Walk in the Woods

Daily Journal Nik Curfman Daily Journal Nik Curfman

Vol III: #28 Truth Loops

Truth loops are all over the place and I encounter such a truth loop when I read what Jesus preached in Matthew 5 and 6. How can I be a light and a city on a hill while I heed the warning “beware of practicing your righteousness before men.” Seems to me Jesus is questioning my motives, which is something I do all the time. Thanks Jesus.

One of the hardest parts of life is how two truths seem to conflict with each other. And on occasion, these axioms create a loop. Depending on your position- in or out of the loop- determines your perspective on the loop. For example, most of would agree you need a job to gain experience and you need experience to get a job. To the young and eager positioned outside, this may appear to be an unbreakable truth loop. The question of how does one gain experience without a job is the most common question to ask in this scenario. (The answer is not one people want to hear so I will save it for another day.)

Truth loops are all over the place and I encounter such a truth loop when I read what Jesus preached in Matthew 5 and 6. How can I be a light and a city on a hill while I heed the warning “beware of practicing your righteousness before men.” Seems to me Jesus is questioning my motives, which is something I do all the time. Thanks Jesus.

One of my prevailing weaknesses is the need to be seen as a good man. And, after years of trying to prove myself, I finally learned how my weakness worked. My insecurity is a dragon who is never satisfied. No amount of affirmation or pats on the back will be enough to feel good about who I am. The trick is to be secure in the knowledge of who I am in the Lord. That’s the place I find my rest and peace. Without a need to perform for people, I’m left with the Lord. And, do I perform for Him? (Performance is what we do for someone when the thing/task/service isn’t our reality.) Isn’t that what we call religion? Most importantly, how do I leave it behind?

When I think about all the sermons I sat through, the ones that scolded the audience and shamed us into “Christian behavior,” I’m left wondering why we put our behavior above the relationship? To be a light on the hill is to shine without shame. And the flame is lit by Him, not me. How, when, and where I shine is up to the Lord. And, there is freedom in it.

The only answer I have is that we- the church body- need the Christian life to look a certain way. We need the prophetic and miracles and people getting saved. We need banners and flags and well crafted prayers before the collection plate comes around. And all of those things are great and awesome, but they are not fruits of the Spirit. Churches are stuffed with people who act like Christians or try to act like Christians. And, it’s the worst. Let’s not forget Paul said nothing of the supernatural when he wrote Love is kind, Love is patient, or Love is long-suffering. And, he didn’t mention the resurrection of the dead when he explained the fruit of the Spirit- peace, love, hope, joy, faith, righteousness, etc.

I guess the best answer to my truth loop question is: Jesus’ warning is about performance, and the commandment to shine is enabled by relationship with Him. As such, my writing, this blog, can be a light and it can become a task to check off my list. I pray the task days are few and far between.

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Vol II: #55 No Lie Is Worth Being Separated

What do I believe about my life that is an utter lie? What is obvious to everyone else, but not to me? For now, I do not know. All I know is I do not want to live my life propped up by false narratives, walls I put up to protect myself from the truth. I see how lies keep my roommate (and others I know) in the dark. The darkness foster’s resentment and depression and pulls us from the Lord. And no lie is worth being separated from the Father and His kind heart.

This week, in a conversation with friends, I heard my roommate say it was coronavirus that killed his father. This verdict is true only as part of a larger whole truth. And I was left to wonder. Was it a tactful or blind response? My roommate’s father was diagnosed with blockages around his heart in mid-December of 2020. Those blockages required immediate by-pass surgery only a week before Christmas. Unfortunately, Mr. Roommate’s father was back in the hospital by Christmas night. Two weeks later, he died.

Was coronavirus a contributing factor? Yes. But, Mr. Roommate’s father was in terrible health due to a history of poor health choices. He ate low-nutrition carbs, fried meats, and drank large quantities of wine and brown liquor. As if that wasn’t enough, I’m fairly certain the man never exercised or ventured outside for longer than it takes to walk to his car from the house or house to the car. Everything about his lifestyle made him a prime candidate for heart disease.

I reiterate my confusion. Was my roommate trying to turn a complicated story into a simple answer? Perhaps. But, I don’t think so. Given previous conversations, my assumption is coronavirus is an easy villain to blame. It’s a monster he can’t control, and requires no responsibility on his part. Should he admit his father’s fault, my roommate would be required to examine his lifestyle- a task he is unwilling to do at the moment.

If I were you I’d wonder why I bothered to write this. For starters, no one reads this blog. The few who do are trust worthy. Secondly, this is my blog. I will discuss what I please. And I can take down whatever post I like or delete them.

My final reason for writing this blog is to examine the blind spots in my heart. I want to ask the questions. What do I believe about my life that is an utter lie? What is obvious to everyone else, but not to me? For now, I do not know. All I know is I do not want to live my life propped up by false narratives, walls I put up to protect myself from the truth. I see how lies keep my roommate (and others I know) in the dark. The darkness foster’s resentment and depression and pulls us from the Lord. And no lie is worth being separated from the Father and His kind heart.

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Abstract: Don’t Fight The Lies, Accept the Truth

So on this dreary morning, full of doubt,

I will not answer my attacker or plead my case.

I will not submit evidence to the court as proof of my worth.

Nah.

I will rise and whisper:

Lord, here I am.

As the day dawned, I rolled over and longed for more of the night.

Alone in my bed, rancid thoughts pushed their way to the front of my mind.

How long will I accuse myself? Judge the creation of the Lord?

Am I not like the rest of His of work?

Am I not Good?

The ancient answer is apparent and obvious: Yes.

I am Good.

For everything He made He called Good.

From this perch, my mind shouts its strongest indictment:

If I am good, why do I struggle?

Why?

No amount of extra sleep or wishing away the dawn is an antidote to the sickness of my imperfection.

Suddenly, like the rising sun,

the Holy Spirit arrives in all Her kind glory,

The Accuser exposed.

She quietly reminds me of the eternal truth.

Yes, I am Good.

No, I am not perfect, not complete, not finished.

Perfection is not the expectation of the Spirit, but flawed men.

My servant Savior didn’t demand the perfection so preached in our churches.

He said,”Come after me. Seek the Father. The rest will care for itself.”

So on this dreary morning, full of doubt,

I will not answer my attacker or plead my case.

I will not submit evidence to the court as proof of my worth.

Nah.

I will rise and whisper:

Lord, here I am.

I give you everything that I am.

I lay down my doubts and pain,

my hopes and dreams.

I trust you and accept the life your planned for me,

Your grace, hopes and dreams,

Your eyes and ears for me.

Rip out the roots of the accuser,

Water the seeds You put in my heart,

Your will be done in my life and through my life this day.

I refuse to listen to the same lies that work to tie me down and hold me in shame,

I accept your Word over me.

I love You, and I’m so thankful You are real and love me.

Amen.

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