Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 6/12/21 Nik Curfman 6/12/21

Journal: #304 Silence Over Crowds

I took a long way home, which led to almost four hours in the car today. Not exactly the plan. It’s ok. I enjoyed the quiet of the ride. No radio or phone, just me and the late spring sun. It was good. I thought about all the people I know or met. It’s a lot. I thought about the life I live, how different it is from my parents. Change is the true constant. Nothing profound or original. My heart needed a rest today, and I’m ok with that.

I woke up later than normal this morning and felt a nagging need to be productive. I told myself “today is Saturday” and sank bank into bed for another hour. This laid-back approach to the day led to an unplanned— yet serene- day. I decided to go hiking around Mount Lassen, my favorite spot. According to the internet, the weather is perfect and most of the trails are open. I packed a lunch, some water, and off I went. But once I got to the park, I didn’t stay long. The post-COVID travel rush is real. All my normal spots- Kings Creek, the Upper Meadow, and Bumpass Hell Trail- were jammed with people. The license plates, while mostly from California, represented states from as far away as Georgia and Florida. I was also happy to see a handful of plates from our neighbors to the North.

Nik Curfman 2/15/21 Nik Curfman 2/15/21

Journal: #206 Today Was a Smooth Day

Today was a smooth day, no lumps or bumps. Everything went according to plan, and I was not hounded by anxiety or any particular fear. Naturally, I wanted something to go wrong. Peace and contentment are uncommon, so I feel odd when they are present.

There’s an alternative narrative to today. Maybe, just maybe, I’m learning to handle my life without flipping out. It might only last a day, but consider the following. My dad still has cancer. I thought about my old girlfriend a few times. Rain fell all day, which made my walks a sloppy affair. And, I think I gained a pound or two since I got to Columbia.

Is all that so bad? I don’t know. Cancer sucks, and I’d rather not think about someone who dumped me. I’d also like the dogs in my parents neighborhood to shut the f*ck up, but I’m not concerned about the weight. In all honesty, I’m not concerned about any of it.

Yes. My dad has cancer. All my worry and hand-wringing won’t stop it. Prayer and/or modern medicine will. Seems pretty simple.

Yes. I thought about the former lady friend. I’m not going to kick myself for it any longer. Thoughts are thoughts. They aren’t sins, and don’t have to carry anxiety with them. I also thought about politics, marketing, and meme I saw on Reddit. So what?

The rain isn’t awesome. The dogs are worse. But, I walk for me. I’ll walk whenever and wherever I need to walk.

As for my weight, I think I’m overeating cheese and nuts. It’s nothing to freak out over, so I won’t.

I think ending my streak on walks, posts, and journaling help remove a need to perform. I can take everyday as it comes now. I wasn’t particularly jazzed about writing this blog post, but here I am. I want to do this, regardless of my motivation.

This moment seems like one of those moments when the Lords is doing something. Last week He told me to stop looking at numbers. I gotta say, I’m seeing a difference. My thoughts to do not drift uncontrollably to the opinions of others. It helps to just do. I’m reminded of when I first began to blog last July. No one knew I had a blog; therefore, I wrote whatever I wanted to write.

It was awesome- and if my entire life is going to turn into that- I’m for it.

Lord, you are wise beyond anything I will ever understand. Thank you for giving me practical actions to help me live my best life. More Lord. Amen.

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Nik Curfman 2/6/21 Nik Curfman 2/6/21

Journal: #198 It Was About Being

Today wasn’t about finding solutions or self-improvement. It was about being. Today, I enjoyed this wonderful life the Lord has given me. I didn’t need anyone else or want material things I didn’t have. The sun was out and I am happy to be alive. That’s a form of grace too.

I slept in till the late hour of 8:30 AM, then laid in bed till 9:30 AM. The bright sun beaming through my widow was a delight, so somewhere around 10:30 AM I hatched my plan.

I haven’t taken a proper hike in months. After I affirmed the weather, I deemed today the day to end that drought. I choose Burney Falls on the recent recommendation of my new friend Adam. All I needed was coffee and a smoothie. By noon, I was off.

The drive to Burney Falls was soothing and scenic. The road winds and gently climbs four-thousand feet from the valley to the Cascade mountains to the east. I didn’t rush it, because I wanted to soak in the sun and peace. The drive was only the beginning.

The falls are majestic and powerful. I loved everything about them: the green moss on the rocks, the mist of the crashing water, and towering the Douglas firs. It’s dramatic and settling in a way only nature can muster. Eventually, I put my phone down and let the moment overwhelm my senses. There’s something healing and restorative about nature, about the sky and rushing water, the rock and the mud.

As I watched the fall water down the rocks today I closed my eyes to listen to the sound of the water. I thought how great that sound is. Of all the sounds in our world, does anyone hate it? In all my life I have yet to hear anyone hate the sound of water- a flowing river, the silence of snow, or the rhythmic ocean tides.

The Lord made it this way. He made this glorious planet for us. It’s not small thing.

I had a long and trying week. I felt a lot of emotions and thought thoughts I’d rather avoid. But today, without drugs or cheap pleasure, I was renewed. I did not find all the answers to my questions or solve all the issues. And, I don’t care.

I get to live in gorgeous part of the world. In less than an hour I can hike up mountains and float down rivers. All of it a reminder that He is good and wants us to be happy. Life will happen. No need to get upset about it. ;)

Thank you Lord for this planet. Thank you for all the trees, and the tiny gray mouse I saw in the rocks today. Thank you for falling water and grace. Blessed be You Jesus.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 10/4/20 Nik Curfman 10/4/20

DJ: #78 When Scripture Hits Different

If you are reading this (Mom, Jess) the most important thing you can do is sit with Jesus. Everyday. That’s the most important thing. Not eating, not marriages, not jobs, not money. Jesus. That’s the thing.

You ever read the Bible and got excited about what you read? How about over a scripture you’ve read a thousand times before? I had that happen last night. (I’m so thankful this still happens.) I nearly jumped out of my seat when I read Philippians 4. Which I will now put into the New Nik Translation, verse 6-8, 11-13:

6 Don’t tolerate anxiety in your life. Be grateful! Take everything in your life- the big and small- to Jesus in prayer, don’t hold back or be dishonest.
7 Prayer is your life line, and in it you will find the mystic Peace we all desperately want. The Peace beyond human comprehension.
8 Also, whatever is honest and good, whatever is respectable and kind, whatever makes a place for justice, whatever is innocent as a child, whatever is full of grace, whatever inspires you to be your best self, dwell on it! (Stop filling your mind with bullshit.)
11 And…I finally learned, no matter what, I have enough, and I will have enough.
12 Whether my account overflows or I am overdrawn, whether I am surrounded by friends or sit alone, whatever the situation is, I found the key to every moment.
13 My strength is not from circumstances, but from the Him who gives me the power to endure each moment with grace and joy.

Maybe it’s because this is my life now- prayer, fighting anxiety, fighting bullshit, and finding peace in every moment- but these verses resonated like a kong in my soul. The key to this walk with Jesus isn’t saying or doing the “right thing” at all times. That is an endless hamster wheel of frustration. The key to walking with Jesus is…(wait for it)…walking with Jesus. Everyday.

I don’t know where it comes from, but the idea we receive a magical download from Jesus and all of our problems vanish is a dumb fantasy. It is quite clear though, in scripture, we have a way out of our problems. Jesus says it and Paul confirms Matthew 6:33, “Seek first.” It is a simple yet most overlooked command Jesus gave us.

I think we believe it (pursuing Jesus) is harder than it has to be. And maybe we have terrible expectations of grand visions and angelic visitations. (Years ago I went to a ministry school led by man who claimed such experiences. Many of the students expected the same.) Pursuing Jesus, and the best fruits of it, is an everyday thing. The changes happen in the doing, and can be undone.

Nik Curfman 9/28/20 Nik Curfman 9/28/20

DJ: #72 CS Lewis Was Right

He didn’t need more words to explain the purpose of the moment. My head is down, and I am looking at myself. I am thinking about my future, the tasks ahead of me, and I feel overwhelmed. As if He asked me to do any of it on my own. As if my fate is to be alone, striving in the shadows.

“It does not matter how small the sins are provided that their cumulative effect is to edge the man away from the Light and out into the Nothing.”
- The Screwtape Letters, by CS Lewis

I felt insecure over the last week. It sucks. I have imaginary arguments with people I’ve long forgiven, and occasionally feel waves of sadness. I lack grace for others, and myself. And then I begin to seek validation in others, which is the f-cking worst. It is my familiar fight with self-pity, but it also feels like a new demon. Regardless, the tactics may change, but evil’s goal remains as it ever was- to separate me from Him.

Last night, as I sat with the Holy Spirit, I was pulled up to a place above the Earth. The Lord lifted my chin and said,”Look.” He didn’t need more words to explain the purpose of the moment. My head is down, and I am looking at myself. I am thinking about my future, the tasks ahead of me, and I feel overwhelmed. (As if He asked me to do any of it on my own.)

No. None of that is true. Moreover, it’s on Him. Whatever I am, and whatever I become, it’s about Him, not me. So Lord, here I am.

I lay down my sadness and burdens to bring about your Kingdom in my life. You are my God and Lover of my soul. If I die alone, if I never lose another pound, if I am always in debt, I will prayer and sing and wake up to walk with You.

Even the dreams in my heart are subject to You. I’d rather live in obscure poverty than live outside of Your holy tent.

Lord,Your will be done.

I am still learning how to be, and I will say “Grace to you Nik. Peace to you friend.”

Lord, I accept your grace and peace today. I accept joy. I accept wisdom, and foolishness. And I will sing this song. Amen.