Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 4/2/23 Nik Curfman 4/2/23

Abstract: What If I Live To Be 100

A poem, about shifting my focus from death to life.

Mr Death has been such a part of my life,

I consider him part of the family,

coming for friends and relatives a like,

from the earliest time I can remember,

and very present today.

As a child, I let him in,

to my heart, my dreams and hopes,

the way I view life and how I live.

And as older loves began to stand on the block,

lined up and ready (or not),

seems like their time is short.

And I worry and spend my days bound by the fear of the inevitable visit.

I know Mr will come for me too,

so I cry and weep for the years I wasted,

and struggle to direct my steps,

to make the most of whatever days I have left.

But, what if?

What if I live to be 100, not 60.

What if I find a good wife,

father children,

and grandchildren, and more.

What if I live through whatever wars and violence and oppressions to come?

What if my life isn’t winding down, but just getting started?

What IF…I stopped worrying about dying in 20 years, and stopped trying to fit all my possibilities through the narrow slit in between now and then?

What…If?

Oh my, what a glory and a gift.

To hope and dare to believe,

To live and live and live, and then LIVE EVEN MORE.

Have I not repented of my slave ways?

Sought the Lord?

Honored my parents?

And pointed my heart to what is good and holy?

Yes!

Imperfectly, but yes!

Then let me eat for life, not death!

Let me breath for eternity,

not personal fear or crisis of the moment.

Let my soul sing and imagination dance,

and let me break my blinders of shame and devotion to death.

The Lord is my God,

and I will not fear death or when he comes for me.

And Jesus, I repent,

for allowing death to be my lord,

the one who dominated my thoughts and choices.

I want you to dominate my notions and emotions,

to be hopeful and full of joy,

to believe and live by faith,

to smile at pain and stand strong against every wind bold enough to rush my direction.

And I will no longer worry about when Mr Death will come for me,

he is your servant after all,

and so am I.

When my day comes, to go home forever,

let me smile as I cross the stage into the great Beyond.

But for now and until that day,

I will live and work and plan in this moment,

present and forward, living in each moment rather than

broken and afraid of what’s to come.

I’m going to live to be 100.

Today is the day I began acting like it.

“For as a man thinks within himself, so he is.” - Proverbs 23:7

Nik Curfman 1/10/23 Nik Curfman 1/10/23

Vol III: #51 Twenty-Four Hours Later

A few days ago I wrote about taking on the challenges of 2023, that I knew they’d be there, and I am prepared to ride through each rough patch with as much joy and dignity as possible. My words were confident bordering on cocky, but not cocky. I was happy with my declarations and use of new wisdom. And then, like a bad a novel, I awoke Tuesday morning with a snivel and a cough.

The hardest part of my COVID experience is how annoying it is. I’m tired, but not exhausted. I’m had worse colds and flus. And for brief moments everyday I felt well enough to work. Isn’t that life? Oh well. LOL.

Nik Curfman 5/12/22 Nik Curfman 5/12/22

Vol II: #67 What’s Next?

I don’t have a concrete plan for what’s next in my life, but I do have desires.

I am guilty of moving into the next season of life without savoring the flavorful bits of the present season. It’s the manner in which I lived life for most of my life- half of my effort spent on the now and half focused on the beyond. I hate it. When the line is crossed and all the hugs are given, it’s important to celebrate the victory. And, over the last week and a half, I let myself feel good about graduating from BSSM. From the first day of class until the final weeks, I questioned my ability to finish and push through each challenge. And, this sense of accomplishment is a complete contrast to how I felt when I graduated from college. I stood on the sidewalk outside the political science building, final paper submitted, yet unhappy and anxious. Thank God.

I don’t have a concrete plan for what’s next in my life, but I do have desires. What I desire most is to continue to sit with the Lord to renew my mind- to destroy old fears and beliefs. The great reward for this practice is I get to receive from Him whatever is good and holy. Next, I want to set up daily habits to win in all areas of life, mainly health and finances. Lastly, and just as important, I need to find communities to sow into and be sown into. This is the newest desire in my heart now that my Lone Wolf spirit is dead.

For a more specific answer on “what’s next?” I’ll say I am working and preparing to travel for a bit this summer, and then? I just want to love and be loved.

Nik Curfman 9/10/21 Nik Curfman 9/10/21

Abstract: Life Is Good

A poem, after a day of video meetings, and the need for connection and wonder.

Thin screens, regardless of clarity,

will never be humanity.

They cannot replace the love conveyed by presence.

I hope we never become so efficient in the way we live life,

that we stop living life,

and settle for pictures of places we could be,

sniffing the scent of a new landscape,

or the wonder of His Creation.

Go, struggle and dream,

explore and receive,

every ounce of what this life was meant to be.

Nik Curfman 1/27/21 Nik Curfman 1/27/21

Journal: #188 Walking in the Snow

Ten thousand steps is an arbitrary number of steps to walk, but it’s isn’t about the number of steps. Every day I cross that threshold, I prove to myself how much I love myself. I shift my schedule, plan breaks, and replace shoes all in an effort to love me. I am important, and I will not let snow or slush tell me I’m not.

I have several people in my life who seem more attune to the weather in Redding than me. If an extreme change is in the forecast, they’ll tell me. It’s nice. I feel like I have a personal concierge service specifically dedicated to my weather concerns, an odd yet highly useful blessing.

The Sky is Falling

Last week one of my amateur meteorologists warned of a forecasted snow storm. I can’t remember my exact response but I’m sure it included sarcasm and/or mockery. Most of my life I’ve lived in climates unaccustomed to the white blanket. Forecasts of snow storms often dissolved into cold showers, and nothing more. Once I heard of the coming blizzard I assumed more rain was on its way.

I Doubt The Sky is falling

Yesterday was to be the day of Snowpocalypse 2021 in Redding. I checked and rechecked my weather app. How can it snow if the air temperature doesn’t fall below 35 degrees? The rain began to fall at 2 PM. Clearly the weather witch doctors were wrong.

At 4:30 pm, I made my first post to Instagram. Mockingly, I recorded the rain and added “Let It Snow” as sung by Frank Sinatra. Can’t fool me weather nerds. I felt snarky and a bit arrogant, but it was all in good fun. I closed the blinds and finished my work for the day.

No, It’s really Falling

Two hours later, I checked my phone. And, you know what I saw: posts of children and dogs playing in fresh snow. I laughed at myself and sauntered over to the sliding glass door. Yes, it was snowing in my yard too. I was wrong. The snow had come, about half an inch covered the landscape.

Out of humility, I posted “Joked too soon.” That’s that, except it wasn’t.

NO-NO, It’s Really falling

An hour later, large collections of snowflakes began to paint every surface, crack, and cranny of the Redding. For hours, they fell until a half inch of snow tuned into four inches of packed powder. The joke was on me.

If you follow my blog you know part of my self-care is walking at least ten thousand steps per day. (You can read those blogs here, here, and here.) At present, my goal is 45 consecutive days of +10k step. The slushy snow and intermittent rain forecast for today threatened to sack my goal at 30 days.

No excuses

I nearly gave up at 5100 steps this afternoon. I almost let this weather, my lack of winter clothing, and the fading day light defeat me. Then I decided I wouldn’t not give myself permission to fail. After a tri-tip dinner with a friend, I went home to complete my needed steps.

Since I needed so many steps to finish the day strong, I couldn’t wear my boots. They are too heavy when speed is required. I wanted to wear my beater running shoes, but they are made to breath. In a hilarious madness, I tied plastic grocery bags around my each foot then slide my ragged shoes over the plastic bags. My feet might be cold but they would not be wet.

My late evening stroll was routine by any standard except the large piles of snow that covered each side of the road and the sidewalks. Mostly clear roads and few passing cars allowed tonight to be a fine evening for walk. It would’ve been a waste to waste it.

My Walks are More Than Walks

I’m proud of myself for pushing through the snow and metal slush today. My dad is fond of saying,”you can always find a reason to do something, or not do something.” He’s right. Every day presents us with encouragement to carry on and excuses to turn back as we pursue goals or dreams. In the end, it’s about what we believe.

I believe a day is better when I go for walks. Ten thousand steps is an arbitrary number of steps to walk, but it isn’t about the number of steps. Every day I cross that threshold, I prove to myself how much I love myself. I shift my schedule, plan breaks, and replace shoes all in an effort to love me. I am important, and I will not let snow or slush tell me I’m not.

The walks aren’t just about me, but Him too. Every midday outing is chance to pray and connect to the Holy Spirit. It’s our time together. What may look like a man talking to himself as I saunter around the neighborhood is so much more. It’s where I find life, release frustration, and regain my center in Jesus.

How can I deny myself all that? I can’t, and I won’t.

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Nik Curfman 1/25/21 Nik Curfman 1/25/21

Journal: #186 Wearing My Heart Like A BackPack

For the foreseeable future, when I feel awash in sorrow, I will simply ask the Holy Spirit to “carry me.” And, she will. It’s that simple. I’m not alone, and I don’t have to carry the weight of life on my shoulders.

The next few months are about to get real. Today, I booked a one way flight back to Columbia, South Carolina, and I don’t know how long I’ll be there. My hope is 6-8 weeks. A friend is getting married on April 2nd, and I’d to be there for his wedding. Life may not afford me the option.

Life Happens

Last weekend, my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Of all the foul words in the English language, these are two of the worst. I know my father will die one day, and there will be a medical reason. Yet, for some reason, prostate cancer seems an especially loathsome way to die.

I decided I want to be there for the start of his battle, hence the one-way flight. In this particular case, I’m glad I googled “prostate cancer.” Unless he’s into an advanced stage, we’ve got plenty of time to act. Statistically speaking, he should live at least another 5-10 years. I’ll take it.

I’ll take any time I’ve got left with my dad. The reality is every day is a gift. Moments like this help hone that sense.

How Do I Respond to Adversity

In the days to come, my dad is going to face some nasty medical treatments. He’s going to be weak and need people to love and service his needs. Knowing him, he won’t like feeling like a burden, and he’ll need to be reminded he’s no burden. He’s loved and this is what love looks like.

I am mostly hopeful about my dad prognosis. It seems like we caught the cancer early enough to take decisive action. Despite my optimism, I’ve had to think about life without my dad. The sadness I feel in those instances is overwhelming.

Stay Connected to the Lord

2020 taught me to stay connected to the Lord, and how to care for myself. In a way, I feel prepared for this. Today, the Holy Spirit gave me a picture to remember when the weight of life starts to shove me off balance. It’s her, wearing my heart like a backpack. That picture is life-affirming, light-hearted, and comical. I love it.

Thank God for that.

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Nik Curfman 11/11/20 Nik Curfman 11/11/20

Abstraction: Die Happy

The world is full of compromised purpose and the resulting self-hatred.

Don’t compromise yourself for someone else’s life.

Fight for yourself as He created you to be.

Go after the dreams He put in your heart.

Die happy.

A life worth living has battles worth fighting, and the satisfaction is in the winning.

The winning might not come in the form of a trophy or public recognition,

Maybe it’s a lesson, knowledge gained, or priceless experience.

Perhaps it’s in the doing, the risk of the choice, and the joy of knowing failure happens only when you quit.

Larger prizes await the brave, this is certain.

Love shared, hearts mended, and the bliss of eternal connection. The tangible realization we are never, ever, alone.

Further still, should we press on toward the more, which blesses others, we discover what it means to lead.

True leadership is when one soul carves through the rock to free the others.

It loves to the last breath,

Lives to believe in the Good beyond good, and the Holy beyond religion.

A life worth living is one worth wanting, and never being satisfied with anything else.

There is joy, love, and triumph on the other side of risk and failure.

You are worth your effort.

The world is full of compromised purpose and the resulting self-hatred.

Don’t compromise yourself for someone else’s life.

Fight for yourself as He created you to be.

Go after the dreams He put in your heart.

Die happy.

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