Vol II: #25 Day 1 & 2
So…I spent more time in a church setting over the last two days than I have over the last 2.5 years, combined. My nervous ticks and inability to focus on the speaker are evident to anyone with a brain. Most of my conversations with school and student leaders are comically similar: How’s it going? Good, so far. One kind yet observant third-year student even asked, “Is this weird?” I didn’t contain my laugh. “No. It’s not weird.” The first time I walked into a charismatic church was weird. Flat-earthers are weird. The first few days are Bethel is anything but weird. (Even though, I know some form of bizarre is on the docket.)
I must be giving off a real anxious/I’m-really-uncomfortable vibe. They don’t know the effort it took for me to be in the room. How could they? As such, I take no offense at the concerned looks and hopeful smiles. The truth is I am uncomfortable, but…I don’t want to be anywhere else. This is my journey, and I packed for the trip. I didn’t expect easy street and youthful butterflies. And, I will not fake or force outward displays of behavior in contrast to how feel. Eventually, they will learn not to worry about me.
The first session began with an hour-long worship set. I must confess, I don’t know the words to most of the songs. It’s not my fault. Worship bands (are they bands? Labels? It’s hard to keep up) are a dime a dozen in 2021, and most of them are insanely prolific- producing multiple albums each year. Bethel’s worship playlists span the entire catalog of Christian worships songs dating back to the ‘90s. I like that. They aren’t too proud or afraid to play songs they didn’t write.
Toward the end of the worship set, the leader broke out into an old but familiar chorus of “Praise the Lord, Oh My Soul.” The Bethel version is more modern, but it’s a spin on one of my favorite songs, first sung by Kevin Prosch many years ago. The next song was “King of My Heart” which was written by an old friend. At that moment, it hit me. It was twenty years ago- to the week- I began ministry school in Charlotte. My heart stirred and wondered: what will this year hold?
I maintained open expectations toward my time at Bethel. We’ll see what the Lord has for me became my go-to answer when friends asked “what do you hope to get out of it?” It was an honest answer, but today it became more clear what I need out of this experience. I need good leadership, not perfect, not slack, good. In all my years of the church, zero leaders took me under their wing. When people talk about spiritual mothers and fathers, I feel like a bastard. CS Lewis and a handful of friends mean more to me than any church leader. I hope that changes. I hope my group leader or small group leader is willing to walk with me through this year.
It’s not a sin to expect Godly people to act Godly. Many Christian leaders demand submission and conformity. They beat their sheep and cry foul while their churches dwindle. What makes matters worse is the fearful excuse of “not touching God’s anointed.” Yes, it’s clearly better to let assholes be assholes. It’s better to let them hurt people- as if it’s the will of God to allow his servants to be dicks. Hard pass on that shit. We do not live in the Old Testament days. I plan on being a leader and I am not above rebuke or repentance. I want to be accountable to the people I lead. If and when I fuck up, I want them to tell me.
We are all one with the Holy Spirit. (My stance is not a license to talk smack about these poor leaders. They need grace too. But, the days of allowing tyrants to rule the church have got to stop.) Fortunately, after two days, Bethel's leadership seems to be accountable and willing to admit their mistakes (a noble trait I’ve seen before.) Moreover, they seem to understand their role in our (student) lives. It’s refreshing.
