Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 1/12/21 Nik Curfman 1/12/21

Abstraction: Grace

I marveled and judged those who, despite being incomplete,

Ran after their hearts desires and destiny.

How arrogant?

I thought I had to chisel myself out of stone,

Forever carving away the flaws and ugly bits.

Forever unfinished,

never qualified,

always unworthy.

I marveled and judged those who, despite being incomplete,

Ran after their heart’s desires and destiny.

How arrogant?

How impatient?

How unprepared, they were.

Can’t they see?

Don’t they know?

Their inevitable folly?

But, not me.

I won’t make mistakes,

As soon as I finish working on me.

But…that day ain’t never coming,

When I can announce to the world my perfection.

What then, do I do, with me?

What is true, and what do I believe?

Enter the Ancient One.

His grace so great, so without end,

He gives it away as sun and rain,

To nourish and guide each of us.

To the impatient, there is grace.

To the immature, there is grace.

To the arrogant, there is grace.

To the addict and obese, there is grace.

To the slow-puzzler and self-hater, grace and more grace.

To the over-thinker, hand-wringer,

To the lonely and abused,

To the bully and bullied,

To the atheist and racist,

To the stuck-in-a-rut,

To the rich and poor,

To the city slick and country hick,

To the perfectionist…

The afraid…

The angry and confused,

to those who feel forgotten,

And wrongly accused.

Grace.

Unending grace.

Unmerited, eternal grace.

It’s favor on our lives,

From a Father to His kin.

I am not my mistakes or sins that I’m in.

I suppose I’ll look foolish and impatient,

From those outside judging in,

I don’t care.

I love myself.

And, I’ve got a purpose to start living.

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Nik Curfman 1/9/21 Nik Curfman 1/9/21

Abstraction: Human Desire

The fear faced and the admission made,

I know what I want is good and human.

An original, Eternal desire,

Planted by the Holy Spirit when we were still dust.

Found at the bottom of the chest, beneath the blankets and odd trinkets.

The simplest longing,

Old as humanity,

Evidence of my Eternal DNA.

I’m afraid to admit what I’ve found.

I’m afraid to recognize some part of me is like you.

I want to be special.

I wanted the desire buried in my depth to be unique.

So, I can be unique.

My purpose greater than most.

My life worth living, noteworthy, and admirable.

But, when I look at what lay at the base of all the rest, I feel ashamed.

And more shame, because I feel I am like you, not distinct but the same.

I’m suppose to be different.

My life more than ordinary.

How can something so common lead to anything extraordinary?

Here I sit, crossed leg and left eye twitching,

As I try to find the words to confess I am human.

With ease I write,

I want to love people.

My mom, my friends, and my enemies.

The next step is to expose what I found beneath that,

I want to be loved.

More than loved, because I am already surrounded by it,

From my mom, my friends, and my enemies.

I want to love and be loved, by her.

(Whoever her will be.)

The fear faced and the admission made,

I know what I want is good and human.

An original, Eternal desire,

Planted by the Holy Spirit when we were still dust.

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Nik Curfman 1/4/21 Nik Curfman 1/4/21

Abstraction: My Memory and Me

My memory reminds me of the me I once I was, and long existed.

That man is dead.

And soon, his memory will fade.

Replaced by the man I’ve become, an heir to Kingdom,

Now walking toward my rightful place.

When I turn around to see who’s following me, it’s a blank space.

I expect to see me, a younger, more immature me.

I would recognize him his fallen posture and cynical frown.

He hated what he was and who he thought he had to be.

The truth of his whereabouts are much more obvious.

He’s dead.

He died a slow unceremonious death at the hands of me.

I didn’t know it at the time. How could I?

But day by day, as I began to submit to Love and Life, he began to starve.

His thoughts were no longer good enough. His beliefs exposed as lies.

And now, as I walk forward into my destiny, I know I’ve left him behind.

In the ground.

To rot.

Memories are the mark of something that once existed.

They are not prophets of the future.

Despite being a sword with two blades. The only power they have is the power I give them.

My memory reminds me of the me I once was, and long existed.

That man is dead.

And soon, his memory will fade.

Replaced by the man I’ve become, an heir to Kingdom,

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Nik Curfman 1/1/21 Nik Curfman 1/1/21

Abstraction: Perfect Cookies

In a panic, she flung open the oven door and yanked the hot sheet from the rack. Of course, she was right! One cookie was starting to turn black, while another still raw. The flaws of this latest attempt too great to bare.

The air in the kitchen was laden with the scent of dark chocolate, brown sugar, and melted butter. In her heart she knew, this was the batch. Her long awaited perfection. The bake to end all bakes. No more tears or failure she thought. This is gonna be it.

As time passed a crowd gathered, and her pulse raced. A dozen tiny voices began to ask the questions she long tried to ignore.

What if she burnt the cookies, or they were too sweet, or bitter? Did she remember the baking soda? What would her mother say? Did she even like chocolate chip cookies? What about her fellow baker’s and her former life? What would become of her if she did bake the perfect cookie?

Suddenly her nose caught the scent of something off. She couldn’t be sure, but the longer she stood frozen next to the oven, she convinced herself. She made a mistake. Somewhere in the prep, perhaps the baking, but along the way she f*cked up.

In a panic, she flung open the oven door and yanked the hot sheet from the rack. Of course, she was right! One cookie was starting to turn black, while another still raw.

Tears filled her heart, and she had neither the wisdom or the ability to find the good in this batch. The flaws of her latest attempt too great to bare. Without a taste, she carefully slid her latest effort into the trash heap. The voices applauded her bravery, so why was she ashamed?

The thin baker turned to begin again.

Perfection, her ideal and her burden, keeps her hungry and starved. Alone and afraid. Always baking, never eating the fruits of her labor. Always perfecting, never grateful for the goodness at hand. Always wishing, never enjoying the cookies she baked.

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Nik Curfman 12/24/20 Nik Curfman 12/24/20

Abstraction: 5 Loaves, 2 Fish

Perspective is powerful. When we focus on what we lack we will always lack. When we are thankful for what we have, the Lord will bless it beyond our comprehension.

There is always enough. I am always enough. You are always enough. He will always provide. Your focus determines your blessing.

The need was great,

A multitude of people in search of a King,

They found Him, like all hungry people do, in the Wilderness.

Away from comfort and order, He touched their hearts and healed their broken bodies.

The Gospel in action.

But, they needed more.

The folksy wisdom of His students spoke,

“Send them away to eat and sleep.”

Once again, they offered only lack.

The Teacher’s reply?

“You feed them.”

Once again, He challenged His pupils.

“We do not have enough. What shall we do?”

Unfazed, still teaching and demonstrating what faith is, the Master went to work.

He didn’t see five loaves of bread and a few dead fish.

He envisioned five-thousand people fed.

Where the disciples saw lack, Jesus saw provision.

And then, He created a space for the Father to love His children.

Perspective is powerful. When we focus on what we lack we will always lack. When we are thankful for what we have, the Lord will bless it beyond our comprehension.

There is always enough. I am always enough. You are always enough. He will always provide. Your focus determines your blessing.

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Nik Curfman 12/13/20 Nik Curfman 12/13/20

Abstraction: My Honest Prayer

Time to let Love be what it is, our great covering and unifier.

Lord, I’m going inside now.

Give me the grace and humility and kindness to be part of your church.

I can hear the shouts and amens from the parking lot.

There’s storm clouds overhead, dark and cold.

I can’t make out the words but I can feel the rhythm of the music from where I stand.

The wind is starting to shake the tree tops.

I’ve been standing in the this parking lot for twenty years.

Listened to the songs and felt the beat.

Even said my own prayers.

I learned a lot out here on my own, how to stand, to love.

But this storm is new, unlike any I’ve seen.

Now is not the time to be cynical, afraid, or self-righteous.

We need each other. I need them, and they need me.

Of course, I’m worried. I ain’t them.

We read the Gospel but see a different Savior.

Their’s is a harsh and cruel God. And, needs evil men to accomplish His will.

Mine needs us, His people. Not a pussy grabber.

Still, the thunder once distant, is now getting close.

Time to let Love be what it is, our great covering and unifier.

Lord, I’m going inside now.

Give me the grace, humility, and kindness to be part of your church.

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Nik Curfman 12/3/20 Nik Curfman 12/3/20

Abstraction: Two Words

Perhaps he expelled the devil,

Proclaimed the goodness of Eternal Grace,

And, sung his war hymn.

Still, nights grow long. And there’s only so much a man can help himself.

Two words, powerful as any one man can speak to another.

Probably depends on the man though.

He’s got to question himself, his worth to world.

He’s got wonder if his past is too dark,

And age too old.

Knows his demon is within.

Perhaps he expelled the devil,

Proclaimed the goodness of Eternal Grace,

And, sung his war hymn.

Still, nights grow long. And there’s only so much a man can help himself.

We was all made to be loved, and there’s only so much a man can love himself.

So like a star shining through the cover of night, two spoken words ignite his lonely heart:

“You’re accepted.”

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Nik Curfman 12/2/20 Nik Curfman 12/2/20

Abstraction: What They Say

When they shovel dirt on my cold body, I want them to say,

He lived. He loved. And he never gave up.

He gave me warmth when I was cold, light when I was blind,

And he put my hand in the hand of the Flame.

When we gather around a loved one gone dark,

We put aside their ugly flaws.

We celebrate what they brought to the world,

the light shining through them.

It is certain, some men shine brighter than others, for longer, to the benefit of more.

But every man and woman is a candle in search of the Flame.

I don’t know how bright I shine,

But who does?

I don’t know if my light will grow or fade, or how long I’ve got left.

But, I plan to stand and suffer the fate of a man willing to flicker in the dark,

when the night is long empty, the wind is strong, and my soul wants to yield.

May I stand and shine.

When they shovel dirt on my cold body, I want them to say,

He lived. He loved. And he never gave up.

He gave me warmth when I was cold, light when I was blind,

And he put my hand in the hand of the Flame.

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Nik Curfman 11/25/20 Nik Curfman 11/25/20

Abstraction: Today is the Day

Whatever is known and unknown doesn’t impact today as much what you believe today is for.

Live. Fight. Believe. Exercise the faith of the ancients, and do what you can.

Cry, bleed, and curse if need be, but carpe diem damnit.

We live in constant state of critique, regretting the past and agonizing over the future.

The present is never good enough despite being all we have. What a sad state to live in.

Yesterday and all the days before it are history- maybe not particularly noteworthy, but history nonetheless.

The future is unknown regardless of what anyone says or sells you.

Even God changes His plans.

The future never was or will be a copy of the past, and it is rarely what we expect.

But for today, it is the thing!

Now is the moment to live and be in love, to escape the pain of the past and guide the coming future.

Whatever is known and unknown doesn’t impact today as much what you believe today.

Live. Fight. Believe. Exercise the faith of the ancients, and do what you can.

Cry, bleed, and curse if need be, but carpe diem damnit.

And never stop. This is our task in life. To take what we have, what we’ve been given, and daily sing the songs of our heart until they become the anthems sung over graves.

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Nik Curfman 11/21/20 Nik Curfman 11/21/20

Abstraction: The Trail Worth Taking

I stood at the base of mountain, in the shadow cast by the sun hidden by far the ridge.

My eyes wandered to the shining peak, then back to darkness around me.

Restlessly, my feet sank into the damp earth as I considered my options.

I stood at the base of mountain, in the shadow cast by the sun as it slid behind the ridge.

My eyes wandered to the shining peak, then back to the gloomy darkness around me.

Restlessly, my feet sank into the damp earth as I pondered my options.

The road I know is well worn, smooth from use, and crowded by those unwilling or unable to climber higher.

This avenue is forever wide and weary, but safe.

Then, I studied the mountain trail. It’s steep and rocky.

It narrow as it climbs, and the path looks harassed by the worst of weather.

Onward still, the Way seems to disappear behind sharp rocks, only to resurface miles away- to where the sun bakes those who dare travel there.

Despite all of the uncertainty and danger, I felt the call of the Mountain- to be brave.

“The journey is worth the strain,” she whispered.

“You will experience joy and see the world in glorious ways you could never imagine from the shadow.

Come to me.

Let Me love you.”

I thought about my options once more, the safe shadow or the treacherous mountain hike.

I mourned those I would leave behind.

This is not a group trek, each of us must decide for ourselves.

Humans can walk together, but we can never truly carry each other.

I want to behold the mystery of the mountain and believe in something greater than safety.

I want to live, and my best life will be climbing this mountain, not living in its shadow.

Decision made, I spot the trail head through the dawn.

It’s my time to go.

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Nik Curfman 11/18/20 Nik Curfman 11/18/20

Abstraction: From Pity to Victory

This quiet silence was ordained from before time was set in motion, this minute the opportunity to strike back against the darkness and scream NOT TODAY SATAN.

It’s quiet in this empty apartment, the kind of quiet when the low hum of the fridge covers the silence,

And I can hear every breath I take.

It’s a lonely quiet, the kind of loneliness looking to pilfer my gratitude and peace.

My thoughts try to pull my heart out from its sunken hole, but logic is not our friend in this hour.

Feelings rule the moment, and the quiet loneliness is a sign to be read with lower head and watery eyes.

This is what you are worth. All the electronic connection doesn’t mean shit when all you want is to feel the hand of someone you love on your back. And if you were worth anything, you wouldn’t sit alone in empty apartment, typing your feelings into the internet.

Yes. I type my emotions into the internet. It helps to confess the loneliness I feel, the empty state of my condition.

Feelings aren’t facts.

This quiet silence was ordained from before time was set in motion, this minute the opportunity to strike back against the darkness and scream NOT TODAY SATAN.

Not ever you lying motherf*cker, you evil piece of shit.

I know who I am. I am Nicklaus, son of the High God of Everything.

I refuse to sit in my pity or give into depression. Every attack you launch only makes me stronger, my testimony more powerful, and my spirit soar.

You have no place in my heart or mind. The old tricks won’t work.

Oh? Thought I didn’t notice?

The porn stuff? Yeah, that’s old news bro.

You can keep your weed and alcohol too. And, you know I’m not going to eat myself into a coma.

Nah. I’ve taken the beatings and held onto the hand of my King.

He has set me on a pale horse, and I am coming back for the others.

F*ck off, now and forever. I will concede nothing to you. Not one sniffle, insult, or shudder of anxiety. Whatever small skirmish you win, know this: YOU’VE LOST THE WAR.

NOT BY MIGHT OR BY POWER, BUT BY MY SPIRIT SAYS THE LORD!