Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 12/2/22 Nik Curfman 12/2/22

Vol III: #47 Did I, Grow Up?

I spent the next 24 hours doubting my ability to write a novel worth reading, though I never thought of giving it up. Then, a Holy thought formed in my mind. Write down your fears/disappointments and start over. So, I grabbed my notebook and jotted down my thoughts on what I wrote. Afterward, I took my pen and slashed through eight pages of garbage, ready to start again.

As you may know, or perhaps you don’t, I am writing a novel. The process is slow and I spend more time pondering the story than writing it. This is good, I’m told. (I heard a lifelong artist say “an artist should spend more time observing than creating. Then each brush stroke will be made with an educated purpose.” This approach is good for writing too.) And, I since I realized a novel is nothing more than collection of short stories with a common cast of characters organized around a central plot, I spend a considerable amount of time thinking about my characters and how they interact with one another.

Tuesday, I sat down to write a pivotal part of the novel’s climax, and…it sucked. Oh, it sucked bad. The crucial chain of events made little sense to the rest of the novel, and the plot holes were staggering. And the dialogue? It was eight grade school play awful. The shame of such bad writing and composition set in mere minutes after I finished composing it.

I spent the next 24 hours doubting my ability to write a novel worth reading, though I never thought of giving it up. Then, a Holy thought formed in my mind. Write down your fears/disappointments and start over. So, I grabbed my notebook and jotted down my thoughts on what I wrote. Afterward, I took my pen and slashed through eight pages of garbage, ready to start again.

Believe it or not, a moment like the one I had this week- some bad writing or a wrong brush stroke- has derailed me in the past. I have dozens of unfinished projects because I couldn’t handle my mistakes. My mistakes were seen as a judgement on my ability and talent. But you know? I’m learning. Bad writing is part of the process of becoming a good writer. And, I’m not done with my mistakes. Creative people must be able to work through bad choices and missteps. So, I must learn to keep moving/writing/sculpting. And, I think I have.

Feels good to grow up.

Nik Curfman 8/4/21 Nik Curfman 8/4/21

Vol II: #11 Growing Old

For now, I’m going to keep my long hair. This is the most hair I will have moving forward. If I cut it now, I likely won’t have another opportunity to grow it back. What I have is what I got. Whenever I do decide to get a cut, you’ll know. I moved on into the next phase of growing old.

Today is August 4th, 2021. It’s been 677 days since my last haircut, and I am pondering whether or not I need a new look. The hair on top of my head is thinning faster than the hair on the sides or the back. I thought about cutting it short and using Rogaine to regrow my lost hair. But it’s a fool’s gambit. The trick to Rogaine is daily use. It must be used every day to see results. Any stop in usage will result in hair loss. Not only that, but I’d lose whatever hair I was going to lose in the first place.

No. I will not use Rogaine— regardless of what I decide. The real quandary is in relationship to the unstoppable condition on top of my head. Long, thin hair looks like bits of yarn attached to a bald head. I promised myself I wouldn’t be one of those guys. I want to embrace all of what comes with growing old. (My declining eyesight is also on the horizon of issues to face. I’m still 20/20, but I can tell my eyes aren’t what they were.)

The reason I’m writing about this is that I don’t think we embrace the aging process. For example, I watched the Friends Reunion Special on HBO+ last week. It was boring and gruesome. The entire cast is over 50 years old, yet every one of them tried to replicate to look they had at 30. They looked awful. And, Why? Oh, that’s right. They work in an industry obsessed with appearances, which is why I stopped watching the Special after twenty minutes.

I want to look good and feel good about how I look. But, I don’t want to chase youth or the appearance of it. I fought too hard to love the skin I’m in. I won’t belittle myself for the sake of vanity. My self-esteem is intact; therefore, I need an answer to the original question. What do I do about my hair? Long hair is fun and versatile. I especially like my hair after a shower, fully dry. It’s big and glorious. Multiple people told me a look like a lion when my hair is that way. Washing and drying my hair is a pain, as are all the other drawbacks to long hair. (Ladies…I feel you.)

Nik Curfman 2/1/21 Nik Curfman 2/1/21

Journal: #193 January Was A Long Month

As I wrote yesterday and in many post since I started this blog, God is Good. It's only wise to shop up everyday, what ever we have to give. Earlier this month I was in a dither about life, and now I’m not. The only difference is Him. He never stops talking and walking with me.

Exactly three weeks ago I sat on a conference call and sank into a pool of self-pity. Why? A '“prophetic minister” gave out prophetic words, and I didn’t get one. Childish, right? I know. It’s comical now, but I let it ruin the better part of my day.

Old Wounds

My blog post that day (Gratitude of Change) made veiled mention of the issue in my heart. How many times have I sat in a church service or team meeting only to be disappointed. Legion. I used the exposed bitterness as on opportunity to grow. The problem that day three weeks ago wasn’t my lack, rather my judgement.

I went into the meeting with high expectations. If I got a prophetic word it would be a good meeting, and if I didn’t then it was a terrible meeting. I had no grace for the meeting hosts or the guest ministers, and I left no room for gratitude.

Time to Grow Up

The Holy Spirit helped me see all of the above- the entitlement, the lack of grace and gratitude. I can laugh about it now. In a matter of minutes I reverted to a 21 year-old me. My anger and insecurity kindled by thoughtless ministry types. How silly.

As I learned to do last year, I simply turned a corner and went on living my life. There’s no need to linger over our faults. Repent and more forward. As Revelation 3:19 says “The people I love, I call to account—prod and correct and guide so that they’ll live at their best. Up on your feet, then! About face! Run after God!” (The Message)

The Lord Laughs

This morning, we had another conference call with another prophetic minister. It didn’t register with me what happened until it was over. To be honest, I sent private messages to other people to assume myself, on the call during the call. I can’t recall a single thing the man said to anyone else. I can’t even remember his name. Adam?

Yet, before the call ended, he said my name. I was shaken from my role as class clown. Then the man- who I still cannot name- began to confirm everything the Lord told me over the last year. I can’t recall everything he said to me, but in the moment I thought “oh…this is the Lord confirming His goodness to me. I’m not crazy.”

After the call ended, I sat in my chair for an extended pause….and laughed. God has a sense of humor. You better believe it. Part of me feels like a real asshole for how I acted today, yet part of me doesn’t.

He Loves Us Because He Loves Us

How long do any of us need to hold onto the lie we have to act a certain way for the Lord to love us? It’s not true. Today, of all days, I didn’t “deserve” a word from the Lord. (It’s really bothering me I can’t remember the man’s name. LOLOLOLOL) It’s because He loves me I received an encouraging word today. He loved me three weeks ago too. Three weeks ago wasn’t the time, no matter how worthy I thought I was. Today was the day.

Damn, What A Long Month

As I wrote yesterday and in many post since I started this blog, God is Good. It's only wise to show up everyday, what ever we have to give. Earlier this month I was in a dither about life, and now I’m not. The only difference is Him. He never stops talking and walking with me.

January felt like a year crammed into 31 days. It’s awesome. I went from introspective to joyful in a matter of weeks. It’s not me. It’s the Lord. He’s good like that. Keep showing up friends. He’ll be there.

Lord, I lift up all my friends who are hurting one way or another tonight. To those who need a physical healing, I proclaim life to their bodies. To them who need peace and joy, I proclaim gratitude and love to their hearts.

Heal my dad’s ass.

Amen.