Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 6/22/21 Nik Curfman 6/22/21

Journal: #314 Moving Out of the Wilderness

As a man trying to leave the desert forever, I will now testify. It’s hard to move from my familiar dry place to the unknown. But, I am on the move. In the last year, I pushed past old traps and comforts. Each day I complete my routines is one day closer to walking in the fullness of my promised life. The main thing is to keep the Lord the main thing.

The wilderness is an essential part of the Christian life, and it’s been discussed by many people. I will not belabor my point. But as a reminder, the Jews walked out of Egypt into 40 years of desert wonder. John the Baptist was so wild; that’s where he lived. Even Jesus pulled a tour of duty amongst the sand and rocks. It is a place we must all go, but none are meant to stay. This concept of leaving what we know to venture into what’s possible is a big part of joy and frustration. All of us are excited about the possibilities, yet few of us ever set foot in our promises.

The journey from the wilderness to the promised land is a solitary trek. The trip requires effort powered by faith. Most of us have the courage to leave abusive environments but lack the faith to step into the calling and gifts the Lord made for us. Sadly, we settle in the desert, learn to survive on drops of water and occasional morsels of meat. Our hopes and dreams turn into mirages— painful hallucinations of what will never be. All the while, the Holy Spirit remains at our sides, ever-present and faithful.

While in prayer yesterday, I told the Lord I can’t go back. The conversation arose from my doubts. At that moment, I had questions for the Lord.* Always faithful, He answered. I can’t go back to self-destructive eating and watching life pass. I can’t stop writing or praying. There’s too much life in it. Slowly, I’m starting to look forward to each day rather than dread them. I see opportunity rather than pain, and I accept the probability of disappointment. So be it. Living in the land between bondage and promise isn’t fun or interesting. I’m ready to love and live. Time to move.

*My intellect is susceptible to the atheist argument. Even with all my time with the Lord and all I’ve experienced, doubts creep into my mind. Every day, I choose Him. I know better. I would be dead without the Holy Spirit.

Nik Curfman 5/26/21 Nik Curfman 5/26/21

Journal: #290 Day 1 of the Rest of My Life

The fear of a thing is always greater than the reality of the thing. I’m drawing, from the comfort of my apartment, with nothing on the line. DRAW-ING. But, before my lesson, I was in tears. At the moment, I would’ve donated a kidney rather than put pencil to paper. Isn’t that strange? Seriously. WTF? I made it, though. One day down, the rest of my life to go.

My post yesterday was, in part, a stall tactic. The average journal post is 350-500 words, and yesterday’s was almost 1000. I knew when it was complete; I had nothing left to do but draw. It was nerve-wracking. And why? Where was the artistic gusto and flare from last August? I know not. Still, after dinner, a long walk, and some time on my phone, I sat down to draw.

For a bit of a structure boost, I bought an online drawing course through Udemy. (It’s a great platform with lots of low-cost classes covering a wide range of subjects. BTW, never pay full price. There’s always a discount.) The course contains 17 units, about 20 minutes in length. Even an act as simple as starting the first video brought me to tears. It’s embarrassing.

Within the first five seconds, I'm hooked. The course instructor- Brent Eviston- began the lesson by discussing the talent myth. (The talent myth is the idea some people are more qualified to do something than others. Of course, some people are more mentally or physically able to do certain tasks, but that doesn’t mean shit.) He went on to talk about how drawing is a skill, and like any skill, anyone can learn it. Brent’s approach is exactly what I need to hear.

After Brent’s reassurance, he discussed lines all types of lines. Then he mentioned real artists like Degas and Michelangelo. They used soft imperfect lines too. This was a subtle yet powerful teaching tool. Art and its creation are often seen as magic—artists revered as gods, and their work a type of miracle. Mr. Eviston erased that gap in minutes without hype or rancor. I loved it. He brought the greats down to my level.

The video ended with an assignment to draw lines for 30 minutes. So I did. It was glorious. I drew short lines, long lines, circles, and a face. The goal was to do the work rather than create. I filled four pages with lines over my 30 minutes. And then, I felt it- the unburdened itch to do. After months of shame and self-pity, the most simple of desires resurfaced in my gut. Thanks be to God.

(The tree above is a doodle from this afternoon. It’s my first one in months.)

Nik Curfman 5/10/21 Nik Curfman 5/10/21

Journal: #277 Open Thy Hand

The more grip I use on a dream or life situation, the more the outcome controls my life. When my hand is open, I find the healthy space I need from any scenario. If a dream, a job, or relationship fails, I’m ok. The outcome isn’t a judgement on my heart or self-worth. More than all that, my open hand creates space for the Lord to do His work in me. My closed hand forces Him out. An open hand see possibilities and all the paths forward.

From mid-February until last week, my life was a fight. I fought to write, to walk, and to pray. I even fought how I treated myself and others. The battle was evident in the little moments when my brain didn’t think as quickly as my mouth acted. For example, I was shocked at my decayed patience, and I quit drawing. Part of this detour was due to self-pity. I gave up being a powerful person, and began to wait for life to happen. It’s a terrible trap whereby I begin to resent those who do not recognize and value me. It’s a sign I need help.

Then, toward the end of this swamp mess, I felt disconnected from the Lord. I felt stuck. And, I felt defeated. But…that’s not true. Today, as I type, I super proud of me. I’m proud I walked through a lonely season without a meltdown. Sure, I was not the healthiest version of me, but I mustered every tool and skill at my disposal to hang onto the Lord. And…I did. I never let go of His hand.

From a higher level, I’m fighting what I always fight- my need to be validated by others. And the truth is I am validated everyday by people who love me. I don’t go a single day without a text, messages, or call from someone I love. It’s awesome, and I’m grateful for it. I’ve got a few others areas of my life I’m proud of:

I kept fighting. I didn’t concede one day to the enemy, which is great.
I never stopped praying or trying to connect to the Lord. This is key. In previous similar situations, I walked away from the Holy Spirit. Into my cave of shame I went.
I didn’t stop writing or walking. Sure. Some of my writing (most of it) is lackluster, but that’s not the point. My goal for my first year of writing was to write everyday. I’ve done that, even in the low moments. Correspondingly, my daily walks became a chore, but they happened.
I learned what commitment is. Commitment is faith without reason. It’s the determination to believe the sun will rise when all is dark, and preparing for it.
Finally, I stayed on top of my dreams and goals. Despite my feelings of rejection and associated sorrow, I did not surrender my dreams to pain or outside influence. I moved closer to them. I defined and refined my path with the Lord, and it opened my (metaphorical) hand.

My open hand is important. The more grip I use on a dream or life situation, the more the outcome controls my life. When my hand is open, I find the healthy space I need from any scenario. If a dream, a job, or relationship fails, I’m ok. The outcome isn’t a judgement on my heart or self-worth. More than all that, my open hand creates space for the Lord to do His work in me. My closed hand forces Him out. An open hand see possibilities and all the paths forward.

God is Good. The more I walk with Him, the more evidence I see. Five years ago, I would fallen into a shame spiral, gained 25 lbs, and locked myself into a porn hole. That’s no longer my reality. Today, I can spot the bullshit from a mile away. I know that food represents shame and rejection. Porn is a lack of connection. I’d rather be frustrated by my “lack of progress” than my pile of sins. And, daily walks with Jesus are a must.

The next step is to find peace and joy on a constant basis, through the ups and downs. Lord, come. Your will be done.

Nik Curfman 4/29/21 Nik Curfman 4/29/21

Journal: #269 Without Blessing, Go I

I know what's ahead for me and what I want to do. I'm going to create an environment for people to come into. Once established, I'll sow into them until they're move on. Believe it or not, I love the idea. Love. It. It’s a dream I can no longer afford to put off. With or without the understanding of those around me, I’m going to start building that environment.

There’s a point a person reaches when they must jump from the secure, if they want to do the impossible. I am staring at that jumping-off point. A year ago, I left the comfort of a miserable yet steady job and leapt into the fog of the unknown. And now, I’m watching the fog lift. I know how I want to spend my life, and what dreams give me joy.

I don't want to market software or non-profits. I don't want to crunch data or pour over email copy. I don't care about lead funnels, landing pages, or cost-per-click averages. And, video chats exhaust me. I strain to pay attention, especially in group meetings.

What's in my to do it create, teach, and mentor. And damnit, I want to enjoy what I do. My current job limits my creativity. Most of the instruction is via YouTube link. And, I have no opportunities to mentor. I'm not ungrateful or dissatisfied with my current job. The men I work with are outstanding humans. They love me, and I love them. It's the work. I don't have intrinsic for it. God bless people who do.

There are a few notions rolling though my mind lately, and it's centered on my history. I don't work one job for very long, and that's a problem. Something is wrong with me. The fact in that statement is my tendency to float from company to company. If my memory is accurate, the longest I was continuously employed by a company is about two years. On it's face it looks bad for a forty year-old man to bounce from shop to shop. But, I don't care.

I wasn't born to market, run a restaurant, complete non- profit projects, or sell software over the phone. I was born to love people, and my persistent heart sabotaged every attempt to do anything else.

The only aspect I miss of any job I held is people I got to work with at each stop. I remember Ms Diane from my first restaurant gig. She was single mother of two teenage boys. She taught school during the day and waited tables at night to provide for her boys. Then there was Steve, who I met during my stint in a warehouse. He's the first person I knew to be HIV positive. While I do not miss my last job with Jason, I miss the crew and community we developed. All that is a huge data point, and I couldn't see it until last summer. I'm a people person hidden under the burden of "doing stuff." Newsflash to Nik: I'm not a stuff doer.

I know what's ahead for me and what I want to do. I'm going to create an environment for people to come into. Once established, I'll sow into them until they're move on. Believe it or not, I love the idea. Love. It. It’s a dream I can no longer afford to put off. With or without the understanding of those around me, I’m going to start building that environment.

Nik Curfman 4/25/21 Nik Curfman 4/25/21

Journal: #266 An Odd Forward Move

I’m officially happy to announce I internet-stalked someone for the first time in a few years. Felt good. Felt like I’m moving forward. She’s a friend of a friend…of a friend. Odds are I’ll never meet her, but it was nice to be slightly interested in someone new.

A short yet significant post will do today. I’m officially happy to announce I internet-stalked someone for the first time in a few years. Felt good. Felt like I’m moving forward. She’s a friend of a friend…of a friend. Odds are I’ll never meet her, but it was nice to be slightly interested in someone new. And who knows, stranger things have happened.

I will now take time to explain exactly what I mean by “internet-stalked.” It’s 2021. Everyone googles the name of a person of interest. It’s what we do. I did it to my last girlfriend and she admitted she googled my name too. In my case it’s simple fact-finding. Now that I’ve done it, I’ll move on. All I did was look to confirm my impression. And, yes. She seems like a cool lady. It’s a good reminder. There are lots of cool ladies out there.

Nik Curfman 1/10/21 Nik Curfman 1/10/21

Journal: #171 Onward In Faith

I thought about the concept of readiness as I finished my walk. My last four girlfriends all happened when I thought I was ready by my standards. Now the Lord is asking me to trust His lead and believe in His grace at a time when I know I’m in transition. This is a new level of trust and faith for me, but one I embrace.

I had a long talk with Lord today as we wondered through the forest near Churn Creek. It’s been a day of long talks, and a week of intense discussions. I can hear His voice, and I know what He’s saying. Onward.

As I wrote yesterday, I’m following His lead. Over the summer, post break-up, I had plenty of motivation to run to the Lord, to make changes, and let him expose the rotten parts of my heart. But now, He wants to keep going. I must follow.

This morning, I was sunk a bit despair. The weight my life, what the Lord was asking me to do, and my fear revealed began to taunt me. In a divine moment of clarity, I cried out to the Lord and asked Him to show up. He did. In that same instant I began to laugh and giggle, like I was high.

God is good.

Right before my walk, I sat in my car an extra minute to asked the Lord why he was doing what He’s doing. Why are you pushing me to date? And this was His answer,”It’s not about dating. It’s about overcoming your need to perfect yourself before you do anything.”

It’s true.

After I broke-up with Ms C, all I could think of was how I need to be the best version of myself before I date again*. I need to lose weight, make some money, and get a better job. It’s the same trap I always fall into. I disqualify myself.

And it’s not just in dating. In so many areas of my life, I’ve held back in the name of timing or waiting for the right opportunity. Thing is, I don’t mind taking risks, and rarely regret them. Which is why the Lord wants me to start with dating. It’s the place I fear most and tend to believe I’m not ready.

Onward.

*In all fairness to myself, I’ve been more gracious with myself. I’ve embraced my heart and what I want. That’s a big deal, and something that’ll help me in any future relationship.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 9/16/20 Nik Curfman 9/16/20

DJ: #64 Moving Forward is Easier on Some Days than Others

The heaviness I sense in my chest is not of the Lord. Even this moment, as I type, is an opportunity to push back. F-ck you self-pity. F-ck you fear and doubt. But, the healing is not in the rebuke of what is wrong. Healing comes in the restoration of what is good and loving.

Yesterday, I discussed the last year of my life, its crazy turns and flips. I wrote about despite some real heartaches, it was a great twelve months. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I still believe that today. 2019 and 2020 are great foundations for the rest of my life. It’s very obvious to me, and hopefully others.

But today…I feel like trash. Like literal trash. I feel used up, discarded, and ready to be buried into obscurity. My deepest fears are alive. I am a fraud. I will never be enough. Don’t make mistakes. Don’t even try. The feelings of rejection (from my breakup) are hanging around my heart. Negative thoughts related to my work stream through my mind. You’re failing.

And yet, I know none of this is true. The heaviness I sense in my chest is not of the Lord. Even this moment, as I type, is an opportunity to push back. F-ck you self-pity. F-ck you fear and doubt. But, the healing is not in the rebuke of what is wrong. Healing comes in the restoration of what is good and loving.

So, I’m going to publicly do what I normally do in a hand-written journal:

I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved.

I am strong. I am smart. I am kind. I am compassionate. I am creative. I am a problem-solver. I am a doer. I am a completer. I get shit done.

I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I forgive myself for judging my heart and mind and actions. I let go of self-pity. I accept Peace and Joy. I accept finishing my work. I accept my call to be great. I accept love and faith and kindness.

Lord come, heal my hurting heart. Heal my mind. I give you everything about me. I accept everything about You. I trust You, your hands, your words, and your heart. I ask for your eyes, ears, and hands. Rebuke the enemy on my behalf and bless all those I reach today.

Thank you for loving me and holding me. Thank you for blessing me. Thank you for my roommate, my friends, my family, my car, my job, and my community. Thank you for California and its rugged mountains. Thank you for South Carolina and its vast stretches of green forests. Thank you for delicious foods and all the different types of cuisines on the Earth. Thank you for all the brothers I have on this planet. Thank you for the time I have in my life to stay connected with You, to develop our relationship. It is special. I am special. We are special.

Thank you for the Bible, and the humor in it. Thank you for music and art. Oh Lord, thank you for art. Thank you for all the artists daring to create. Thank you I am among them.

Thank you for the opportunity to live in this age. I will fear no man, virus, plague, fire, or threat of violence. I don’t want to die, and I do not rush to be martyred. But I will stand on love and peace and affection.

Thank you Jesus. You are amazing. Never stop being you. I will not fear me or attacks against me.

Today, as in all the other recent days, I choose to fight for me by turning to the Father. I hold no shame for this practice. I will not tell myself “you should be stronger than this.” It’s not my strength I want. I want the love and eternal hope of the one who is Love and Hope.

(As I end this post, I’m reminded of the Maya Angelou poem “Still I Rise”. [I first heard it in song by Ben Harper.] She writes, and performs, as a black woman choosing to rise above whatever judgments and insults come her way. While I do not know what it’s like to overcome all she has, I can identify with rising above the accusations and shame of the past.)