DJ: #64 Moving Forward is Easier on Some Days than Others

Yesterday, I discussed the last year of my life, its crazy turns and flips. I wrote about despite some real heartaches, it was a great twelve months. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I still believe that today. 2019 and 2020 are great foundations for the rest of my life. It’s very obvious to me, and hopefully others.

But today…I feel like trash. Like literal trash. I feel used up, discarded, and ready to be buried into obscurity. My deepest fears are alive. I am a fraud. I will never be enough. Don’t make mistakes. Don’t even try. The feelings of rejection (from my breakup) are hanging around my heart. Negative thoughts related to my work stream through my mind. You’re failing.

And yet, I know none of this is true. The heaviness I sense in my chest is not of the Lord. Even this moment, as I type, is an opportunity to push back. F-ck you self-pity. F-ck you fear and doubt. But, the healing is not in the rebuke of what is wrong. Healing comes in the restoration of what is good and loving.

So, I’m going to publicly do what I normally do in a hand-written journal:

I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved.

I am strong. I am smart. I am kind. I am compassionate. I am creative. I am a problem-solver. I am a doer. I am a completer. I get shit done.

I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I forgive myself for judging my heart and mind and actions. I let go of self-pity. I accept Peace and Joy. I accept finishing my work. I accept my call to be great. I accept love and faith and kindness.

Lord come, heal my hurting heart. Heal my mind. I give you everything about me. I accept everything about You. I trust You, your hands, your words, and your heart. I ask for your eyes, ears, and hands. Rebuke the enemy on my behalf and bless all those I reach today.

Thank you for loving me and holding me. Thank you for blessing me. Thank you for my roommate, my friends, my family, my car, my job, and my community. Thank you for California and its rugged mountains. Thank you for South Carolina and its vast stretches of green forests. Thank you for delicious foods and all the different types of cuisines on the Earth. Thank you for all the brothers I have on this planet. Thank you for the time I have in my life to stay connected with You, to develop our relationship. It is special. I am special. We are special.

Thank you for the Bible, and the humor in it. Thank you for music and art. Oh Lord, thank you for art. Thank you for all the artists daring to create. Thank you I am among them.

Thank you for the opportunity to live in this age. I will fear no man, virus, plague, fire, or threat of violence. I don’t want to die, and I do not rush to be martyred. But I will stand on love and peace and affection.

Thank you Jesus. You are amazing. Never stop being you. I will not fear me or attacks against me.

Today, as in all the other recent days, I choose to fight for me by turning to the Father. I hold no shame for this practice. I will not tell myself “you should be stronger than this.” It’s not my strength I want. I want the love and eternal hope of the one who is Love and Hope.

(As I end this post, I’m reminded of the Maya Angelou poem “Still I Rise”. [I first heard it in song by Ben Harper.] She writes, and performs, as a black woman choosing to rise above whatever judgments and insults come her way. While I do not know what it’s like to overcome all she has, I can identify with rising above the accusations and shame of the past.)