Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 6/27/21 Nik Curfman 6/27/21

Journal: #320 Grace In Failure Is Key

In truth, I am a beginner in several areas of my life. If I treat myself without grace or kindness, I will fail. But, if I approach the coming years with patience, I will succeed. It’s that simple. The Lord is constantly saying this to me. I won’t win my race if I am constantly tearing myself apart. Hope must be part of even the most frustrating days.

Over the weekend, I had an epiphany concerning where I am and how I’m going to get where I want to be. Much of my consternation of late is due to my consistent fight with insecurity. I’ve written about this. You know. What occurred to me Sunday was why I feel insecure. It is because I’m stepping out on my own in ways other people do not. I’m climbing a different mountain than most, so I can’t expect other people to be able to understand what I do or will do. You might be saying to yourself “yes, of course.” Duh— is another. I’ve written about that too.

What I’m talking about is— my epiphany— is a source of new grace for myself. I am learning how to learn, how to grow, and remain committed. Learning how to learn and grow is what’s new. Adults tend to want to learn and become proficient at the same time. (I think of my brother. Having never hung cabinets in his life, he berated himself because the new cabinets he self-installed were not perfectly square. Hilarious stuff.) When we fail at a new task, we start to believe we’re too old or lack the intelligence to understand it. That’s where I’ve been- failing and hating it.

Nik Curfman 10/25/20 Nik Curfman 10/25/20

Daily Journal: #98 My Friend Failure

Success is largely how we handle failure. In the past, failure was a signal of my self-worth, not a teacher or a friend. Now I have the benefit of something else. Of course I will fail, that’s life. I will continue to fail, to fall down, to fall short, to disappoint. Each time, I will rise and try again. These moments are a chance to learn and grow. It’s something else. I believe we call it wisdom.

Cafe Prohibition

In the fall of 2016, I started a pop-up food business called Cafe Prohibition. The concept was something like Loro in Austin, Texas. I wanted to marry flavors of the American south with delicious Asian ingredients. Week after week I worked long hours, eventually moved from my apartment kitchen to a cake shop willing to host me, and constantly changed the menu to find something people craved. I also managed the marketing, food prep, and cooking. So naturally…Cafe Prohibition failed.

I supported myself while I ran Cafe Prohibition with several side jobs. I ran social media for a local fitness company, managed a software integration project for a non-profit, and picked up shifts with Odell Craft BBQ. I did all this to invest my profits from Cafe Prohibition back into the business.

All of my effort seemed like a waste. Sales never got better. And as my business sank, I began to feel the suffocating judgement of failure. By the late summer of 2017, I was suicidal. (Not a joke.) I hated myself and my life. It was an emotional and metal hell.

Laughing At The Pain

This morning, while I walked with Jesus, I remembered Cafe Prohibition. I laughed at the ridiculous process I put myself through each week: shopping for the ingredients, prepping all the dishes, sauces and garnishes, THEN transferring everything from my apartment kitchen to the cake shop kitchen. (Why? Because they wouldn’t let me prep in their kitchen.) Once I set up in the cake shop, I served my food to the handful of customers willing to eat it, cleaned the kitchen, and packed my car to go home.

I created Cafe Prohibition because I am a talented cook, and it made sense. I have the experience, skill set, etc. What I didn’t have turned out to be the most crucial piece. At no point did I love it, my heart was never in it. I found no joy in the work or the process.

Cafe Prohibition is what happens when I do what other people tell me to do. It is the result of living in denial of what my heart wants.

And yes, I laugh about it now. I laugh because of the crazy dishes we created- puff pastry stuffed with butter chicken, corn batter waffles, and “korean” mac n cheese. Mostly, I find humor in the whole endeavor. Why did I ever think I’d be successful? I never liked the restaurant business. Like never ever. At best it was a way to make money while I was in college or ministry school.

Thankful For Failure

I have tried many different careers and jobs, and failed at nearly every one of them. Take a stroll with, while I tick them off:

Dropped out of college after my freshman year.
Dropped out of ministry school in my second year.
Quit a warehouse job.
Fired from a bartending job (because I wanted Father’s Day off.)
Dropped out of community college.
Back-to-back horrid dating relationships.
Quit three restaurant jobs in a year.
Failed to develop my video production business.
Quit a sale gig for a fish company.
Last in sales for a tech company.
Last in sales for another tech company.
The aforementioned Cafe Prohibition failure.
Quit working for another tech company…sales ain’t my thing.
Another break up. It wasn’t an abusive relationship, which kinda made it hurt worse than the others.
Dissolved and left a business partnership.
Weight issues.
Money problems.
Mental and emotional issues.
Lack of self-worth.

As I look at that list I smile and laugh. This isn’t a comprehensive list, but it represents is what I didn’t want or wasn’t ready to receive. Accordingly, this list of failures does not include my wins. It does not include all the successful friendships I’ve made, or the weight I’ve lost. Despite several dropouts, I eventually graduated from college in 2013. And how could it tell the story of my current life, the one where I embrace who I am and walk with Jesus?

No. I am not my failures. I am not a failure.

The Joy of Failure

Until recently, whenever I heard someone say “I don’t have any regrets,” I thought they were full of shit. No one is perfect. How can they have no regrets? I thought they were lying or narcissistic. I was loaded with regrets and constantly expressed them. If I could go back I would… From my perspective it wasn’t possible to live without regret, but it is.

Regret is for people who don’t learn. It is for victims and the powerless. How do I know? I was a victim of life, powerless to change what came. I learned from each failure, mainly how to protect myself. Part of the greatness of God is in how he can take anyone and flip the narrative. It doesn’t happen all at once, but is the work of daily pursuit of the Kingdom. That’s what happened to me.

I didn’t wake up one day to feel dramatic perspective in the way I judged my life. My shift happened over time and was the slow work of love.

There is a moment available to every Christian if we choose to dig deep into the Lord. It’s a glorious moment when we see all the ashes of past failure as fertilizer for new growth. He wastes nothing- not a single moment of shame, pain, or humiliation. And in the end, we can laugh at it. The failed relationships gave me the space to grow and develop into a better partner. All of my work in sales and marketing are useful as I begin to embrace my heart to love people. And all my experience in the restaurant business will enable me to eat well. (And thank God for that, and enduring gift.)

Success is largely how we handle failure. In the past, failure was a signal of my self-worth, not a teacher or a friend. Now I have the benefit of something else. Of course I will fail, that’s life. I will continue to fail, to fall short, and disappoint. Each time, I will rise and try again. These moments are a chance to learn and grow. It’s the process of wisdom.

Lord, thank you for your Grace and Redemption. I’m so glad my past is full of gold. Thank you for sticking with me through all the ups and downs, and continuing to be with me.

I commit my hand to stay clamped to Yours.

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