Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 11/2/20 Nik Curfman 11/2/20

Daily Journal: #106 Suffering is Part of Life

People who take risks aren’t idiots. They are willing to fail and suffer because they believe whatever is on the other side is worth the trip. It’s that simple. It’s immature to believe we can avoid this journey in areas of life like marriage. It’s immature to believe we can find the “right” person. (Right meaning safe and perfect.)

Sunday, I went to a friend’s house to socialize, smoke spare ribs, and watch football. In the waning moments of Seahawks/49ers game, the group discussion turned to dating. My buddy Nathan has an upcoming date with a very colorful young lady. She is not like anyone in this group of friends, so naturally it’s cause for concern. It wasn’t long before one of the gang used a phrase that makes me cringe: red flags. The young lady at question has red flags according to this self-appointed judge. I held my tongue. Newsflash bud, everyone has red flags.

Immaturity on Display

Pain is real. Our first, yet immature, instinct is to avoid it. I will add, our desire to avoid pain is practical. As children we learn the stove is hot, ice is slick, and bad grades are unacceptable. More subtly, we are taught to do what we are told, to live lives acceptable to others, and mistakes are unacceptable. When we become adults we see failure and disappointment as blights on our souls. (She dated a deadbeat. Something must be wrong with her.) Ultimately, we learn safety is the first goal of any venture.

I spent much of my adult life trying to avoid being seen as foolish, and I hate to feel humiliated. It goes back to when I was a kid. Several times I experienced severe stage fright. Which is a bit odd when I think back on it. I didn’t have a problem being a class clown. Something about being the center of attention overwhelmed me, but off the cuff? No problem. I’ve entertained hundreds of people at football games with my in-game commentary. (Literally. I’ve had an entire section of this stadium laugh at my jokes. Multiple times. My brother and I kinda had an unofficial, totally improved comedy routine.)

My point is I once believed I could tease the pain out of my life, that I could avoid being seen as foolish, avoid public humiliation. It’s not true. I want to live a life on the edge of my being, in pursuit of Jesus. It’s uncool and likely to exact a price. So be it. I’m tired of being afraid to make mistakes. My heart was meant to be used, so what’s the point of protecting it.

Balls Out, Heart Out

The best parts of life are when we are in motion. I have rarely experienced the greatness of God sitting on my ass waiting for something miraculous to happen. I gambled multiple times in the last twelve month, and I lost everything on those bets. On paper. On paper, I lost my business partnership and suffered a heart-wrenching breakup. I opened myself to possibilities and the fruit was not what I wanted, but it was nonetheless good.

The Lord shows up and meets me when I move and put my faith on the line. Wisdom is not the avoidance of disappointment but in the acceptance of it. If we do not let disappointment beat us down, we win. Suffering is absolutely part of life. Our loved ones will die. Jobs we thought were awesome will exhaust us. And our relationship with the Lord will sour from time to time, in need of refreshment.

People who take risks aren’t idiots. They are willing to fail and suffer because they believe whatever is on the other side is worth the trip. It’s that simple. It’s immature to believe we can avoid this journey in areas of life like marriage. It’s immature to believe we can find the “right” person. (Right meaning safe and perfect.)

Grace Grace

On my walk this morning, I found a weak spot in my heart. I’ve held anger toward the person who brought up “red flags.” This person is tied up in fear, trying to be perfect. They expect perfection from a date or significant other. They can’t see the inherent flaws in that perspective. It’s easy to sit in judgment of others from the sidelines.

What my friend needs isn’t my anger but my love and prayers. I can hear the strain in their voice and the idealism dominating their heart. They apply these judgments to themself first, so I know whatever they express about others is a fraction of the dialogue of their mind. It’s a shitty place to live, wanting more but unable to move.

Lord, touch my friends with grace and patience. Break the cycle of perfection and shame. Let them see and experience the goodness of Your love. Let them know they must move. It’s dangerous, but worth it. Mistakes will be made. Worth it.

Lord, set us free from idealism and performance.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 9/10/20 Nik Curfman 9/10/20

DJ: #58 Crossing the Items Off My List

I feel like a walking miracle. All the things that once consumed me and I measured my life by, He cares about. I get it now. Deep in my heart I know my place is with Him, and I’ve got perfect view to watch Him work.

In 2015, I sat in a prayer chapel and seethed under my breath to the Lord. I hated my job. I hated my life. I hated myself. I was hopelessly single, in debt, over-weight as ever, and coming off a porn binge. To top it all, earlier in the week the friend who helped land the job I now hated, was fired. It left me alone in an office of small-minded people. (Oh, and I turned down another job with double the salary to work for these clowns.) What the actual f-ck was I doing in Redding? Why had the Lord brought me thousands of miles from my home?

*Found my journal entry from the day. Kinda comical to think about.*

I spewed every angry thought and feeling I held. My rant included many f-bombs. And I’m not sure how long it lasted, but I was not brief, no gripe was left unexpressed. Should you be interested, no. The chapel was not empty on that bright summer day, so I suppose someone heard the chubby guy cuss up a storm in the corner. Here is a more tame excerpt from what I wrote in my journal.

August 19, 2015
A year ago, I believed I was headed toward a great future- even if unknown- and now all I see is endless failure, surrounded by the same old shit. I feel like a chaotic mix of entitlement and violation.

That day was also a day I experienced new sweetness of the Lord. After my honest confession, He found it right to comfort me. I was hurting and He knew it. He took all my complaints and rudeness. He absorbed every word. Yet no rebuke came, no words of judgment or condemnation. His answer was short and simple: to seek Him. In this answer I knew what His heart said to mine. Come find Me Nik. I’ll take care of the rest.

And so I did. For a few months I got up early to seek the Lord every morning. This is from the very next morning, from a discussion with a Saint:

August 20, 2015
He told me not to be a martyr, to value myself. Many people seek figurative or literal martyrdom for their own glory.

I mentally understood what I writing, but I was too immature to know what he was meant or how it applied to me. That time in the autumn of 2015 was a nugget, a seed. This year, when everything started to unravel, and I watched my hopes burn, that seed blossomed. I knew what to do. All of the mental understandings and directives from the Lord became food for my heart. The wisdom given to me by an ancient saint came alive and is forever imbedded in my DNA. Seek the Lord. Value me. I don’t have to sacrifice my being. I am enough. Everything will work out along the way.

I have nothing but praise for a God so kind as to meet me when I drew near, and to let me wander when I decided to take control. He never left, but stayed patient. And now, I’m never going back to my way of living. I can’t. For example, today I decided to turn down a job interview with a great company. My main source of motivation to interview for the job was money. In fact, it was my only motivation. When I entertained the idea, all I could think about was what I’d do with the cash.

Having just gotten out of a similar situation, why would I ever do that again?

From a higher perspective, I’ve been in this scenario before. I start to walk closely with the Lord, I become happy, then I get ambitious. I reach for something beyond me. I leave the shadow of His presence. All the plans I make turn to dust, and I end up a miserable puddle of shame. However, 2020 is a different year. I choose Jesus. I choose to do what gives me life. Do I want and need more money? Yes, I do. The question is, do I trust the Lord? Yes, I do. I trust him enough to sit my ass at His feet for the rest of my life. I trust Him more than I need money.

I’ll give you this, which is also the reason for the title of this post. My trust in Jesus is not blind. He’s delivered on His promise to care for me. Remember the list of frustrations from 2015 (relationship status, money, porn, job, weight)? He’s delivering on them right now:

Relationship status? Still single. Believed I had the one earlier this year. Either way, I’m closer than ever.
Money? Still in debt, but I’ve paid off $7,000 since last year. So that’s progress. Plus, I have some savings and investments I didn’t have a year ago.
Porn? Haven’t had an issue with it in a long time. Which is awesome.
Job? I like what I do in marketing. There’s room for growth there too, and I like who I work with. So that’s good.
Weight? Lowest I’ve been since 2016. Once I break 220, I’ll be at my lowest weight since 1998. 22 years ago.

It’s quite amazing to watch all this happen day-by-day. I feel like a walking miracle. All the things that once consumed me and I measured my life by, He cares about. I get it now. Deep in my heart I know my place is with Him, and I’ve got perfect view to watch Him work. He’s crossing items off my list.

Nik Curfman 8/29/20 Nik Curfman 8/29/20

DJ: #47 Forty Year Old Wisdom

For my small band of readers, I want to offer the little wisdom I have. And because wisdom is eternal, none of it is new or original. Still, what I have I give to you.

If you ever wonder, does life get better as you age? My answer is yes. If you chase after it. Even with some recent disappointments, I wouldn’t trade my life with anyone else. I’m grateful for the life I’ve lived, as I’ve lived it. The desire to “go back and fix” our past is useless. All we can do is embrace the movement forward. Willingly or unwillingly, life will move on.

For my small band of readers, I want to offer the little wisdom I have. And because wisdom is eternal, none of it is new or original. Still, what I have I give to you.

Jesus is real. The actual God of the Universe and beyond walked this earth, breathed our air, and burned under the same sun we do. He is our Light and our Exemplar. His love is genuine and everlasting. And He is always available, ready to connect.
Let your meat rest after you cook it. Can’t stress this enough. Regardless of animal or cut, let your meat rest for a minimum of five minutes, ideally ten, before you cut into it. For big roasts and whole chickens, more like fifteen to twenty minutes.
Self-pity is not a virtue. With a truck-ton of experience to back me up on this, “feeling sorry for yourself” will accomplish zero in your life. I do not lack empathy for anyone, especially when life stacks up losses. The people I admire are the people who fight on and can laugh in the face of life’s bullshit.
Similar to the last: Being a victim is not a choice, staying a victim is. Rain is going to fall on you. Relationships will collapse, hopes will burn to ruin, and shame will come calling. So what? You are not your failures. Do not allow your pain to define you or drag you into shame.
Don’t let perfect defeat good. Perfect doesn’t exist. Don’t idealize jobs, institutions, leaders, people, or places. Once your stare hard enough you’ll see the cracks, and you’ll only have yourself to blame for having put the pedestal in place.
You are not alone. Depression and anxiety whisper “you’re stuck and alone.” That’s bullshit. You are a human. And whatever problems you face, others have faced. They were not special. You are not the exception. You can defeat the dragon.
Fight the dragon before it eats you. If you know you’re holding onto fear, or anger, or whatever, GO AFTER THAT SONOFABITCH! Don’t wait for your worries to run your life, because they will.
If you don’t like you, no amount of love will be enough. My search for self-affection took a long time. I set the final pieces in place this year, and it’s fantastic. Compliments mean far less than they ever did. So wild how that works.
Exercise. Everyday. A walk in nature is best. Not joking. Read this study, and this study, and this study.
Chill out. You’re gonna be ok. Start by telling yourself, “I’m gonna be ok” over and over.
The Christian walk is about way more than avoiding sin and constant self improvement. Walking with Jesus is an honor of joy. Creating room for Jesus to be Jesus ultimately leads to everything good and satisfying in life. Cut yourself some slack, and breath when the weight feels heavy.
Pray. All the time. About Everything. Yes. Jesus is one-hundred percent interested in every detail of your life- your gassy lunch, that dude at work, politics, everything. Which leads to…
Be honest in prayer. If you’re feeling disconnected, pissed-off, happy, horny, sad, tired, sleepy, jacked, overwhelmed, busy, lazy, unappreciated, overstimulated, unworthy, peaceful, thankful…etc, start there. I can’t stress enough how much the Lord needs us to be honest when we pray, mostly for us. The Father does not want to hear what we think we should say. Talk about what’s real in your life. Once or twice a week I start with, “Lord, I’m feeling sorry for myself.” Within a few minutes I am no longer mired in self-pity.
Show up everyday, do something buried in your heart to do. Your heart, my heart, and your mom’s heart have something in them we want to do. A longing. We ache and sour when that thing is ignored and belittled. Let your heart breath and grow.
Drink more water.
Eat more veggies. As American’s, we don’t do veggies really well. Also, we think corn is vegetable. It is not. If you need help, look to Asia or Europe for ideas. YouTube is a great resource to learn how to cook greens or eggplant or cauliflower.
Stop watching bullshit. Stop listening to bullshit. Stop reading bullshit. Whatever we put into our soul influences how we see the world and interpret life. I love Elliott Smith’s music, but it’s depressing AF. Dude had a rough life, so I can’t listen to it.
You will always find a reason to do something…or not do that thing. This is from my dad, but it’s true. We humans are quite amazing at finding ways to motivate or defeat ourselves.
You will always encounter resistance when it comes to anything worth doing. Start a business? Get into a new relationship? Change careers? The promise of something good eventually gives way to the path of its realization, which is difficult for every worth while venture. KEEP GOING.
Laugh. A lot. At dumb things. Our 21st century worship of the intellect is a damn travesty. It sucks the joy and wonder from the world far too often. Let yourself find joy in the silly and unexpected.
You can’t carry the world on your shoulders. I’ve tried. Many have tried. You are the rule, as we were. Let it go.
When you need to know what side the gas tank is, look at the gas gauge. Every car has an arrow on the gas gauge, and that gas gauge points to the side of the gas cap, right or left.
Butter, salt and pepper, and a touch of vinegar will make nearly anything taste better. Fat, acid, salt. I think that’s book. I’m not sure, but it’s basic Food Theory 101.
Quit trying to be an expert. True expertise requires years of dedication and intent. If you haven’t spent years intentionally engaged in something, lower your expectations. Be kind to yourself.
Talent is real, but it means nothing without dedication and persistence. Success is about endurance and grit. Ever see someone doing something and think “I could do that.” The truth is you probably could, but do you have their endurance?
Discounts are great, but not on the following items: Knives. Tattoos. Seafood. Contractors. Mattresses. Lawyers.
Be disciplined, not controlled. Discipline is how we decided to respond to life. Control is how we try to get others to respond to life.
Challenge the narrative in your head. When we get anxious or stressed, we usually only see two choices: the ideal we want or the certain disaster. I love to ask myself “What if that’s not true? What else is possible?”
Speak life and you will have it. Listen to your thoughts and the words you speak. Are you speaking life to yourself? To others? Cynicism is the shield of the afraid and downtrodden. Pick your head up. Speak life over yourself, and don’t stop till you position your heart toward heaven.
Cultivate gratitude. Every single person has something to be grateful for. And most of us are lucky enough to have many blessings. Take time to recognize it in your life. Every, damn, day.
Judgment and comparison are thieves of life. If you find yourself in a position of constant judgment of others, or comparing your life to others…that’s your problem. It’s an act of self-protection. Take your ass on to Jesus and work through it.
Lard makes a superior buttermilk biscuit. I’ve tried shortening and butter. But lard makes a far superior biscuit.
Carbs are not evil, but too many carbs will make you fat. Enjoy your breads, potatoes, and rice noodles. Just make sure you eat your veggies and drink plenty of water.
Wild animals are…wild…animals. You should expect a wild animal to act like a wild animal no matter how cute or tame they may appear.
Procrastination is overhyped. I work better under the gun of a deadline. And I love the energy I get from knowing I’ve got to get a project finished. Besides, even if I’m not working on a project, I am thinking about it.
Trust the Lord with your life. I amaze myself how often I tried to make something work, failed, and yet I’m ok. I’m where I need to be, headed toward the place I need to be. At 40, I trust the Lord.
Love the Lord with all you heart, all your soul, and all your mind. Be patient, kind, long-suffering, forward-moving, enduring, hoping, faithing, forgiving, gracious, persistent, and honest toward the Lord. I’ve walked with the Lord for 20 years. It’s a real relationship. And loving Jesus is the best decision I’ve ever made, and continue to make.
Love your neighbors. Be patient, kind, long-suffering, forward-moving, enduring, hoping, faithing, forgiving, gracious, persistent, and honest toward your neighbors. Jesus never said it would be easy.
Love your enemies. Be patient, kind, long-suffering, forward-moving, enduring, hoping, faithing, forgiving, gracious, persistent, and honest toward your enemies. Only love can change an enemy into a friend.
Love yourself. Be patient, kind, long-suffering, forward-moving, enduring, hoping, faithing, forgiving, gracious, persistent, and honest with yourself. If you don’t love you, you will not believe anyone else can love you.