Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 5/2/21 Nik Curfman 5/2/21

Journal: #271 Catch-Up

It was the most well-timed text in recent memory. A best friend Blake asked to catch-up, and I answered, "absolutely." The conversation is one I longed to have, but didn't have the fortitude to ask for. Thank God he reached out. I'm serious. Thank God.

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It was the most well-timed text in recent memory. A best friend, Blake asked to catch-up, and I answered, "absolutely." The conversation is one I longed to have, but didn't have the fortitude to ask for. Thank God he reached out. I'm serious. Thank God.

As is normal between us, we both endured a tough week last week. Most of the difficulty being the self-inflicted variety. We experienced short tempers, self-destructive behavior, and a bit of pessimism. I told Blake about my snippy attitude toward my parents, and he detailed his blow up at a gas station. We laughed at ourselves and this tense moment of our lives.

Blake is dealing with the death of his younger brother Jordan. He passed away last month after two years of unsuccessful cancer treatments. His anger leaks out of him in little bits, over normal adult situations like car trouble. He hates coming undone, especially in front of his wife. Blake fancies himself as a "fix it" man. He is the one with answers and the charm to put others at ease. He feels like he's letting people down when he's weak. And, I get it.

I've dealt with a different kind of grief the last month. The last bit of hope I held for my former girlfriend died in April. I am untethered from hope, which means I have no external motivation. It's a naked time in my life. I am left to my thoughts, dream, and desires. And in this place, I ask "are my dream good enough." Truth is, I don't know, and that's not the point. My dreams need to be good enough for me.

Also, I'm not alone. The Lord is with me. Last night He told me to be and do. My trust isn't in perfection decisions, and my joy isn't in doing tasks. My life and joy is in Him. Lately, I am aware my life will always be empty without faith, because faith keeps me happy. I love trusting the Lord and believing I can't fail. Oh sure, I can fall, but I can't fail. Failure is resignation. It's giving up, and I refuse to give up.

When I look at my life through the looking glass of faith, it's roses. I'm gonna be fine. Blake is gonna be fine. This is a mere moment. And, as Blake noted toward the end of our call, it's part of the process. Faith grows stronger in the rage of the storm. Regardless of how frustrated or vulgar I am, it's always a win to turn to Jesus.

So, here I am. Winning. Despite five weeks of shame, tears, and fears, I move onward. I choose to trust the Holy Spirit exactly where I am. I will be honest about my pain, and let Him heal me. The Lord knows what I need, and when it's time to deliver the goods. Today it came in the form of an empathetic friend and his kind voice.

God is Good. He's got a plan, and I trust him. Amen.

Nik Curfman 2/27/21 Nik Curfman 2/27/21

Journal: #216 Hugs and Being Known

I want my wife to be my best friend, to share hugs and respect, and honesty. I want someone I can create a life with and fight adversity with. And I know, some of that only can come with time and dedication.

I hope everyone has a best friend and confidant. They are life givers.

I’m extremely grateful to have the friends I have in my life. Last night and today I spent the day with one of my best friend’s Blake. It’s been a true blessings, a refreshing gift from God. The conversations I have with him are the result of years of honesty and connection. And, love.

I hope everyone has a best friend and confidant. They are life givers.

Lord, thank you for Blake and Hilary. Thank you for their hearts and generous spirits. More than that, I’m thankful for the ability to enjoy each other. It wonderful.

Amen.

Walk in the Woods

Journal: #271 Catch-Up

Journal: #216 Hugs and Being Known

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