Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 11/10/22 Nik Curfman 11/10/22

Vol III: #36 Figs And Fruit

My biggest take away of this discussion is every end is a new beginning, and it has to be. If all we ever do is cry over our losses and failures, then we’ve stopped being who were called to be. Seasoned farmers replace trees, cycle crops, and even leave some plots to rest. What we need is Wisdom, usually beyond our experience. And I can say with certainty, the Lord is good to give life-giving answers when we need them. This, I know.

There’s a four verse story in Matthew 21 about Jesus and a fig tree. Our Savior is hungry and curses a fruitless fig tree for it’s lack of fruit and the poor tree obliges Him. My modern senses have usually, until today, recoiled at this story. How could Jesus just curse a tree like that? Seems like a rough judgement Jesus, geez whiz. The disciples seemed less concerned about the poor tree; instead, they wondered how Jesus could pull off such a neat trick. But, seriously, was that really necessary? Poor little tree.

It’s easy to judge Jesus for his condemnation of the plant as harsh or inappropriate. It’s easy because I have always had access to plenty of food and my body is proof that I never miss a meal. But, two thousand years ago…an unproductive fruit tree was a waste of time, resource, and energy. Ancient people had to make every plant fruitful and every harvest had to count. They were one famine or drought away from death, or at least a severe lack of calories. (And this is a big deal. Food scarcity leads to low birth rates and birth defects. For warring societies, this means they couldn’t keep their armies well fed and the reduces replacement troops in following generations. These are problems we will never know.) When Jesus cursed the tree to death, literally, he did so because it didn’t produce fruit and it was time for a new tree or bush to replace it.

I believe most humans hold onto our old trees long past their usefulness. I know I do and in many forms. Human nature is somehow prone to double down on bad practices and beliefs. What else explains the return of Marxist socialism or mom jeans? Shouldn’t the standard be- as Jesus taught- if it bears good fruit, keep it fed and happy? But, if it bears bad fruit or no fruit, it’s time to cut it loose? I think so.

The real hurdle in this is to know when to prune the dead branches or lay the ax to the trunk. Should I give up on strained relationships, or stay patient? Keep the business alive, or sink the ship? Partnering with the Holy Spirit becomes crucial at such crossroads. Difficulty of a task or goal should not be what defines our involvement. Jesus didn’t curse all fig trees or say to the farmer your tree is hot garbage, you should give up on growing trees. He was specific to the one tree. Accordingly, rather than scuttle a entire business, it may make more sense to shift focus to a new customer base, cut staff, or bad product lines. Another example is our first know interaction between Peter and Jesus. Remember, Jesus didn’t tell Peter to stop fishing, but to put his nets down on the other side of the boat.

Nik Curfman 10/6/22 Nik Curfman 10/6/22

Vol III: #21 The Process of Moving On

Monday morning, I awoke to series of texts, another meme and nothing worthy of my time. So in a fit of carnal rage, I left the group- which is to say I tapped the “Leave Conversation” button. I admit the timing was poor. Had I been in a better mood or more tactful, I would’ve waited for a quiet day to make a quiet exit. But I didn’t have it to give. I wanted out, so I left*.

I strongly advise the you, my reader, to bring the Lord into relational decisions. And, I will tell you why.

Earlier this week, I left a text group chat. The group is filled with men I know from my finals years in Charlotte and consisted of memes and old memories. And, it was a source of angst in my life. Why? Because, I felt like an interloper despite being invited to the group. And, I felt like an interloper because the group rarely responded to my contributions. Eventually, the lack of responses led me to question why I was invited to the chat.

I left the chat once before, in 2018, only to be invited back. When this happened, I assumed it was because I misjudged the situation. Maybe they had more value for my presence than I thought? But, no. They did not; instead, I encountered the exact same responses and attitudes. Good times.

Over the last three days, I prayed about my exit, why I left, and I asked if I did the right thing. The Lord’s response was to ask me if I carried old wounds and, after two days, I finally answered yes. It was only after I released my anxiety did the Lord show me the truth: those men didn’t know me. And, I didn’t know them. What I missed and needed was a deeper connection to them. That’s why their jokes weren’t funny and why they didn’t understand mine. (When it comes to humor, context is everything.)

I don’t regret leaving the group chat. It had to be done. But, I do regret how I left. (How many times have I written these words since 2020? It’s getting old. I need to learn, mature, and do better.) I’m thankful the Lord showed me the truth of the situation. His words and wisdom were a soft rebuke but a good lesson. Next time, I will go to Him first rather than run off my hurt feelings.

*And can I say, what a time to be alive? I didn’t kill anyone or hit on a wife. I left a group chat and it feels overly and unnecessarily dramatic.

Nik Curfman 4/18/21 Nik Curfman 4/18/21

Journal: #259 Gotta Have A Plan

As of today, I a little more than 140 days until the beginning of school. The expanse between today and that is like a being at the back of long line for a rollercoaster, so I need a plan for the next 20-ish weeks. I decided to break the summer into three parts: the two-week South Carolina sprint, the nine weeks, and the final nine weeks. The goals is to be the most me I can be. LOLOLOL. What I mean is, I want to spend as much time outside, drawing or sculpting, writing, and investing as I can. This season is a season of moving on. I’m convinced this is how I do it, by doubling down on me.

Something dark and afraid fell off my mind late Friday evening. For months I' felt a mysterious doom crowd my thoughts, and Friday I sunk under the weight of these fears. Then with a few concise prayers and some warm tears, I pushed through. I stared down my enemy, prayed, wrote, and worshipped anyway. I giggled as peace returned to my being. It’s wasn’t a particularly dignified moment, but it was memorable. The simple act of saying I’m still here, unlocked a flood of Heaven’s glory,

I needed a breakthrough. In this transition season from Old Nik to New Nik, I need little shot’s of love from the Lord. I’m not just walking away from on old way of life, but old friends too. It’s bizarre. And, in September, everything will change again. The Lord has a purpose for my sojourn into ministry school, and I’ll have dozens if not hundreds of new friends very soon. Goodness is coming and I am open to it, whatever form it may take.

As of today, I a little more than 140 days until the beginning of school. The expanse between today and that is like a being at the back of long line for a rollercoaster, so I need a plan for the next 20-ish weeks. I decided to break the summer into three parts: the two-week South Carolina sprint, the first nine weeks, and the final nine weeks. The goals is to be the most me I can be. LOLOLOL. What I mean is, I want to spend as much time outside, drawing or sculpting, writing, and investing as I can. This season is a season of moving on. I’m convinced this is how I do it, by doubling down on me.

Over the next 3 posts I’ll go over each part of my three part plan to rock this summer. See ya tomorrow.

Nik Curfman 3/16/21 Nik Curfman 3/16/21

Abstract: Dead Flowers

Through the dry hot summer sun,

into the long winter nights,

I brought flowers to the grave of what was.

Through the dry hot summer sun,

into the long winter nights,

I brought flowers to the grave of what was.

Stubbornly and with both hands,

I refused to give up hope.

I let my heart believe,

you would come back to me.

In faith I held on,

and now,

in faith,

I let go.

Resurrection is the work of the Lord,

not my dead flowers.

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Nik Curfman 11/23/20 Nik Curfman 11/23/20

Journal: #126 No Demons For Me

I find comfort in these truths: nothing I experience is new, and I’m not destined to be stuck in this tension. There’s a path ahead, and I have no clue what it looks like. My only impulse is to keep moving.

I’m at a tension-filled crossroads. In every previous broken relationship I demonized the lady. It helped me move on. I refuse to do that with A. I want to move on (completely), to let her go, but I don’t want to criticize her to do it. Whenever I find myself listening to judgment, I back away.

She has flaws like any person. She said and did a few things that hurt, as will happen in any meaningful relationship. Despite all that, she’s a wonderful woman. I love her. She’s my friend (I think). So here I am. I want to open my heart to whatever possibilities lay ahead, and I don’t want to crucify her to do it. That’s where I’m living the last few weeks.

Onward.

Lord, help. LOL I love A. I will not curse or judge her. Bless her life with love and grace. I trust you to lead me.

Amen.