Walk in the Woods

Abstraction Nik Curfman Abstraction Nik Curfman

Abstraction: 40 Years A Gift

Like I said, I love me. And I wouldn’t be me without all that.

I paid a steep price to stand, and reflect, and love the person I see in front of me.

Indeed, without question or hesitation…I’d absolutely pay that price again.

I’m worth it.

I’m standing on my side of the mirror, to see the me I am at 40.

I’ve traded my respectable high fade for shoulder length locks.

My cheeks, once plump, seem to disappear behind my uncut beard.

I am thinner now than ever before, a symbol of something greater than a few lost pounds.

I stare into my eyes, my wonderful blue eyes, and brush the steaks of tears from my face.

I love who I am.

Standing in front of myself, I think about my life. Neither the good or the bad, I wouldn’t trade a single moment for another.

Even more, I’d do it all over again.

Every failure, every heart break, every single second of anguish and suicidal loneliness?

Yes.

I’d do it again.

Each trial and every battle is now a stone on which I rise.

I wouldn’t know what I know, have the faith I carry, or overflow with love without them.

I’d drink till I pass out, pretend to be someone I’m not, and steal food from work.

I’d drift from job to job, and date the drug addict.

I’d spend hours screaming in the dark for answers and wondering why I don’t fit in.

I’d trust the Spirit, and reject Pride.

I’d choose Love over Shame.

I’d stick to my promise to follow Him.

Like I said, I love me. And I wouldn’t be me without all that.

I paid a steep price to stand, and reflect, and love the person I see in front of me.

Indeed, without question or hesitation…I’d absolutely pay that price again.

I’m worth it.

(One of the greatest gifts of my life is to see my life as a gift. Even the messy bits polite people would rather forget.)

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At 40, I’m Ready to Live

“With You[Jesus], there is no beginning or end, just being. And I aim to be me the rest of what I’ve got to live. My bag is full of wisdom to be applied, not dusty useless memories. I’m hauling valuable nuggets of truth and grace- treasures to share to the thirsty, and those ready to move onward.”

The above is part of a prayer I wrote last night. The beginning of this same prayer centered on the scattered state of my thoughts. The last month my brain has been on overload- creative thoughts, mixed with processes, big emotions, random opinions, long desires, and hope. And some fears. 

This morning on my walk, I shed a few tears while talking to the Holy Spirit. My brain likes to do its own thing, and I am exhausted by all the cranial activity. I’m going to have to learn how to focus on a few things rather than considering the whole. And I believe I will. 

The thing is, at almost 40 years old, I can see my life as load of treasure. Which seems somewhat odd. On the surface it’s doesn’t seem like much- lots of cooking, masturbating, some Jesus, some friends, a trip here and there, lots of debt, self-doubt, failed relationships, obesity, weed, and personal growth. Seems fairly basic to me. 

But it isn’t. I couldn’t see it for a while, but I’ve been moving up the mountain- not mired in the valley. I know how to overcome fear and beat obesity. I know the answer to porn addiction and fantasy jerk-offs isn’t as simple “stop doing that.” I’ve found answers to self-pity, anxiety, and hopelessness, been suicidal multiple times. I know how fucked that place is. Given the state of the world…don’t we need that? Don’t we need people preaching/teaching/sharing practical hope and joy? Don’t we need people who’ve been in the shitter, lost in a desperation, but found a path to Life?

So yeah. 30 something years of shit is suddenly pure gold. Wouldn’t change a thing. I’m ready to shine a light on the path to Life, and it’s a path everyone can walk.

Bring on 40. 

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