Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 1/20/21 Nik Curfman 1/20/21

Journal: #181 I Am Strong

My life could get infinitely more difficult in the coming weeks and months. And, that’s ok. Given what I believe about myself and confirmed by others, I’m a stubborn man who brings a lot to any situation or environment. Whatever comes, I was born to overcome it with my face to the Son.

Do you cringe when people give you a compliment, but secretly love it? I’ve been that way. For as long as I can remember I wanted praise and recognition. Then, when the moment came, I couldn’t barely receive the kind words and appreciation. Odd, right?

What’s up with that? Why do we deny ourselves the thing we want? It’s illogical.

I’ve recently received a series of compliments, and rather than reject them I accepted them. I didn’t think twice on it until later in the day. One person called me a mountain goat, and another spent a few minutes detailing the strengths I bring to our marketing team at Cultre. (The mountain goat comparison was about being stubborn- in a good way.)

What I loved about each of those moments was I didn’t need to coach myself into accepting kinds words. Thank God. And yet, there’s a place for them. Kind words are like a drink of cool water you didn’t know you needed. The immature and the entitled can’t accept kindness for the Grace of God it is.

I don’t count myself among the wisest or most mature Christians on the planet, but I am determined to grow and learn. (Considering I am unmarried and without children I figure I’ve still got a lot to learn. It’s a challenge I embrace.) I want to have days like today, when my developer is AWAL so it falls to me to finish a website. We can only grow strong with the wind blows.

Lord, you know what’s going on in my life, and you know I love you. I’m so thankful you took time to build me up and form me into a man ready for the coming hurdles.

I love you, and I’m not letting go. Amen.

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Nik Curfman 7/28/20 Nik Curfman 7/28/20

Your Will Be Done, and He Did

How often have I prayed a prayer and ended with “Lord, do you your will in me.” Those prayers were often prayers laced with longings for things I didn’t possess. And many times, those prayers came back void.

For twenty years I prayed for my circumstances to change, my bank account to grow, relationships to recognize my greatness, and for less porn-related sin in my life. I prayed for my universe to evolve into a place I thought would give me peace and joy. And none of it came, not in the dramatic display I hoped to experience.

And how often have I prayed a prayer which included the words “teach me to love as you love, and remove anything from me blocking my path.” Those prayers were an earnest desire to be loving and kind. I have seen that prayer answered many times.

2020 might be a year many remember as difficult and full of pain. I will not. I will forever remember it as the year I laid down my fears and let the Lord love me, the year I let go of anxiety and control to truly sink into His arms.

It all seems so simple on this side it. I thought by fixing my environment, I’d fix myself. If everything just went my way. The Lord, ever wise and eternal, knows better. If Nik isn’t at peace with himself, doesn’t love himself, believe in himself, none of the rest will be enough. Never enough money or affirmation, never enough success.

I don’t have a plan, but I do possess an aim. To be me. Vulnerable. Strong. Brave. Me. Lord’s will be done.

Amen.