Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 8/31/23 Nik Curfman 8/31/23

Vol IV: #15 43 Bits of Nikdom

A fun list of my wisdom. 43 years of it and counting.

I turned 43 on Tuesday. And when I called my parents for the perfunctory birthday chat , I told them of my desire to live another 80 years. And we laughed about the idea of me as an old crank, spinning stories about corded phones and three channels on the faux wooden box we called a TV. I admit, I love the idea of being shriveled and saggy and doling out unsolicited advice to all in earshot.

Given I plan to be old, I might as well start to dole out what I know, as practice for later. I’ve did something similar when I turned 40- you made read so here: 40 Year Old Wisdom- and want to make this post an annual post, every year around my birthday. Why not? It will be fun to compare what makes the list from year to year. When I turned 40, I was very much into healthy living with a particular focus on mental health. And I was long-winded. LOL. Today, you will read a list, intentionally more simple. Let go of pain as soon as possible. Anger and offense will not empower you or help you.

Love.
Eat well.
Act.
Sleep well, your day and body depend on it.
Exercise a little everyday. Your mind will thank you.
A good man is not without sin. A good man does not surrender to or justify his sins.
Nothing good is quick and nothing quick is good. Ask any woman.
Spend the money on durable and quality goods/services.
Cheap is the road to addiction.
Love people, not their opinions or views.
Give grace to everyone. No exceptions.
Boundaries are healthy.
As the Man said, let your yes be yes and no be no.
Work is good.
Everyone is an amateur when they begin. The champions and experts find reasons to keep going.
Learn to cook.
Learn to clean.
Learn to listen, without judgment.
Nothing good happens after 10 pm.
Children are children. They need rules, consequences, patience, and kindness.
Trust but verify.
Ask for exactly what you want, not what you think the other side can give.
God answers prayer, but not all of them.
Pray all day, everyday.
God is good.
God is loving and kind.
God knows who you are and what you need.
Our lives are a journey of finding our most authentic self.
Listen to good advice, but own your decisions.
Keep going.
Either talk about it and get over it. Or let it go. But don’t hold onto resentment. Resentment is a cancer to your soul.
Honor your mom and dad. They did the best they could.
Gratitude will guard your heart from hypocrisy and self-pity.
Learn to build yourself up rather than relying on the compliments of others.
Know your worth, it is inherent in your person, not what you do.
When the day is done, take time to recall what was good.
You are responsible for your actions.
Learn to have hard conversations devoid of anger or anxiety.
Be loyal, but don’t follow friends into the pit.
Save a little of every dollar you're given or earn.
Empower those around you to act for themselves.
Laugh as often as possible.
Learn both to relax in silence and work in chaos.

Nik Curfman 8/30/22 Nik Curfman 8/30/22

Vol III: #11 Happy Birthday To Me

I was able to appreciate yesterday because of what happened instead of what didn’t happen. And, I was grateful for every “Happy Birthday” text and chat. It’s a good way to spend a birthday.

Yesterday was my 42nd birthday. I went to pray and did a bit of work but mostly chatted with friends or family. For dinner, I was invited over by the Nisly’s for miso soy meatballs and vanilla ice cream with oreo cookies. And toward the end of my visit, Kaiten Nisly asked,”What was your favorite moment from the last year of your life?” My mind whirled as I thought back to August 29th, 2021.

A year ago, I had lunch with a friend at a most excellent Korean restaurant. The chicken wings were crunchy and spicy and the beef noodle soup was rich and layered with flavor. A few days later, I began school at BSSM which brought a slate of new friends. After Christmas, COVID got me, twice. Then, I traveled over the summer and now I’m here writing this blog. My 42nd year of life was, by my standard, eventful and important. In the attempt to answer my friend, I was unable to find a memory more grand than all others. Contrary to these thoughts, my mind continued.

The answer to the question became more obvious once I settled on it. My favorite moment isn’t a specific time or place but a change. I’m more grateful and hopeful than ever. And, I see it when I’m able to appreciate and enjoy a moment as it’s happening. My thoughts have also changed, from searching for flaws and critiques to looking to discover what’s good and life-giving.

I was able to appreciate yesterday because of what happened instead of what didn’t happen. And, I was grateful for every “Happy Birthday” text and chat. It’s a good way to spend a birthday.

Nik Curfman 11/16/20 Nik Curfman 11/16/20

Journal: #120 Happy Birthday Momma

It wasn’t to be. None of it. They didn’t know their youngest daughter wanted something different for her life, and was willing to risk the known for the unknown. They couldn’t see how she was willing to try new things and explore new places.

It’s my mother’s birthday today. She was born sixty-four years ago in a small hospital in the rural town of Grove City, Pennsylvania. Her father wasn’t in the room or even in the building. 1956 was a different era, and thusly he waited for the news of my mother’s safe arrival from Aunt Red’s house down the street. Grandpa probably smoked cigarettes and drink coffee with one ear toward the phone, hoping for a boy.

At that moment, no one knew how much their world would change. In 1956, TV was the big new technology, Elvis Presley released his first hits, and America began to build its highway system. All the big movie stars, sports heroes, and musician were mostly white. Southern Blacks, either by fear or systemic repression, rarely voted. And women earned considerably less than men. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs were both in diapers, and Silicon Valley was just starting to rise.

Born To Be Who She Is

Born in the early morning, my infant mother was soon home with her sisters. It was a world of dolls, dresses, and routines. It was the world of a hard working blue collar family. Men did men things and women did women things. Her dad welded train cars during day, and operated a small farm on nights and weekends. My grandmother cooked, cleaned, mended and made clothes, rendered lard, baked everything imaginable, and did just about everything else worth doing for her family. It was a full time job no less demanding than the welding job my grandfather held.

I suspect my grandparents thought my mom, the youngest of six girls, would be like them. After or even perhaps during high school, my mom would find a nice hardworking boy and get married. I assume they thought she would live close, if not in town, maybe on a farm like their own. She’d have children, come over for Thanksgiving dinner, and help make rock candy before Christmas.

It wasn’t to be. None of it. They didn’t know their youngest daughter wanted something different for her life, and was willing to risk the known for the unknown. They couldn’t see how she was willing to try new things and explore new places. She met a boy alright, but nice is not how most people would describe him. Soon after they got married, she was off to Spain, then on to South Carolina, before settling in New York (and finally back to South Carolina.)

My mother was never dismissive of her parents, but is her own momma. It’s a real testimony to who my mother is. Whatever mistakes my grandparents made with my her, she used as fuel to be a different parent for me and my siblings.

The Best Gifts

Like anyone, my mom isn’t perfect, and made mistakes as a mother. My parents were young parents, farm kids trying to make on their own away from family. They didn’t know much about finances or going to college or southern culture. The greatest gifts my parents gave us are the best gifts any parent could give a child.

For my mother’s part, she is supportive, kind, and willing to listen. Sure, she bought me socks and underwear for Christmas every year for over a decade. Eventually, she stopped after I asked her to stop. Sweet and kind as she is, my mother is also a stubborn rock. She’ll quietly push her way to the front of the line, or be the type of persistent any customer service agent hates to encounter. Her kind stubborn nature enables her to be the mom her kids need whether we know it or not.

More than that, my mom is faithful and generous. She’s compassionate and loyal. And my God, she’s willing to learn, to grow, and be a better version of herself than she was last week. I love that about her. At almost 64 years old, that old farm girl is still learning new tricks and looking to make the world a better place.

Going Out On Top

When I recently asked her about what she wants to do in retirement she didn’t let me finish the sentence. I asked because I was worried she didn’t have a plan. I was worried she end up sitting at home to play sudoku on her iPad. I should’ve know better. For the next ten minutes she detailed her plans to feed the “olderly”, hold orphaned babies at the hospital, and volunteer in local food shelters (my mom is a damn Shakespeare clone, as she makes up new words everyday, old + elderly = olderly.)

That’s my mom. When other people are planning trips on cruise ships, she’s planning to love the forgotten and the unlovable. (Still, I hope she takes a trip or two. She’s deserves it.) She’s not gonna slow down or stop learning. God bless her.

Happy Birthday momma. You’re the rock of our family and you deserve the best. I love you so much, and I’m glad we are friends. I can’t wait for my future wife and kids to meet you.

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