Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 11/23/22 Nik Curfman 11/23/22

Vol III: #42 Give Praise How You Give Praise

Worship will always be a willful act of gratitude. Anything else is false. Even and especially for children. As adults, we can ‘fake it till we make it’ because we know that actions can lead to attitude. Children do not. At least, I didn’t. I hated worship until well into my adults years. Each Sunday, when the music hit, I was too concerned with “doing it right.” And, I judged those around me.

The final chapters of the Psalms are encouragements to Praise the Lord. When I was a child this meant performing specific tasks: dancing a certain way, raising hands like a Buddha, and reciting worn out phrases. I was too young to understand what the scripture meant, and I do not advise punishing children to worship the Lord. My parents spared me- for the most part- but most of the kids who were tortured into worship did not stick with it.

Fortunately, I found freedom in worship and an ability to offer my own praises. My new found liberty shined a new light on the final chapters of the Psalms, because they slapped. For the first time, I saw them not as a formula to please God, but an invitation to remember His goodness. I won’t dance across a stage or in an isle, but I will sing to him on my walks, and write and cook for Him. I will thank him for delicious cheeses and crunchy pecans, and offer a prayer for every gorgeous sunset. And when my loved ones suffer, and He heals them, I’ll never forget who I prayed to.

I believe the most important aspect of worship is authenticity. Going through the motions isn’t the worst idea. Sometimes we just need to start before our thoughts/emotions fall in line. That’s real. But, at some point in the process, conviction must take the reins- where words become truth and truth becomes worship. God is good, all the time. His blessings are real, all the time. Even at our lowest moments, He was there to love us through it.

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all. Eat something good and enjoy the day.

Nik Curfman 9/22/21 Nik Curfman 9/22/21

Vol II: #31 A Vision of Worship

During the final chorus of Alleluia, I saw(in my mind) something wondrous and awesome. The Lord took me up into Heaven. All the Saints (of the Great Cloud of Witnesses) were engaged in raucous worship- not on their faces. They were alive and untethered by anything. A moment later, I saw a single woman in Chile as she sat alone in her apartment, a black mother in LA, a Japanese commuter vibing to the music in his earbuds, and a young Afghani man behind a tall wall. All of them singing- aloud and in silence- to the Lord. As it happened in Heaven, it happens on Earth.

Today’s worship team was comprised of native Spanish speakers. Bethel attracts people from all over the world and Central/South America is well represented. So, it doesn’t surprise me they had enough qualified worshippers to comprised an entire team. I love the diversity in my class, as I often German, Dutch, Spanish, and the occasional Russian in the hallways. And, the sheer volume of international students at BSSM makes Redding feel less white bread, which I like.

I sensed the excitement oozing from the worship team as they bounced around the Civic Auditorium stage. This week featured nothing but first-year students, each group ready for the moment. But, today was different. I could stereotype it by saying it’s “Latin” energy and maybe I’m reading into it. Regardless, the feeling in the room changed when the worship leaders began to sing in their native tongue. The Spanish-speaking students responded in kind, their voices louder and filled with emotion. Each of them traveled a physical and cultural distance to be in Redding, and they have my admiration for it.

I know many elevated people have grand visions of 24-hour worship, and I’m here to say we already have it. When I’m alone and I feel like shit, I’m not alone-not in Heaven or on Earth. When we raise our voices, we join the worldwide chorus in worship to the Lord- with many languages, from a multitude of countries and timezones. The next time you mumble your favorite lines from your favorite songs, remember you aren’t the only person doing it. We are part of something great and amazing and alive. It’s the enemy who wants us to feel alone and isolated. It’s a lie. We are part of the living Body of Christ. And, we get to worship Him together.

At that moment, I felt more akin to all of the people in the room, and the tribes they represent. We are truly a body with many pieces and I’m blessed to know them.

Nik Curfman 9/8/21 Nik Curfman 9/8/21

Vol II: #25 Day 1 & 2

I must be giving off a real anxious/I’m-really-uncomfortable vibe. They don’t know the effort it took for me to be in the room. How could they? As such, I take no offense at the concerned looks and hopeful smiles. The truth is I am uncomfortable, but…I don’t want to be anywhere else. This is my journey, and I packed for the trip. I didn’t expect easy street and youthful butterflies. And, I will not fake or force outward displays of behavior in contrast to how feel. Eventually, they will learn not to worry about me.

So…I spent more time in a church setting over the last two days than I have over the last 2.5 years, combined. My nervous ticks and inability to focus on the speaker are evident to anyone with a brain. Most of my conversations with school and student leaders are comically similar: How’s it going? Good, so far. One kind yet observant third-year student even asked, “Is this weird?” I didn’t contain my laugh. “No. It’s not weird.” The first time I walked into a charismatic church was weird. Flat-earthers are weird. The first few days are Bethel is anything but weird. (Even though, I know some form of bizarre is on the docket.)

The first session began with an hour-long worship set. I must confess, I don’t know the words to most of the songs. It’s not my fault. Worship bands (are they bands? Labels? It’s hard to keep up) are a dime a dozen in 2021, and most of them are insanely prolific- producing multiple albums each year. Bethel’s worship playlists span the entire catalog of Christian worships songs dating back to the ‘90s. I like that. They aren’t too proud or afraid to play songs they didn’t write.

Toward the end of the worship set, the leader broke out into an old but familiar chorus of “Praise the Lord, Oh My Soul.” The Bethel version is more modern, but it’s a spin on one of my favorite songs, first sung by Kevin Prosch many years ago. The next song was “King of My Heart” which was written by an old friend. At that moment, it hit me. It was twenty years ago- to the week- I began ministry school in Charlotte. My heart stirred and wondered: what will this year hold?

I maintained open expectations toward my time at Bethel. We’ll see what the Lord has for me became my go-to answer when friends asked “what do you hope to get out of it?” It was an honest answer, but today it became more clear what I need out of this experience. I need good leadership, not perfect, not slack, good. In all my years of the church, zero leaders took me under their wing. When people talk about spiritual mothers and fathers, I feel like a bastard. CS Lewis and a handful of friends mean more to me than any church leader. I hope that changes. I hope my group leader or small group leader is willing to walk with me through this year.

It’s not a sin to expect Godly people to act Godly. Many Christian leaders demand submission and conformity. They beat their sheep and cry foul while their churches dwindle. What makes matters worse is the fearful excuse of “not touching God’s anointed.” Yes, it’s clearly better to let assholes be assholes. It’s better to let them hurt people- as if it’s the will of God to allow his servants to be dicks. Hard pass on that shit. We do not live in the Old Testament days. I plan on being a leader and I am not above rebuke or repentance. I want to be accountable to the people I lead. If and when I fuck up, I want them to tell me.

We are all one with the Holy Spirit. (My stance is not a license to talk smack about these poor leaders. They need grace too. But, the days of allowing tyrants to rule the church have got to stop.) Fortunately, after two days, Bethel's leadership seems to be accountable and willing to admit their mistakes (a noble trait I’ve seen before.) Moreover, they seem to understand their role in our (student) lives. It’s refreshing.

Nik Curfman 12/14/20 Nik Curfman 12/14/20

Journal: #147 Worship is a Weapon

Sometimes, words aren’t strong enough. They seem to fail and betray the conflicts hidden by my skin. In the hidden place, where songs sing to something greater than my pain, I find the vein of the everlasting God. There’s humility in it. What I am saying is, “Lord, I’ve got nothing but the words given to me by someone else. I love you, and I want you.”

My roommate is in Texas till February. When it hit me how long he’d be gone, I thought I’d be in danger of isolation. Turns out, I was wrong. His absence gave me the space to unwind, and fill my apartment with worship and unrestrained emotion. Lots of stuff is bubbling up, and it’s good. The Lord is moving in me.

Heavy Day

Today is a day I hear a hundred strong voices urging me to follow their lead, and even my dreams accuse me of failure. The cynical, the proud, and the ashamed seem to rise above the rest. Who is right? Fear is weaved into all it. Should I be afraid?

No.

Hell, no.

I shouldn’t.

I Want to Punch Them All

I’m tired of politics, COVID, and cancer. I’m sick of people fighting and looking for evil in one another. My heart weeps for those who think the Lord would withhold Himself. I just want all the voices to shut the f*ck up. They’re all wrong.

Aren’t we suppose to think what is pure and holy (Phil 4:8)? How about love our enemies? Turn the other cheek? Make peace? Hope all things, believe all things, and never take to account a wrong suffered? Build each other up? Trust in the Lord?

AND HE WILL SUPPL ALL OUR NEEDS!? Honestly. What the actual f*ck is going on?

The thing is…I know I’m being a bit of a hypocrite when I complain about people. This post is proof I am not: thinking about what is good, turning the other cheek, hoping in all things, or fully trusting the Lord. Time for some grace and love for yours truly.

One more thing, I’m running out of words.

Worship Is Holy

I’ve written, prayed, and talked more than ever this year. I filled three journals, and recently began a fourth…this year alone. Usually, I need 1-2 years to fill a journal. This is my 147th Journal blog post. When added to the 25ish other posts, that’s over 170 posted writings. And, it’s futile to count the time in prayer or talking to others.

I don’t think the Lord has a problem with repetition, but my brain is on overload between writing and my job. My heart needs to be able to speak without having to think, which seems like the perfect time to enjoy worship music, again.

Coming Out of the Shadow

It’s been a while since I wanted to worship the Lord through songs written by others. Call it resentment or bitterness, I just wasn’t into it. Most of the worship people I know are heavily flawed or fake. My judgment kept me from entering into a scared place with the Holy Spirit.

Even in my self-imposed exile, once I made it to church worship was my favorite part of the service. What we sing to the Lord isn’t about anything else but our love and appreciation for Him, so it doesn’t matter what the worship tweeted, or how douchey his wife is.

Have I said 2020 is Good?

In 2020, worship became my hiding place, and now I rarely listen to anything else. (Although I do enjoy Christmas music, including the non-Jesus stuff.) Worshipping the Lord through music has become the thing I have to connect to Him when all else fails and my emotions rage hard the other way.

There’s one song that’s risen above all other worship songs for me. It’s old by modern worship standards, but it translates to a holy place in an instant. Praise the Lord, Oh My Soul as written by Kevin Prosch. Even though I’ve listened to it for almost 25 years, it’s fresh every time I sing it.

Shut Them Up By Singing Out

Today, with all the voices screaming to be heard and obeyed, I put the music on. Eventually, I made my way to my favorite song. Within moments all I could do was sit on the staircase and cry until all the pain and frustration left.

Sometimes, words aren’t strong enough. They seem to fail and betray the conflicts hidden by my skin. In the hidden place, where songs sing to something greater than my pain, I find the vein of the everlasting God. There’s humility in it. What I am saying is, “Lord, I’ve got nothing but the words given to me by someone else. I love you, and I want you.” This honesty does something my eloquence can’t. It opens my doors to let Him flood me with Love and Peace.

All the other voices slip silent, and I behold only Him. His whisper is no longer drowned by the agony of a fallen society. Hell is gone, and Heaven is revealed in me.

Praise the Lord, forever. Oh my soul, praise the Lord.