Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 1/26/21 Nik Curfman 1/26/21

Journal: #187 Battling My Lies

If the lies are in my head, then they can be out of my head. This is my hope, and out of this hope comes faith. I don’t need to have all the answers for my flaws. It is the work of the Lord and His grace on me. I trust the Lord to do what He alone can do in my heart and mind.

I wonder if insecure feelings will ever go away. Maybe some will, like loneliness. (Loneliness is a state of mind as it is.) What I want to know is it is possible to live life without feeling inadequate or belittled? Can I live without nagging doubt?

On January 26th, 2021, I have no firm answer. How can I? My life is not completed.

Fight On

What I do know, what I believe, is I can fight through it. I’d rather not feel like a phony. It would be awesome if I never battled my self-esteem again. But, until that day, I must go to war with those emotions intended to drag me into the void of despair.

From Secure To Faith

My life was completely different a year ago. I thought I knew what was ahead and felt up to task. On days like today, it’s the opposite. I have no clue what lay ahead in my life, only a vague picture.

I know I’m loved and worthy of love. I’m thankful to be surrounded by people who love and appreciate me. Moreover, the men I work with are kind and honest. I didn’t expect to be spit out of one business venture into something built for me and my disposition.

Never Surrender to Lies

There is hope I can achieve a lasting victory over my fears. For one, life with Jesus means anything is possible. The other is more subtle. It’s mental. The lies are in my head, not my reality. Want proof? Ok. How’s this? Today, I was given a promotion. Crazy, eh?

More Lord. #LFG

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Nik Curfman 1/23/21 Nik Curfman 1/23/21

Journal: #184 Being Me is a SuperNatural Event

This entire discussion get’s back to one of my biggest hurdles in life: I have to be someone else. It’s not the Lord who says this, but Nik. And what He told me the other day was to be me, because that’s a supernatural thing with Holy fruit all of it’s own.

I spent the afternoon reminding myself of the greatness of God in my life, and why we exist. His blessings on my life are legion. It’s awesome. From the job opportunities in front of me to life-giving friendships, He’s always there. I want more.

Insecure As Ever

As I tend to do I judged myself this week for a lack of attention to the supernatural - as if praying for miraculous cancer healings isn’t faith. (I have three people in my life who are fighting the disease.) My concern is I will sink back into a life without the flow and wonder of the Holy Spirit, that my life will become one of tasks and empty accomplishments.

What good are sculptures and poems and blog post without the Lord? What good is anything without love and grace? I don’t care about money or notoriety, and I don’t want fame. I want Him, and for the people around me to know Him.

What I want is life full of faith and the Lord’s presence.

The Lord Is Not Insecure

When I prayed about this the Lord responded with His usual kindness and clarity. Every time I create something new with my hands it’s an act of the Creator. When I sit with people in their pain and love them through loss that is what Jesus did. Whenever I teach someone to grill chicken or tell them about the goodness of God in my life that’s Kingdom leadership. And every prayer, every act of faith, every hand laid and heart opened this is the supernatural too.

Just your Normal SuperNatural Life

The truth is I’ve become so accustomed to the supernatural God-like occurrences, I barely notice them. I don’t feel more or less spiritual when I do anything regardless of what it is. I feel the same when I bend wire as I do when I pray for the sick. Which brings me to my last point.

I think I believed being super spiritual would come with an overhaul of my thoughts and feelings. It doesn’t. I’m still me, which I like. I’m still the guy who cries at videos of rescue dogs, loves to explore new places, and take long solitary walks in the forest.

Me, Trying To Be Someone Else

I’m not sure why I expected anything else. Perhaps it’s because I think my heroes like Corrie ten Boom and Smith Wigglesworth were vastly different than me. And, because I wanted to be like them I needed to be vastly different than who I am.

Back to Basics: Be Me

I know what trying to be like someone else does to me. It’s ugly, and I hate it. Let this blog post stand as I reminder that none of us have a higher calling than to be who we are in Him.

Lord, help me be me. Show me my heart and give me the courage to honor it. Thank you for talking to me and showing me the path to walk. Your kindness soothes my anxious thoughts and destroys my doubt. Thanks.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 9/3/20 Nik Curfman 9/3/20

DJ: #51 The Expressed Me, Confident or Insecure?

As I finished my prayers I saw myself as having two faces. One was the old insecure sonofabitch, and the other was younger more self assured, still growing. I don’t expect to have all my insecurity rooted out any time soon. But I do expect to continue to grow into myself. I’m in process and I’ve submitted to the One in charge of my transformation.

If you believe in such modern who-hacky, I am a two on the Enneagram. It means I can love and want to help people, but when I’m unhealthy I can turn to people pleasing. I become needy and insecure.

When I finally read books about the Enneagram, I knew I didn’t need to read past two. And fortunately, I’m not an immature two. I’ve progressed along the scale toward the healthy expression of who I am over the last ten years, with a sharp upgrade this summer.

The best version of me- the person I long to be- is truly selfless, confident, empathetic, and personally detached. I use the word detached because throughout my life I judged my self-worth by those around me. I needed to produce change and affect the people around me. I needed their praise. It’s a cup with a hole at the bottom, never full.

What I notice now is my efforts to be selfless, confident, and empathetic can and sometimes are unrecognized. (Really? If my roommate doesn’t say ‘thank you’ when I take out the trash, did I even do it? HAHAHAHAHAH. I was never that bad. I take out the trash cause it needs done, but you get the point.) When I’m healthy, I don’t even think about it. When I’m needy and insecure, I do.

Such is being an imperfect human.

This morning I was locked in a small skirmish with my insecurity. I felt a need to be seen as successful. AND I HATE THAT NEEDY FEELING. It’s so disgusting, and weak.

I expect to have many more battles with my need to be validated. It’s ok. I’ve got a winning streak going against that bastard, and I’m gonna continue to win until his needy ass stops coming around. I am enjoying the spoils of my victories as well, true gratitude, less anxiety, less control, being present. AND…I find less disappointment in the humans around me, because I am not making an unspoken contract with them- my kindness for their validation.

There exists a bit of irony here, in this blog. Everyday I show up to write and post. And my motivations, at times, have been mixed. My truest heart is to show people the loving Jesus, everyday. I want to write about how He loves me, and them, and how life-giving it is. That’s all I really want. And yet, a lingering desire to write well, to be seen as smart and intelligent exists. Weeds growing with the wheat.

Again, such is being an imperfect human.

Part of my healing and growth comes through self-love. I never expected it to be so, but there it is. My daily confessions and positive affirmations are rewiring my brain. And as I wrote in a previous blog, the compliments of others barely register in my ego. I’m thankful for them, but they are no longer fuel. They are no longer needed.

The best fruit is my ability to step out into the undeveloped parts of my heart, to been seen as a fool, or untalented, or unskilled, to show up everyday as me regardless of the outcome or feedback.

Sweet Jesus, thank you for all the seeds you planted in me. Thank you for watering my soil and remaining patient with me. Please continue to pull the weeds of self-doubt and neediness out of my chest.

I don’t need to proof anything to anyone. I do not need to be seen by anyone. I am loved and valued, because I am alive. No matter what.