Walk in the Woods

Daily Journal Nik Curfman Daily Journal Nik Curfman

Vol II: #42 Life in Tension

I hate these moments. I hate this feeling, the lingering belief if only I would’ve said x, y, and z. Oh sure, I have a few lessons to review once I’ve properly closed the book on this short friendship, but the looming task at hand is to tell Phil I will no longer pursue this friendship. Like most students at BSSM, he is facing his issues head-on. And, it’s not my destiny to suffer his ignorance or judgment.

Though the moment happened a few days ago, I can’t remember anything past the phrase I’m going to correct you. The long autumn shadows created by the line of cottonwood trees behind Phil and the cloudless sky above us, yes, I remember those details. But, my heart plugged its ears after my “friend” decided to -without invitation- inject his perspective into my pain. This stolen liberty is a repeat occurrence with Phil and requires decisive action on my part. I cannot be friends with a man unwilling to honor my vulnerable confessions, especially the sloppy confessions. I feel attacked and judged, belittled and trapped by his words too often to ignore.

I hate these moments. I hate this feeling, the lingering belief if only I would’ve said x, y, and z. Oh sure, I have a few lessons to review once I’ve properly closed the book on this short friendship, but the looming task at hand is to tell Phil I will no longer pursue this friendship. Like most students at BSSM, he is facing his issues head-on. And, it’s not my destiny to suffer his ignorance or judgment.

I hope a day is coming where I am wiser than I am today. It’s not that Phil is unworthy of relationships or love. No one is. But, I hate having, what will ultimately be, a jarring conversation. Who among us wants to be told, “I don’t want to be friends with you?” It’s a form of rejection and I loathe rejection- I’m still fighting off the last few echos of pain from my last girlfriend. And, the very thought of entering into a meaningful discussion with Phil makes me ill. So, this is where I am, caught between inflicting pain or suffering it.

The tension is real.

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Journal: #126 No Demons For Me

I find comfort in these truths: nothing I experience is new, and I’m not destined to be stuck in this tension. There’s a path ahead, and I have no clue what it looks like. My only impulse is to keep moving.

I’m at a tension-filled crossroads. In every previous broken relationship I demonized the lady. It helped me move on. I refuse to do that with A. I want to move on (completely), to let her go, but I don’t want to criticize her to do it. Whenever I find myself listening to judgment, I back away.

She has flaws like any person. She said and did a few things that hurt, as will happen in any meaningful relationship. Despite all that, she’s a wonderful woman. I love her. She’s my friend (I think). So here I am. I want to open my heart to whatever possibilities lay ahead, and I don’t want to crucify her to do it. That’s where I’m living the last few weeks.

I find comfort in these truths: nothing I experience is new, and I’m not destined to be stuck in this tension. There’s a path ahead, and I have no clue what it looks like. My only impulse is to keep moving.

Onward.

Lord, help. LOL I love A. I will not curse or judge her. Bless her life with love and grace. I trust you to lead me.

Amen.

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