Journal: #282 The Return of Confession
I did it again. I treated my mother poorly- not as well as I would like. And, I don’t want to admit why. There is no good reason to mistreat someone, especially my mother (or yours.) Thusly, I have no good reason to be a dick. But, a reason exists nonetheless. I decided I’m out of time for this post. Today is the reckoning.
From an outside perspective, I know I look like a dick. Internally, I justify my words because I need to stick up for myself. Boundaries are a new concept to the Curfman family, one we’ve all learned in the last decade. Naturally, some of us are more apt to use boundaries. Mainly me. My parents are often concerned with how I (or my siblings) will respond. It’s a valid concern, although it only serves to continue the status quo. I firmly believe one has no right to complain about what they are unwilling to change.
Back to me and my parents…
I’ve hidden behind “setting boundaries” as an outlet for my disappointment. Somewhere between December and March I lost my patience, and I’m embarrassed to admit it. Over the last few months, I lost my ability to “let it go.” Of the many examples, I give this one: whenever I see my dad eat sugar despite his health issues, it drives me nuts. What I should do is let him eat the sugar. What I do is stew in my indignation. What is he doing? Life without sugar is 10x healthier.
I love my heart for my dad to live a long healthy life. What is not my place is to henpeck his life choices, or even be offended by them. Same goes for my mom. She’s a good mom, wants what’s best for me, and always has my back. It’s not that they deserve better, but they do deserve grace. We all do. Everyday. My life will become mush less meaningful if I go around trying to correct every stupid offense. It’s not worth it. I’d rather enjoy my time with my parents.
The cycle is not new for me- offense turns to anger, which turns into dickishness. I recognize it from last year. It’s how I treated my old business partner. His inability to validate my self-worth drove me nuts, but it wasn’t his job. It’s my job to let shit go and validate me. If I feel like shit no amount of outside validation helps. And if I validate me, no amount of shit hurts. See how that works?
This moment is in line with many from the last year. The Lord is good to repeat Himself and surround me with people who love me. Grace and more grace, the endless love of God. I’m sorry I waited this long to confession my anger and resentment. Waiting only gives the devil time. And, I’m about that free life.
Momma, I love you.
