Walk in the Woods

Daily Journal Nik Curfman Daily Journal Nik Curfman

Journal: #155 Feeling It, But Not Feeling It

I can’t say enough about what stay in connection with the Holy Spirit via worship and gratitude is doing for me. I know life isn’t perfect, and there’s more to come. More pain, shame, and frustration. But…I now know how to fight back. I’m no longer a victim of life. Thank the sweet Baby Jesus for that.

I can no longer count the number of people I personally know who faced a serious battle with coronavirus, in the last two months alone. My roommate’s father underwent emergency triple bypass surgery on Sunday. Yesterday, my buddy Blake donated his stem cells to his brother suffer a rare form of blood cancer. And another friend, Tom, asked for prayer for his wife as she recently began chemotherapy in her fight with breast cancer. The shear volume of life and death scenarios is alarming, and stressful

But that’s not all folks, I also have multiple marketing projects to finish by January 1st. I also committed to attend ministry school next September to the tune of $5,000. Add to that the normal amount of sadness, I can feel a bit overwhelmed by life…and yet, not.

Not Quite Overwhelmed

If this were any other time in my life, in any previous year, I’d be deep in self-pity spiral. I’d feel simultaneously responsible for all the trails people are facing and unworthy of the task. And don’t forget, it’s the Christmas season, aka eat like shit season. So that means, I’d try to eat my way through everything, and most likely gain ten pounds in the process.

Not in 2020, and not ever again.

I definitely feel all weight of what’s going in lives of the people I love, but I don’t feel the burden to fix it. The best I can do is love and support them. I’m no fixer, no magic man, but I do have an open line to the Holy Spirit. He’s got the plan and the power to change lives, to heal, and give them what they need.

The Pain Is Real, But Fleeting

It feels like this grief is at arms length. I can see it, smell it, hear it, but it’s not touching me. Yes, of course, I still cry at least once a day. I’m always going to allow myself to process what I feel. (Unprocessed emotion leads to blocked emotion, and blocked emotion leads to repressed pain. Repressed pain is the gateway to all the bullshit I hate and do not want to take root in my life.) But, I am handling the moment by the grace of God.

One thought ever present in my mind is “this is just a moment in my life, not the story.” The projects will be completed. COVID will end…eventually. And, I will continue to believe in healing for those in need. I’m fully aware that by March my life will look different than it does today. All of this is a mere fraction of my life.

My Friend Gratitude

It’s not all bad or difficult. I get to fly back to South Carolina for Christmas with my parents. That’s awesome. I got a small but no less appreciated bonus from Cultre for the good work I’ve done this year. I continue to meet amazing people, and I get to work with great leaders. Which proves another point: life is what you look at.

The more gratitude I confess the easier these moments become. Meh. Easy is poor choice of words. Lighter perhaps? Less dreadful? Whatever it is, I still find passing joy in ordinary life. What a superior way to live life, in constant appreciation of the good that is happening rather than bitching about what isn’t happening.

I can’t say enough about what stay in connection with the Holy Spirit via worship and gratitude is doing for me. I know life isn’t perfect, and there’s more to come. More pain, shame, and frustration. But…I now know how to fight back. I’m no longer a victim of life. Thank the sweet Baby Jesus for that.

Lord, you’re awesome. Thank you for teaching me the power of words, prayer, and looking for the glory in life. It’s all around. Thanks for that. No matter what, life is good.

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