Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 4/5/21 Nik Curfman 4/5/21

Journal: #248 A Promise From God

In typical Jesus, He cut through the fear so effortlessly it jarred me out of my self-pity. He gave me a promise. Deep in my soul, I know it will be fulfilled. I will find a great woman, and we will love each other till death.

I’m out at the coast to begin my week. I scheduled this trip weeks ago not knowing just how timely it would be. Most of the drive out here (Blue Lake, CA) I prayed, and at times I cried. My goal was to enjoy the drive through the Trinity mountains along various rivers and creeks, which is quite beautiful.

After I settled into my AirBNB, I went for a drive north up the 101 toward Oregon. There’s an amazing lookout just off the road north of Klamath. It’s a bit of a drive, but every view and turn make the trek worth more than the time and energy given to complete it. No regrets.

The last stop I made was at a beach with black sand and powerful green waves. I walked to edge of the surf and breathed in the salt and the sea. Then I broke.

Five years ago I stood in these same beautiful forests. It was the first time I let myself feel a need for woman- a partner, a best friend, and a companion. Since then, that seed has grown to become a thriving desire I cannot ignore.

I thought she was it, but she wasn’t. (Oh God did I want her. Finally, someone I could love forever.) For all her faults and flaws and immaturity, she was the one. At this point I’m not sure what I was to her. I don’t know what stories she tells herself about me.

The devastating aspect to this whole thing is I almost had what I wanted. I want someone to love, who will let me love them, and receive it. I want to support her dreams, cook dinner, hold her hand at family events, and walk with her when she sinks into Valleys of Death. I want to love and raise our children to be strong and compassionate Jesus-loving people.

As I left the beach yesterday, I began to sob about my empty heart to the Lord. Lord, I’m not a whole person. I just want to love someone for the rest of my life. I feel like a loser. This isn’t writing or drawing. I’m only half of the equation. And the Lord did answer: “Your heart will be more full than you can comprehend or expect.”

Typical Jesus, He cut through the fear so effortlessly it jarred me out of my self-pity. He gave me a promise. Deep in my soul, I know it will be fulfilled. I will find a great woman, and we will love each other till death. In between, we will walk together through every pile of shit, though every desert valley, and over every mountain. We will stop to delight in the blooms of spring, find cool water during the summers, and marvel at the autumn colors. We will travel places and meet people. We will love each other and others fiercely. And we will lavish Grace and favor on our community.

That’s my future. My ask is the Lord prepare me for her. (And, her for me.)

I trust you Lord. Thank you for your promise in the midst of my trial. Thank you for doing everything you said you would in Matthew 5- to those of us who are poor in spirit, crying out for righteousness. You answer with hope and love. I love you Father. Thanks for walking through this with me.

Amen.

Nik Curfman 11/8/20 Nik Curfman 11/8/20

Prayers Answered: #1 COVID And A Baby

For my sake and perhaps yours, I need to keep a record. My eyes look too low too often. Prayers Answered will be a living growing documentation of the blessings and goodness of the Lord.

I decided to add a new category to my blog. Prayers Answered will be posts about the exercise of Faith (the intentional act of making room for God to be God.) I want to swim in Faith and the Glory of God. For my sake and perhaps yours, I need to keep a record. My eyes look too low too often. Prayers Answered will be a living growing documentation of the blessing and goodness of the Lord.

COVID Prayers

The most recent Coronavirus outbreak hit Redding (where I live) hard. Prior to September, I only knew of one person who contracted the virus. As of this posting ,the number now stands at 21. Most of the these people where under 40, young families. One man is in his 60’s, and the virus slammed his body.

After a week of prayer and putting him before the Lord, I am happy to report he is quickly recovering. His recovery was especially quick for the severity and duration he suffered. All we are need now is a negative test result and he’s done with it. Thank God.

Pregnancy Complications

My friend L is on her second pregnancy. Her first pregnancy was not fun, but this round is proving to be more difficult. A few weeks ago, she had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance with complications. Her doctor gave strict orders to go on bed rest and scheduled a c-section. The situation was not improving.

Then, dramatically, it did. All of the complications are gone, and L is on her feet. She is now full-term and finishing the last few projects before her child arrives.

Praise God. Prayer works.

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Nik Curfman 10/23/20 Nik Curfman 10/23/20

Daily Journal: #96 Engaging the Lord Without Sorrow

My previous nature would force me to consider my current situation with fear. I am no longer in crisis, so what now? How do I talk to God if I’m not immediately about to burst? Well…we can talk about something else I suppose. What a crazy concept.

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This summer I battle through a break-up and the dissolution of a business partnership. The defining moments happened on back-to-back days. In a way, it’s almost Biblical. I laugh when I think about it now. In a matter of months I went from “knowing” what my future was to a blank slate. I went back to the start.

The pain I endured was like being tossed by the tide of an angry ocean. The waves of sadness overwhelmed me over and over. The business break-up was in the works, but the end of a relationship I longed to continue? That hurt my heart. Despite her flaws, I wanted her.

I knew I couldn’t fix myself, or isolate in a hole until I felt better. Nope. I was bleeding and needed the Doctor. Thankfully the Lord was with me, and I leaned into Him. Each morning I went to walk with Him, and cried my heart out in the woods. My community, once again, rallied to my side. Day after day, they reached out to listen, encourage, and love me. (If I needed more proof of God’s goodness, I have it by way of my community.)

Moving On

My life is on a different path now than ever before, because I am a different person than I was a year ago. Gone are most of the limiting beliefs related to my self-worth. I finally embrace who I am and what’s important to me. And, I am going after what I want in life one day at a time. But most importantly, I will continue to walk with Jesus.

Of all the developments of the last six years- since I moved to California- my decision to run after the Lord is biggest. It is not a series of magical spiritual experiences. What I have is a real relationship with the God of the universe. It’s like getting to drink everyday rather than trying to make it to the next oasis.

Shifting Motivation

In the interest of honesty, my motivation shifted. It was easy to seek the Lord this summer when my reality burned down around me. I was desperate to live and make sense of the ashes. And now? The desperation is gone. I moved forward. I might even describe my recent disposition as content. I am not in a hurry, no fires to water.

Early in October the Lord made a prophetic request. “Stick with me,” He commanded. I knew why He said it, instantly. I didn’t need an explanation. In previous moments of life when I chose to run to the Lord I eventually wandered away. I took control of my future once I found stable ground. I know this pattern, and I am desperate to defeat it.

It is a new reality for me, to go to the Lord without a mass of pain and shame in my chest. Yes, I still experience anxiety and sadness. You may click back through my posts to read about it. Overall thought, the sorrow I feel is blunted, an echo of what I’ve knew. I believe in me, my present, and my future. I live in a new world.

The New World

The lack of compulsion or desperation creates a new opportunity. Last summer, I prayed for myself a whole bunch. I got around to other people on occasion. Now I find more space to pray for my friends, family, my city, the elections, etc. This is the progression I hoped would come. The Lord showered me with grace and love for multiple reasons, and today I have the ability to think about others again.

It’s a new world- one without the burden of self-pity or shame. I’m still trying to find my way in it.

Lord, I love you. I’m not quite sure how to live without being introspective and sad, but I’m willing to discover it. I know tough times will return, moments of sorrow and pain. That’s life, but I’m grateful I know you will be there beside me.

A-men.

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Nik Curfman 7/30/20 Nik Curfman 7/30/20

The Blah of Life

It’s one of those days, caught between sad and happy where nothing seems to move the emotional lever up or down. This is why best practices are in fact best. I’ve taken care of myself today despite the lack of motivation. I’m definitely not depressed, but I’m not slap happy. Here’s my rub today:

How do I know when I’ve heard the voice of God? Especially when I want something? It is very often a frustrating experience.

I had a quick vision of a thing last September. Nothing I wanted in the moment, but a picture I embraced. I quickly told the Lord,”if that’s going to happen, it’s on You.” I went on living my life.

Almost a year later, it seems as though that vision is dead. So what gives? Why does this happen?

Jesus, help me understand. I want to believe You speak to me, and I can hear Your voice. So why does this happen? I didn’t ask for that moment, a clear vision of my future. I know I can hear Your voice for other people, but I’m having a hard time hearing for myself, especially when it involves my heart.

I don’t want to hear what I want to hear. I want our truth, grace, and love. Everything You have for me is good. I do not fear disappointment. I fear placing my expectations in the wrong place, standing in faith on the sand, instead of your Rocks.

My heart knows, regardless of outcome or circumstance, you are good. I’m good. I am afraid.

I am afraid.

But that’s this walk isn’t it. Having faith to say to the mountain “get up and go”, and if the mountain stays put, there is a bigger plan at work. It’s not me.

You’ve carefully held my head and heart. I see your hands. And I know this: Disappointment isn’t the problem. My interpretation of disappointment is problem. When what I’ve held in my heart falls into shards of a broken dream, it doesn’t mean I fucked up.

I can’t use a misinterpretation of failure as a reason to stop listening and believing. So, sweet baby Jesus, keep speaking. Keep casting Your visions.

Amen.