Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 8/31/23 Nik Curfman 8/31/23

Vol IV: #15 43 Bits of Nikdom

A fun list of my wisdom. 43 years of it and counting.

I turned 43 on Tuesday. And when I called my parents for the perfunctory birthday chat , I told them of my desire to live another 80 years. And we laughed about the idea of me as an old crank, spinning stories about corded phones and three channels on the faux wooden box we called a TV. I admit, I love the idea of being shriveled and saggy and doling out unsolicited advice to all in earshot.

Given I plan to be old, I might as well start to dole out what I know, as practice for later. I’ve did something similar when I turned 40- you made read so here: 40 Year Old Wisdom- and want to make this post an annual post, every year around my birthday. Why not? It will be fun to compare what makes the list from year to year. When I turned 40, I was very much into healthy living with a particular focus on mental health. And I was long-winded. LOL. Today, you will read a list, intentionally more simple. Let go of pain as soon as possible. Anger and offense will not empower you or help you.

Love.
Eat well.
Act.
Sleep well, your day and body depend on it.
Exercise a little everyday. Your mind will thank you.
A good man is not without sin. A good man does not surrender to or justify his sins.
Nothing good is quick and nothing quick is good. Ask any woman.
Spend the money on durable and quality goods/services.
Cheap is the road to addiction.
Love people, not their opinions or views.
Give grace to everyone. No exceptions.
Boundaries are healthy.
As the Man said, let your yes be yes and no be no.
Work is good.
Everyone is an amateur when they begin. The champions and experts find reasons to keep going.
Learn to cook.
Learn to clean.
Learn to listen, without judgment.
Nothing good happens after 10 pm.
Children are children. They need rules, consequences, patience, and kindness.
Trust but verify.
Ask for exactly what you want, not what you think the other side can give.
God answers prayer, but not all of them.
Pray all day, everyday.
God is good.
God is loving and kind.
God knows who you are and what you need.
Our lives are a journey of finding our most authentic self.
Listen to good advice, but own your decisions.
Keep going.
Either talk about it and get over it. Or let it go. But don’t hold onto resentment. Resentment is a cancer to your soul.
Honor your mom and dad. They did the best they could.
Gratitude will guard your heart from hypocrisy and self-pity.
Learn to build yourself up rather than relying on the compliments of others.
Know your worth, it is inherent in your person, not what you do.
When the day is done, take time to recall what was good.
You are responsible for your actions.
Learn to have hard conversations devoid of anger or anxiety.
Be loyal, but don’t follow friends into the pit.
Save a little of every dollar you're given or earn.
Empower those around you to act for themselves.
Laugh as often as possible.
Learn both to relax in silence and work in chaos.

Nik Curfman 10/25/20 Nik Curfman 10/25/20

Daily Journal: #98 My Friend Failure

Success is largely how we handle failure. In the past, failure was a signal of my self-worth, not a teacher or a friend. Now I have the benefit of something else. Of course I will fail, that’s life. I will continue to fail, to fall down, to fall short, to disappoint. Each time, I will rise and try again. These moments are a chance to learn and grow. It’s something else. I believe we call it wisdom.

Cafe Prohibition

In the fall of 2016, I started a pop-up food business called Cafe Prohibition. The concept was something like Loro in Austin, Texas. I wanted to marry flavors of the American south with delicious Asian ingredients. Week after week I worked long hours, eventually moved from my apartment kitchen to a cake shop willing to host me, and constantly changed the menu to find something people craved. I also managed the marketing, food prep, and cooking. So naturally…Cafe Prohibition failed.

I supported myself while I ran Cafe Prohibition with several side jobs. I ran social media for a local fitness company, managed a software integration project for a non-profit, and picked up shifts with Odell Craft BBQ. I did all this to invest my profits from Cafe Prohibition back into the business.

All of my effort seemed like a waste. Sales never got better. And as my business sank, I began to feel the suffocating judgement of failure. By the late summer of 2017, I was suicidal. (Not a joke.) I hated myself and my life. It was an emotional and metal hell.

Laughing At The Pain

This morning, while I walked with Jesus, I remembered Cafe Prohibition. I laughed at the ridiculous process I put myself through each week: shopping for the ingredients, prepping all the dishes, sauces and garnishes, THEN transferring everything from my apartment kitchen to the cake shop kitchen. (Why? Because they wouldn’t let me prep in their kitchen.) Once I set up in the cake shop, I served my food to the handful of customers willing to eat it, cleaned the kitchen, and packed my car to go home.

I created Cafe Prohibition because I am a talented cook, and it made sense. I have the experience, skill set, etc. What I didn’t have turned out to be the most crucial piece. At no point did I love it, my heart was never in it. I found no joy in the work or the process.

Cafe Prohibition is what happens when I do what other people tell me to do. It is the result of living in denial of what my heart wants.

And yes, I laugh about it now. I laugh because of the crazy dishes we created- puff pastry stuffed with butter chicken, corn batter waffles, and “korean” mac n cheese. Mostly, I find humor in the whole endeavor. Why did I ever think I’d be successful? I never liked the restaurant business. Like never ever. At best it was a way to make money while I was in college or ministry school.

Thankful For Failure

I have tried many different careers and jobs, and failed at nearly every one of them. Take a stroll with, while I tick them off:

Dropped out of college after my freshman year.
Dropped out of ministry school in my second year.
Quit a warehouse job.
Fired from a bartending job (because I wanted Father’s Day off.)
Dropped out of community college.
Back-to-back horrid dating relationships.
Quit three restaurant jobs in a year.
Failed to develop my video production business.
Quit a sale gig for a fish company.
Last in sales for a tech company.
Last in sales for another tech company.
The aforementioned Cafe Prohibition failure.
Quit working for another tech company…sales ain’t my thing.
Another break up. It wasn’t an abusive relationship, which kinda made it hurt worse than the others.
Dissolved and left a business partnership.
Weight issues.
Money problems.
Mental and emotional issues.
Lack of self-worth.

As I look at that list I smile and laugh. This isn’t a comprehensive list, but it represents is what I didn’t want or wasn’t ready to receive. Accordingly, this list of failures does not include my wins. It does not include all the successful friendships I’ve made, or the weight I’ve lost. Despite several dropouts, I eventually graduated from college in 2013. And how could it tell the story of my current life, the one where I embrace who I am and walk with Jesus?

No. I am not my failures. I am not a failure.

The Joy of Failure

Until recently, whenever I heard someone say “I don’t have any regrets,” I thought they were full of shit. No one is perfect. How can they have no regrets? I thought they were lying or narcissistic. I was loaded with regrets and constantly expressed them. If I could go back I would… From my perspective it wasn’t possible to live without regret, but it is.

Regret is for people who don’t learn. It is for victims and the powerless. How do I know? I was a victim of life, powerless to change what came. I learned from each failure, mainly how to protect myself. Part of the greatness of God is in how he can take anyone and flip the narrative. It doesn’t happen all at once, but is the work of daily pursuit of the Kingdom. That’s what happened to me.

I didn’t wake up one day to feel dramatic perspective in the way I judged my life. My shift happened over time and was the slow work of love.

There is a moment available to every Christian if we choose to dig deep into the Lord. It’s a glorious moment when we see all the ashes of past failure as fertilizer for new growth. He wastes nothing- not a single moment of shame, pain, or humiliation. And in the end, we can laugh at it. The failed relationships gave me the space to grow and develop into a better partner. All of my work in sales and marketing are useful as I begin to embrace my heart to love people. And all my experience in the restaurant business will enable me to eat well. (And thank God for that, and enduring gift.)

Success is largely how we handle failure. In the past, failure was a signal of my self-worth, not a teacher or a friend. Now I have the benefit of something else. Of course I will fail, that’s life. I will continue to fail, to fall short, and disappoint. Each time, I will rise and try again. These moments are a chance to learn and grow. It’s the process of wisdom.

Lord, thank you for your Grace and Redemption. I’m so glad my past is full of gold. Thank you for sticking with me through all the ups and downs, and continuing to be with me.

I commit my hand to stay clamped to Yours.

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