Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 3/10/21 Nik Curfman 3/10/21

Abstract: Victory’s Home

I’ll forever remain right here,

ready to party,

on the other side of the door in your heart,

marked fear.

What happened?!

Why did you run when I was ready to dance?

You were so close to the dream in your chest,

but now you’re hurt,

and you believe you’ll never advance.

Don’t. You. Fret.

I’ll forever remain right here,

ready to party,

on the other side of the door in your heart,

marked fear.

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Nik Curfman 2/23/21 Nik Curfman 2/23/21

Journal: #213 I’m Going To Win

Victory, the kind with parades and praise, is not normal. Today it looked like going on a walk, doing my work, loving my parents, and writing this blog. It’ll end with prayers and gratitude. Whatever tomorrow brings, I know what I’m going to do.

I’m going to win.

Without going into detail, my mind is stuck on a few thoughts I’d rather not think. They aren’t bad or evil, just unproductive. I want to let go and move on. In many ways I have. And, instead of mire in the frustration, I will thank God. Again.

It’s moments like right now I’m grateful I made a commitment to be faithful to Jesus. I thankful I decided to take care of myself. Years ago I would’ve judged myself and sunk into pools of self-pity.

This moment doesn’t own me. It doesn’t define me. It’s just life.

Progress can look like a job promotion or a pat on the back. It can look like a smaller waste and goals achieved. For me, right now, it’s giving myself grace to be imperfect. My brain does thoughts I wish it didn’t. My heart wants things I can’t have. This is what my humanity looks like.

Disappointment is not an excuse to be an asshole or self-destruct. I’d rather be honest and write a blog. I’d rather pray and make room for God to be God, for Him to touch my heart in a way only the Lord can.

I’m going to win.

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Nik Curfman 11/22/20 Nik Curfman 11/22/20

Journal: #125 Victory Over Lies

My great fall from grace is not coming. My legs are strong, and my heart is whole. My eyes see the glory of the coming of the Lord, and His truth will march on. He is building me to be a tall tower, a light to those who toil in the night. I will shine forever more.

This week was an emotionally long week. I cried and snotted my way through each day. My blog posts reflected the progression from loneliness to brokenness to repentance. I admit it took a few days to gain the upper hand. I didn’t understand the source of my shame (rejection). Once I saw the attack for what it was I knew what to do. The key to overcoming rejection and self-pity is turning to the truth of my existence in the Lord. I am loved. I am worthy. I have a hope and future.

I can’t lick self-pity or judgement by perfecting myself- morphing into a person someone wants. That is a never ending cycle. My moment of victory rides on the back of love and patience, of faith and expectant hope. I find victory in the gracious arms of the Lord. When I confess His love over my life, I speak to my heart and my soul.

We Wrestle Not With People

My war with rejection and self-worth isn’t about other people. (The enemy likes to use the image of others- past girlfriends, old bosses, or coaches- to whip my mind into a depressed submission.) People are to be loved, encouraged, and stewarded. My battle is with belief and fear- ancient lies meant to keep me from walking in my God-given calling and His grace. I turn the tide against fear and judgment when I spot these lies.

Every single one of us faces a snake in our garden, whispering attractive lies and offering easy glory. The liar wants us to run from Love and what sustains us. He presents interesting alternatives and triggers our pride. Every lustful tactic designed to divide us from Him.

The snake in my garden offers to protect me. He reminds me of the pain I suffered by the rejection of others:

All you want to do is love people Nik. They couldn’t see my worth. They don’t know how amazing I am, but maybe I’m not amazing. Perhaps I need a plan, more money, and better clothes. If I were skinny, made more money, and had a noteworthy career…I’m not cool enough. My hair is too thin. I need a muscular body. Women think I’m a pussy. I need to unavailable and cold. No one wants a sensitive man. I need more money, to work with my hands. I need to hunt and kill animals. I need…I am not…I think I need…

All of it is bullshit.

Right here, right now, with a wool blanket covering my legs, I am a badass mofo. I am enough. Snake, GTFO.

How He Loves Us

Last week, while I walked up the hill near my apartment, the Lord said to me, “You still have your promises.” He spoke specifically to my heart and my mind. My heart has grieved the end my last relationship, while my mind searched for motivation and direction. Since I need them to work together, the Lord brought them into alignment in an instant. While much in my life changed over the last 12 months, He is still God. His hand is where it was a year ago, and I am not a wretch to be pitied.

I think I expected my life to collapse at some point this fall. Sure, I made a ton of progress as a man this summer, but all good things must end, right? Wrong. What I consider progress changed, but I continue to love the Lord and find daily grace for myself.

Consider this: When I post this Journal post, it will be my 125th blog post. It’s an incredible accomplishment for me. I posted my first post on Tumblr on July 11th. It’s been 134 days since that day. I’ve also posted 30 poems and ten(ish) other writings. That’s over 160 pieces of myself for the world to read (or not read.) The point is, I don’t know if I’ve ever dedicated myself to anything as much as I have this blog, and I’m proud of me.

I have other victories to consider in my finances, physical health, and my work. All of the indicators, all of the needles, are pointing up. Despite my challenges and emotional lapses, I am kicking ass. I have the Lord to praise for it.

A New Expectation

Matthew 6:33 commands us to run after the Lord and His kingdom with all our hearts, minds, and souls. Then Jesus promised us the Father would care for us as He- our health, needs, and dreams. I devoted myself to pursuit of the kingdom- above all else- in 2020, and I have seen this promise fulfilled. My needs and health are met. I still have my promises.

The last few months I’ve lived outside my experience and comfort levels…but I’ve stayed the course. When the lying snake has slithered next to my heart, I’ve fought to win my heart back from the lies. I’ve run to the Lord in my moments of shame, instead of hide in bush. I refused to cover myself or my nakedness. He sees it all regardless of my attempt to disguise my pain. My God is good, and He proves Himself everyday.

My great fall from grace is not coming. My legs are strong, and my heart is whole. My eyes see the glory of the coming of the Lord, and His truth will march on. He is building me to be a tall tower, a light to those who toil in the night. I will shine forever more.

Onward.

Thank you Lord, for all of your goodness, and the faithfulness in your hand. I love you friend. Amen.

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Nik Curfman 11/18/20 Nik Curfman 11/18/20

Abstraction: From Pity to Victory

This quiet silence was ordained from before time was set in motion, this minute the opportunity to strike back against the darkness and scream NOT TODAY SATAN.

It’s quiet in this empty apartment, the kind of quiet when the low hum of the fridge covers the silence,

And I can hear every breath I take.

It’s a lonely quiet, the kind of loneliness looking to pilfer my gratitude and peace.

My thoughts try to pull my heart out from its sunken hole, but logic is not our friend in this hour.

Feelings rule the moment, and the quiet loneliness is a sign to be read with lower head and watery eyes.

This is what you are worth. All the electronic connection doesn’t mean shit when all you want is to feel the hand of someone you love on your back. And if you were worth anything, you wouldn’t sit alone in empty apartment, typing your feelings into the internet.

Yes. I type my emotions into the internet. It helps to confess the loneliness I feel, the empty state of my condition.

Feelings aren’t facts.

This quiet silence was ordained from before time was set in motion, this minute the opportunity to strike back against the darkness and scream NOT TODAY SATAN.

Not ever you lying motherf*cker, you evil piece of shit.

I know who I am. I am Nicklaus, son of the High God of Everything.

I refuse to sit in my pity or give into depression. Every attack you launch only makes me stronger, my testimony more powerful, and my spirit soar.

You have no place in my heart or mind. The old tricks won’t work.

Oh? Thought I didn’t notice?

The porn stuff? Yeah, that’s old news bro.

You can keep your weed and alcohol too. And, you know I’m not going to eat myself into a coma.

Nah. I’ve taken the beatings and held onto the hand of my King.

He has set me on a pale horse, and I am coming back for the others.

F*ck off, now and forever. I will concede nothing to you. Not one sniffle, insult, or shudder of anxiety. Whatever small skirmish you win, know this: YOU’VE LOST THE WAR.

NOT BY MIGHT OR BY POWER, BUT BY MY SPIRIT SAYS THE LORD!

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Nik Curfman 9/14/20 Nik Curfman 9/14/20

DJ: #62 I DID IT!

If the sun rises, so will I. If the rain comes, I will work in the rain. I fought hard for this moment, and I will now collect more of them. Soon my shelves will overflow with the trophies won from facing fear, and I won’t stop there.

It will most likely pass as a normal day for most folks. Well, it will pass as normal as a day in 2020 can be. I will not be among the folks counting today as normal. I will mark September 14th as a day of victory, graduation, and commencement. For the first time since 1998, I finished an artistic work. Took 22 years, but it’s done.

It’s a comical looking redwood. The lines are thick and choppy, the subject representations are ridiculously inaccurate, and a few edges of paper I had to glue to a wooden panel managed to poke through the resin top coat. I’m not being overly critical. It’s so deeply flawed I can’t help but laugh.

The victory is in the doing and completion. I didn’t chuck in the trash or leave it unfinished (to eventually end up in the trash.) I envisioned an original piece of art, I did the work, and I finished it. It was an emotion month. I had to battle through fears of rejection, inadequacy, ineptitude. But, I did it.

It also seems like a graduation of a kind. This drawing represents a voyage from the depths of shameful inferiority to the peaks of faith and acceptance. The air up here is clean and crisp. Every breath has purpose, and life is not a confusing maze of wrong choices. I no longer covet praise. I no longer look to the future to escape the dull present. I am being me, and it is good.

Today was also a beginning, the aforementioned commencement. After every victory and graduation is a small party. It is a chance to celebrate and reflect a hard day won. As it must, the next day comes and life continues on. Thankfully I did not aspire to win a small victory. If the sun rises, so will I. If the rain comes, I will work in the rain. I fought hard for this moment, and I will now collect more of them. Soon my shelves will overflow with the trophies won from facing fear, and I won’t stop there.

No. I won’t stop there. I’ll teach others how to climb the mountain, to leave their despair, and breath the fresh air.

Lord, thank you for today. Thank you for loving me and sticking with me. I’m so thankful you cut me out off all the lives I tried to live. I love you, and I look forward to the next chapter.