Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 4/27/23 Nik Curfman 4/27/23

Vol III: #79 Proud of My Work

He looked off camera and signed. “Nothing you do is special and the field is highly competitive. I could just hire someone off UpWork.” Oh? I wondered and then began to boil. Why don’t you “just hire someone from Upwork?” Do us all a favor. But I said nothing. This man named Leif was blithely unaware of the faux pas he’d committed as he continued to belittle my company and the value we provide for our customers. Poor bastard.

He looked off camera and signed. “Nothing you do is special and the field is highly competitive. I could just hire someone off UpWork.” Oh? I wondered and then began to boil. Why don’t you “just hire someone from Upwork?” Do us all a favor. But I said nothing. This man named Leif was blithely unaware of the faux pas he’d committed as he continued to belittle my company and the value we provide for our customers. Poor bastard. He didn’t know he was drawing dead after his expression of contempt for our services, like a fool adding chips to the pot when he’s already beat. And out of habit or professional duty I managed to answer a few of remaining questions as we discussed the next step in the sales process.

After the call ended I went for a walk, a long walk on an unusually hot spring afternoon. Half way through the forest, I began to argue with an imaginary version of that sonofabitch, to justify my perspective. And then, I began to worry about what how to explain the situation to my boss. Tim is a gentle man and kind to the extreme. I envisioned Tim finding a way to work with that douche bag even though everything inside me screamed nope, not today dickbag. And then, as I do, I questioned myself. Was I being the asshole? Was I being too sensitive? Leif’s careless disregard for my profession felt like a personal attack, though he was likely a douche being a douche.

And now, in the safety of my cool apartment, I still feel a bit ashamed by Leif’s words and weary of the looming conversation with Tim. But, I did what I thought was right. Leif is a dick with selfish intentions. He would’ve been a nightmare as a client. Emotion aside, I did my job and I’m proud of the work I did today.

Nik Curfman 4/22/22 Nik Curfman 4/22/22

Abstract: Withdrawal

A poem, addressing the withdrawal and my need for it.

Do I hide from people, or am I discreet,

unwilling to plaster myself high on the wall,

and loudly proclaim my talents to the room?

Given the facts my laugh is loud and my body round,

I do not hide from anyone.

Do I withdraw? Yes.

What’s the difference? Well…

One is ashamed and the other is self-care.

Adam hid. Jesus withdrew…often.

And, in my aim to be like the Lord,

I too withdraw, to find the ground,

strengthen my spirit in His,

and return to the fight,

every bit myself,

in the all the glory He has for me.

Nik Curfman 11/19/20 Nik Curfman 11/19/20

Journal: #123 The Introverts Dilemma

I’m still learning how to fight for myself. Out of my shame, I want to be a finished product. I do not want to admit I am still addressing unsolved rejection from a relationship that ended six months ago. The bigger longer lasting pitfall would be to repress the rejection. I’m not into that. Yesterday and today I took another step toward total freedom from rejection- by choosing to face it.

Yesterday evening, I sat in my apartment and sunk into self-pity. I felt unworthy of love due to lingering feelings of rejection. As a way of fighting through it, I wrote this poem and published it. The poem was my last healthy resort to a long-simmering problem. Fortunately, it worked. After I admitted my insecurities and saw them on screen, I was able to claim the upper hand.

Temptation Comes From Pain

This morning, I thought about last night. How did I manage to have my head down buried in shame? How did I end up being tempted again? For starters, temptations are more enticing when I am suffering. Temptation and sin are huge scarlet flags: something is wrong.

I never googled ‘porn.’ It usually started as a desire to google ‘photography,’ or some such feeder. I know photo blogs on Tumblr are often used as funnels by the porn industry, so I would lie to myself about my intent. Nothing wrong with looking as photo blogs on Tumblr, right? Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I heard that evil voice again. I recognized it for what it is, but was nonetheless discouraged. I hate I could hear it. When I’m fully healthy, I can’t even hear it.

Today, I laugh as I think about it. Another more subtle temptation is to condemn myself for hearing the voice of temptation. How crazy is that? In truth, I responded the right way. I didn’t partner with shame or my pain. And, it’s ok to battle insecurity. Temptation comes when we are weak to destroy our peace and love, but the Lord uses it to shine a light on our condition. (It’s what the Lord did with Cain, because Cain was tempted out of his rejection. The Lord asked Cain to affirm himself, and he did not.)

I’m proud of myself, and this fight is a positive indicator of my walk with the Lord. As bad as I felt yesterday, I choose to stand my ground. I choose to turn the Lord, and believe what His word. I am loved and worthy of love.

Face the Pain

What I realized today is I avoided myself of late. For a the last few weeks, I didn’t make time to process my suffering. I was scared of me. I hate circling back to the same issues. I want to process my life and move forward. But, that’s not human. It’s not gracious.

It’s ok if it takes time to fully overcome my reoccurring issues. The truth is I’ve made tremendous progress in the areas of rejection and self-worth. This post is proof. Last night was proof. I did not engage in self-destruction or self punishment. That’s a win.

The challenge for an introvert like me is to be unafraid of being alone. When I feel sadness tugging at the corner of my heart or rejection fogging my thoughts, I must face it directly. It’s too easy to spend alone time staring at a screen, completing mindless tasks, or writing blogs. Alone time is meant to be a place to recharge, so I can go back into the world at my best. It’s two edged sword though. Time spent alone is either nourishing or hell, depending on my disposition. When I am lost, alone time becomes a place of misery and self-loathing.

Introverts Need Guidance

“Suffering doesn’t melt away. It must be addressed.” My business coach told me that last July, and he’s right. All of the wishing and avoidance will not vanish the pain we hold. It must be rooted out. So for us introverts it means when we are alone, we use that time to face the pain. It’s a form of self-love and self-care.

(This is not a call to “figure yourself out.” I do not believe in self-perfection. We need each other. I am as guilty as anyone of trying to fix myself, but that’s not what I mean. I have a community of people and professionals to lean on when I need counseling and prayer. There’s no shame in asking for help. We all need help from our friends.)

What I want to address is the confession of pain, taking thoughts captive, and renewing our minds.

The first step is confession. Whatever condition we are in, needs to be brought into the light. If you feel like shit, admit it. If you feel abused, confused, or empty, say it. Admitting how we feel is not agreement with it. I might feel rejected, but I don’t believe I’m worthless.
The next action is to question (take captive) our thoughts. My thoughts might tell me I’m worthless or unqualified. But, what if that’s not true? What does the Lord say about me? What are the alternatives? It helps to have the conversation aloud. We engage different parts of our brain when we use our voice. Thoughts are powerful, words are more powerful. So, answer your questions aloud. Anxiety pushes us toward an extreme responses. God’s goodness is somewhere between the two. And, the Lord always says I love you and you are worthy.
Finally, affirm yourself. Tell yourself “I love myself, I am loved, I am special.” Then confirm yourself with Jesus, “Lord, I trust you. I put my faith in you. I release my fear, shame, rejection, and pain.” Include your specific struggle.
Last point: Don’t rush the process. The steps above can be a lifeless routine or life-giving processes. Gratitude is key. I like to end these moments with worship and praise. It repositions my heart and mind to anticipate the goodness of God instead of the plans of the enemy.

I Believe In Being Free

I’m still learning how to fight for myself. Out of my shame, I want to be a finished product. I do not want to admit I am still addressing unsolved rejection from a relationship that ended six months ago. The bigger longer lasting pitfall would be to repress the rejection. I’m not into that. Yesterday and today I took another step toward total freedom from rejection- by choosing to face my fears.

From this moment onward, I will now begin my alone time with asking myself “how’s your heart Nik?” I want to love myself enough expose my pain so I can heal.

Lord, thank you for grace and wisdom. I’m excited about the future.

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Nik Curfman 10/8/20 Nik Curfman 10/8/20

DJ: #82 Rebounding from Shame

This week I’ve felt like a failure, which is a form of self-judgment. What really chaps my ass is I’ve been productive. It’s been a good week, and yet…and yet…I am suppose to live up to some herculean standard? Of what? I genuinely robbed myself of enjoying life. F-ck that.

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Some thought processes and emotional hurdles are buried deep in my being. For example, anger was more easily dumped than judgment. Anger is a process, and I can stop that train at the moment I realize I’m on its tracks. But judgment? Judgment happens in a slim second. It’s effortless, but no less damaging.

Culturally speaking, anger is mostly frowned upon. Anger is the emotion of cavemen and the immature. Refined men don’t get angry. Healthy Christians are above it, supposedly. I don’t wrestle with its place in my life.

But judgement? That’s a different beast. We are proud of our judgments- our preferences, opinions, and view points. We are taught to be judgmental. Modern technology practically begs for our thoughts and opinions: Yelp, Google Reviews, any comment section, Uber driver ratings, Twitter, blogs, etc. And yet…my dude Paul wrote, “I don't care to be judged by you, I don’t judge myself.” Of all the my scripture reading this year, that one stands out. Where TF did that come from?

I, Nicklaus, judge myself. I judge my productivity, the quality and depth of my relationships, and just about damn near everything else in my life. As I discussed in my previous blog, this judgment is not of the Lord. It’s not of His nature or Spirit.

Despite this tendency, I refuse to accept this mentality. Life doesn’t need to be an intense experience. The prize in my war with judgement is joy (and relaxation.)

This week I’ve felt like a failure, which is a form of self-judgment. What really chaps my ass is I’ve been productive. It’s been a good week, and yet…and yet…I am required to live up to some herculean standard? Of what? I genuinely robbed myself of enjoying life. F-ck that.

As always, the Lord is good to me, and proud of me. He doesn’t measure my life (or any life) the way I do. If I can learn to love I can learn to let go of fantasies of a person I am supposed to be. Truth is I rock. I f-cking amazing. Imperfect, but amazing.

Lord, I let go of comparison and judgment. I accept life as it comes and Your will in my life. I love myself, and I forgive myself.

Amen.