Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 12/27/20 Nik Curfman 12/27/20

Journal: #158 When Pain Piles Up

Sometimes I feel empty, completely lacking wisdom or knowledge or talent. Despite this, I know now more than ever, I will still sing His praises. I can reach for Grace and find it. I’m not alone. These trials are but a moment, and they will pass.

A few months ago I started working a part-time gig for a non-profit organization with operations in Africa and southeast Asia. The job includes managing a sponsorship program. Under this umbrella program are a number of programs to support children, education, and families in some of the poorest countries on Earth. Everyday I’m reminded of the struggles people all over the planet face just to live.

Closer to home, I’ve felt slightly overwhelmed by bad news from friends. Two different friends had to rush a parent to ER with major heart problems, most of family in South Carolina is coming off fights with COVID-19, and then there are the people enduring cancer treatments on Christmas Eve.

It’s a lot. So many people are hurting. Old Nik would feel responsible for it all. How egotistical.

Oh, then there’s me. I wanted to be in Wisconsin for Christmas, but that didn’t work out. I’ve tried to ignore this particular disappointment. What can I do about it? I can’t make someone want to date me, and I believe in a better dating future for my life. But this still lingers. To be ever cliche…it is what it is.

Making Room For Jesus

I let myself feel the sorrow for a bit today while on a quick walk around the block. With tears on my cheeks I told the Lord I was sad, and “I trust you.” Almost instantly, I started to laugh. Why? I don’t know. I don’t care. All I know is the Lord was with me. He knew I was disappointed and thinking about someone far away.

It is good life is lived second at a time. I can be feel pain and failure in one moment, and with an honest simple prayer feel the peace and presence of the Eternal. He holds my future, not me. I’m not called to fix all the pain in the world. I’m a light, a voice in the night, and I will say “Keep going. It’s worth it.”

Facing Fears

Yesterday, my dad and I discussed emotional triggers. We all have them. It can be an off-hand comment that suddenly spins us into rage or fear. Or, it can be a misinterpreted text. Relationships can change in an instant when one person is triggered by the other.

In the end, triggers are intense moments when fear grips our soul. It whispers its lies to our hearts. Then we are faced with a choice. Do we let fear dominate our choices and actions? Or, do we face the anxiety with prayer and faith? Triggers left undefeated lead to a life controlled by fear. The only real choice is to stand and fight, to push back against the darkness trying to claim us.

The Answers Are On Him

In the last 48 hours, I’ve felt my triggers “you weren’t good enough for her, they’re going to die, prayer doesn’t work, you will get fat again.” None of this bullshit is true, but that’s not the point. The goal of any lie is to control the outcome. Fear wants me to stop. Sorrow wants me quit believing in the goodness of the Lord. And anxiety wants me to stop letting faith rule my heart.

I will not relent.

Sing His Praise

My goal isn’t to fix people. For starters, I can’t. I can’t bring my former girl friend. I can’t pull cancer from bodies, or unblock arteries. My skills and talent will be used to proclaim the glory of our Father to those in the storm. When my best friend is depressed by his brother’s cancer, when my family faces an uncertain future, when I feel the desire to want someone who doesn’t me…I will stand and say,“The Lord is still good. He loves us without end. Our destiny is in Him beyond these trials and pain.”

Lord, thank you for my life. Thank for the family and friends I have. Thank you they see me as a pillar of strength. That’s Your doing. Thank you for the blessings and favor I have. More Lord. Keep it coming. You are good. You are worthy of my love and affection. And I am worthy of Yours.

Thank you Jesus.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 9/12/20 Nik Curfman 9/12/20

Abstraction: Cut by the Glass

This one picture held everything I thought I wanted, I loved. And old sorrows rose as I fixed my eyes on the screen. They got everything they wanted. Used me up. Left me to bleed. I wanted to argue, and spit, and scream.

A flick of my thumb, like a roll of this dice, I never know what will come.

The scroll stopped on a black and white photo of a restaurant. A woman worked behind the counter. My former future taunting me as I stared.

This one picture held everything I thought I wanted, I loved. And old sorrows rose as I fixed my eyes on the screen.

They got everything they wanted. Used me up. Left me to bleed. I wanted to argue, and spit, and scream.

A moment later, anger gave way to dejection as I put the glass down. Surges of sadness flooded my heart.

I closed my eyes and wept. I loved her. I loved her, I loved her, I loved her. I still love her. I can’t stop loving her. I can’t stop hoping the best for her, hoping she’s happy.

After a few deep breaths, I let silence fill the room.

I waited for the Voice above all voices, and He did not disappoint.

“I am here…Would you go back?”

No.

“Do you trust me?”

Yes.

“Good.”

Simple as that, I laid my broken heart in His hands. A practice now routine between us, I gave the Lord all my suffering, desires, and judgments.

And like He’s done a hundred times before, He washed away all that would drag me back to what I was. Back to the me before I divorced my fear.

The sadness of an unwelcome end is not to be ignored. The wounds of suffering either fester or heal, but they never fade anyway. And I will not bandage myself in the false wisdom of self-protection.

I will allow myself to bleed and weep before Him, creating room for Him to work miracles.

My heart healed, pumping to the rhythm of joy, I think back to the glass. The resentment and heartache now vanished, replaced by peace and love.

I hope they continue on toward their great destinies. I head toward mine.