Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 5/17/21 Nik Curfman 5/17/21

Journal: #282 The Return of Confession

The cycle is not new for me- offense turns to anger, which turns into dickishness. I recognize it from last year. It’s how I treated my old business partner. His inability to validate my self-worth drove me nuts, but it wasn’t his job. It’s my job to let shit go and validate me. If I feel like shit no amount of outside validation helps. And if I validate me, no amount of shit hurts. See how that works?

I did it again. I treated my mother poorly- not as well as I would like. And, I don’t want to admit why. There is no good reason to mistreat someone, especially my mother (or yours.) Thusly, I have no good reason to be a dick. But, a reason exists nonetheless. I decided I’m out of time for this post. Today is the reckoning.

From an outside perspective, I know I look like a dick. Internally, I justify my words because I need to stick up for myself. Boundaries are a new concept to the Curfman family, one we’ve all learned in the last decade. Naturally, some of us are more apt to use boundaries. Mainly me. My parents are often concerned with how I (or my siblings) will respond. It’s a valid concern, although it only serves to continue the status quo. I firmly believe one has no right to complain about what they are unwilling to change.

Back to me and my parents…

I’ve hidden behind “setting boundaries” as an outlet for my disappointment. Somewhere between December and March I lost my patience, and I’m embarrassed to admit it. Over the last few months, I lost my ability to “let it go.” Of the many examples, I give this one: whenever I see my dad eat sugar despite his health issues, it drives me nuts. What I should do is let him eat the sugar. What I do is stew in my indignation. What is he doing? Life without sugar is 10x healthier.

I love my heart for my dad to live a long healthy life. What is not my place is to henpeck his life choices, or even be offended by them. Same goes for my mom. She’s a good mom, wants what’s best for me, and always has my back. It’s not that they deserve better, but they do deserve grace. We all do. Everyday. My life will become mush less meaningful if I go around trying to correct every stupid offense. It’s not worth it. I’d rather enjoy my time with my parents.

This moment is in line with many from the last year. The Lord is good to repeat Himself and surround me with people who love me. Grace and more grace, the endless love of God. I’m sorry I waited this long to confession my anger and resentment. Waiting only gives the devil time. And, I’m about that free life.

Momma, I love you.

Nik Curfman 3/3/21 Nik Curfman 3/3/21

Journal: #219 Honest With God

Yesterday, I felt a huge relief when I finally told the Lord about some doubts in my heart. They were about Him. This life of faith isn’t a straight line or one of perpetual bliss. I know it. Heck, the Lord told be this year would be like a rollercoaster back in January.

Honesty with God is important. It’s important to me. I tend to do this thing where I hide my thoughts from God and pretend everything is ok. Or, try to make everything ok. It’s not intentional on my part. I am still developing my ability to be completely open and honest with the Lord.

He knows what’s going on me, so my honesty is more for me than Him. I can’t seem to move through a problem if I don’t confess it. In any case, I’m not going to get down on myself. Practice makes perfect. I’ll spend the rest of this week being honest, to keep my heart free.

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Nik Curfman 1/9/21 Nik Curfman 1/9/21

Abstraction: Human Desire

The fear faced and the admission made,

I know what I want is good and human.

An original, Eternal desire,

Planted by the Holy Spirit when we were still dust.

Found at the bottom of the chest, beneath the blankets and odd trinkets.

The simplest longing,

Old as humanity,

Evidence of my Eternal DNA.

I’m afraid to admit what I’ve found.

I’m afraid to recognize some part of me is like you.

I want to be special.

I wanted the desire buried in my depth to be unique.

So, I can be unique.

My purpose greater than most.

My life worth living, noteworthy, and admirable.

But, when I look at what lay at the base of all the rest, I feel ashamed.

And more shame, because I feel I am like you, not distinct but the same.

I’m suppose to be different.

My life more than ordinary.

How can something so common lead to anything extraordinary?

Here I sit, crossed leg and left eye twitching,

As I try to find the words to confess I am human.

With ease I write,

I want to love people.

My mom, my friends, and my enemies.

The next step is to expose what I found beneath that,

I want to be loved.

More than loved, because I am already surrounded by it,

From my mom, my friends, and my enemies.

I want to love and be loved, by her.

(Whoever her will be.)

The fear faced and the admission made,

I know what I want is good and human.

An original, Eternal desire,

Planted by the Holy Spirit when we were still dust.