Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 1/27/21 Nik Curfman 1/27/21

Abstract: Don’t Fight The Lies, Accept the Truth

So on this dreary morning, full of doubt,

I will not answer my attacker or plead my case.

I will not submit evidence to the court as proof of my worth.

Nah.

I will rise and whisper:

Lord, here I am.

As the day dawned, I rolled over and longed for more of the night.

Alone in my bed, rancid thoughts pushed their way to the front of my mind.

How long will I accuse myself? Judge the creation of the Lord?

Am I not like the rest of His of work?

Am I not Good?

The ancient answer is apparent and obvious: Yes.

I am Good.

For everything He made He called Good.

From this perch, my mind shouts its strongest indictment:

If I am good, why do I struggle?

Why?

No amount of extra sleep or wishing away the dawn is an antidote to the sickness of my imperfection.

Suddenly, like the rising sun,

the Holy Spirit arrives in all Her kind glory,

The Accuser exposed.

She quietly reminds me of the eternal truth.

Yes, I am Good.

No, I am not perfect, not complete, not finished.

Perfection is not the expectation of the Spirit, but flawed men.

My servant Savior didn’t demand the perfection so preached in our churches.

He said,”Come after me. Seek the Father. The rest will care for itself.”

So on this dreary morning, full of doubt,

I will not answer my attacker or plead my case.

I will not submit evidence to the court as proof of my worth.

Nah.

I will rise and whisper:

Lord, here I am.

I give you everything that I am.

I lay down my doubts and pain,

my hopes and dreams.

I trust you and accept the life your planned for me,

Your grace, hopes and dreams,

Your eyes and ears for me.

Rip out the roots of the accuser,

Water the seeds You put in my heart,

Your will be done in my life and through my life this day.

I refuse to listen to the same lies that work to tie me down and hold me in shame,

I accept your Word over me.

I love You, and I’m so thankful You are real and love me.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 1/25/21 Nik Curfman 1/25/21

Journal: #186 Wearing My Heart Like A BackPack

For the foreseeable future, when I feel awash in sorrow, I will simply ask the Holy Spirit to “carry me.” And, she will. It’s that simple. I’m not alone, and I don’t have to carry the weight of life on my shoulders.

The next few months are about to get real. Today, I booked a one way flight back to Columbia, South Carolina, and I don’t know how long I’ll be there. My hope is 6-8 weeks. A friend is getting married on April 2nd, and I’d to be there for his wedding. Life may not afford me the option.

Life Happens

Last weekend, my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Of all the foul words in the English language, these are two of the worst. I know my father will die one day, and there will be a medical reason. Yet, for some reason, prostate cancer seems an especially loathsome way to die.

I decided I want to be there for the start of his battle, hence the one-way flight. In this particular case, I’m glad I googled “prostate cancer.” Unless he’s into an advanced stage, we’ve got plenty of time to act. Statistically speaking, he should live at least another 5-10 years. I’ll take it.

I’ll take any time I’ve got left with my dad. The reality is every day is a gift. Moments like this help hone that sense.

How Do I Respond to Adversity

In the days to come, my dad is going to face some nasty medical treatments. He’s going to be weak and need people to love and service his needs. Knowing him, he won’t like feeling like a burden, and he’ll need to be reminded he’s no burden. He’s loved and this is what love looks like.

I am mostly hopeful about my dad prognosis. It seems like we caught the cancer early enough to take decisive action. Despite my optimism, I’ve had to think about life without my dad. The sadness I feel in those instances is overwhelming.

Stay Connected to the Lord

2020 taught me to stay connected to the Lord, and how to care for myself. In a way, I feel prepared for this. Today, the Holy Spirit gave me a picture to remember when the weight of life starts to shove me off balance. It’s her, wearing my heart like a backpack. That picture is life-affirming, light-hearted, and comical. I love it.

Thank God for that.