Walk in the Woods

Daily Journal Nik Curfman Daily Journal Nik Curfman

Daily Journal: #115 Crying to Laugh

Yesterday, I was able to make it back to a centered place. I want to be who I am no matter what. I want to write and go for hikes no matter the result. I want to post blogs from now till I die, because I love doing it. I want to draw and paint because I like to draw and paint. And it’s easier for me to do all of it when I stop worrying about who watches or reads or is impressed.

In the aftermath of my breakup last May, I had a surplus of motivation. I found it easy to go for walks, eat my veggies, write blog posts, and paint. I had something to prove to someone. A small part of me wanted her to know she f-cked up. And…(more importantly) I wanted to prove to myself I was worth the effort. I wanted to love myself well. By my own standard, I did really well. I did not end up down in a pit of self-pity, and I battled shame like a boss. It was time to trust the Lord more than ever.

Overall, I did about as well as I could considering the mix of emotions, disappointment, and determination to face the pain.

God Knows

As each week passes, I feel the distance growing between me and May 31st. I’m so happy and thankful I decided to press into Jesus and walk ever closer with Him in the aftermath. It is the best decision I’ve ever made. The Lord was so kind and gracious. He knew my heart contained a combination of motivation, and He didn’t care. Purity of motivation isn’t a thing with the Lord.

A while ago (late September or early October), the Lord very distinctly told me to “stay close to Me, stay with Me.” I knew exactly what He meant. The coming months will test my motivation as life churns forward, and it has. I find it easy to perform if I think a crowd is watching, or I have someone to impress. However, the last few weeks, I know no one is watching. I know it’s about me and Him.

Walking and Crying

Last night I felt an undercurrent of anxiety, like something wasn’t quite right. To clear my head and heart I went for a late night stroll. When I got to the top of the hill I finally expressed a thought I’ve chased around my mind. I don’t want her to be the reason I do anything. I want to do what I do for me and You Lord. I tired of the small still existent desire for her to notice me.

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In truth my former girlfriend represents more than herself. She is now the representation of all the people I want to impress or win over. And I do not want to live my life trying to gain the approval of others. That’s the old Nik. That’s the Nik that hated himself, because he tried to fit into a box. (Again, this is not about her per se.)

I burst into tears as I confessed my deep fear. Far too long I’ve been motivated to fit in, and I can’t let it creep back into my life. What I do, where I go, I want to be, I want for me.

Laughter Is Good

As I turned to walk home, I felt relieved. I often forget to be honest with the Lord. (By honest I mean unfiltered. Sometimes I try to fix myself before I pray it out. I don’t have to do that.) I did not hear the Lord say anything amazing or earth-shattering. I did feel a great calm and joy settle over my being, and I began to laugh at myself- the way I complicate life. I question myself before I need to question myself. Thankfully, I am slowly letting go of self-judgment, and it’s still there.

God is so good to me. He listens and encourages me, and knows what’s coming. He knew I’d struggle a bit as I moved forward this year. He knew my motivations would shift and change. And His constant encouragement was and is “show up.”

Yesterday, I was able to make it back to a centered place. I want to be who I am no matter what. I want to write and go for hikes no matter the result. I want to post blogs from now till I die, because I love doing it. I want to draw and paint because I like to draw and paint. And it’s easier for me to do all of it when I stop worrying about who watches or reads or is impressed.

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