Walk in the Woods

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Abstraction: Die Happy

The world is full of compromised purpose and the resulting self-hatred.

Don’t compromise yourself for someone else’s life.

Fight for yourself as He created you to be.

Go after the dreams He put in your heart.

Die happy.

A life worth living has battles worth fighting, and the satisfaction is in the winning.

The winning might not come in the form of a trophy or public recognition,

Maybe it’s a lesson, knowledge gained, or priceless experience.

Perhaps it’s in the doing, the risk of the choice, and the joy of knowing failure happens only when you quit.

Larger prizes await the brave, this is certain.

Love shared, hearts mended, and the bliss of eternal connection. The tangible realization we are never, ever, alone.

Further still, should we press on toward the more, which blesses others, we discover what it means to lead.

True leadership is when one soul carves through the rock to free the others.

It loves to the last breath,

Lives to believe in the Good beyond good, and the Holy beyond religion.

A life worth living is one worth wanting, and never being satisfied with anything else.

There is joy, love, and triumph on the other side of risk and failure.

You are worth your effort.

The world is full of compromised purpose and the resulting self-hatred.

Don’t compromise yourself for someone else’s life.

Fight for yourself as He created you to be.

Go after the dreams He put in your heart.

Die happy.

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Abstraction: 40 Years A Gift

Like I said, I love me. And I wouldn’t be me without all that.

I paid a steep price to stand, and reflect, and love the person I see in front of me.

Indeed, without question or hesitation…I’d absolutely pay that price again.

I’m worth it.

I’m standing on my side of the mirror, to see the me I am at 40.

I’ve traded my respectable high fade for shoulder length locks.

My cheeks, once plump, seem to disappear behind my uncut beard.

I am thinner now than ever before, a symbol of something greater than a few lost pounds.

I stare into my eyes, my wonderful blue eyes, and brush the steaks of tears from my face.

I love who I am.

Standing in front of myself, I think about my life. Neither the good or the bad, I wouldn’t trade a single moment for another.

Even more, I’d do it all over again.

Every failure, every heart break, every single second of anguish and suicidal loneliness?

Yes.

I’d do it again.

Each trial and every battle is now a stone on which I rise.

I wouldn’t know what I know, have the faith I carry, or overflow with love without them.

I’d drink till I pass out, pretend to be someone I’m not, and steal food from work.

I’d drift from job to job, and date the drug addict.

I’d spend hours screaming in the dark for answers and wondering why I don’t fit in.

I’d trust the Spirit, and reject Pride.

I’d choose Love over Shame.

I’d stick to my promise to follow Him.

Like I said, I love me. And I wouldn’t be me without all that.

I paid a steep price to stand, and reflect, and love the person I see in front of me.

Indeed, without question or hesitation…I’d absolutely pay that price again.

I’m worth it.

(One of the greatest gifts of my life is to see my life as a gift. Even the messy bits polite people would rather forget.)

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Abstraction: Stage Fright

I am proud. I am hope. I am faith.

I am the reflection of the one who Loves me.

In my breath words of life, to set the slaves free.

Fear of the stage, of all the focused eyes expecting a moment worthy of their gaze.

The sunk feeling- whatever I am, isn’t good enough to feed their need.

I am an embarrassment, a living humiliation in constant lack of good.

These are the thoughts and feelings of a child, yet they dominate the reality of a grown man.

As years turn into decades and stage after stage eluded, the boy now a man remains scared of focused attention.

But, He is the wind, the tide, and the rain.

He is the eternal force, scraping away my sorrow and pain, to expose the purpose preserved in the rock below.

I will fear no platform, no elevated stone.

If I am worthy of Him. I am worthy of me.

I am enough for anyone.

My destiny was never to be what they need, rather to always to be me.

I am proud. I am hope. I am faith.

I am the reflection of the one who Loves me.

In my breath words of life, to set the slaves free.

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Abstraction: What I Deny Myself

I deny myself the touch I most long to feel, because I assume He feels the same way about me as I do.

Thankfully, He does not.

No judgement I may level or feeling I feel is as real as His love for me.

Once, twice, and a third loop I made around the dusty gravel parking lot.

Out of habit I continued to march, and search without aim for an answer.

Between the low hum of the highway beyond the road and the crunch of gravel below, I mumbled a tired prayer.

Then my thoughts turned dark, as the day began to fade behind mountains and her friends.

I felt cut off from the One I long to love, and my heart burdened by sorrow.

This seemed to be the perfect setting for my state of being.

Though surrounded by beauty, I am featureless and gray, tinged with sad regret. My highest purpose is to be used by others when they need me.

My life reduced to the tasks I complete and the promises I keep, “What am I worth?” I wonder.

He answered softly, “I am always in you. It is you who judges you and dismisses Me.”

“When you deny your worth, you punish yourself. And we suffer the disconnect you imagine now.”

“But I am still, and always, here with you.”

For the first time, I looked up.

The stars now awake, began to light their lamps for the evening show. The grief of the day replaced by the splendor of a starry night sky.

This is why I show up to dusty parking lots on the backside of nowhere.

To find my way back to Him, through the pain and self-pity, until my hand is holding His.

Whatever distance I sense is the punishment I inflict when I feel I am not worthy.

I deny myself the touch I most long to feel, because I assume He feels the same way about me as I do.

Thankfully, He does not.

No judgement I may level or feeling I feel is as real as His love for me.

As an ancient poetically once wrote:

“I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God.”

Amen.

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Abstraction: Sun and Stars

In the sun we do, and under the stars we dream. Always surrounded by His majesty.

What an honor and delight to be alive, to experience the blessing of a universe packed with life and wonder.

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She is a consistent reminder of His faithfulness.

Churning and burning for us, she showers us with life and warmth.

Our life an extension of her own. Our ancient sun, the sustainer of life.

As one blessing fades with the day, another is reviled. Glory to Glory.

As one sun hides behind the turn of Earth, a million suns come to play.

They dance and shine, each one a light of the night. In unison, a display of His creative mind.

In the sun we do, and under the stars we dream. Always surrounded by His majesty.

What an honor and delight to be alive, to experience the blessing of a universe packed with life and wonder.

Thank you, Father.

 

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Abstraction: Greater Than We Know

Every single disciple He called, loved, and trained, deserted Him. In His darkest hour, not one remained. Even still, upon His return from death, Jesus went to be with them.

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Peter pledged his undying devotion and loyalty, a grand gesture of his virtue. But Jesus knew. Peter would blow with the breeze, the power of his words to vanish in the face of fear and death.

James and John, their egos and need to sit atop a hierarchy on display, didn’t understand. Jesus didn’t come to serve the pride of man.

And Thomas, our eternal example, his pain so great, lost his faith. How many of us are the same- trauma shaping our fate?

Every single disciple He called, loved, and trained, deserted Him. In His darkest hour, not one remained. Even still, upon His return from death, Jesus went to be with them.

This is the greatness of Jesus, the Father’s Love promise. Whatever we are and what we do, He remains.

The Incredulity of Saint Thomas by Caravaggio is one of my favorite paintings. I identify with Thomas, the look on his face as his doubt is confronted by the truth of the risen Jesus. More recently I find peace in the face of Jesus. I know now, He i…

The Incredulity of Saint Thomas by Caravaggio is one of my favorite paintings. I identify with Thomas, the look on his face as his doubt is confronted by the truth of the risen Jesus. More recently I find peace in the face of Jesus. I know now, He is content to address our weakness. He is patient and kind to heal our battered hearts, and renew our broken minds.


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Abstraction: It’s Not Fair

Dirty, ugly, uncertain, weak, impulsive, indecisive, spoiled, flakey, arrogant, demanding, spineless, cruel, angry, boring, dickish… whatever label we accept and stick our souls are not from Him.

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It’s not fair to invite someone into our chaos,

It’s not a sin, but it is asking a lot.

When we don’t know who we are, where we are going,

We demand a lot of faith related to things worth knowing.

But…

Who among us is without sin,

Who of us has life wrapped up, nothing to be forgiven?

Absolutely, life is not fair- how we treat others, the reflection of the unfairness we aim at ourselves.

Dirty, ugly, uncertain, weak, impulsive, indecisive, spoiled, flakey, arrogant, demanding, spineless, cruel, angry, boring, dickish… whatever label we accept and stick our souls are not from Him.

His words are of love, yes and amen.

He doesn’t demand fairness or count the cost.

He said we are worth it, and paid with with His life lost.

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Abstraction: The Rebel Returns

My soul wants to live, to be foolish, to challenge the impossible.

And I can’t do that on my own. That’s why I’m headed home.

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He isn’t an extravagant sinner. He is me.

For I too am a prodigal son, walking the dusty road back home.

I took my talents and my energy, and I spent them on the dreams I thought I needed.

I struggled to be a million things I could never be.

I’ve got my Father’s genes, my Father’s heart.

I could never be happy running numbers and counting coins.

My soul wants to live, to be foolish, to challenge the impossible.

And I can’t do that on my own. That’s why I’m headed home.

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A: Is the Sun Silent

I closed my eyes to push the tears down my face.

No. He doesn’t care about quality or pedigree. And, I am not alone.

He hugs my heart, speaks wisdom to my mind, and purpose to my soul.

This is light and life.

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I sat on the dewy grass to stare at the sun as it set beyond the mountains.

Another day nearly done.

I wondered if the sun makes sound.

After all, it is a firey ball of exploding gases.

Or perhaps is works in silence as it showers us with light and life?

My thoughts faded as it dipped below the mountain tops.

And as the last glimpses of the day held on, my mind turned to God.

For a few cold moments, I felt abandoned.

Why?

To know God, to have faith, and still to doubt.

This is human.

Lord, where are you? I asked in a whisper.

Finally, I heard His voice.

I am here, He whispered back.

I feel empty. Like a failure. Again.

His answer surprised me.

I asked you to stay with Me, and you did.

You continue to show up. And, I’m proud of you.

I do not measure you with a ruler and checked boxes.

I do not judge you by your failures or careless words.

I relish your open heart and you honor Me with your dedication.

This is your success.

Now, finish whatever you start.

Do not fear the middle of the trip.

And do not look to the next step, rather focus your heart and mind to task at hand.

I closed my eyes to push the tears down my face.

No. He doesn’t care about my quality or pedigree. And, I am not alone.

He hugs my heart, cleanses my mind, and gifts my soul with purpose.

This is the sound of eternal Light and Life.

He is no silent Son.


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A: Come With Me

Nah. I can’t go back. I won’t. I left my fears on the porch, and they will rust there.

I know what I look like, wandering around out here in the fog.

I look silly.

Yes! You can come with me.

Please! Join me out here in the fog of the Great Unknown.

Yes, I understand. The house is comfortable. Very comfortable indeed.

But…it is also a place of idealism, judgment, and perpetual lack. Right?

Are you happy with that?

Nah. I can’t go back. I won’t. I left my fears on the porch, and they will rust there.

Yep. I know what I look like, wandering around out here in the gray fog.

I look silly.

But He is here too.

He uses a wonky walk to get me to laugh, and guides my steps

He’s given me faith, divine purpose, and grace.

So yeah, the Fog is now my home and my Shelter- my source of life and love.

And I?

I am the me I could never be, back at that old house.



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A: Keep Fishing

Out of shear deference to His request, we turn back to the sea. We lower our nets unaware of what is happening. This isn’t about prizes or fish, it’s about God showing us He’s God. Faith isn’t a feeling or super power, it’s in the doing.

They struggled all night through the dark and frustration. How many times did they lower their nets only to pull them back empty? At what point did hope turn to doubt, and doubt to angst?

Isn’t life like that, full hopes vanish into empty nets?

With visions of a secure future, we lower our hopes into the deep. We know, without doubt, our prize is down there. And oh what a prize, the trophy meant to secure our future and settle our stature.

Once, twice, three times we pull the nets back, each turn a blow to out resolve. Our ego springs into action and buoys our sinking hope. We remind ourself ‘anything worth doing is hard’ and ‘and empty nets are part of the process.’

We shift out stance, change form, run the numbers in our minds, anything to justify our continued search for the elusive prize. Day churns into night, and the horizon to the East begins to lighten. Day is coming, and we are empty handed.

The new day brings only pain. They know we are out here, striving to find our reward. Public failure is the worst. It’s only human nature to back a winner, and we lost. The empty net is a failure resonating through out lives.

Even in this humiliation wisdom exists, when we let Him into the boat. Against our will, He asks for trust. Even more, He asks us- tired and weary- to go back out into the deep.

Here is the breaking point for most of us. When we are at our end, empty and exhausted, He asks for more, He asks us to have faith. It is a faith we don’t believe we have.

Out of shear deference to His request, we turn back to the sea. We lower our nets unaware of what is happening. This isn’t about prizes or fish, it’s about God showing us He’s God. Faith isn’t a feeling or super power, it’s in the doing.

Soon, we behold the harvest only possible in His presence- nets full beyond our ability to contain them. And this is where we begin our tale.

From faith we find He has a purpose meant just for us. Whatever we were will inform the higher destiny of what we become.


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A: My Morning Walks Are Not Routine

I walk early each morning because I expect in faith to be met by Jesus. His arrival is no less spectacular, even though it is expected.

No one encountering God can call it boring. And is never routine.

Routine, a fixed action, is nothing special. It is the slow drone of the flat but necessary functions of life.

To the outside judge, my predawn rise probably looks routine.

I shut off my alarm, make my bed, and dress for the weather. Not yet fully awake, I grab my water bottle and lace my dusty yellow sneakers.

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Six or seven minutes later, I walk down a well worn path to a trail lined with oaks and the occasional Foothill Pine.

I require no headphones and desire no human companion on these morning walks, although I do enjoy the kindness of those I encounter.

Seems rather ordinary I suppose, to the outsider. Boring even. It is the downfall of the judge, never living, never knowing the fullness of life is in the doing.

What looks dull and unremarkable is anything but.

While I desire no human interaction, I am not alone. He is with me. And we talk. A lot.

In this space I find gratitude, peace, and the ability to move into the stillness of the unknown.

Further down the path, my mind becomes quiet. I listen to the robins tweet and squirrels shout warnings to one another as I pass.

I practice being present, and in it I am able to enjoy the subtle yet constant change of the natural world around me:

The death and resurrection of wild flowers.

The constant preparation of the squirrels for winter.

And the daily change of the time and path of the sun.

No. There is nothing routine in this dedication. Wonder is present in the daily progression of the seasons, and each season offers a new joy.

My body also bares the fruit of my labor, my legs slimmer, my waist thinner, and my mind clearer. Most especially, my heart is full of His glory.

I walk early each morning because I expect in faith to be met by Jesus. His arrival is no less spectacular, even though it is expected.

No one encountering God can call it boring. And is never routine.

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