Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 10/28/22 Nik Curfman 10/28/22

Vol III: #29 Success is Awesome

In lieu of looking for deeper meaning, I’ll just tell you what I did with my first proper baguette. After some perfunctory photos and texts, I sliced the bread the length of the loaf and layered prosciutto, salami, provolone, and a handful of pickled banana peppers inside. Then, I enjoyed my labor. It was a fine and filling sandwich and joyful to eat. Success tastes delicious.

All of nine days ago I wrote about the need to childlike, especially as I learn to bake a proper baguette. And, today I did it. From the right amount of salt, to the fermentation, proof, and bake; I nailed it. The crust is thin and crisp while the crumb is irregular, open, and just to the right side of chewy. Oh, oh Nik. You silly boy. To think, you nearly gave up a few weeks ago.

Nik Curfman 8/13/21 Nik Curfman 8/13/21

Vol II: #15 Success Is Not A Feeling

Around 11 AM today, I got a text from my buddy Blake. He is in a bit of a work lull, which is normal in the video production industry. Projects pop up, and sometimes there are more projects than others. Newly married, my friend feels the very real weight men often experience when we don’t “pull our weight” financially. I rattled off a few encouraging words and went back to work. Moments later, Blake called me because what I said, “meant a lot to him.”

As soon as I set my phone down from my conversation with Blake, Hudson asked via text to meet up for an afternoon coffee. I told him I could meet around 2 PM, which is what we did. Again, I talked him through a tough work scenario. We’ll talk again tomorrow.

Wednesday afternoon, I chatted with Jonathon. (Yes, with an -on instead of an -an.) He talked about his frustration with his job too. Again, I walked him through why he hates it. Johnathon is a people person- like me. He lives his best life whenever he meets new people. He’s everyone’s friend and has the innate ability to put anyone at ease. The problem is, he hates sales regardless of how well he does. It’s a real shame. He’s so good at it. If I was building a sales team he would be the second call I make.

On a personal level, today feels like a slog, as though I’ve lost both shoes in a swamp and I’m miles from dry land. What I love about my state, despite the lack of positive emotions or thoughts, is I still have wisdom for others (and myself.) I feel like a failure because of all the things I didn’t get done this week. And yet, I had three friends seek me out for advice. Isn’t that success? Yes. It is.

I don’t feel successful, but I am.

Nik Curfman 6/2/21 Nik Curfman 6/2/21

Journal: #296 What Success Is

I’m so hung up trying to pick the right places to pour myself into. I believe- as of today- part of me exists in the arts and investments. This belief requires me to learn and grow, be content at the back of the line, and be the newbie— again. So be it. I’m not going to burden myself by trying to make perfect decisions. I put my life in the Lord’s hand and I’ll follow His lead. In this way, I am a winner. My decision is to love the Lord and pursue him. That’s what success is.

Success in the Lord is not a list of accomplishments or a clean plate. It’s showing up. It’s scratching our way out of personal prisons to escape into His presence. Because. He’s always there regardless of how distant it feels. When I was at my lowest, ready to end it, He was there. On the days I was rejected by employers, friends, and old girlfriends, my God was with me. More than that, He was with me when I was born, won awards, and made new friends. He is present in my hopes, and He is patiently dismantling my fears. The process is to become more like Him, which is not measured in human terms. Success in the Lord ultimately is measured in hope, patience, and love.

This morning I was blessed by the goodness of the Lord. He reminded me how faithful He’s been to me. It was an interesting moment because the Lord chose to prove Himself to me. My hope is our future is more inclusive— less about me and my plans. I want my future to be about what He and I do together. However, that’s not what the Lord was saying this morning. His message to me was of His undying devotion to me (and you.) It’s not what I do.

Nik Curfman 10/25/20 Nik Curfman 10/25/20

Daily Journal: #98 My Friend Failure

Success is largely how we handle failure. In the past, failure was a signal of my self-worth, not a teacher or a friend. Now I have the benefit of something else. Of course I will fail, that’s life. I will continue to fail, to fall down, to fall short, to disappoint. Each time, I will rise and try again. These moments are a chance to learn and grow. It’s something else. I believe we call it wisdom.

Cafe Prohibition

In the fall of 2016, I started a pop-up food business called Cafe Prohibition. The concept was something like Loro in Austin, Texas. I wanted to marry flavors of the American south with delicious Asian ingredients. Week after week I worked long hours, eventually moved from my apartment kitchen to a cake shop willing to host me, and constantly changed the menu to find something people craved. I also managed the marketing, food prep, and cooking. So naturally…Cafe Prohibition failed.

I supported myself while I ran Cafe Prohibition with several side jobs. I ran social media for a local fitness company, managed a software integration project for a non-profit, and picked up shifts with Odell Craft BBQ. I did all this to invest my profits from Cafe Prohibition back into the business.

All of my effort seemed like a waste. Sales never got better. And as my business sank, I began to feel the suffocating judgement of failure. By the late summer of 2017, I was suicidal. (Not a joke.) I hated myself and my life. It was an emotional and metal hell.

Laughing At The Pain

This morning, while I walked with Jesus, I remembered Cafe Prohibition. I laughed at the ridiculous process I put myself through each week: shopping for the ingredients, prepping all the dishes, sauces and garnishes, THEN transferring everything from my apartment kitchen to the cake shop kitchen. (Why? Because they wouldn’t let me prep in their kitchen.) Once I set up in the cake shop, I served my food to the handful of customers willing to eat it, cleaned the kitchen, and packed my car to go home.

I created Cafe Prohibition because I am a talented cook, and it made sense. I have the experience, skill set, etc. What I didn’t have turned out to be the most crucial piece. At no point did I love it, my heart was never in it. I found no joy in the work or the process.

Cafe Prohibition is what happens when I do what other people tell me to do. It is the result of living in denial of what my heart wants.

And yes, I laugh about it now. I laugh because of the crazy dishes we created- puff pastry stuffed with butter chicken, corn batter waffles, and “korean” mac n cheese. Mostly, I find humor in the whole endeavor. Why did I ever think I’d be successful? I never liked the restaurant business. Like never ever. At best it was a way to make money while I was in college or ministry school.

Thankful For Failure

I have tried many different careers and jobs, and failed at nearly every one of them. Take a stroll with, while I tick them off:

Dropped out of college after my freshman year.
Dropped out of ministry school in my second year.
Quit a warehouse job.
Fired from a bartending job (because I wanted Father’s Day off.)
Dropped out of community college.
Back-to-back horrid dating relationships.
Quit three restaurant jobs in a year.
Failed to develop my video production business.
Quit a sale gig for a fish company.
Last in sales for a tech company.
Last in sales for another tech company.
The aforementioned Cafe Prohibition failure.
Quit working for another tech company…sales ain’t my thing.
Another break up. It wasn’t an abusive relationship, which kinda made it hurt worse than the others.
Dissolved and left a business partnership.
Weight issues.
Money problems.
Mental and emotional issues.
Lack of self-worth.

As I look at that list I smile and laugh. This isn’t a comprehensive list, but it represents is what I didn’t want or wasn’t ready to receive. Accordingly, this list of failures does not include my wins. It does not include all the successful friendships I’ve made, or the weight I’ve lost. Despite several dropouts, I eventually graduated from college in 2013. And how could it tell the story of my current life, the one where I embrace who I am and walk with Jesus?

No. I am not my failures. I am not a failure.

The Joy of Failure

Until recently, whenever I heard someone say “I don’t have any regrets,” I thought they were full of shit. No one is perfect. How can they have no regrets? I thought they were lying or narcissistic. I was loaded with regrets and constantly expressed them. If I could go back I would… From my perspective it wasn’t possible to live without regret, but it is.

Regret is for people who don’t learn. It is for victims and the powerless. How do I know? I was a victim of life, powerless to change what came. I learned from each failure, mainly how to protect myself. Part of the greatness of God is in how he can take anyone and flip the narrative. It doesn’t happen all at once, but is the work of daily pursuit of the Kingdom. That’s what happened to me.

I didn’t wake up one day to feel dramatic perspective in the way I judged my life. My shift happened over time and was the slow work of love.

There is a moment available to every Christian if we choose to dig deep into the Lord. It’s a glorious moment when we see all the ashes of past failure as fertilizer for new growth. He wastes nothing- not a single moment of shame, pain, or humiliation. And in the end, we can laugh at it. The failed relationships gave me the space to grow and develop into a better partner. All of my work in sales and marketing are useful as I begin to embrace my heart to love people. And all my experience in the restaurant business will enable me to eat well. (And thank God for that, and enduring gift.)

Success is largely how we handle failure. In the past, failure was a signal of my self-worth, not a teacher or a friend. Now I have the benefit of something else. Of course I will fail, that’s life. I will continue to fail, to fall short, and disappoint. Each time, I will rise and try again. These moments are a chance to learn and grow. It’s the process of wisdom.

Lord, thank you for your Grace and Redemption. I’m so glad my past is full of gold. Thank you for sticking with me through all the ups and downs, and continuing to be with me.

I commit my hand to stay clamped to Yours.

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