Abstract: Summer’s Coming

---

The grasses are tall and a deep green that grow along the trail,

And soon they will wither and die under the incessant summer sun.

What is vibrant and alive, dotted with white and violet flowers, will become brittle and yellow.

the lush landscape yielding to the season.

It is the a time of survival and escape,

of cool dips in the lake, river floats, and friendships with a pool.

It’s a time to explore the mountains to my north and east,

to discover their secrets and the glories only given to travelers willing to make the hike.

Life is full of these patterns dictated by the sun, her shine and her affects,

where we go and when, the beauty we behold once we get there.

Through all of these changes, cycles, and routines,

I affirm the confession of the Letterwriter:

“I was taught, by the Holiest Spirit how to,

in times of famine or drought,

flood and growth,

with my hands full or empty,

And no matter the condition of my heart,

or my state of mind,

I will do everything through Him.

I will swim in the summer and slog through the winter,

I will sing praise when I am broken and when full.

Regardless of the season or day,

He will always be my Sun,

My rain,

and my Earth.”

Amen.

---

Abstract: Where I Am Today

---

It feels wrong,

to give up on something,

I believed was good.

Keenly,

I’m aware,

I was the only one who dared believe such a thing.

Every relationship,

is about two,

always two.

Their hopes and fear,

past and preferences,

pain and desires.

One cannot carry two,

be the source of joy and peace,

or dismantle doubts and fears of the other.

Every relationship,

is about each of the two,

each fighting for themselves and the other.

She stopped fighting for herself,

for me,

and sunk into her shame place.

Still,

why is it so hard for me,

to give up on her?

Why does my heart cling to hidden hopes,

of a moment orchestrated by God,

an epic resurrection?

I have no answer,

so I offer none.

This is where I am today.

---

Abstract: A Gift For Both Of Us

---

When I was a chubby child,

yearning to be loved,

I thought of Natalee.

She was the standard,

of beauty and brains.

Naturally, I did nothing with my crush of feelings,

I let her slip away.

I was ashamed of who I was,

my clothes,

And, my church.

Nothing about me was good enough for her,

A lie that dictated my life,

Far too long.

Then there was Mary,

Cathy,

Heather,

Faith,

Alison,

and some others.

Each one of them experienced the fake me,

The imposter,

Desperately trying to be anyone else.

To be confident, brash, strong,

Prepared, and wealthy.

Now, I’m a man,

still kinda chubby,

No crushes to endure at the moment.

But, my praise rises to heaven,

as I consider the hell I was saved from,

because I’m not yet married.

She would’ve married an insecure boy,

a loving person,

but an imposter nonetheless.

She would’ve had to endure his flops and anger,

his sudden changes and emotional outbursts,

his self-loathing insecurity.

God’s Grace,

no woman will have to endure or persevere,

The worst of me.

Whoever falls in love with my heart,

The one who won’t let go,

She’ll enjoy the best me.

A gift to us both.

---

Abstract: Your No

---

My yes was real,

it was eternal,

and committed.

So is your no.

---

Abstract: Be Me

---

I stepped to the podium and gripped both sides with sweaty hands,

the expectant faces staring up at mine, ready for my words.

The burden on my heart to produce a nugget worth holding onto,

grew quickly as I surveyed the audience.

Then, I spoke.

without cheap jokes,

or identifiable cadence.

I thundered from point-to-point.

My goal was to show them who the Lord created me to be,

That we don’t all sound alike, have the same stories, or present the same.

When I finished,

I received no applause,

No pats on the back.

I accept that.

I’m not here to be something they know,

I exist to be me,

My original copy of Him.

---

Abstract: Nap Sack

---

I got a nap sack,

empty on my back.

I want to fill it with every strain and fear,

of the people I love.

I want to carry this tares far from here,

to the land of never more.

Unfortunately, that’s not how life is,

I can’t carry pain someone won’t give up,

or heal a heart broken by life.

It’s not my calling or purpose.

I’m a light,

on the hill,

I’m meant to shine,

That’s the Lord’s will.

---

Abstract: He Is Me

---

He’s got a strong voice,

sounds an awful lot like mine,

and he lives in cracks of my mind.

On a day like today,

He’s hurling fear,

in anxious waves at my heart.

But, he’s forgotten,

I’ve know him my whole life,

and I know he’s scared.

He’s afraid of the future,

that he’s alone,

that all road to a blank desert.

I forgive his outburst, his shudders,

Because, I love him.

His tortured taunts are his cry for grace.

---

That guy,

He’s wrong.

I forgive his outburst, his shudders,

Because, I love him.

His tortured taunts are his cry for grace.

After a few deep breaths,

I whisper my kind response.

“You are loved and worthy of love Nik,

It’s the melody playing in the background of your life.

In that Eternal Love,

is a thousand new beginnings,

and a Shelter from every anxious moment.”

Abstract: Life Goals

---

Barking dogs and crowded sidewalks,

Cars in a furious rush,

Humanity and their pets smushed together.

No wonder anxiety is high and hope is low,

We spend half our time,

in battle with each other.

For what?

To live meaningless lives of comfort,

surrounded by fascinating objects,

designed to distract us from living,

from daring to be the last link of Creation.

Why do we compromise a life of dreams lived,

for safety and objects?

My life’s goal is to sacrifice all that is necessary,

so when I die,

they say I lived.

---

Abstract: Ordinary Miracles

---

What a life,

and hour lived,

when You speak to me.

How is it I ever consider,

it anything less,

than miraculous?

---

Abstract: Mount Lassen

---

I climber to peak of Mount Lassen once,

on a warm summer day.

The sun was bright,

and reflected off the persistent snow pack still living in the shadows of the mountain.

I was not prepared for the hike,

wearing only shorts, green running shoes, and an old grey hoodie.

Thankfully, I packed a bottle of water and some cashews,

although it proved to be too little by the time I reached the top.

The trail began easily enough,

climbing ever so slightly as it cut across the base of the peak.

Then path turned up the shadowy eastern ridge,

rising ever more vertically than before.

As the first hour passed,

my excitement disappeared,

as the reality of my mission became clear,

this trek is going to test me.

The trail switched back forth,

never resting from it’s task,

from the rocky sunny side to the snowy shadows,

then back again.

I began to take frequent breaks,

to ease my burning legs,

and encourage myself to slog on,

but turning back became on option.

Into the second hour,

the option to abandon my mission,

became a loud temptation,

my determination stressed to it’s limit.

But, I pressed on.

Unprepared,

unaware,

inexperienced,

overweight,

and alone,

I fought myself to the very top of that sleeping volcano.

If all I had was story of determination,

I would be proud of the triumph.

Fortunately, the destination was worth the strain,

Every step and ounce of energy well spent.

---

Abstract: Breath of Life

---

Breath of Life

Eyes closed and head tucked to my chest,

I inhale the favor of God,

and exhale my strains,

It’s a process I repeat as often as required,

because I refuse to give in,

To fear and pain.

In with joy,

out with rejection.

In with Love,

exit depression.

Each breath an act of faith,

a victory over death and its reign.

---

Abstract: The Gospel on the Mountain Side

---

To my family, my friends, and my enemies:

When you’re broken and ashamed,

groping in the shadows,

Even then, you are blessed.

Reach for the Father, and you will find Him.

On every occasion of grief,

when life brings you to snot and tears,

The goodness is coming.

To those who are kind and soft spoken,

and the world judges you as weak,

Your gift is this Earth.

It was made for you.

And to those who can’t breath without me,

I got you.

To the compassionate among you,

those led by your heart,

clinging to hope…

My gift is more.

More Love.

More Hope.

Finally, to you who desire peace above all else,

I call you children of my Father.

For you are as He is.

When the time comes,

(And it will),

When the storms march in,

the winds howl and all the world laughs at you because you trust Me…

Remember my vow: The Spirit is with you,

where you go,

I am also.

---

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