Your Will Be Done, and He Did

How often have I prayed a prayer and ended with “Lord, do you your will in me.” Those prayers were often prayers laced with longings for things I didn’t possess. And many times, those prayers came back void. 

For twenty years I prayed for my circumstances to change, my bank account to grow, relationships to recognize my greatness, and for less porn-related sin in my life. I prayed for my universe to evolve into a place I thought would give me peace and joy. And none of it came, not in the dramatic display I hoped to experience. 

And how often have I prayed a prayer which included the words “teach me to love as you love, and remove anything from me blocking my path.” Those prayers were an earnest desire to be loving and kind. I have seen that prayer answered many times. 

2020 might be a year many remember as difficult and full of pain. I will not. I will forever remember it as the year I laid down my fears and let the Lord love me, the year I let go of anxiety and control to truly sink into His arms. 

It all seems so simple on this side it. I thought by fixing my environment, I’d fix myself. If everything just went my way. The Lord, ever wise and eternal, knows better. If Nik isn’t at peace with himself, doesn’t love himself, believe in himself, none of the rest will be enough. Never enough money or affirmation, never enough success. 

I don’t have a plan, but I do possess an aim. To be me. Vulnerable. Strong. Brave. Me. Lord’s will be done. 

Amen.