Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 9/25/21 Nik Curfman 9/25/21

Vol II: #32 Baby Steps

Faith isn’t the ability to move mountains. That’s the work of the Lord. Faith is the act of saying, “Lord, I trust you,” then…whether trembling or excited, we take the next little step forward.

Faith is the thing that makes walking with God possible and foolish and challenging. It looks different from day-to-day and comes in multiple forms and sizes. It’s a mustard seed when all we have is “blind faith” to trudge onward. But, when our hope is high, faith looks like excitement and expectation. Regardless of appearance or emotion, faith is crucial to our walk with the Lord.

I truly believe most Christians are miserable because they stopped trusting the Lord to lead them. (Faith is trust in the Lord. Simple as that.) We have moments of glory, but when life becomes difficult, we turn away. We settle for protection and safety amid our suffering. Better said, we hide. We stop moving. We believe lies when we need faith.

There’s a reason the lies exist. It’s because evil is real…and NOT a human invention. The goal of all evil is to separate us from Him. And, the tactics may change, but the base remains the same. The enemy never stops preaching his oldest lie. Each time life turns sour- the bills pile up, our bodies decay, relationships spoil, cars break down- he whispers, “God isn’t who He says He is.” This lie has many variations: life sucks, the world sucks, you’re alone, no one loves you, no one cares, life is unfair, you’ll never learn, you’re stuck, this is hopeless, etc. Each of those lies is meant to keep us in bondage.

But, the Lord is good, and His mercy is endless. Nothing separates us from His presence. The life we live is one of faith and love, and eternal hope. How sad it is when we turned to Him but did not follow in His shadow. It is at these moments the misery enters. Most of us know how to grope for the Lord in dark moments, but we are weak when He asks us to follow Him.

This week I was confronted with several opportunities, and my initial reaction was, “hell no!” But then I remembered Corrie Ten Boom. I remembered her faith when confronted with her nazi prison guard in a church after the war. She didn’t have the faith to forgive him, so she asked for faith to shake his hand. That was her mustard seed moment. Of course, she did forgive him. I love that story because she knew where the Lord wanted to go, but she was too scared to go there. Instead of running from the moment, she asked for the resolve and took the immediate next step. It’s that simple.

Nik Curfman 8/30/21 Nik Curfman 8/30/21

Vol II: #21 Nervous As They Come

Wednesday, I am scheduled to begin ministry school here in Redding. As I type this post, I am closer than ever to put in for a refund. What’s the point? I’m not a revivalist, and I’m not trying to be. I’m no kid or in need of someone to interpret the Bible for me. Plus, that $5000 tuition payment could help me launch a business.

Today is my first normal day in a while, though I have lingering feelings of guilt and shame over my missed routines. The easiest example is this blog post; it’s my first post since last Wednesday. I believe, without looking into it, the 96-hour layoff is the longest between postings. I’m trying to be gracious with myself, and remember I gave myself a few days this year to lay low.

My honest to God fear is this experience will be as disappointing as every other interaction with the church. They will preach about behavior and demand satisfaction, smile while they say “God is Good”, and see only my talents and/or skills. I’m tired of church leaders trying to use me. That’s not the Jesus I know. All of my fearful speculations beg the question: what was I thinking a year ago when I thought it was a good idea? I know the answer to that question, and I know how the Lord works.

The Lord will let us set our sails toward one goal, even when it isn’t the main goal. He does this because it gets us in the direction of where we need to be. The Lord is not a perfectionist. I know this because I was never “supposed to be” Jason’s long-term business partner, but it got me out of San Francisco. The Bible says “the gate is small and narrow is the way.” We get our “straight and narrow” saying from this misinterpretation. A better translation of Matthew 7:14 is “the walk with God is personal and long.” There’s nothing about our walk with the Lord being easy or straight. Detours and deadends are common.

Orientation is Wednesday, and I need all the peace and wisdom I can muster between now and then. Prayers appreciated.

Nik Curfman 6/2/21 Nik Curfman 6/2/21

Journal: #296 What Success Is

I’m so hung up trying to pick the right places to pour myself into. I believe- as of today- part of me exists in the arts and investments. This belief requires me to learn and grow, be content at the back of the line, and be the newbie— again. So be it. I’m not going to burden myself by trying to make perfect decisions. I put my life in the Lord’s hand and I’ll follow His lead. In this way, I am a winner. My decision is to love the Lord and pursue him. That’s what success is.

Success in the Lord is not a list of accomplishments or a clean plate. It’s showing up. It’s scratching our way out of personal prisons to escape into His presence. Because. He’s always there regardless of how distant it feels. When I was at my lowest, ready to end it, He was there. On the days I was rejected by employers, friends, and old girlfriends, my God was with me. More than that, He was with me when I was born, won awards, and made new friends. He is present in my hopes, and He is patiently dismantling my fears. The process is to become more like Him, which is not measured in human terms. Success in the Lord ultimately is measured in hope, patience, and love.

This morning I was blessed by the goodness of the Lord. He reminded me how faithful He’s been to me. It was an interesting moment because the Lord chose to prove Himself to me. My hope is our future is more inclusive— less about me and my plans. I want my future to be about what He and I do together. However, that’s not what the Lord was saying this morning. His message to me was of His undying devotion to me (and you.) It’s not what I do.

Nik Curfman 4/13/21 Nik Curfman 4/13/21

Journal: #255 Time To Explore

This morning on my walk I prayed about it. Last summer was such a sweet moment in my life, I’d love a repeat of sorts. After my break ups (business and romantic), I dove into the Lord without a plan. It was glorious. He held my hand as I faced my future, unafraid of what was to come. I loved that moment, because I was unburdened by expectations or goals.

As I wrote yesterday, I am looking forward to the coming summer months. This morning on my walk I prayed about it. Last summer was such a sweet moment in my life, I’d love a repeat of sorts. After my break ups (business and romantic), I dove into the Lord without a plan. It was glorious. He held my hand as I faced my future, unafraid of what was to come. I loved that moment, because I was unburdened by expectations or goals.

Ten months later I have goals and vision for my life. With this new map, a certain tension has returned to my heart and thoughts. I don’t like it. Goals and vision open up my world to the possibility of failure, and I hate failure. Better said, I hate what failure says about me. (I hate what I think failure says about me.) I want another awesome summer, but the judges in my head can destroy the brightest moment with ease if I let them.

No. This summer will not be like last summer. It can’t be. The summer of 2021 will have a glory unlike any before. Why? Because. It’s the first summer of my life where I know who I am and what I want. That reality, that truth, is never a burden. It’s the key He used to set me free. Last summer was a time to build trust and dedication. This summer is going to be about diving ever deeper in my walk with Jesus and myself. It’s time to explore.

Nik Curfman 2/15/21 Nik Curfman 2/15/21

Journal: #207 Face The Wall PT 1.

I want to add, this is more than blocking out public perception. It’s about finding my voice with the Lord. It’s a conversation, and I don’t care what comes of it. If I forever write and sculpt without any mass appeal, so be it. I will write and sculpt.

The first time I heard the phrase “face[ing] the wall” was in my early twenties. It was a from an older student at ministry school, and he was referring to the journey of Don Potter. It was Don who after being a long time studio musician, the Lord told to play to the worship to a wall- to perform to no one but Him.

When I first heard the story 20 years ago, I thought “Don must’ve been real arrogant.” I don’t think that any more. Who am I to judge? More over, I get it. The ability to toil in empty rooms is a blessing, not a curse. The curse comes when the approval of others means more than the approval of the Lord.

Taylor Swift is an excellent example of someone who lives with the curse. In the documentary Miss Americana she explained how awards and public opinion were her feedback loop. When it turned against her, she fell into a deep hole. (I wrote about it two weeks ago, because I know that hell as well. I get bummed when I post a new poem and it only receives a handful of likes.)

The last week or so, the Lord has continued to tell me He doesn’t keep score. My life isn’t a series of accomplishments or stats. Life isn’t the stock market. The Father loves and stays focused on our hearts. He’s the goofy dad on the sidelines, and proud parent who decorates his cubicle with every shitty stick figure drawing His kids make.

He’s that dude.

I recently began to let go of numbers and the corresponding value I place upon them. For instance, I have not looked at my blog analytics (how many website visitors to this site, what pages they read, etc) since last week. Who knows who’s reading my posts or how often? I don’t. It’s nice.

But first, I need to get all the judges and past voices out of my heart, and let the Lord fill it. That’s where I am on February 16th, 2021. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.