DJ: #58 Crossing the Items Off My List
In 2015, I sat in a prayer chapel and seethed under my breath to the Lord. I hated my job. I hated my life. I hated myself. I was hopelessly single, in debt, over-weight as ever, and coming off a porn binge. To top it all, earlier in the week the friend who helped land the job I now hated, was fired. It left me alone in an office of small-minded people. (Oh, and I turned down another job with double the salary to work for these clowns.) What the actual f-ck was I doing in Redding? Why had the Lord brought me thousands of miles from my home?
Found my journal entry from the day. Kinda comical to think about.
I spewed every angry thought and feeling I held. My rant included many f-bombs. And I’m not sure how long it lasted, but I was not brief, no gripe was left unexpressed. Should you be interested, no. The chapel was not empty on that bright summer day, so I suppose someone heard the chubby guy cuss up a storm in the corner. Here is a more tame excerpt from what I wrote in my journal.
August 19, 2015
A year ago, I believed I was headed toward a great future- even if unknown- and now all I see is endless failure, surrounded by the same old shit. I feel like a chaotic mix of entitlement and violation.
That day was also a day I experienced new sweetness of the Lord. After my honest confession, He found it right to comfort me. I was hurting and He knew it. He took all my complaints and rudeness. He absorbed every word. Yet no rebuke came, no words of judgment or condemnation. His answer was short and simple: to seek Him. In this answer I knew what His heart said to mine. Come find Me Nik. I’ll take care of the rest.
And so I did. For a few months I got up early to seek the Lord every morning. This is from the very next morning, from a discussion with a Saint:
August 20, 2015
He told me not to be a martyr, to value myself. Many people seek figurative or literal martyrdom for their own glory.
I mentally understood what I writing, but I was too immature to know what he was meant or how it applied to me. That time in the autumn of 2015 was a nugget, a seed. This year, when everything started to unravel, and I watched my hopes burn, that seed blossomed. I knew what to do. All of the mental understandings and directives from the Lord became food for my heart. The wisdom given to me by an ancient saint came alive and is forever imbedded in my DNA. Seek the Lord. Value me. I don’t have to sacrifice my being. I am enough. Everything will work out along the way.
I have nothing but praise for a God so kind as to meet me when I drew near, and to let me wander when I decided to take control. He never left, but stayed patient. And now, I’m never going back to my way of living. I can’t. For example, today I decided to turn down a job interview with a great company. My main source of motivation to interview for the job was money. In fact, it was my only motivation. When I entertained the idea, all I could think about was what I’d do with the cash.
Having just gotten out of a similar situation, why would I ever do that again?
From a higher perspective, I’ve been in this scenario before. I start to walk closely with the Lord, I become happy, then I get ambitious. I reach for something beyond me. I leave the shadow of His presence. All the plans I make turn to dust, and I end up a miserable puddle of shame. However, 2020 is a different year. I choose Jesus. I choose to do what gives me life. Do I want and need more money? Yes, I do. The question is, do I trust the Lord? Yes, I do. I trust him enough to sit my ass at His feet for the rest of my life. I trust Him more than I need money.
I’ll give you this, which is also the reason for the title of this post. My trust in Jesus is not blind. He’s delivered on His promise to care for me. Remember the list of frustrations from 2015 (relationship status, money, porn, job, weight)? He’s delivering on them right now:
Relationship status? Still single. Believed I had the one earlier this year. Either way, I’m closer than ever.
Money? Still in debt, but I’ve paid off $7,000 since last year. So that’s progress. Plus, I have some savings and investments I didn’t have a year ago.
Porn? Haven’t had an issue with it in a long time. Which is awesome.
Job? I like what I do in marketing. There’s room for growth there too, and I like who I work with. So that’s good.
Weight? Lowest I’ve been since 2016. Once I break 220, I’ll be at my lowest weight since 1998. 22 years ago.
It’s quite amazing to watch all this happen day-by-day. I feel like a walking miracle. All the things that once consumed me and I measured my life by, He cares about. I get it now. Deep in my heart I know my place is with Him, and I’ve got perfect view to watch Him work. He’s crossing items off my list.
