expectations and entitlement. I suspect time will beat it out of them soon enough.

Immaturity

I alluded to this in my Friendship post earlier this week, and will now dive deeper into it. One problem every young person suffers is a lack of maturity. (While I generally stay away from sweeping statements about large groups of people, I stand by this claim.) And, I see immaturity as nothing more than a person trying to be something or someone they are not ready to be. Immaturity is an incomplete projection of the self, usually made obvious by the attached pride, anger, and/or judgement. We see this when someone is unwilling - at any age- to ask for help. Or whenever someone is willing to toss aside a relationship or career opportunity due to impatience.

Personally, I had to learn to relax and chill the f-ck out. Life isn’t that serious, and the sun will rise tomorrow. The frustrations and disappointments which threw me into a frenzy in my late 20’s and early 30’s are now minor annoyances. And thank God for that. I do not claim to be the most mature person in any room, but I am not the least. I’ve grown and possess real wisdom. Again, thank God.

Why Old People Are Angry

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No blog post written by someone like me will contain all of the factors related to elderly anger. I assume they have many reasons to be pissed including but not limited to- old age itself, their decaying bodies, Fox News, the weather, the ever increases prices of goods and services, loneliness, that damn racket, and the weather (again.) But I do have some insight into why they might be upset with younger folks. It’s an easy trap to trip, and I wanted to avoid it. I do not want to be the old man who screams at clouds.

The older and wiser I become the more obvious the answers appear to common human problems. Boundaries are good. Self-care is essential. Water good. Walks good. Alcohol for people suffering anxiety and depression is bad. Impulse is not a virtue. Life happens one day at time, so establish the habits to be your best self. And, on and on. Naturally, I am baffled when I watch a beloved friend choose the long away around the mountain or give in to base desires or fears. Don’t they know there’s a better way? The apparent answer is “No”. They don’t.

Here’s a real example from last week:

A mid-20’s friend will likely marry his girlfriend next spring, and good for them. They seem like a good fit. Last week, while he discussed his future finances, this young friend began to softly complain about “not having enough money.” I had to sit on my tongue. It took a moderate amount of self-control to layoff his ridiculous claim. He and his future wife make in excess of six figures, and they have no debt. They do not lack money. He wants more than he needs.

What I did was casually mention how he could “live in apartment for a few years to save up for a house,” when the market cools, thus saving on his mortgage payment. He did not want to hear it. My friend wants to get married, buy a house, start having kids, and he wants it all now. So he will. Painfully, he will. On no planet is he prepared for his desires, and he lacks the wisdom to plan them out. He will learn the hard way.

My Personal Growth

Previously, I would’ve taken the brush-off by my soon to be neck-deep-in-marriage friend as a personal offense. How dare that sonofabitch disregard my blatant wisdom? I’m more mature than that now. In the not too distant future, this wonderful man will need and seek wisdom- hopefully sooner than later. And, I may be one of the people he turns to on the occasion. (And, perhaps not me. Either way, he needs wisdom to be successful in this endeavor.) I will be in his corner no matter what comes. My love for him doesn’t depend on how he treats me.

I love my younger (and old) friends. My joy isn’t to pester them with my opinions or experience. My joy is in sharing life with them, the great and the sad. It’s an honor to be part of anyone’s life, and I will not undervalue it. Maturity sees beyond the moment to the field of possibilities, and it doesn’t look for affirmation of itself. Maturity is confident and eternally hopeful. Age has nothing to do with age.

(In the words of The Who, I hope I die before I get old.)


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Abstraction: What I Deny Myself

I deny myself the touch I most long to feel, because I assume He feels the same way about me as I do.

Thankfully, He does not.

No judgement I may level or feeling I feel is as real as His love for me.

Once, twice, and a third loop I made around the dusty gravel parking lot.

Out of habit I continued to march, and search without aim for an answer.

Between the low hum of the highway beyond the road and the crunch of gravel below, I mumbled a tired prayer.

Then my thoughts turned dark, as the day began to fade behind mountains and her friends.

I felt cut off from the One I long to love, and my heart burdened by sorrow.

This seemed to be the perfect setting for my state of being.

Though surrounded by beauty, I am featureless and gray, tinged with sad regret. My highest purpose is to be used by others when they need me.

My life reduced to the tasks I complete and the promises I keep, “What am I worth?” I wonder.

He answered softly, “I am always in you. It is you who judges you and dismisses Me.”

“When you deny your worth, you punish yourself. And we suffer the disconnect you imagine now.”

“But I am still, and always, here with you.”

For the first time, I looked up.

The stars now awake, began to light their lamps for the evening show. The grief of the day replaced by the splendor of a starry night sky.

This is why I show up to dusty parking lots on the backside of nowhere.

To find my way back to Him, through the pain and self-pity, until my hand is holding His.

Whatever distance I sense is the punishment I inflict when I feel I am not worthy.

I deny myself the touch I most long to feel, because I assume He feels the same way about me as I do.

Thankfully, He does not.

No judgement I may level or feeling I feel is as real as His love for me.

As an ancient poetically once wrote:

“I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God.”

Amen.

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Daily Journal: #101 My Guide To Politics

I asked myself “what’s most important” in 2012, and it brought everything into focus. My answer is Life. Life is the most important thing. My life, your life, my neighbor’s life, the immigrants, the unborn, the convict, the trans kid, the old black lady, the atheist, the Muslim, all the plants, animals, and the land…are all important. We are all God’s inspired creation. Once I had my answer, I was able to center my political beliefs.

This blog is my place of solitude. It is my space to discuss life and the faith required to run after God. I love pounding the keys and the moment I click ‘Submit.’ You may have noticed I tend to stay away from current events, culture, and politics. The internet is already stocked with hot takes, memes, and a myriad of opinions. To be frank, I am not interested in those discussions.

So it makes perfect sense for me to write a Guide to Politics.

What is Good?

Many people seem to vote against one candidate as oppose to voting for a candidate. This is literally the dumbest rationale on the planet, and it is why we have a hypocritical government. We don’t vote out of hope or vision. We vote out of fear. Donald Trump won the election in 2016 because Hillary Clinton was a terrible candidate. How do I know? Because, I asked Trump voters why they voted for Trump. A surprising number of them responded “I couldn’t vote for Hillary” or “I would’ve voted for Bernie.” That’s astounding.

I refuse to accept this as our only option. So, I’ll start with the ‘why’. And do to that, I’ll determine what we value. Here is a simple but powerful question: What is your most important thing in life? It may take time to narrow it down, but it’s there. We all have one thing above all else.

I asked myself “what’s most important” in 2012, and it brought everything into focus. My answer is Life. Life is the most important thing. My life, your life, my neighbor’s life, the immigrants, the unborn, the convict, the trans kid, the old black lady, the atheist, the Muslim, all the plants, animals, and the land…are all important. We are all God’s inspired creation. After I had my answer (my why), I was able to center my political beliefs.

Important Questions

My answer isa bit broad, and yours may be more specific. I advise you remove politics from your mind- somewhat hard to do, but try. Your answer could be family, or education, or church, or freedom. There is no wrong answer. The next step is aligning your political beliefs with your values. Use the following to guide you:

  1. Question: What’s the most important thing to me? Try to make this about you and not a projection of what you think is good.

  2. Question: How does this apply to other people? What do I want for them? Again, try to stay away from politics at this point. Example: If you believe family is the most important part of life, what do you want for your family and what do you want for others?

  3. Challenge: Let’s take this a step further. All too often we are caught in a scarcity mindset. It leads us to believe some people must suffer, and we need to protect our own. Take scarcity off the table. What if, as He says, God can ‘supply all our needs in riches and glory?’ Now redo #3. If you had the faith to believe God is a good God, what do you want for other people? If their life doesn’t affect yours, what do want them to have? HINT: You should want for others what you have for yourself.

  4. Question: Are my values congruent with my political beliefs? In my situation, I had to make some changes. For example, while I am no lover of government run healthcare schemes, citizens in South Korea, Japan, Canada, Australia, Germany, the UK, and New Zealand all live longer than the average American. And they pay less for it. Something has to give.

    If I say life is important, but sellout to a corrupt private medical system, what am I doing? (Maybe? Socialized medicine isn’t so bad? Private companies decided what treatments and procedures they will pay for. We already have death panels.)

  5. The snag. Once you begin to define what is important to you, you may find yourself in a political wasteland. I did. I have no party. I am a pro-life, pro-environment, anti-death penalty, pro-equal rights, pro-freedom, pro-immigrant, anti-prohibition, anti-corrpution capitalist, pro-gun Christian white man. I do not fit the mold of a conservative, liberal, socialist, or libertarian.

  6. The solution. Know your values. Know your issues. Vote for a candidate(s), for your hopes. Stop voting your fears.

Am I being naive? No, I am not. The country we have today is direct reflection of compromised values and the projection of fear. And all I am asking is for you, dear reader, to vote out of faith and hope. If that leads you to Donald Trump, so be it. I don’t understand that, but I will respect it. (Same for Biden.) Moreover, take this guide with you into the future. Use it in every election, including primaries. Donald Trump and Joe Biden are not the two best candidates available. We got them because we vote our fears.

It’s time to take a stand, one person at a time.

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Abstraction: Sun and Stars

In the sun we do, and under the stars we dream. Always surrounded by His majesty.

What an honor and delight to be alive, to experience the blessing of a universe packed with life and wonder.

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She is a consistent reminder of His faithfulness.

Churning and burning for us, she showers us with life and warmth.

Our life an extension of her own. Our ancient sun, the sustainer of life.

As one blessing fades with the day, another is reviled. Glory to Glory.

As one sun hides behind the turn of Earth, a million suns come to play.

They dance and shine, each one a light of the night. In unison, a display of His creative mind.

In the sun we do, and under the stars we dream. Always surrounded by His majesty.

What an honor and delight to be alive, to experience the blessing of a universe packed with life and wonder.

Thank you, Father.

 

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Daily Journal: #100(!) What Friendship Is

Yes. I’m comparing myself to Jesus. I want to be like Him, and that includes loving people when they aren’t being their best selves, when they hide and punish their hearts, and when they desert me. It’s called love, and I will be patient.

Let’s begin my stating early, friendship is a continuum. The continuum ranges and changes as we grow as people and experience life. I’m not sage when I say this. It is science, and nearly intuitive. When we are young we choose friend because- I like red trucks and you like red trucks, so let’s be friends. A bit older still we choose friends based on a common goals or beliefs- I am a Clemson Tiger, you are a Clemson Tiger, we should be friend. Strong friendships, those that last, tend to form out of shared experience- when character is tested.

It appears as though the older we grow, the more discriminate we become. I know I have, and yet not. For 15-20 years, I was particularly picky about who I let into “my inner circle.” I looked for people of depth and compassion. But really, the two defining characteristics they all held were: they praised me, and could handle me at my worst. Basically, they did not think I was a piece of shit.

What I’ve Learned

Three years ago the Lord challenged me to stop being picky about my friendships. He said I did not need to have the same depth and closeness with each person I deemed worthy of me. I didn’t know it then, but this little commandment was the beginning of a dramatic shift in my life. As I allowed some friendships to hang out in the shallow end of the spectrum and others to ebb and flow beyond my control, I began to decrease my need for and dependence on affirmation.

The reason this is important is because I lived off the affirmation of other people. I needed my friends to tell me what career to choose or introduce me to new people. Most importantly, I needed my friends to constantly build me up, to praise me. I did not believe in me, and so the words of others meant everything to my broken heart.

Fast forward to 2020, and some of the final chains of insecurity finally broke from my heart and mind. I started to affirm myself and believe in my own awesomeness. Almost over night friends are no longer what I need, but those I get to love.

I first noticed this shift in my heart in early August. While at a party a few friends complimented my weight loss. I was stunned by my internal response. Politely I gave them a smile-filled thank you, but inside it meant nothing. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate their kind words, I just didn’t need it. I am eating well and losing weight for me, not them.

I want to remain humble at all times, so I don’t intend to be arrogant when I say I didn’t need their kind words. What I mean to say is now that I do not seek the affirmation of others, it seems odd when I receive it. Regardless, I no longer burden my friendships with my need for love and acceptance. It is a freedom we all need.

This new freedom enables me to be in the moment, rather than judging the moment. It also allows me to take each friendship at its own pace. The lack of expectation is a real blessing. I don’t feel entitled to anything and therefore feel nothing but gratitude when someone reaches out to say hello or invites me over for dinner.

Most importantly, I no longer see the faults in others as slight toward me. Every single relationship as an arc based on the mental, emotional, and spiritual reality of the people in them. Each person contributes something to a friendship. I now know and have confidence in what I bring to each person I love. And, I do not take personal responsibility for anyone’s flaws. Those flaws are not mine to carry or fix. (But, I am willing to walk with anyone willing to face their bullshit.)

Lingering Frustration

It’s a lie to think I’ve got it all figured out. I do not. I’d love to be the ant in the carpet to listen to my roommate talk candidly about his experience of me. The things is, I can’t correct what I don’t know is broken. The best I can do is create an atmosphere of empathy and honest communication.

My current frustrations center around wanting to save people from immature and self-destructive decisions. I wish I could download my experience and wisdom into the hearts and brains of some of these friends. They’d realize they don’t have to delay joy or live in a state of victimhood. I’m sure many people thought similar thoughts when they watched me walk into traps and deserts.

It’s tough to watch our friends live beneath what’s within their grasp. It’s like choosing to eat garbage in the back alley when everything in the restaurant is delicious and free. It is in this moment, full of frustration, I find my highest calling as a friend- to endure and persist as others grow and mature. Jesus did it for His disciples. Why can’t I?

Yes. I’m comparing myself to Jesus. I want to be like Him, and that includes loving people when they aren’t being their best selves, when they hide and punish their hearts, and when they desert me. It’s called love, and I will be patient.

(Most of my friendships are rock solid. I am blessed to know some of the best people on Earth, and I’m human. I still battle, at times, my tendency to see what isn’t going well. I feel like I look for reasons to tear myself down. In these moments, I do things like focus on suffering friendships. I’m working on it.)

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Daily Journal: #99 People vs Tasks

I reluctantly admit, we need task people. And I must accept there is nothing wrong with them. I suppose…they are capable of love, compassion, and grace. Most people are not an extreme version of a thing; therefore, most task oriented folks are also perfectly loving, considerate people. Similarly, most people-lovers (like yours truly) are not useless blobs of emotions and sap.

I love to believe I know what’s best for people. Most of us do- believe our world view and opinions are more valid than those of the person next to us. At our worst, we judge those who hold views and beliefs different than our own. I judged people different than me.

Thankfully, 2020 broke my knowing and arrogance. I do not know what’s best for people. This breaking is one of the great blessings of this year. It removed burdens I carried to “fix” other people and their obvious flaws. One of the hardest moments of the last twelve months came when I realized some people are just different, and there’s nothing wrong with them.

We Need Each Other

I am a people person, a recently discovery. Now that I see it, it feels like the most obvious truth about me. While I am an introvert, I’d rather be with people than not. I am less interested in the activity. It is immaterial. I don’t care if we paint a bathroom, run errands, or watch TV. The occasion to be with another person and share life is enough for me. (It is not the first time I discovered something about myself to be the opposite of what I thought was true.)

Sitting across the table from me (us, if you are also a people person too), is the task oriented person. The bane of my existence. These people believe in doing things, and people are a bonus. My old business partner is a task person. He is willing to put himself and others through hell, if the task is worth doing. I am not.

In truth, the world needs task people. Task people get things done. They build roads, create new businesses, discover new medicines, and lead armies into battle. They find joy in the doing of life, and they lack a need to be accepted. (They can also be psychopaths. Those who lack empathy and love are usually end up destroying the lives around them.)

I reluctantly admit, we need task people. And I must accept there is nothing wrong with them. I suppose…they are capable of love, compassion, and grace. Most people are not an extreme version of a thing; therefore, most task oriented folks are also perfectly loving, considerate people. Similarly, most people-lovers (like yours truly) are not useless blobs of emotions and sap.

Lovers Living in a Task World

One of the chief difficulties of life in western culture is we espouse champions, creators, CEO’s, and “tough” politicians. We love people who “get shit done.” Not only do we elevate these people, we prop up their processes and habits. We- the people lovers- try to live like task people. And, we are f-cking miserable.

Just today, I discussed what it’s like to live in the task culture with my best friend Blake. He’s like me, a people person. We talked about Olympic athletes, how they envision standing on the medal podium. They set their sites on that lofty goal and go after it. This is not how we live life.

I don’t know how to see five years into the future or envision myself on a podium. Most of my favorite life moments are not moments of achievement. And, I am normally at odds with myself when I try to conform to a life of accomplishment. The problem is not that I am not entirely a people-lover. I’d like a house and a family. I want to see the world and eat its food.

I need to find a way to love people and get things done. One is natural. The other is not. And, I refuse to allow myself to sink because I’m not good at something. Being a people-lover means I get to love myself. In as an act of self-love, I will continue to pursue the tasks in my heart to complete…even if I don’t experience some kind of high when I check off the box.

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Daily Journal: #98 My Friend Failure

Success is largely how we handle failure. In the past, failure was a signal of my self-worth, not a teacher or a friend. Now I have the benefit of something else. Of course I will fail, that’s life. I will continue to fail, to fall down, to fall short, to disappoint. Each time, I will rise and try again. These moments are a chance to learn and grow. It’s something else. I believe we call it wisdom.

Cafe Prohibition

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In the fall of 2016, I started a pop-up food business called Cafe Prohibition. The concept was something like Loro in Austin, Texas. I wanted to marry flavors of the American south with delicious Asian ingredients. Week after week I worked long hours, eventually moved from my apartment kitchen to a cake shop willing to host me, and constantly changed the menu to find something people craved. I also managed the marketing, food prep, and cooking. So naturally…Cafe Prohibition failed.

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I supported myself while I ran Cafe Prohibition with several side jobs. I ran social media for a local fitness company, managed a software integration project for a non-profit, and picked up shifts with Odell Craft BBQ. I did all this to invest my profits from Cafe Prohibition back into the business.

All of my effort seemed like a waste. Sales never got better. And as my business sank, I began to feel the suffocating judgement of failure. By the late summer of 2017, I was suicidal. (Not a joke.) I hated myself and my life. It was an emotional and metal hell.

Laughing At The Pain

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This morning, while I walked with Jesus, I remembered Cafe Prohibition. I laughed at the ridiculous process I put myself through each week: shopping for the ingredients, prepping all the dishes, sauces and garnishes, THEN transferring everything from my apartment kitchen to the cake shop kitchen. (Why? Because they wouldn’t let me prep in their kitchen.) Once I set up in the cake shop, I served my food to the handful of customers willing to eat it, cleaned the kitchen, and packed my car to go home.

I created Cafe Prohibition because I am a talented cook, and it made sense. I have the experience, skill set, etc. What I didn’t have turned out to be the most crucial piece. At no point did I love it, my heart was never in it. I found no joy in the work or the process.

Cafe Prohibition is what happens when I do what other people tell me to do. It is the result of living in denial of what my heart wants.

And yes, I laugh about it now. I laugh because of the crazy dishes we created- puff pastry stuffed with butter chicken, corn batter waffles, and “korean” mac n cheese. Mostly, I find humor in the whole endeavor. Why did I ever think I’d be successful? I never liked the restaurant business. Like never ever. At best it was a way to make money while I was in college or ministry school.

Thankful For Failure

I have tried many different careers and jobs, and failed at nearly every one of them. Take a stroll with, while I tick them off:

  1. Dropped out of college after my freshman year.

  2. Dropped out of ministry school in my second year.

  3. Quit a warehouse job.

  4. Fired from a bartending job (because I wanted Father’s Day off.)

  5. Dropped out of community college.

  6. Back-to-back horrid dating relationships.

  7. Quit three restaurant jobs in a year.

  8. Failed to develop my video production business.

  9. Quit a sale gig for a fish company.

  10. Last in sales for a tech company.

  11. Last in sales for another tech company.

  12. The aforementioned Cafe Prohibition failure.

  13. Quit working for another tech company…sales ain’t my thing.

  14. Another break up. It wasn’t an abusive relationship, which kinda made it hurt worse than the others.

  15. Dissolved and left a business partnership.

  16. Weight issues.

  17. Money problems.

  18. Mental and emotional issues.

  19. Lack of self-worth.

As I look at that list I smile and laugh. This isn’t a comprehensive list, but it represents is what I didn’t want or wasn’t ready to receive. Accordingly, this list of failures does not include my wins. It does not include all the successful friendships I’ve made, or the weight I’ve lost. Despite several dropouts, I eventually graduated from college in 2013. And how could it tell the story of my current life, the one where I embrace who I am and walk with Jesus?

No. I am not my failures. I am not a failure.

The Joy of Failure

Until recently, whenever I heard someone say “I don’t have any regrets,” I thought they were full of shit. No one is perfect. How can they have no regrets? I thought they were lying or narcissistic. I was loaded with regrets and constantly expressed them. If I could go back I would… From my perspective it wasn’t possible to live without regret, but it is.

Regret is for people who don’t learn. It is for victims and the powerless. How do I know? I was a victim of life, powerless to change what came. I learned from each failure, mainly how to protect myself. Part of the greatness of God is in how he can take anyone and flip the narrative. It doesn’t happen all at once, but is the work of daily pursuit of the Kingdom. That’s what happened to me.

I didn’t wake up one day to feel dramatic perspective in the way I judged my life. My shift happened over time and was the slow work of love.

There is a moment available to every Christian if we choose to dig deep into the Lord. It’s a glorious moment when we see all the ashes of past failure as fertilizer for new growth. He wastes nothing- not a single moment of shame, pain, or humiliation. And in the end, we can laugh at it. The failed relationships gave me the space to grow and develop into a better partner. All of my work in sales and marketing are useful as I begin to embrace my heart to love people. And all my experience in the restaurant business will enable me to eat well. (And thank God for that, and enduring gift.)

Success is largely how we handle failure. In the past, failure was a signal of my self-worth, not a teacher or a friend. Now I have the benefit of something else. Of course I will fail, that’s life. I will continue to fail, to fall short, and disappoint. Each time, I will rise and try again. These moments are a chance to learn and grow. It’s the process of wisdom.

Lord, thank you for your Grace and Redemption. I’m so glad my past is full of gold. Thank you for sticking with me through all the ups and downs, and continuing to be with me.

I commit my hand to stay clamped to Yours.

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Daily Journal: #97 Jesus Is Greater Than We Know

No matter what my shortcomings are, the ways of the Kingdom are always at hand. I see the insecurity of Peter in my past, the pride of the Sons of Thunder in my actions, and battered emotions of Thomas might as well be my own. And yet…Jesus is asking me to have faith, to love, to answer His call on my life.

How great is that?

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Jesus is greater than we think He is. I realize it is a very Christian-ese thing to write. Of course He is, what else would I say? Hear me out.

Our beloved Messiah made many high-minded statements including “if you have faith for this mountain to move, it will move,” and “seek and you will find, knock and the door shall be opened, ask and it shall be given.” It is these sentiments we gravitate toward, but most of us do not walk in these realities.

Most of us settle for less as Christians. We accept the mountain as immovable and the doors are always locked. We believe a powerful faith is beyond us because we are not special. And yet, none of these promises come with a qualifier. Jesus didn’t say faith and extreme love are reserved for clergy or mystics.

Faith Requires Courage

I heard a new phrase the other day and it resonated in my bones: miracle opportunity. The phrase would’ve offended me a few years ago, but not now. I want all the God I can stuff into each and every day. Instead of seeing life as a series of tragic moments, I can create room for God to be God. Life has certainly presented a number of miracle opportunities lately.

In the last two weeks alone a number of friends have been hospitalized or diagnosed with a severe illness, including cancer and COVID-19. Not too lone ago I would’ve taken all this “bad news,” some kind of burden, as though it were up to me to fix them. (What an odd thought process.) Today, I see all of these difficult situations as miracle opportunities, mountains to be moved.

One friend has battled COVID-19 for an extended time. I haven’t seen them in weeks, and my heart aches when they text updates. Regardless, when I pray for them I pray with hope and expectation. I believe in their complete healing and recovery. Nothing less.

I don’t think faith is feeling or dramatic happening. It is the willingness to do, to move, to ask and persist.

The Endurance of Jesus

The disciples weren’t the cream of the crop, but they are who Jesus wanted. (For example, why Jesus didn’t ask John the Baptist to follow him?) He loved them with the kind of patience and persistence we expect from a Savior.

Consider the following. Peter was a flakey deserter. John and James were focused on status and their egos, and Thomas was so traumatized by the death of Jesus, he refused to believe resurrection was possible. Despite all of these serious flaws, Jesus confronted their shortcomings with love and patience.

But it’s more than that. Jesus pursued these guys. He knew Peter would wilt in the face of persecution. He knew John and James had douche bag tendencies. And He was willing to get in Thomas’ face to demonstrate the reality of resurrection. Jesus never gave up.

Jesus sought, knocked, and asked. He moved mountains. He has only asked us to trust Him. And since He told us to seek, knock, ask, and move mountains, guess what? We can seek, knock, ask, and move mountains.

No matter what my shortcomings are, the ways of the Kingdom are always at hand. I see the insecurity of Peter in my past, the pride of the Sons of Thunder in my actions, and battered emotions of Thomas might as well be my own. And yet…Jesus is asking me to have faith, to love, to answer His call on my life.

How great is that?

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Abstraction: Greater Than We Know

Every single disciple He called, loved, and trained, deserted Him. In His darkest hour, not one remained. Even still, upon His return from death, Jesus went to be with them.

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Peter pledged his undying devotion and loyalty, a grand gesture of his virtue. But Jesus knew. Peter would blow with the breeze, the power of his words to vanish in the face of fear and death.

James and John, their egos and need to sit atop a hierarchy on display, didn’t understand. Jesus didn’t come to serve the pride of man.

And Thomas, our eternal example, his pain so great, lost his faith. How many of us are the same- trauma shaping our fate?

Every single disciple He called, loved, and trained, deserted Him. In His darkest hour, not one remained. Even still, upon His return from death, Jesus went to be with them.

This is the greatness of Jesus, the Father’s Love promise. Whatever we are and what we do, He remains.

The Incredulity of Saint Thomas by Caravaggio is one of my favorite paintings. I identify with Thomas, the look on his face as his doubt is confronted by the truth of the risen Jesus. More recently I find peace in the face of Jesus. I know now, He i…

The Incredulity of Saint Thomas by Caravaggio is one of my favorite paintings. I identify with Thomas, the look on his face as his doubt is confronted by the truth of the risen Jesus. More recently I find peace in the face of Jesus. I know now, He is content to address our weakness. He is patient and kind to heal our battered hearts, and renew our broken minds.


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Daily Journal: #96 Engaging the Lord Without Sorrow

My previous nature would force me to consider my current situation with fear. I am no longer in crisis, so what now? How do I talk to God if I’m not immediately about to burst? Well…we can talk about something else I suppose. What a crazy concept.

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This summer I battle through a break-up and the dissolution of a business partnership. The defining moments happened on back-to-back days. In a way, it’s almost Biblical. I laugh when I think about it now. In a matter of months I went from “knowing” what my future was to a blank slate. I went back to the start.

The pain I endured was like being tossed by the tide of an angry ocean. The waves of sadness overwhelmed me over and over. The business break-up was in the works, but the end of a relationship I longed to continue? That hurt my heart. Despite her flaws, I wanted her.

I knew I couldn’t fix myself, or isolate in a hole until I felt better. Nope. I was bleeding and needed the Doctor. Thankfully the Lord was with me, and I leaned into Him. Each morning I went to walk with Him, and cried my heart out in the woods. My community, once again, rallied to my side. Day after day, they reached out to listen, encourage, and love me. (If I needed more proof of God’s goodness, I have it by way of my community.)

Moving On

My life is on a different path now than ever before, because I am a different person than I was a year ago. Gone are most of the limiting beliefs related to my self-worth. I finally embrace who I am and what’s important to me. And, I am going after what I want in life one day at a time. But most importantly, I will continue to walk with Jesus.

Of all the developments of the last six years- since I moved to California- my decision to run after the Lord is biggest. It is not a series of magical spiritual experiences. What I have is a real relationship with the God of the universe. It’s like getting to drink everyday rather than trying to make it to the next oasis.

Shifting Motivation

In the interest of honesty, my motivation shifted. It was easy to seek the Lord this summer when my reality burned down around me. I was desperate to live and make sense of the ashes. And now? The desperation is gone. I moved forward. I might even describe my recent disposition as content. I am not in a hurry, no fires to water.

Early in October the Lord made a prophetic request. “Stick with me,” He commanded. I knew why He said it, instantly. I didn’t need an explanation. In previous moments of life when I chose to run to the Lord I eventually wandered away. I took control of my future once I found stable ground. I know this pattern, and I am desperate to defeat it.

It is a new reality for me, to go to the Lord without a mass of pain and shame in my chest. Yes, I still experience anxiety and sadness. You may click back through my posts to read about it. Overall thought, the sorrow I feel is blunted, an echo of what I’ve knew. I believe in me, my present, and my future. I live in a new world.

The New World

My previous nature would force me to consider my current situation with fear. I am no longer in crisis, so what now? How do I talk to God if I’m not immediately about to burst? Well…we can talk about something else I suppose. What a crazy concept.

The lack of compulsion or desperation creates a new opportunity. Last summer, I prayed for myself a whole bunch. I got around to other people on occasion. Now I find more space to pray for my friends, family, my city, the elections, etc. This is the progression I hoped would come. The Lord showered me with grace and love for multiple reasons, and today I have the ability to think about others again.

It’s a new world- one without the burden of self-pity or shame. I’m still trying to find my way in it.

Lord, I love you. I’m not quite sure how to live without being introspective and sad, but I’m willing to discover it. I know tough times will return, moments of sorrow and pain. That’s life, but I’m grateful I know you will be there beside me.

A-men.

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Daily Journal: #95 Ease Up A Bit, Eh?

I’ll rob myself of joy and peace if I burden today with what I think I need to be. I choose to believe, deep in my bones, I’m going to meet someone who loves me as I am. The best I can do is dive deeper into what it means to be Nicklaus. It’s a task completed one day at a time.

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I’ve already written a number of posts on the topic of patience, today will be one more. Those who have patience are the real super heroes. They endure storms and tragedy with uncommon grace because they see beyond sorrow and destruction. Even when they are lost, finding themselves walled in and alone, they don’t stop moving. Yes, this is patience too.

Over the last two months I began to see the path ahead of me. Depending on the moment, the trail seems like a vertical hike up the side of a snow capped mountain, me at the bottom. Or…it feels like I am on one side of a great canyon. My mission is to cross the dark abyss between me and where I want to be. Either way, I feel unprepared and alone.

Neither are true. I am not alone, at the bottom of a mountain, unprepared for to cross the deep. Just feels that way.

Old Dumb Bastard Habit

I wrote this yesterday and it bears repeating: the bulk of my anxiety and impatience stems from my desire to be a complete package of a man. Why? Because. I can only be rejected so many times before I develop my own narrative. That narrative says I am not worthy of a woman. Every woman I have dated has shredded me. None of them dubbed me the one. That hurts. I gave everything I had, and it is never enough. So? I’ve got to be a better me, gotta be someone I’m not. Right?

I hate…I mean hate…this narrative.

For starters, it’s wrong. I am f-cking awesome. Right now, as I am. I am an amazing man. Period. No qualifiers necessary. And you know what makes me so awesome? I don’t give up or concede shit to the enemy or my own fears. It might have taken me twenty years to get to this point, but along the way I didn’t give in to addiction, suicide, self-pity, jealousy, depression, or poverty. I’m not a shell of a person, bitter and self-righteous. I might battle those things on occasion, but I am seated in the holiest of places with Jesus. My heart and mind belong to Him.

(This isn’t about how a handful of women treated me. God bless each one of them. I’d love to know they all walked in the fullness of who they are and the callings on their lives. They are worthy of love. They are awesome. For my sake, I refuse to extract my value from how they treated me at their worst.)

In The Mean Time

I could see my current relationship status as a blessing. But, as stated by Paul, it’s a blessing either way. I’d love to be growing a relationship with someone great, and being single isn’t a curse. I have plenty of time to focus on other parts of my life. You know? Seems like the perfect time to switch careers, start a legit blog, and go to ministry school, right? Yeah. It is.

I love authoring this blog. I look forward to each new post- a sentence I’ve rarely uttered about anything. I know I’ve got to keep writing. It’s a must. Literally. The best part is I don’t care how good I am today. I know I’ll get better tomorrow. A year from today? Oh man, I get excited when I think that far into the future.

Letting This Moment Shine

I’ll rob myself of joy and peace if I burden today with what I think I need to be. I choose to believe, deep in my bones, I’m going to meet someone who loves me as I am. The best I can do is dive deeper into what it means to be Nicklaus. It’s a task completed one day at a time.

How many hours and days have I wasted trying to conjure a relationship? Many. Lots. A few. So…more than focusing on a future relationship, I want to be present.

Thank you Lord for today, and my growing patience. I asked for it and you have given it to me. I trust with you with my life and my future.

A-men.

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