Journal: #286 Remember the Wins

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I am not the type of person to keep trophies or remember wins. It follows I rarely pause to consider completed goals or hard-fought accomplishments. Pride, after all, is a sin; thus, pride in one’s achievements is a sin. Tis’ a very Anglo-Saxon way to live life. Celebrate nothing. Dissect what didn’t work. Perfect the next attempt. What else is there but the relentless pursuit of unattainable perfection? A lot is the answer. There’s a lot of incredible awesomeness to life outside of work and accomplishment. There’s also more within the world of action and doing stuff.

The second issue I will consider is my penchant for changing jobs and/or careers. While I spent most of my adult life in and out of restaurants, I have yet to spend enough time in one position to master it. I am constantly learning a new skill set, in a new industry- marketing, sales, operations, logistics, production, customer service, etc.

This habit of flipping jobs left me a cliche- a Jack of many trades and skills but no expert. My job cycling gave me a broad skill set but no depth. Anyone looking for an expert for a job will skip over my resume. It’s a jumble of randomness. I understand why, but it doesn’t help when new projects go to people with ‘more experience.’

Now, let’s add the two issues together. I am trying to perfect my work while beginner at it. It’s a setup for self-condemnation and heartache. When I transitioned from a catering company to digital marketing, I went through months of imposter syndrome. Every day I am forced to learn new software, design marketing assets, and track results. So…not only must I create a strategy and install it, I’ve got to track it. How many of us do that?

I can’t count the number of days I wanted to crawl in a hole last winter. Even when I pulled off minor miracles- like designing an entire website in two days because my developer bitched out- I felt no relief. I’m blessed to work with a crew of kind people. They encourage me when I need it. Early this year, they stuck with me while I powered through some challenges. As of now, I’m happy with my abilities and work performance. Naturally, I’m ready to move onto the next adventure.

My next thing is for the long haul, I believe. Like all other jobs, I’m a beginner, learning a new set of skills in a new industry. The huge difference is I do not have a team of people to pat me on the back when I feel like an imposter. The worlds of art and day trading are almost entirely solitary in nature, so I will rise and fail on my merit. Any success will be a reflection of my time and dedication to the crafts. It’s scary.

I will need to develop mental toughness to endure the dark days of being a creative and/or trader. The days are coming when I lose big chunks of money and hate what my hands create. If I can’t handle it, I’ll fold. Patience, grace, and a sense of humor will be crucial to my success. But, there’s something else. I need to celebrate my wins too.

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In 2010, I enrolled at a community college before finishing my degree at a four-year school. After the spring semester, I maintained a sparkling 4.0-grade point average. I expected to do so. My thrilled roommate decided we should celebrate with drinks at our favorite pub. I was slightly embarrassed at his suggestion but couldn’t refuse a free pint. At the pub, we clinked our glasses in a toast to my perfect GPA as patrons watched.

I have rarely celebrated my wins, which is a sin. Celebration is, in its purest form, gratitude. If I can exclaim and shout for someone, I need to do the same for me. I am worth celebrating. Given the path ahead, I will have many rough days. I need to maintain a place of gratitude in my work and sculptures I finish. Accordingly, I added a new mental task to each day. Yesterday, I began to take a minute to review my wins from the day/week/month/year. It’s odd but empowering. I am not my failure.

What I love about this lesson is it was the Lord who told me to do this. In prayer earlier this week, I complained about my focus. It’s always on the negative or unfinished task. Very cooly, the Lord asked me, “what did you do well this week?” I rattled off a few work-related wins and a new poem I liked. Then, and suddenly, I saw myself from a broader perspective. Yes, I failed in some areas this week, but I also excelled. Consider the following: My emails brought our client new leads; my ads did too. These actions helped a company grow and create new jobs. That’s pretty cool.

Soon, I’ll be the boss. All the deadlines will be mine, and all the work will come from my hands. I’ve got to grow from where I am today to get to where I want to be. It starts with the little things and the mental prep. To defeat imposter syndrome, I will remind myself to have fun and be patient. Then, I will celebrate my wins. This moment is what growth looks like, fumbling hectic growth. And the Lord is with me every step of the way. Thank God.

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DJ: #64 Moving Forward is Easier on Some Days than Others

Yesterday, I discussed the last year of my life, its crazy turns and flips. I wrote about despite some real heartaches, it was a great twelve months. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I still believe that today. 2019 and 2020 are great foundations for the rest of my life. It’s very obvious to me, and hopefully others.

But today…I feel like trash. Like literal trash. I feel used up, discarded, and ready to be buried into obscurity. My deepest fears are alive. I am a fraud. I will never be enough. Don’t make mistakes. Don’t even try. The feelings of rejection (from my breakup) are hanging around my heart. Negative thoughts related to my work stream through my mind. You’re failing.

And yet, I know none of this is true. The heaviness I sense in my chest is not of the Lord. Even this moment, as I type, is an opportunity to push back. F-ck you self-pity. F-ck you fear and doubt. But, the healing is not in the rebuke of what is wrong. Healing comes in the restoration of what is good and loving.

So, I’m going to publicly do what I normally do in a hand-written journal:

I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved.

I am strong. I am smart. I am kind. I am compassionate. I am creative. I am a problem-solver. I am a doer. I am a completer. I get shit done.

I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I forgive myself for judging my heart and mind and actions. I let go of self-pity. I accept Peace and Joy. I accept finishing my work. I accept my call to be great. I accept love and faith and kindness.

Lord come, heal my hurting heart. Heal my mind. I give you everything about me. I accept everything about You. I trust You, your hands, your words, and your heart. I ask for your eyes, ears, and hands. Rebuke the enemy on my behalf and bless all those I reach today.

Thank you for loving me and holding me. Thank you for blessing me. Thank you for my roommate, my friends, my family, my car, my job, and my community. Thank you for California and its rugged mountains. Thank you for South Carolina and its vast stretches of green forests. Thank you for delicious foods and all the different types of cuisines on the Earth. Thank you for all the brothers I have on this planet. Thank you for the time I have in my life to stay connected with You, to develop our relationship. It is special. I am special. We are special.

Thank you for the Bible, and the humor in it. Thank you for music and art. Oh Lord, thank you for art. Thank you for all the artists daring to create. Thank you I am among them.

Thank you for the opportunity to live in this age. I will fear no man, virus, plague, fire, or threat of violence. I don’t want to die, and I do not rush to be martyred. But I will stand on love and peace and affection.

Thank you Jesus. You are amazing. Never stop being you. I will not fear me or attacks against me.

Today, as in all the other recent days, I choose to fight for me by turning to the Father. I hold no shame for this practice. I will not tell myself “you should be stronger than this.” It’s not my strength I want. I want the love and eternal hope of the one who is Love and Hope.

(As I end this post, I’m reminded of the Maya Angelou poem “Still I Rise”. [I first heard it in song by Ben Harper.] She writes, and performs, as a black woman choosing to rise above whatever judgments and insults come her way. While I do not know what it’s like to overcome all she has, I can identify with rising above the accusations and shame of the past.)