Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 6/10/21 Nik Curfman 6/10/21

Abstract: Fighting For Better

Who of us hasn’t felt incomplete and unqualified,

destined to toil away as bush-leaguer?

This is one of the most human conditions,

shared by everyone fighting for better.

The days I don’t want to write,

when I don’t feel smart or clever,

when all the air is out of my balloon,

these are days for writing too.

Who of us hasn’t felt incomplete and unqualified,

destined to toil away as bush-leaguer?

This is one of the most human conditions,

shared by everyone fighting for better.

Nik Curfman 5/18/21 Nik Curfman 5/18/21

Journal: #283 Stay the Course

Writing everyday is a slog I enjoy. I didn’t understand what I was doing when I decided to write 330 journal post in one year. I’m glad I set such a big goal. Turns out 330 journal posts is a lot of posts. So last week I thought about changing my posting schedule now. Why wait till July? Well, because. I set a goal, and I love myself too much to give in now. This is blog post #283. Holy cow. That’s a lot. I owe it to tomorrow Nik to keep the chain going. No change, not until July.

Bit of a blah day today. I feel queasy and sleepy. Fortunately, work is in a bit of a lull, with no serious projects on the horizon. (By no serious projects, I mean most of my work is day-to-day marketing tasks- emails, project management, ad reviews, etc.) I did misspell the word restaurant in a tweet, which was caught my the CEO. That’s not good. He’s a good man, but there is a limit to such mistakes. I prefer not to make it again.

As for today’s post, I don’t have much. I made the decision to change my writing schedule, which will happen in July. The main goal is to improve my writing. After that, I want some time back. What it will look like to my readers is Monday-Wednesday-Friday will be journal days, while Tuesday-Thursday-Saturday will be poem days. This new schedule will give me the opportunity to write and properly edit my posts. Currently, I scan each post before I post them, but not as I should.

Nik Curfman 3/25/21 Nik Curfman 3/25/21

Journal: #238 Finding My Way Back

My future isn’t set in stone. Whatever I think I’m going to do in ten years may change tomorrow or in six months. Either way, my faith isn’t in my plans or dreams. It’s in the Lord. Of all the ups and downs of the last ten months, I’m glad I found my way back to Jesus being my future.

Earlier today I read back through my oldest posts on this blog, which began last July. I’m surprised I liked what I read. Some of it was sharp and engaging. Very honest. I’m proud, particularly of one of my first poem titled Three Years, Old. I’m also a fan of this blog post: God’s Not Deep. As I peered back through my first month of writing, I remembered the energy and hope in my heart. I didn’t have goals or plans, not a soul to impress. It was me, Jesus, and my electric journal.

Last summer was one of the sweetest moments of my life. On the heels of some huge disappointments, the Lord poured Himself all over me. I stood with my mouth open, trying to drink up every drop. By the fall, I was working full-time and beginning to develop a vision for my life. Vision led to specific dreams, and dreams to goals. In the process I lost something, or I felt like I did. Something about concrete goals feels very limiting.

2021 is off to a challenging start. And I often feel as though I’m running in wet cement. My mind wonders back to last summer, the undefined hope it held. My dreams have become burdens. They are burdens I feel I’ve got to impose on the world. It’s not true. I’m wrong. My dreams are not burdens and they require faith.

On my evening stroll I told the Lord about the heaviness in my heart. I told Him about last summer and I how I feel like I’m fighting to get back to that place. Then He gently reminded me this time is special too. My heaviness concerning the future is what happens when I think it’s about me. It’s not. My walk with the Lord is about us. My future isn’t set in stone. Whatever I think I’m going to do in ten years may change tomorrow or in six months. Either way, my faith isn’t in my plans or dreams. It’s in the Lord. Of all the ups and downs of the last ten months, I’m glad I found my way back to Jesus being my future.

Nik Curfman 10/8/20 Nik Curfman 10/8/20

DJ: #82 Rebounding from Shame

This week I’ve felt like a failure, which is a form of self-judgment. What really chaps my ass is I’ve been productive. It’s been a good week, and yet…and yet…I am suppose to live up to some herculean standard? Of what? I genuinely robbed myself of enjoying life. F-ck that.

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Some thought processes and emotional hurdles are buried deep in my being. For example, anger was more easily dumped than judgment. Anger is a process, and I can stop that train at the moment I realize I’m on its tracks. But judgment? Judgment happens in a slim second. It’s effortless, but no less damaging.

Culturally speaking, anger is mostly frowned upon. Anger is the emotion of cavemen and the immature. Refined men don’t get angry. Healthy Christians are above it, supposedly. I don’t wrestle with its place in my life.

But judgement? That’s a different beast. We are proud of our judgments- our preferences, opinions, and view points. We are taught to be judgmental. Modern technology practically begs for our thoughts and opinions: Yelp, Google Reviews, any comment section, Uber driver ratings, Twitter, blogs, etc. And yet…my dude Paul wrote, “I don't care to be judged by you, I don’t judge myself.” Of all the my scripture reading this year, that one stands out. Where TF did that come from?

I, Nicklaus, judge myself. I judge my productivity, the quality and depth of my relationships, and just about damn near everything else in my life. As I discussed in my previous blog, this judgment is not of the Lord. It’s not of His nature or Spirit.

Despite this tendency, I refuse to accept this mentality. Life doesn’t need to be an intense experience. The prize in my war with judgement is joy (and relaxation.)

This week I’ve felt like a failure, which is a form of self-judgment. What really chaps my ass is I’ve been productive. It’s been a good week, and yet…and yet…I am required to live up to some herculean standard? Of what? I genuinely robbed myself of enjoying life. F-ck that.

As always, the Lord is good to me, and proud of me. He doesn’t measure my life (or any life) the way I do. If I can learn to love I can learn to let go of fantasies of a person I am supposed to be. Truth is I rock. I f-cking amazing. Imperfect, but amazing.

Lord, I let go of comparison and judgment. I accept life as it comes and Your will in my life. I love myself, and I forgive myself.

Amen.